Digest for Wednesday, May 01, 1996
There are 20 messages totalling 1085 lines in this issue.
Topics in this special issue:
- Are you an asshole? (2/2)
- Professors
- Good/Bad/Worse {adult themes}
- Cows 5/14
- Cows 6/13
- Humor: Nurses in Heaven
- Law on the March
- Ambitious Parrot (foul)
- Humor ..barf
- Oops [offensive to editors of NY Times, 1920]
- Full Deck-isms, Part VI
- Seniors vs. Freshmen
- Kids Comments on Love (Part 2 of 2)
- Seniors vs. Freshmen et. al.
- Car Buyers... 90s Style
- Have I Got a Deal For You!!
- A Few Jokes (Clean)
- Party
- A couple of goodies (2nd may offend seniors)
- Womens restrooms (somewhat rude)
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 01:02:06 -0500
From: CORNHOLIO <mtrifill@S-CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Are you an asshole? (2/2) <bad words and more>
Offensive
You're an asshole if...
23. If you created the spelling for "restaurant"
24. If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that
you don't read because you don't have time
25. If you accept submissions to your home page and you then lose
some of them
26. If you pick your nose and then flick your boogers at other cars
while stopped at a stop light
27. If you piss into the vats of beer at the brewery
28. If you beat off into the mayonnaise jar
29. If you use all the toilet paper but don't replace it
30. If you have fog lights on your car and leave them on whether
there is fog or not
31. If you park in the middle of a two way street to talk with one
of your buddies in the opposite lane, and therefore block
traffic
32. If you don't support your local sports teams until they start
to win lots of games
33. If you then stop supporting your local sports teams as soon as
they start to lose
34. If you worship movie stars and go faint when in their presence
35. If you drive drunk
36. If you think you are better than everyone else 'cause you've
got more money than them
37. If you smoke in a non-smoking section
38. If you are some shit-for-brains-let's-regulate-everybody -and-
tell-everyone-what-they-can-and-can't-do-let's-outlaw- smoking-
everywhere-except-outside kind of person.
39. If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think
it is unfair
40. If you never return your library books
41. If you go through life thinking that everyone else is an
asshole
42. If you think welfare is an occupation
43. If you take more than 10 items into the "10 items or less"
express lane at the supermarket
--Dipper's Japan Home Page
Copyright 1996 Dipper's Japan
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 11:45:39 +0300
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Professors
A very absent-minded professor entered a crowded bus, with no
available seats. Suddenly a little girl raised from her seat and
offered it to the professor. He was astonished and said to her:
- You are a very good girl, what's your name?
- My name is Eve, daddy...
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 08:00:45 -0400
From: Mark J. Scheller <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Good/Bad/Worse {adult themes}
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's thirteen.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 07:27:34 -0500
From: Ray Oswald <roswald@COREDCS.COM>
Subject: cows 5/14
[ASCII Art removed for Archival Purposes]
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 07:27:37 -0500
From: Ray Oswald <roswald@COREDCS.COM>
Subject: cows 6/13
[ASCII Art removed for Archival Purposes]
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 09:21:00 -0400
From: Matt Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Nurses in Heaven
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St.
Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried
our best to help patients, but occassionally we did lose one. I
think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a
very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the
patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very
hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts
punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the
nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and
says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven... for
five days!"
--from the Prairie Home Companion
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 09:45:40 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
David O. Cobb, a 59-year-old English teacher at prestigious Philips
Andover Academy, has been charged with attempted molestation and
414 counts of child pornography. Cobb, who was apprehended walking
with a twelve-year-old to an isolated cabin, explained to police
that he was surveying the attitudes of the boy and two other
children about the local education system. He was arrested before
he had the chance to be alone with the boy. In Cobb's knapsack were
a pumpkin mask, along with a list of payments he would make to
children who engaged in various sexual activities with "the pumpkin
man." The backpack also contained several hundred pornographic
pictures of children.
Cobb explained that this wasn't really kiddie porn, as many of the
pictures were children's faces cut from a J.C. Penney catalog and
pasted on pictures of adult men from a porno magazine.
Cobb told the children that he was a counselor at a camp for
retarded children. He later said he made that story up because
otherwise, the kids might think he was a "dirty old man."
