Digest for Monday, February 05, 1996
There are 15 messages totalling 414 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Dry joke
- Say "Aaaah!"
- Blind Dates (Part 1)
- toothy humor
- Dishes (adult humor)
- Clean shave?
- Stupid Quote of the Day!!!
- B.O.F.H. #6
- First words
- Magic Johnson and NBA
- Sneezing German Virgin
- More Thoughts on the Cold -- This Time from Texas
- Well, it was a lot cheaper...
- genital pun
- Really Bad Joke
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 11:47:26 +0530
From: Sanjay Sahay <sanjay.sahay@BLR.SNI.DE>
Subject: Dry joke
Two chaps were high and driving the car.
"Seems we are reaching the city "
"How do say so ?"
"The no of people colliding with our car has increased"
"Then why don't you stop the car ? "
"What do you mean ? You are driving the car !"
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 07:56:49 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Say "Aaaah!" <sexual content>
Two guys were talking. One mentioned his recent, first-ever
prostate exam. "The doctor bends you over his examination table and
then he puts his left hand on your shoulder... no wait, it was his
right hand.... [thinks for a minute]... Damn! He had BOTH hands on
my shoulders."
--Rob Wilkinson
via rom rehu-l (religious humor)
- - - - - - - - - - -
A mute goes to the doctor and write him a note that he would like
to learn to speak and that he would like to learn to recite the
alphabet. "No problem," says the doctor. "I'll have you reciting
the alphabet in just a few days. Take of all your clothes and bend
over this table."
The doctor exits, and as the mute bends over the table, a GREAT BIG
LINE-BACKER TYPE comes in and buggers the poor guy.
"AAAAAAAAAy" screams the mute. [rhymes with 'hay'.]
"That's a good start," says the doctor, stepping into the room.
"Come back tomorrow, and we'll work on B."
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 07:36:29 +0600
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Blind Dates (Part 1)
MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES
(and other social catastrophes)
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are
female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being
placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
--from dennisb@arn.net
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 09:01:35 CST6CDT
From: John Olack <JOHN@WUDCM.WUSTL.EDU>
Subject: toothy humor <might be offensive to hillfolk>
a recently published research paper from a prestigious mid-western
dental school announces the discovery of the origin of the
"toothbrush". according to the author(s), the toothbrush must have
been invented in kentucky, "otherwise, it would've been called the
TEETHbrush".
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 09:16:19 -0600
From: CORNHOLIO <mtrifill@S-CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Dishes (adult humor)
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a
great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to
smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside
waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't
say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago
about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first
person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her
dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and
does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad
is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is
complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his
jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father
backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL
DO THE DISHES!!"
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 11:40:44 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Clean shave? <adult themes>
A woman usually prepared fresh chickens for cooking by burning
their pinfeathers off over a burner on her gas range. When she
replace it with a new electric one, she found it wasn't suitable
for pinfeather removal. After a few moments thought, she got her
husband's electric Shick razor and used it to shave the pinfeathers
off. She was so pleased with the result, she wrote to the Shick
Company CEO and told him about it.
He wrote back and said, "As a result of your recent letter we have
developed a new razor. In addition to the Men's Shick and the
Women's Shick, we now have the Chicken Shick."
-Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 13:13:13 EST
From: Chris Dooley <chris_dooley@COKER.EDU>
Subject: Stupid Quote of the Day!!!
"I will now open these treasures and reveal some even more
Precious treasures to your Royal Highness."
--the archbishop of Uppsala, Sweeden trying to impress
an English royal visitor with his knowledge of english.
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 15:08:23 EST
From: Joseph A. Horvath <JHorvath@SEIC.COM>
Subject: B.O.F.H. #6 <Mild Language>
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6
It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The
phone rings. Shit! I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR
FLARES" stares out at me. I'd better read up on that. Two minutes
later I'm ready to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I say. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU
ALL MORNING?!" I hate it when they shout at me early in the
morning. It always puts me in a bad mood. You know what I mean.
"Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it
always disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie. "Huh?
But I could get through to my friends?!" "Yes, that's entirely
possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's effects.
Why last week, we had some files just disappear from a guys account
while he was working on it!" "Really?" "Straight Up! Hey, do you
want me to check your account?" "Yes please, I've got some
important stuff in there!"
"Ok, what's your username..." He tells me. Honestly, it's like
shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice. With an Elephant Gun. At
point blank range. In the head. (Do I really need to tell you the
clicky clicky bit? I think not) "How many files are in your
account?" I ask "Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis
writeup, 10 or so with the data for it, and another 20 or so in a
book that I'm writing" "Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in
time. You've still got 2 files left... .cshrc and .login"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"
He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.
"What can I do?" he sniffs "Ok, do you have any of your stuff
backed up on floppy?" "Some, but it's weeks old!" I fire up the
bulk eraser. "Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that
data onto your account pronto so you can get some work done?"
