Digest for Saturday, February 03, 1996
There are 7 messages totalling 314 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- HumorList Traffic Report
- Castles in the sky (poss. off. to writers, actors, & agents)
- Have you fallen asleep in church?
- Ala carte?
- How to be a cool Asian
- Lettermans Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having an Affair on the Computer
- More ways to cope with cold
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Date: Sun, 4 Feb 1996 00:41:17 -0500
From: Jim <jimphynn@INTERRAMP.COM>
Subject: HUMORList Traffic Report
Hi everyone! This is Jim, the traffic reporter for the HUMOR list.
It is my responsibility to track the number of daily posts to the
list, and the number of subscribers, and keep a record of them.
Once a month I send the numbers to the entire list.
In the last month, we have seen the number of subscribers grow by
more than one thousand. This is due, in part, to the fact that we
were mentioned on the "how to surf the internet list" TOURBUS
(TOURBUS@LISTSERV.AOL.COM) by Patrick Crispen. I would like to
take this moment to thank him for his mention of us. I would like
to make one minor clarification to his article. He stated that, to
become a contributor, you must pass a "test" of your humor.
It is not incorrect that there is a short exam to become a
contributor, however, we do not test your sense of humor. We just
want to make sure a potential contributor understands the rules of
posting, and is aware that a violation of the rules (summarized
below) can be cause for suspension. If you are interested in
becoming a contributor, send
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE.
Earlier this week, there was an alert about someone SPAMMING the
list, seemingly at random. I do not have the right to remove
someone who got your name from this list because he or she sent you
a piece of unsolicited email. There are several ways, however, of
protecting yourself.
This first way can be applied to any mailing list running
LISTSERV software. If you send the listserver (in our case,
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU) the command SET the mailing list (HUMOR,
or for contributors, HUMOR-P) CONCEAL your email address is safe
from anyone who would try to get into the list, and see who,
exactly, receives the list.
Also, most service providers do not look kindly upon their users
sending other people unsolicited email. If you forward the
unsolicited email, headers included, back to the provider from
which the SPAM originated (usually SUPPORT@whatever the domain of
the email is. In the case of America Online, the email address is
TOSGeneral@aol.com), some form of "punishment" will be incurred.
The SPAM which a subscriber received that initiated the alert saw
its sender removed from that system.
If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email me
at jimphynn@interramp.com, or visit my web page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn. Have a great day!
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 28 January - 3 February
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
28 Sunday 7 7 8 12 10
29 Monday 5 10 22 21 18
30 Tuesday 9 10 18 20 17
31 Wednesday 13 11 17 14 22
1 Thursday 15 14 18 15 15
2 Friday 8 15 10 24 13
3 Saturday 4 12 6 7 7
Averages 8.7 11.3 14.1 16.1 14.6
Subscriptions 8,042 8,137 8,246 9,181 9,296
Countries 68 68 68 70 69
Contributors 665 690 694 708 714
Here is a list of the non-concealed countries subscribing to HUMOR
(if your country is not listed here, please let me know):
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria,
Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech Republic,
Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Germany,
Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India,
Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait,
Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico,
Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway,
Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-Arabia,
Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sweden,
Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, USA,
Venezuela
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address.
** The following are the goals of HUMOR:
To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of humor.
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.
** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:
1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.
2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted
One contribution per day.
No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines max)
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art.
No signature file.
And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: Rough and Ready?
<adult situations, poss. off. to animal lovers>
"Where did you get all these ugly bruises on your hips?" asked
the doctor of the young woman.
"We were... uh... you know, having sex, and..." she stuttered,
blushing.
"Hmmm, I see," said the doctor, as he gave the sore spots a
closer inspection. "Please take my advice and switch positions
for a couple of weeks until these bruises heal a bit."
"Oh, doctor, must I?" pleaded the woman. "My horse's breath
stinks."
Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter
(jimphynn@interramp.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn)
===================================================================
To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the
command SIGNOFF HUMOR-P.
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF
HUMOR.
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE
HUMOR Call-name FamilyName.
A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
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Date: Sun, 4 Feb 1996 02:27:53 -0500
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Castles in the sky (poss. off. to writers, actors, &
agents)
A variation on an "oldie" that I heard backstage recently:
Writers are neurotics who build castles in the sky.