Source: Lawrence Eagle-Tribune
--------------------------------
A few days ago, we reported that lawyers for Jeffrey Dahmer's
victims couldn't find a hotel that would let them auction off the
cannibal-necrophiliac's belongings. The lawyers estimated that the
Dahmer estate might bring $100,000. Now, a real estate developer
has said that he is so disgusted with the ghoulish fascination with
Dahmer's belongings that he is willing to purchase the whole lot
and destroy it. The lawyers replied that he could have the estate
for $1 million.
Source: Boston Globe
--------------------------------
Leaders of the Freemen cult announced yesterday that God has put an
invisible force field around their compound that will keep their
enemies out.
Source: NPR
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 10:05:51 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Ambitious Parrot (foul)
Did you hear about the parrot who would eat nothing but navy beans?
He wanted to be a Thunderbird.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 13:35:07 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor ..barf
[ASCII Art removed for Archival Purposes]
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 14:20:46 -0400
From: John OConnell <jco2641@RITVAX.ISC.RIT.EDU>
Subject: Oops [offensive to editors of NY Times, 1920]
A Severe Strain on the Credulity
As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor
Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device.
It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler
to the moon that one begins to doubt... for after the rocket quits
our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be
neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges
it then might have left.
Professor Goddard, with his chair in Clark College & countenancing
of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of
action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than
a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to lack
the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 11:30:36 -0700
From: Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437) <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Full Deck-isms, Part VI
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Nice house, not much furniture.
Nice house but nobody home.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No one at the throttle.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.
Not hard-docked.
Not playing with a full deck.
Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game!
On a scale of e to pi, that rates about a sqrt(2).
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
On-ramp doesn't make it to the freeway.
When he plays poker, it's hard to tell whether he has an ace up
his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Not running on full thrusters.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
No wind in the her mind's windmills.
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Fruity as a nutcake.
Off his rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
One board short of a porch
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One Froot Loop shy of a bowl full.
One marble shy of a full deck. (confuses lotsa people!)
One shingle shy a roof.
One side short of a pentagon.
One star short of a solar system
One step short of the attic
One wave short of a shipwreck.
Only uses his brain to keep his head from caving in.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Over the Rainbow.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
That kid reminds me of Paul Revere's ride...a little light in the
belfry. (attributed to Foghorn Leghorn)
Pins 2 & 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 13:36:18 -0500
From: DCHRISTI <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: Seniors vs. Freshmen
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to
attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the
university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a
box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing
the street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the
first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October...
maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis
midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over
the summer
Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including
optional questions
Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto
campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits
him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities,
the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a
contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
--from my girlfriend
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 13:42:48 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Kids Comments on Love (Part 2 of 2)
** Some Surefire Ways to make a Person Fall in Love with You
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, age 6)
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
(Camille, age 9)
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs... and
don't worry if their parents are right there."
(Manuel, age 8)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, age 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something
she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, age 9)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
** How can You Tell if Two Adults at a Restaurant are in Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell
if he's in love."
(Bobby, age 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Bart, age 9)
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just
wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke
up." (Sarah, age 9)
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
(Sandra, age 7)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are --- on fire." (Christine, age 9)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
** What most People are Thinking when they say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope
he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, age 9)
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they
finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
(Dick, age 7)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
** How was Kissing Invented?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm
all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces
or even stoves in their houses."
(Gina, age 8)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
** How a Person Learns to Kiss
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
(Julia, age 7)
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the
best of you." (Brian, age 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, age 9)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
** When is it Okay to Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich."
(Pam, age 7)
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you
...That's why I stopped doing it."
(Tammy, age 7)
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission."
(Roger, age 6)
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it,
but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."
(Dave, age 8)
- - - - - - - - - - - -
** How to Make Love Endure
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Dick, age 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love."
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 16:00:00 EDT
From: Musat, Bob <bob.musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Seniors vs. Freshmen et. al.
you can tell a freshman
by his silly, eager look.
you can tell a sophomore
'cause he carries one less book.
you can tell a junior
by his fancy airs, and such.
and you can tell a senior,
but you can't tell him much!
