Digest for Sunday, March 03, 1996
There are 16 messages totalling 579 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Using your head! (slightly off color)
- Stupid criminals (Non offensive)
- The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men
- Q & A offensive - adult themes
- The Bible
- Happy Casmir Polaski Day!
- Talking Dogs
- Hard Times (Sexual - Offensive)
- Sperm bank joke
- Interrogation Humor
- PMS victim?
- Jerk in the Box (sexual)
- Dead, Loveable "Fat Guys"
- Conservatives and Liberals
- Personal Ads (not offensive-sorry)
- Oral Sex - adult theme
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Date: Sun, 3 Mar 1996 23:51:43 -0800
From: Scott Scheucher <scheuche@EXECPC.COM>
Subject: Using your head! (slightly off color)
I man had been sitting at a bar for quite a while. It must have
been a set up, because out of blue he asked the bartender, "I'll
bet you $100 I can bite my nose."
The bartneder says, "You're on. It's impossible." The fella calmly
pulls out his false teeth, clamps them down on his nose, and takes
the $100.
Then he says, "I'll bet you another $100 I can lick my eye."
The bartender replies, "Now that's impossible. You're on again."
The guy grabs a glass eye from his pocket, licks it, and takes
another $100.
Then the guy says, "Here's a chance to redeem yourself. I'll bet
you $500 that if you take this glass and slide it across the table,
I can pee in it without spilling a drop."
The bartender is convinced he's won this bet, and says, "OK. $500
it is." So the guy stands on a chair, the bartender slides the
glass across the table, and pee goes flying everywhere.
To the bartender's amazement, the guy starts laughing hysterically.
"What are you so happy for? You just lost $500!"
"Maybe you're right," said the guy, "but see the guy sitting over
there? I bet him $1000 I'd pee on your bar!"
http://www.execpc.com/~scheuche
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 06:58:23 -0500
From: Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject: Stupid criminals (Non offensive)
Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though,
they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene
and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With
their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store & demanded
all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the
loot, he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does -- backward! A substantial amount of
narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after
hours and stole-- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video
camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape
recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the
videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's
basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty
badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to
the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the
window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty
badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to
steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched
a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the
pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain
surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up
*more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the
house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they
locked the keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill
on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in
the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the
cash from the clerk & fled -- leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
--from Gwen Eckman
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 20:09:48 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry
if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to
what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most
likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died
According to one article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by
his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking
instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys
who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes,
dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently
and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly
leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a
passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a
traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any
case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would
perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the
stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the
following stupid exchange:
- "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
- "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
Why do you ask such a question?"
- "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
- "No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
- "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
- "Of course I do, dear" he said.
- "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
- "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
- "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
- "Yes" said the husband.
- "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.
- "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
- "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
wear my old clothes?
- "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
- "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
- "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
- "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I
suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
- "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's
left-handed..."
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 08:15:46 -0500
From: Sarah Soderlund <SarahSod@AOL.COM>
Subject: Q & A offensive - adult themes
Q - What do you get when you cross a group of women with PMS with a
group of women with yeast infections?
A - A whine and cheese party.
Q - What's the difference between Ohh and Ahh?
A - Three inches.
Q - Why does NJ have all the toxic waste dumps and NY all the
lawyers?
A - NJ had first pick.
Q - If the answer is cock robin, what is the question?
A - What is that in my face Batman?
Q - What do you call a queer masochist?
A - A sucker for punishment.
Q - What do you call a queer with a chipped tooth?
A - An organ grinder.
Q - What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury
dough boy?
A - A redheaded bitch with a yeast infection.
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 07:26:03 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: The Bible
During World War II, a couple of soldiers were talking about bibles
and one of them mentioned that he had a Gutenberg Bible, at home,
but it was awfully old and didn't think it was worth anything.
After the war, the soldier called his friend and asked him if he
still had the Gutenberg Bible.
"Yes," responded the friend, "but you wouldn't want it. Not only
is it old and falling apart, but some guy named Martin Luther
scribbled all over it."
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 08:48:49 -0600
From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Happy Casmir Polaski Day!
Yes, this is the day that honors Polish-American Revolutionary War
Hero, Casmir Polaski.
Illinois schools get today off!!
- - - - - - - - - -
Today's Thought for the day:
Nothing with a 43 page user's manual is user friendly.
--Sally Forth
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 09:25:30 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Talking Dogs <Adult Themes>
Three dogs are at the vetinarian's office. They start to talk about
why they are there. First one says: "My master says I'm too grumpy
all the time, and bark too much, so he's having me neutered, to
calm me down."
