Digest for Monday, March 04, 1996
There are 13 messages totalling 425 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Aspirin
- Old couple
- The Sticky Door
- If Dr. Seuss Had a Spelling Checker
- Test...
- Adam and Eve
- Lemonade?
- In the family way
- Entrance Exam
- Bali holiday
- Redneck joke
- Revised movie list (cont)
- No Ears
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 08:21:25 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Aspirin
A man walks into the master bedroom and says to his wife, "Here
you go honey. I brought you your aspirin."
"But I don't have a headache," she replies.
"Gotcha!", he yelps.
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 08:41:27 EST
From: Allen Gordon <allen_gordon@GILBARCO.COM>
Subject: Old couple <maybe vulgar, but not>
An 80-year old couple decided they wanted to have a child one more
time. The wife suggested they discuss this with there doctor. The
doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see
if he has enough ammunition. He gives the old man a jar and said
"Take this in that room and get me a sperm specimen." After 30
minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the
couple appeared and handed the jar to the doctor. The doctor took
one look at the jar and said "The jar is empty. Didn't you have
any luck?"
The old man replied, "Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried
with my right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her
left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands.
She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We
just could't get that lid off the jar."
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 07:34:29 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: The Sticky Door
A group of monks lived at a monastery with a sticky door. They
used an old hand held fan, whose handle fit perfectly into a notch
in the door jamb, to pry the door open. One day one of the priests
reached for the fan, which was hanging by the door. He didn't know
that a cockroach had climbed into the fan and was nestled up
inside. When he took the fan, the frightened cockroach jumped out
of the fan right into the priest's face.
Reacting instinctively, the priest knocked the roach off and
immediately stomped on it rather heavily, killing the roach.
The moral: Don't jump out of the prying fan and into the friar.
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 08:56:15 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: If Dr. Seuss Had a Spelling Checker
I halve a spelling checker, it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marks four my revue, mistakes I dew not sea.
I've sent this message threw it, and I'm shore pleased to no
It's letter perfect in its weigh; my checker tolled me sew.
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 11:51:21 -0500
From: Frank Hughes <Frank_Hughes@MCKINSEY.COM>
Subject: Test...
[Non-Humorous post deleted for Archival Purposes]
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 09:39:42 -0500
From: Dexter E. Gulledge <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Adam and Eve
God created Adam. After Adam saw all the animals and other
creatures multiplying and enjoying the sexual game, he asked
God, "Why can't I have a mate?"
God thought about it and decided to create Eve. After the
creation, Adam again sought God's advice. "How do we recreate?"
God drew Adam aside and literally explained the facts of life to
him. Adam thought it sounded great and created a nice little love
nest for him and Eve behind the juniper bush. He then went and
found Eve and took her to the bed he had made. After a little
while, Adam's head popped out from behind the bush with another
question for God. "God, what is a headache?"
--Courtesy of Jamie Montgomery
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Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 13:24:57 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Lemonade? <adult themes>
A young nun rushed into the Mother Superior's office and cried out,
"Oh, Mother Superior, I have just been violated by the new young
priest! He has had his way with me!"
"Go into the kitchen and suck on a lemon for one hour."
"Will that keep me from getting pregnant?"
"No, but it will wipe that silly grin off your face."
--Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 12:19:09 +0000
From: Mark Huth <MHuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: In the family way <adult theme>
Heard from a retired Registered Nurse:
It seems she was working in an emergency room when a young married
couple came in for help. The husband was doubled over in pain, but
wouldn't tell anyone, including the physician on duty, what was
wrong. They finally convinced him to let them take an X-ray, and
found that he had a large vibrator embedded deep within his rectum,
too far in to allow easy removal.
Well, all the nurses are trying very hard not to giggle about this
(as it wouldn't be professional), when the physician, who lived in
Scotland most of his life and spoke with a very cultured, business-
like accent, took charge & instructed the nurses to set up a table.
Continuing his matter-of-fact manner, he told the young couple that
he would be able to remove the "device" and send them on their way.
The RN reported that the nurses were all on the verge of giggles
throughout the probing and pulling which took place to dislodge the
vibrator, but the doctor never swayed from his professional bedside
manner during the removal operation.