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 15:25:00 CDT
From: Bakken, Brian <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Car Buyers... 90's Style
What if people bought cars like they buy computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers
but imagine if they did...
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from E to F. Where is the needle
pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to E. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it your-
self, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car
that comes with everything built in!"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while,
and then it crashed - and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
doesn't crash anymore!"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in
my car!"
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 21:59:57 GMT
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@ICANECT.NET>
Subject: Have I Got a Deal For You!!
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--from Matt Goers
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 19:53:19 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: A Few Jokes (Clean)
A portly matron was approached by a seedy-looking character.
"Ma'am," he said, "I haven't had a bite to eat for three days."
"Gee," she said wistfully, "I wish I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - -
The hunter and his guide were terribly lost. "Hey," the hunter
shouted at the guide, "I thought you said you were the best guide
in Maine!"
"I am," replied the guide, "but I think we're in Vermont now."
- - - - - - - - - -
My father was a real boozer. He once saw a sign that said, "Drink
Canada Dry," so he went up there.
- - - - - - - - - -
Gina's husband had just died, and Gina was beside herself with
grief. Her friends tried to console her. "Gina," her closest
friend said, putting her hand on the widow's shoulder, "you're
still a young woman. Before long, you'll meet a nice man, in six
months or so, you'll be married again."
But Gina only sobbed louder. "Six months?" she cried. "What am I
gonna do tonight?"
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 3 May 1996 10:40:00 EST
From: Roland, Andrew J <ARoland@NCRPBILL.TELECOM.COM.AU>
Subject: Party <off to Queenslanders rednecks>
Sam has been working for Telecom for 25 years and is finally sick
of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Queensland as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Queenslander
standing there.
"Names Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in Telecom, I can do that with the
best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin, too."
Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there... by the way, what should I
wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's
just gonna be the two of us."
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 21:04:30 -0400
From: Sue Tuller <Suzered@AOL.COM>
Subject: A couple of goodies (2nd may offend seniors)
Dear
This chain letter was started in the hopes of bringing relief
to tired and unhappy wives. Unlike other chain letters you have
seen, this one doesn't cost any money.
Simply send a copy of this letter to 4 of your friends who
are married, tired and unhappy. Then bundle up your husband and
send him to the first name on the list, and add your name at the
bottom of the list. Someday you will BE ON TOP!
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will have
received 16,487 men and some of them will be dandies!!!!
Have faith in this letter and don't break the chain. One
woman broke the chain, and she got her old man back; don't
let this happen to you.
At the time of this letter, a friend of mine had received
365 men. They buried her yesterday, and it took seven undertakers
35 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs
so they could close the coffin.
Sincerely,
A Good Friend
1. Mrs. Jenny Doe 2. Mrs. Sunny Day
1234 Martin Lane 8765 Lois Lane
Kalamazoo, MO 64000 Yahoo, KY 39485
3. Mrs. Sandy Claus 4. Mrs. Barbara Bush
1225 Christmas Tree Lane 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
North Pole 22002 Washington, D.C. 90909
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A couple, aged 67, went to the doctors office. The doctor asked,
"What can I do for you?"
The man said, " Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had
finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse." And he charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse and leave. Finally the doctor asked,
"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said," We're not trying to find out anything. She
is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and can't
go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges
$78. We do it here for $32 and I get back $28 from Medicare for a
visit to the doctors office.
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Date: Thu, 2 May 1996 23:01:54 -0400
From: David Wall <darkon@IAC.NET>
Subject: Women's restrooms (somewhat rude)
I'd like to call your attention to the fact that women's restrooms
are too small. Go to any public place where there's a crowd of
people, and look at the lines outside the restrooms. The men's
line is always shorter, and moves about 20 times as fast, if there
is a line at all.
Men walk in, are in there for maybe 20 seconds and then walk out.
Then you look at the women's room, and the line stretches halfways
to Timbuktu. Women standing there crossing their legs, croqueting
or reading to pass the hours until they get in there.
Now, it's easy for a man to go to the restroom most of the time.
After all, nine times out of ten all you have to do is pee, so you
walk up to a urinal, pull that sucker out and go to it. Shake it
off, shove it back in, zip up, and walk out. (Men have a saying:
shake it more than three times and you're playing with it.)
