Digest for Friday, May 03, 1996

Topics of the day:

1. In The News - Involves American Politics, may be offensive -
2. Engine Wear
3. Quotes part 59
4. Law on the March
5. Faries
6. Faries
7. Gross joke
8. Reasons I dont want to work here anymore
9. Song (may be offensive to some)
10. Sweatshirts
11. Fun things to do while driving
12. Hit me
13. Cousin Waldo (poss.offensive to dentists)
14. History 101 (not offensive) 1 of 3
15. Top Ten Lists

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 04:35:48 GMT
From:    Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Involves American Politics, may be offensive

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some from Leno and one from rec.humor.funny

WARNING: May be offensive to looters, lawyers, Kathie Lee Gifford,
Madonna, Middle Easterners, Ford Motor Corporation workers, Old
Rockers, Christians, Dennis Rodman, Crash Test Dummies, Cannibals

The Olympic Torch run began Saturday. Running through Los Angeles
streets with a torch? Been there, done that. Now, let's see them
try it with a stereo under the other arm...

Kathie Lee Gifford was accused of selling clothes made by Third
World children working 12 hour shifts. Of coarse, it isn't true...
the inspector just happened to show up on Take Our Daughters to
Work Day.

A major forest fire started in New Mexico. Officials blame it on
human error - some careless tourist probably started a Ford.

Ford's recall affects 8.7 million cars with faulty ignition
switches that could start a fire. The folks in marketing have put
a positive spin on the problem - they say the switch can double as
a cigarette lighter.

I thought I saw the Olympic Torch go by last night - turns out it
was just someone trying to start their Ford. (Leno)

The Onassis auction yielded almost $30 million more than expected.
The only thing that people didn't buy from the Kennedy era was the
Warren Commission Report. (Leno)

President Clinton began testifying about Whitewater on videotape
last weekend. This is the third step in his overall campaign
strategy of sex, lies and videotape.

The Unabomber suspect once wrote to the Montana Health Department
asking about the danger of contracting rabies from skunks - he must
have know he'd be dealing with lawyers...

A new weight loss drug, Redux, sends a message to the brian to
suppress the appetite. Studies show that it is almost 40% as
effective as finding a hair in your food.

Scientists have finally discovered a gene linked to hyperactivity.
Results would have come sooner, but they had a hard time getting
the gene to sit still.

A GOP group is asking Republicans to switch their long distance
service to a phone company owned by a Christian Right group. It's
not such a bad idea. They can offer features like "Call Onward."

The Department of Labor is dropping its demand that Hooters
restaurant hire male waiters. It was a dumb idea - what man wants
to walk around in orange hot pants with a bare midriff and a skimpy
halter top? Okay, besides Dennis Rodman?

A new religion worships Elvis Presely. I would guess that it
doesn't involve fasting.

Alternative rockers are planning a benefit for the war torn Middle
East. It will be called Hezbollahpalooza.

Good news for Kiss fans - they announced that they will start their
first world tour in fifteen years. It will be just like the good
old days, which means they will be in full uniform and they will
SUCK!  (rec.humor.funny quoting Politically Incorrect)

The city of Santa Rosa, California, is piping classical music into
its downtown plaza to drive away panhandlers and transients. If it
doesn't work, they will call in the Police Departments elite polka
team, armed with high powered accordions.

The Department of Transportation now has a pregnant crash test
dummy. That's what happens when you leave two of them alone in
the back seat.

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 03:57:04 -0400
From:    Greg Pomykala <Pomski@AOL.COM>
Subject: Engine Wear
         <slightly off. to a wife>

               Car Engine Stress

This is my true story.
A few years after my wife and I had been married, I decided that I
was going to teach her about car repairs and how to trouble-shoot a
vehicle. We were driving out of state to a Mall, when I decided
that now would be a good time to explain the Basics (in general
terms). I talked about what to do if a tire blows at high speeds,
what it means if the faster you go-the more your steering wheel
shakes and I thought I was doing a great job speaking to her about
engine stress and engine fatigue when as of a sudden I started
hearing a pinging noise. I asked Judi "Did you hear that noise?"

"No" she said "but why don't you pull over and turn off the
engine?"

"Why would I want to do that? I asked.

"Well... we have been driving for about an hour now, and from what
you have told me about Engine Wear, maybe the engine is tired!"

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 13:16:32 CET
From:    Piotrek <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes part 59

#Anoint, v.:
 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
 slippery.  --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
#The revolution will not be televised.
#No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
#Elevators smell different to midgets
#Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker.
 --Ambrose Bierce
#Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
#Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for
 which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
#Basic, n.:
 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that
 those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
#If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other
 hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a
 psychological interaction.  The difference is that one is friendly
 and the other is not so friendly.  The crucial point is if you can
 tell which is which.
 --Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
#Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
 And that's what parents were created for.  --Ogden Nash
#Did you know...
 That no-one ever reads these things?
#UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
#The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
#"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone
 fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone
 dragged him out again, it would be a calamity."
 --Benjamin Disraeli
#Who made the world I cannot tell;
 'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
 My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
 I never soiled with such a deed.
 --A. E. Housman
#Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
#"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
#"One planet is all you get."
#Jones's First Law:
 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field
 of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes
 an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
 importance of their original contribution.
#The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
#Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some
 people.  --F. M. Hubbard
#Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
#Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
 --Salvor Hardin
#Laetrile is the pits
#You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
#According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
 --Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
#User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
#They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
#The Fifth Rule:
 You have taken yourself too seriously.