However, as soon as it was successfully removed, the doctor held it
up proudly for all in the room to see, and said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, IT'S A BOY!"
The couple left hastily without a word.
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 18:38:47 -0500
From: Jennifer Rankin <ShootAPuck@AOL.COM>
Subject: Entrance Exam <offensive to dumb jocks>
This is my first posting to humor!
The following is an entrance exam given to all football hopefuls at
a certain college.
- - - - - - - - - - -
College Entrance Exam
Candidates must not write on more than two sides of the exam paper
Marks will be deducted for bad spelling and writing which is
difficult to read.
1. What language is spoken by French Canadians?
2. Give important characteristics of ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions or give the first names of the Osmonds.
3. What religion is the Pope --- Jewish, Catholic, Hindu,
Anglican? (ONE only).
4. Who won the Second World War? Who came second?
5. What is a silver dollar made of --- Gold, Silver,
polyvinylchloride? (ONE only).
6. Explain Le Chatelier's principal of dynamic equilibrium
force or spell your name in BLOCK capitals.
7. Approximately how many commandments were give to Moses?
8. There were six kings of Britan called George, the last one
being called George VI. Name the other five.
9. Who invented Stevenson's rocket?
10. Write down the numbers 1 to 10. (Marks will be deducted for
every number out of sequence.)
11. Dublin is the capital of which north-western European country?
12. Name the odd man out --- Cardinal Heenan, The Pope, Archbishop
of Canterbury, Jack the ripper.
13. Who was the winning jockey in the All Ireland Greyhound Derby
1971?
14. Who built the Great Pyramid? --- Rameses II, W.B. Yeats,
Wimpey, Amey Roadstone Corporation? (ONE only).
15. In the 1973 Sheepdog trials, how many were found guilty?
16. At what time is News at Ten? --- 9 pm., 6 pm., Don't know.
17. Would you ask William Shakespeare to --- build a bridge, sail
the ocean, lead the army or WRITE A PLAY?
18. What holiday falls on January 1st? --- Christmas, New Year,
August Bank holiday, St. Patrick's Day?
19. Is a dunker a:
(a) person who dips biscuits in his/her tea?
(b) contraceptive?
(c) lorry for motorway construction?
(d) black person about seven foot tall and good at basketball?
20. Do you understand Newton's law of gravity? (Answer YES or NO.)
21. Arrange the following words into a logical statement:
BRAINS HAVE NO C.S.'S
22. What is 69 and 69 (ONE answer only):
(i) 101?
(ii) ten times your I.Q.?
(iii) An NIHE party?
(iv) All of the above five?
23. Write a prose composition on each of the following:
(i) The wide-ranging knowledge of C.S. students on computers.
(Maximum of two letters. Hint: WS)
(ii) (From your employment possibilities)
The role of fast food franchises in the modern urban
environment.
(iii) My favourite Lecture ( you may not refer to the other two
in your answer ).
(iv) What the restaraunt looks like.
24. Approximately how many questions are on this paper?
(Answer to the nearest 100 if you can count that far).
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Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 09:38:04 +1000
From: Adam Goldrick <A_GOLDRICK@AIMS.GOV.AU>
Subject: Bali holiday
A bloke (let's say Adam) wins half the local pub lottery and
decides to spend at least some of his thirty thousand dollar
windfall on a holiday. After scanning all the travel brochures
he can find, he finally settles on Bali, in Indonesia. From the
brochure the weather looks great, the girls seem happy and
plentiful and beer IS available.
He gets his passport, goes for a visa and finds, as a requirement,
that he needs a series of vaccination shots. Disliking needles
intensely, he nonetheless finds himself standing in the queue at
the Travellers' Medical Centre and, a short time later, rubbing a
very sore arm. He can't believe how many shots he has to have:
typhoid, cholera, yellow fever, bubonic plague, the list goes and
on. Just when he thinks that he must run the course the doctor
produces a needle that is as long as his arm.
"Jesus Christ," Adam exclaims, "what the bloody hell is that for?"
The doctor explains that it is the innoculation against 'tarangula
disease', and that 'tarangula disease' is particularly prevalent in
Bali and that everyone has to have this shot. The doctor explains,
further, that the symptoms of tarangula disease constitute the left
testicle falling to the ground and the victim becoming tired and
listless. Adam agrees that he doesn't want to contract such a
loathesome affliction and subjects himself to the shot.