It's a little different for women. It isn't as prevalent as it
used to be, but lots of women wear dresses. So they have to pull
that thing down (making sure not to wrinkle it), sit down, pee,
then pull it back up, rearrange everything, go to the mirror, check
their makeup, apply a little powder or whatever it is they do, talk
to a few friends who came in with them, and then leave. Total
elapsed time: a minimum of 3 minutes.
Part of this is because women are handicapped by their anatomy.
Us guys have this handy little spigot on the front that makes it
all easy. (I hear protests from some of them: "Hey, it's not that
little!" Yea, OK. I lie, too.) Women just have the opening, so
they can't do the fun stuff like writing their name in the snow,
breaking up cigarette butts, peeing in the holes in the bottom of
urinals, or seeing how far you can push the cake of deodorant that
classier places put in there.
Another problem: women's restrooms are apparently social clubs.
Guys, how many times has your wife or girlfriend comes back after
her journey to the john and said, "Guess what I just heard?" On
second thought, that's not always accurate. Sometimes they come
back after half an hour and won't tell us anything about what they
did in there. That's because they're talking about us.
Men don't talk to each other in the bathroom. You don't even look
at each other. Talking and eye contact is threatening, and it's
stupid to threaten someone holding his pride and joy in his hand,
because when he gets it safely put away he's liable to do something
damaging to your pride and joy.
Of course, that's not entirely true, either. Groaning out an
"Aaahh!" is permissible, or something along the lines of "Hey,
how's that local sports team?" is OK. Saying how bad you had to
go is OK, too. If there are significant privacy dividers, or one
guy is using one of those enclosed commodes, you might carry on a
conversation for for maybe ten seconds. Thirty, tops, because
you're not in there long enough to say much.
Let's look at what's in bathrooms. Let's say your typical public
restroom for men has two urinals and a toilet. That sounds about
right, doesn't it? Even if it isn't, I'm going to use it as an
example. The corresponding women's restroom will have two, at
most three commodes. I don't really know, because I haven't been
in there, but if they're the same size as the men's, that's about
all there's room for.
OK, time for a little math. Typical male bathroom: two urinals
and a toilet, each in use for 20 seconds. If there's a guy
actually using the john for something other than taking a leak,
it's because he's desperate, and isn't going home for a while and
can't hold it in any longer. We'll ignore him, because it's
disgusting and also because he doesn't want us to notice him. So
the restroom can accomodate six men per minute, right?
Well, maybe not. Some men actually wash their hands or comb their
hair. But they're balanced out because of the other men who come
in, squirt for a second or two and then leave. Six men per minute
is about right.
Now let's look at the women's restroom. We'll say it takes about a
minute for women to go into the stall, do their business and get
out. You see a problem already, don't you? Already the number is
half that of a men's restroom. Then we add in the fact that women's
clothes are designed by idiots. There's always something to tuck,
fasten, put tab A in slot B (you perverts out there can shut up),
and so on. Even the zipper on their jeans is backwards. How many
of you guys knew that? If us men had clothes that complicated we'd
say the hell with it and stay home in our underwear and watch TV
all day.
Then there's women's periods. On a purely statistical basis, about
a fourth of them are going to have something else to do while
they're in there. That takes time, too. Enough on that subject.
Then we've got the makeup and other rituals. Us men can't say much
about that, because women won't tell us. If they do let us in on
it, they censor it so much that we might as well have not asked.
But somehow or other they manage to kill another minute or two.
But we're getting close to the point where the number of women a
typical restroom can accomodate is approaching one per minute.
Based on what we've figured out, we can say that if the restrooms
are the same size, then the men's has a turnover rate of six times
that of the women's. That's a pretty huge difference, don't you
think? So the women's room should be at least six times as large
as the men's. Maybe throw in a few couches so the ones who are
(still) waiting to use the toilet can talk to the ones who are on
their way out. Since they're going to be in there a while, maybe
put in some plants for decor, and a stereo with some romantic music
playing. Better yet, put in a TV tuned to the soap-opera channel
to give them something to talk about besides us. Of course, now
we've made the restroom so comfortable they'll never want to leave,
and we'll still be stuck outside, waiting for them.
You can't win.
Copyright 1996 David K. Wall
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