Digest for Friday, March 01, 1996

There are 10 messages totalling 355 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Unofficial HumourDigest #004
  2. AIDS reference (offensive to gays)
  3. Q & A May be offensive to males
  4. Revised Movie Titles
  5. Shopping spree?
  6. Excuses-- Excuses-- Excuses
  7. Cinderella
  8. Elections
  9. Maybe Im not as hungry as I thought
  10. Math & Computers 


-------------------------------------------------------------------


Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 11:40:00 PST
From:    Prakash N Purushotham <prakashp@MINDWARE.SOFT.NET>
Subject: Unofficial HumourDigest #004

Dear Friend:                                     February 29, 1996

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for
raising five billion dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton
in the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.
It was not wise to place it beside George Washington who never told
a lie, nor besides Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it besides Christopher Columbus, the
greatest democrat of all.  He left not knowing where he was going,
did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been,
and did it all on borrowed money.

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pack up your camel, pick up your shovels, move your ass and I will
lead you to the promised land."  Five thousand years later, FDR
said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your ass, light up a Camel,
this is the promised land." This year Bill Clinton will steal your
shovels, kick your ass, raise the price of camels and mortgage the
promised land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has
anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution
to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

Bill Clinton Statue Committee


PS: It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the
    Democratic party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it
    stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts
    production, and gives a false sense of security while being
    screwed.

                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
                           A TWO-TIME LOSER

   A man in a bar put a $10 bill on the bar and said to the
bartender, "I'll bet you this $10 I can make you cry."
   The bartender looked at him, at the $10, and said, "How are you
going to do that?"  The man said, I'll just talk to you and make
you cry."  The bartender said, "I'll take that bet," and put $10
beside the other man's money.
   The man then said, "This might take a few minutes.  I have to
wait for Boo."
   The bartender said, "Boo who?"  He realized immediately that
he had been taken and watched as the man picked up the $20 and
left.  The bartender thought a minute and decided to get his $10
back the same way he lost it.  So, when a black man walked up to
the bar, the bartender put $10 on the bar and challenged the black
man just as he had been challenged.  The black man accepted the bet
and put his $10 on the bar.  The bartender then said, "This will
take a few minutes.  I have to wait for Boo."
   The black man said, "Who be Boo?"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

   Jesus was taking his turn at the Pearly Gates. Looking along the
queue of people waiting to enter he spotted an old man who looked
familiar. When the old man got to the front of the queue Jesus was
sure that he recognised him.  "Occupation?" said Jesus.
   "Carpenter." replied the old man.
   "Err. Did you have a son who appeared under amazing
circumstances?" asked Jesus.
   "Why yes!" said the old man.
   Getting excited Jesus asked "Did your son have holes in his
hands and feet?"
   "That's right.", said the old man, "He did."
   With delight Jesus exclaimed, "Father!"
   Puzzled the old man replied, "Pinnochio?"

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 00:53:03 -0800
From:    Scott Scheucher <scheuche@EXECPC.COM>
Subject: AIDS reference (offensive to gays)

Did you hear Rock Hudson was fired from his job as a taxi driver?

He kept getting rear ended all he time!


http://www.execpc.com/~scheuche

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 09:25:22 -0500
From:    Sarah Soderlund <SarahSod@AOL.COM>
Subject: Q & A May be offensive to males

Q - What do you call a woman without an asshole?
A - Divorced.

Q - What do men and women have in common?
A - They both distrust men.

Q - What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A - His wife is good at picking out clothes

Q - How are men like UFOs?
A - You don't know where they come from, what thier mission is,
    or what time they're going to take off.

Q - What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and
    a single 40-year-old man?
A - The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the
    40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Q - If men had PMS, what would happen?
A - a. The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
    b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for
       permanent disability.
    c.  There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
    d.  All of the above.

Q - What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second
    date?
A - Slow.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 11:27:46 -0600
From:    March L. Warn <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: Revised Movie Titles

Attack of the 50-Foot (Wide) Woman
Darryl Hannah stars as a young woman accidentally exposed to
radioactive Twinkies, and who then begins to gain weight at an
uncontrollable rate.  Eventually the Army Corps of Engineers is
called in to deal with her.

Back (Streets) to Bataan
John Wayne is an American military man forced to rely on the
knowledge of a native cab driver for guidance during a landing
of U.S. invasion forces.

Back to the (Nude) Beach
Annette and the gang return to the beach where they spent their
youth only to find that it has become clothing optional.

Basic Training (Pants)
Bill Murray attempt to use a strange sexual fetish in an effort
to get a quick discharge from the Army.

Big Bad Mamma (San)
Angie Dickenson is your worst nightmare - a Japanese mother with a
gun and an attitude.

Born (Again) in East L.A.
Cheech Martin stars as a Mexican-American who finds religion in
the Bario.

The Boys (Club) from Brazil
The South American YMCA is involved in something more sinister
than after-school basketball.

Charlotte's Web (Page)
A talented spider goes to the Internet in an effort to save her
friend from the slaughterhouse.