The second one says: "Something like that is happening to me. The
other day, I bit the postman, so my master is having me neutered,
too."
The third one says: "Something like that is also happening to me.
The other day my mistress was taking a shower and dropped the soap
and when she bent over, she looked so good, I took advantage of
her."
The other two dogs asked him if he was also getting neutered.
He replied: "No! I'm getting my nails trimmed!"
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 10:54:23 -0500
From: Joel Clappe <CLAPPE@ADMIN.CLIO.K12.MI.US>
Subject: Hard Times (Sexual - Offensive)
A husband and wife fall on hard financial times and they decide to
earn more money that the wife should engage in hooking to make some
extra money. Because the wife is worried about her new job, the
husband agrees to wait around the corner in case she has any
problems. They go out and setup shop. The first john comes along
and asks the woman what she charges for her services. She panics
and excuses herself and goes to her husband to ask him what she
should charge.
He tells her to charge $100 for the complete act, $50 for a blow
job and $25 for a hand job. The woman returns to the john and gives
him her prices.
The john says that he only has $25 & that he will take a hand job.
She gets into his car and proceeds to perform as requested. After a
couple of minutes she excuses herself again and returns to her
husband and asks, "Honey, could we loan this guy $100."
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 12:31:25 -0500
From: Jim Michelinie <Michelinie@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sperm bank joke <crude>
The subject of conversation (and puns) on a local radio station's
morning show recently was sperm banks. The jocks were taking calls
from listeners and one caller indicated that he worked at a sperm
bank.
"Really?!" said the deejay, "just what do you do there?"
"I'm the doorman" was the reply, "when donors leave I hold the door
and tell them - thanks for coming!"
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 11:29:35 -0800
From: Earl Babbie <babbie@NEXUS.CHAPMAN.EDU>
Subject: Interrogation Humor <not really offensive>
An elderly, immigrant lady was being extensively questioned at
Ellis Island, to determine whether she should be granted admission
to the US.
The interviewer looked her in the eye sternly and asked: "Do you
favor the overthrow of the United States government by subversion
or violence?"
After pausing a moment, puzzled, she finally blurted out:
"Violence."
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Date: Sun, 3 Mar 1996 16:05:48 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: PMS victim? <adult themes>
A secretary asks her boss, "How many women with PMS does it take to
screw in a light bulb?"
"Beats me," he answers.
"ONE," she snarls, "YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
--Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 16:09:39 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Jerk in the Box (sexual)
Heenan, half-pissed, walks up to a bird (woman) in a London bar and
says "Let's go out in the alleyway and 'ave a bit!"
"Why should I want to do that with you?", she replies.
"Because I'm good, goddamit", he snorts.
"Well, all right," she says, "I'll give you a go".
They go out in the alleyway, he pulls down her pants, gets it out,
starts in, then her head starts bobbing like crazy.
Back in the bar, they get a beer and he smirks at her and grunts "I
told you I was good".
"You weren't so 'ot", she says coldly.
"What do you mean?" he says in disbelief. Why was your bloomin'
'ead bobbin' up and down?"
She replies "Because you were in such a bleedin' rush, you 'ad a
bit 'o me scarf tucked in down there."
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 19:52:19 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dead, Loveable "Fat Guys"
10) John Candy
9) Teddy Roosevelt
8) John Belushi
7) Burl Ives
6) Hillary Clinton
5) Alan Hale (Captain from Gilligan's Island)
4) Winston Churchill
3) Stan Hardy
2) Orson Welles
1) St. Nick
--by John Beaver
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 19:18:56 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Conservatives and Liberals
A Conservative is a Liberal who has been mugged.
A Liberal is a Conservative who has been arrested.
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 21:40:10 -0500
From: Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Personal Ads (not offensive-sorry)
A lot of local newspapers have personal ads where people try to
find a mate (or at least someone to date). I've noticed that there
are some "code" phrases in these ads and I've tried to translate
them for you.
CODE TRANSLATION
"I like to take long walks" I don't have a car.
"I like to cuddle by the fire" I'm cheap and an arsonist.
"I like to be outdoors-on the, I'm homeless.
beach, in the woods, in a park,
walking in the rain"
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 23:05:33 -0500
From: Sarah Soderlund <SarahSod@AOL.COM>
Subject: Oral Sex - adult theme
A boy questions his mother about where babies come from. Mom gives
him the long explaination. The boy tells his mother he saw her
take Dad's penis in her mouth, and asks what she gets from doing
that? Mom answers, "Jewelry".
- - - - - - - - - -
The wife refuses sex with her husband because she has an OB-GYN
appointment and doesn't want the doctor to see what they were
doing. Husband asks, "Do you have a dentist appointment?"
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