A week later Adam is bopping around the streets of Bali, sore arm
notwithstanding, having a fantastic time. The weather is great,
the girls are plentiful and willing and the beer is cheap and icy
cold.
After one day of fun, frolic and adventure, Adam is returning to
his hotel room when he hears this terrible screaming coming from
the road in front of him. He makes his way towards it and comes
across a man standing in the middle of the road screaming his head
off. The terrible thing, for Adam, is that while this man is
obviously in terrible agony the crowd are just continuing on their
way ignoring him. Adam can't believe it. After a couple of
minutes of watching the man, still just standing in the street
screaming, he thinks he has to do something.
He approaches the man and asks if him what the hell is wrong?
The man looks at Adam through glazed eyes and manages to cease
screaming just long enough to wheeze in halted speech, "tarangula
disease..."
Adam is aghast, the man continues screaming. This is far worse
than what the doctor had said... Adam can't believe that the doctor
had got it so wrong. Tarangula disease is obviously an agonising
ailment. He thanked his lucky stars that he had that vaccination.
He asks the, still screaming man, if there is anything he (Adam)
can do.
The man makes a huge effort, stops screaming, and pleads, "yes,
please lift my foot??"
Adam says "what has your foot got to do with anything?"
The man replies: "I'm standing on my left testicle and I'm too
bloody tired and listless to lift it myself!"
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 19:15:16 EST
From: Robert Loach <102666.2623@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: redneck joke <poss. offensive to rednecks>
Q: What do you have if you have a room with 32 redneck women
in it?
A: A complete set of teeth.
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 18:27:44 -0600
From: March L. Warn <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: revised movie list (cont)
The (Lion) King in Winter
During the last Ice Age, a sabertooth tiger and his mate must
deal with the fact that his sons are hopelessly inept, and because
of that the species will soon become extinct.
Lonesome Dove (Bar)
Sam Shepard stars as a Good humor man in the old west.
The Longest Yard (Sale)
In an effort to raise money to hire better players, the Kansas
City Chiefs sell off old uniforms and other souveneers of their
glory days.
The (War) Lord of the Flies
An examination of a little-known episode in the life of Taiwan's
Chang Kai Shek when, as a youngster, he was stranded on a remote
island with several classmates and discovered his natural talent
for leadership.
The Maltese ('64) Falcon
Humphrey Bogart, Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lorrie are all on
the trail of a vintage auto that is rumored to contain vital
government information.
The (Sales) Man From Snowy River
A New York Met agent is transfered to a new territory in the
Australian outback.The Manhatan (Housing) Project Government
scientists from across the country are gathered together in a
secret project to develop affordable public housing in New York.
(Best) Man of LaMancha
Don Quixote is finally going to marry Dulcinea, and Sancho is in
the wedding party.
The Man Who Shot (At) Liberty Valance
Billy the Kid's cousin tries to avenge the death of the young
outlaw but a severe astigmatism hampers his efforts.
The Man Who Would Be King (Kong)
Michael Caine makes a monkey of himself by putting on a gorilla
suit and attempting to climb the Empire State Building.
My Left (Over) Foot
Dr. Frankenstein's latest creation finds that he comes eauipped
with spare parts.
A Night(Mare) in Casablanca
Freddie Kruger meets the Marx Brothers in the exotic Near East.
No (Quality) Time for Sergeants
Andy Griffith enlists and finds that the Army does not believe in
New Age philosophy.
Oceans (Seven) Eleven
The Rat Pack hatches a plan to rob the convience stores of Las
Vegas.
Of Mice and (G) Men
Lenny and George are recruited by the Federal Bureau of
Investigation to assist in breaking an illegal alien ring
operating in the Salinas Valley.
(Tired) of Human Bondage
The Marquise De Sade grows weary of his perverted life style and
retires to a monastery.
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Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 20:50:09 -0500
From: Jim Michelinie <Michelinie@AOL.COM>
Subject: No Ears
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.
The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says,
"What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen
around here again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.
The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that
he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the
second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't
say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he
is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabergasted, "How on earth did you know
that, son?"
"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no
damn ears!"
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