"That'd be great, but it's all at home" he whimpers. "I spose I'll
just load it all in myself tonight" "Sure. But remember what I
said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines. Protect your
disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data" "How
do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?" "NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST
THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE DON'T YOU?!"
"Yes.." "Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects
disks from solar activity.." "What's that?" "MAGNETS. Wrap your
disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar Flares hate
that" "Wow! Thanks" "No worries at all..."
Shit I'm good!
Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia
University of Waikato; Computer Services
Hamilton, New Zealand
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 15:43:19 EST
From: BARNES,LARRY J. <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: First words <one bad word>
A boy grows to the age of eight without uttering a sound. His
parents have tried every specialist, and can find no reason for
his lack of speech. One day at the dinner table, he suddenly says,
"this chili tastes like SHIT."
His parents are stunned! "Johnny, you can speak! WHY didn't you
talk before now??"
"Well, up until now, everything's been fine."
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 16:09:13 -0600
From: Justin Geoghegan <jgeogheg@HOBBS.LEESUMMIT.K12.MO.US>
Subject: Magic Johnson and NBA
"The NBA players are smart enough to know that you get the virus
from unprotected sex, and we're not going to have any unprotected
sex on the basketball court."
--Golden State Warriors center Rony Seikaly on
Magic Johnson's return to pro basketball
--February 12, 1996 issue of NewsWeek
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 23:25:26 +0000
From: Edward Tanguay <Edward Tanguay@RZ.UNI-POTSDAM.DE>
Subject: Sneezing German Virgin <off. to women>
What do you say to a German virgin who sneezes?
goes-IN-tight!
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 14:22:33 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: More Thoughts on the Cold -- This Time from Texas
"Texas style" tips on dealing with the cold. If British humor
is the humor of understatement and US humor is the humor of
exaggeration, Texas humor makes US humor look almost British.
You have to remember that cold is relative.
We had a record cold snap here...that means that for one night, it
got all the way down to 7 above; the next day it only got up to 27.
And we had some snow fall and last for two days. Luckily, the kids
and I are still used to real winters, and didn't suffer much. I
heard you really got chilly! Anyway, here's my list, Texas style.
1. Always remember: cold in Texas means its almost freezing.
2. Enjoy the snow; it only falls once every couple of years, and
lasts for a couple of days at most.
3. Anticipate the beautiful summer days we'll be having... close
to 100 degrees and high humidity. Fun, fun.
4. Put on your jacket, Dummy!
5. Stay at home till the snow melts; you can use a day to nap.
6. Drive during the height of the storm. The dumb Yankees seem
to think it might be slippery, but all us real Texans know
that if you drive fast enough, the ice doesn't have time to
make the tires slide. If you drive too slow, and manage to
slide, be sure to lock the brakes. That's the best way to stop
the car on ice.
--from Lynn & Carl Metzger
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 16:40:27 -0600
From: Kerry Vosswinkel -- User Helpline x7444 <VOSSWINKEL_K@FORTLEWIS.EDU>
Subject: Well, it was a lot cheaper...
"EVERYONE REMAIN CALM"
The Denver-Rocky Mountain News reports that management at the new
$5-billion Denver airport forgot to install an intercom system for
the subways that trundle passengers from concourse to concourse, so
when the computer controlling the subways broke down, there was no
way to communicate with the trapped passengers. The city has now
rectified the situation by purchasing six electronic bullhorns.
(Telecommunications Policy Report 28 Jan 96)
--Edupage, Feb 4 1996
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Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 22:25:31 -0500
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: genital pun
I have a new hobby -- folding genitilia for pleasure. (I'll leave
it to your imagination as to whose pleasure it is.)
It's called origasmi.
-from Michelle Anne Steiner via rec.org.Mensa newsgroup
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Date: Wed, 7 Feb 1996 09:06:22 SYD
From: Chris McLaren <cmclaren@ENERGY.COM.AU>
Subject: Really Bad Joke <Not Offensive>
Two guys are driving along an outback road and then they drive into
this small country town, driving past the local town hall they
notice that there is a B&S (bachelor and spinster) ball on.
Deciding that they'd like to go in and try their luck with the
local ladies they parked their car a few blocks away and then had
a look to see what they had in the way of formal clothes in their
bags. They both manage to find a pair of half decent black pants,
black shoes and a white shirt. There was a problem though as only
one of the guys had brought a bow tie, be it a little beaten up it
would still do. Not really having any other options they decided to
try & get past the bouncers with one of the guys missing a bow tie.
They went up to the door and immediately the bouncer stopped them
and said "No mate you can't go in... you need a bow tie" and then
told them to get lost. They then went back to the car and tried to
find something that they could use a as a bow tie. After much
looking they tried using a jumper lead for the car, wrapping it
around the guy's neck and making a bow out of it. They then
proceeded back to the hall and approached the same bouncer, this
time he said "Ohh I don't know if can let you in dressed like that"
The guy wearing the jumper lead as a bow tie said "Come on, I am
only in town for the night and we are just looking for a good time"
and then the bouncer said "OK... I'll let you in... just don't
START anything"
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