(Toll) Call of the Wild
A cocker spaniel in New Jersey runs up a large phone bill calling
a 1-900 service run by pornographic Huskies in Alaska.

Dead (Head) Poets Society
Young boys at an exclusive finishing school discover their own
inner resources when they form a club and study the lyrics of The
Greatful Dead songs.

Destry Rides (Sidesaddle) Again
Jimmy Steart is the cross-dressing sheriff of a wild western
town, and Marlene Deitrich provides his wardrobe.

(Speed) Dial M for Murder
A murder-for-hire gang conducts business over their cellular
phones.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Fri, 1 Mar 1996 12:50:26 EST
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Shopping spree? <contains some profanity>

A little old lady walked into a neighborhood grocery store and
asked for 10 pounds of potatoes.  The grocer explained he was
temporarily out of potatoes but if she would come back the next
day, he'd have them then.  She left but returned several hours
later and again asked for 10 pounds of potatoes.

In an exasperated tone of voice, the grocer said, "Lady, I told you
before I'm out of potatoes, come back tomorrow, I'll have them
then."  Several hours later the grocer looked up, she's back and
she again asked for 10 pounds of potatoes.

The grocer calmly handed her a pencil and a piece of paper and
asked her to write down her order.  She did and the grocer then
said, "Now, take the pencil and scratch the 'p' out of the word
potatoes."  She did and the grocer then said, "Scratch the 's' out
of potatoes."  She was puzzled but did as he requested.  To her
astonishment the grocer then said, "Now, scratch the fuck out of
potatoes."

"My goodness," she said, "there isn't any fuck in potatoes."

In a sarcastic tone of voice the grocer said, "Lady, that's what
I've been trying to tell you."

          --Lyle's Joke Boutique

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 12:50:27 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Excuses-- Excuses-- Excuses

These are actual excuses given by parents of school children:

1. Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed
   with gramps.
2. Excuse Helen. She has been under the Doctor.
3. John was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
   He was hit in the growing part.
4. Please excuse Patricia from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Alice for being absent. She was sick and I had her
   shot.
6. Please excuse Vera. She is having problems with her ovals.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 17:10:41 -0400
From:    Mark J. Scheller <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Cinderella <biological/sexual innuendo>

[Forwards at the ball]

Cinderella is all excited about going to the big ball. The day
before the ball, she gets her period. She is REALLY gushing, and
she is very upset because now she won't be able to go to the ball.
Her Fairy Godmother comes to the rescue, bringing her a magic
tampon. She tells Cinderella that the magic tampon will absorb
anything, but she must get home by midnight because it will turn
into a pumpkin at the stroke of 12.

Cinderella goes to the ball and her Fairy Godmother waits for at
home. Midnight comes and goes and Cinderella has not returned. 1AM
& 2AM pass by and still there is no sign of Cinderella.  The Fairy
Godmother is frantic with worry. Finally, at 2:30AM, Cinderella
comes rolling in with a big, lopsided grin on her face. Her makeup
is smudged, her hair tousled, and her clothes disheveled. Her Fairy
Godmother asks, with a mixture of consternation and relief:
"Cinderella, where have you been?"

Cinderella says: " I met this wonderful man, Peter Peter something
or other..."

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 17:55:28 -0500
From:    John Holton <Johlt@AOL.COM>
Subject: Elections

Before I retired after teaching for 32 years, I collected the
beguiling observations of my students.  With the Presidential
election foremost on everyone's mind, here are some meaningful
quotes.  To wit:

"One good value of election campaigns is they let us know what
 problems we should be worrying about, and if we are not worrying,
 why we should be worrying."

"When they talk about the most promising Presidential candidate,
 they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise."

"Thin-skinned is good in apples but bad in candidates."

"Minority parties are called third parties.  There are about 30
 third parties in all."

"Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run
 out of ideas and keep talking anyway."

"The campaign manager must have a smart head up his sleeve."

"A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so
 you tear it up."

"It may work for other choosings, but 'eeny meeny miney moe' is not
 a good way for President choosings."

"Being nominated means watch out unless you don't mind being
 elected."

"Also-ran means 'goof' in the language of politics."

"When the radio mentions a landslide, cross your fingers and hope
 it is talking about an election."

"A dark horse is a candidate that the delegates don't know well
 enough to dislike yet."

"Splinter groups are things that get in bandwagons."

"Political ties are just to get elected and not to wear."

"The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stands for and
 the election is when the voters tell if they can stand for him
 being elected."

     --from Harold Dunn, "The World According To Kids"
       published by Spectacle Lane Press

source: March/April 1996 "Going Places" magazine (from AAA)

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 20:50:31 -0500
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Maybe I'm not as humgry as I thought

Sign In Chinese Restaurant:

All fruits and vegetables washed in water passed by our head chef.

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index



Date:    Sat, 2 Mar 1996 21:52:12 -0600
From:    James Renken <renk0006@GOLD.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject: Math & Computers

(If you understand this, you're probably a computer geek...)

Q: What kind of computer is a variable in algebra?
A: One of the x-terms.


http://acm.cs.umn.edu/~jpr

------------------------------
 Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index