Actors are psychotics who live in those castles.
And agents are the landlords who collect the rent!
http://pages.prodigy.com/CT/darla/MizzDarla.html
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Date: Sun, 4 Feb 1996 08:44:50 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Have you fallen asleep in church?
Seen in a church bulletin:
"If you took all the people who have fallen asleep in church, and
laid them end to end, they would probably be more comfortable."
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Date: Sun, 4 Feb 1996 13:07:50 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Ala carte? <adult themes>
A young man went to a plastic surgeon for a penile enlargement.
The surgeon specialized in this type of surgery and implanted the
trunk of a baby elephant as a replacement. The operation was very
successful and the patient was delighted with the increased size of
his new penis.
He invited a beautiful girl to dine with him and while they were
eating, his new implant burst his zipper, sprang out of his pants,
darted across the table, grabbed a hard roll & quickly disappeared
back into his pants!
His date was astounded by this incredible performance and said,
"Wow, could you do that again?"
Grimacing with pain he said, "I probably could but I sure don't
want to. I don't think my sore rectum could stand another hard
roll!"
--Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 08:39:09 +0900
From: Mike McMurray <mcmurray@HRL.HITACHI.CO.JP>
Subject: How to be a cool Asian <offensive to Asians>
1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white.
2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine.
3. Own a cellular phone.
4. Have only Asian friends.
5. Speak only in Asian languages.
6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're
actually going to class.
7. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA.
8. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA.
9. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're
with friends.
10. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties.
11. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties."
12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
13. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly
at all other Asians.
14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
15. If you're a guy, be sure to cop cheap feels off girls you like.
16. If you're a girl, be sure to run your fingers through your hair
each time you see a hot guy.
17. Wear only designer labels.
18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet,
make sure the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel.
19. Own a pair of Doc Martens.
20. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you
know nothing about them.
21. Make sure your parents are doctors or better yet, grocery store
owners.
22. Believe in Barn Jackets, J. Crew, and Tommy Hilfiger.
23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car
24. Own a sports car.
25. Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated.
26. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school.
27. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion
28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
29. If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a
circumsized penis.
30. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of
brown or red for optimal "coolness."
31. Two words: Manhattan Portage.
32. If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small.
Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to
the loudness of your car's engine.
33. If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest.
Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the
amount of make up on your face.
34. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
35. If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look
like a goldfish.
36. Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler
one."
37. If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at
all interracial couples you see.
38. If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about
the "theft" of your women.
39. If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially
anyway.
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Date: Sun, 4 Feb 1996 19:24:50 -0500
From: David M. Saah <dsaa@LOC.GOV>
Subject: Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having
an Affair on the Computer
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software.'
4. Lipstick on the mouse.
3. During sex she screams 'A colon backslash enter insert.'
2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
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Date: Sun, 4 Feb 1996 20:00:00 EST
From: Matthew Gaunt <Matthew_Gaunt@VOS.STRATUS.COM>
Subject: More ways to cope with cold <some adult themes>
1. Spend so long in a hot bath that you come out with skin like
Bette Davis.
2. Breathe deeply and chant "Yes, yes I CAN do it" before placing
your bare buttocks on a toilet seat that's colder than penguin
shit.
3. Alternatively, encourage partner to use toilet first, then on
your turn, pensively examine the hole in the roof shaped like
your loved one.
4. First thing in the morning, ring up all your male friends
without central heating, and conduct a genital shrivellage
survey.
5. Chuckle smugly as you watch your cat pathetically trying to
bury its 'toilette' with snow.
6. Ladies, put on so many layers of underwear that instead of
walking naturally, you have to waddle to the shops for the
'live yogurt'...
7. Drink mulled wine with your friends, and see who does the best
job of pretending that it's nice.
8. Marvel at the CNN clip of a Scandanavian male breaking the
river ice and taking a nude dip, whilst secretly hoping that
there's a cold, angry pike with a weakness for chipolatas
swimming about.
9. Build up so many layers of lip protector that you look like
Galen.
10. Get so worked up when your central heating boiler breaks down
that you don't actually need it.
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