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 10:57:59 -0400
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

More than a dozen heavily armed federal agents swarmed into the
home of Paul and Patty Mueller in St. Charles, MO and held the
family at gunpoint as they turned the house upside down looking
for illegal weapons. After more than an hour, the ATF agents
realized they had gone to the wrong address. Although a lawyer for
the county insists that the agents did their jobs correctly, the
Mueller's are threatening suit. The ATF has apologized for this
minor oversight and will clean the Mullers' carpet.

Source: AP

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 09:06:17 +0000
From:    Bob Collins <rcollin1@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Faries

     [Mis-Directed post removed for Archival Purposes]

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 09:34:36 +0000
From:    Bob Collins <rcollin1@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Faries

     [Personal message removed for Archival Purposes]

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 11:53:10 -0400
From:    Lloyd B. Abrams <lba@HOFLINK.COM>
Subject: Gross joke <offensive to gays, necrophiliacs>

Two gay necrophiliacs were walking past the morgue.

One turns to the other and says, "Hey, you wanna go in and suck up
a couple of cold ones?"

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 12:12:21 -0400
From:    Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Reasons I don't want to work here anymore

 1. Affairs with the CEO and CFO abrupty ended
 2. It smells like rotting cabbage
 3. Alcohol banned during work hours
 4. I have to share my 4x4 cube with 30 other people
 5. Can't play volleyball during meetings
 6. Exterminator caused the demise of my only work friend
 7. Recently told I *had* to wear clothes
 8. I suspect this place is haunted by VERY evil spirits
 9. Someone put a stop to my charade as a member of the Board of
    Directors
10. They won't let me do menial work anymore

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 19:26:28 GMT
From:    Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@ICANECT.NET>
Subject: Song (may be offensive to some)

               The Penis Song...

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis.
Isn't it simply grand to have a dong.
It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick...
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake.
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock,
And you won't a-come a-back.

          --possibly Monty Python's

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 15:43:38 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Sweatshirts

     On sweatshirts in the Summer 1996 _Wireless_ catalog:

Baroque (adj.):
When you're out of Monet.

No truly Advanced Civilization
would include Pantyhose.

Men should come with Instructions.
Women ...   Children ...

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 14:48:03 MST7MDT
From:    Scotty <colliers@STUDENT.NS.SUU.EDU>
Subject: Fun things to do while driving

DISCLAIMER: The sender of this joke and list providers are not
responsible or liable for any thing that happens while attempting
these things.

CAUTION: Not to be attempted by anyone under 5 years driving
expereince!

          30 Fun Things to do When Driving

 1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to
    headbang.
 3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
    With a look of fear, lock your doors.
 4. Two words: Chicken suit.
 5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
    The more it looks like blood, the better.
 6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat,
    when driving alone.
 7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
 8. Stop at the green lights.
 9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your
    window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look
    and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to
    them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their
    butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, urinate out the window/sunroof onto
    other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy
    sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a
    stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.


http://members.tripod.com/~ScottyScotty/index.html

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 16:49:12 -0500
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hit me <off. to blackjack dealers>

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
dealer.  The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the
dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer
obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you
 should tip me."

"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for... I'll take an
 eight."

          --Lyle's Joke Boutique

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 17:10:03 -0600
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Cousin Waldo (poss.offensive to dentists)

Bubba's cousin Waldo was real smart. When he was a kid, he saved
old magazines and when he grew up, he became a dentist

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Date:    Sat, 4 May 1996 21:29:56 -0400
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: History 101 (not offensive) 1 of 3

(selected writings by high school authors)

                         Ancient History

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have
to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated
by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a
calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts
which hung to the floor.

The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The
Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son
of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch, who
brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to
it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven
hundred porcupines.

Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he
lost all his cattle and all his children and had to live alone with
his wife in the desert.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river
Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the
"Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope
was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a
cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.

Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two
days , and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded
by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.


               Then came the Middle ages...

when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on
prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his
troops before the battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a
steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the
blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature. During this time people put on morality
plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.
Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door
at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible
death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter
Dontello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of
the Renaissance.

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Date:    Sun, 5 May 1996 00:02:11 -0400
From:    J. Mitchel Bone <jmbone@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Top Ten Lists
 
The top ten reasons the Web is better than TV:
 
10. On TV, there are only 53 channels with nothing worth watching.
    The Web has *thousands.*
 9. On the Web, you're always master of the remote control.
 8. What would you rather do: configure a browser or program a VCR?
 7. "We will be right back after these important messages."
 6. The Web has no laugh track.
 5. Modem dial tones are less grating than the theme song to
    "Friends."
 4. Ever heard of the Jerry Lewis Webathon?
 3. On the Web, you miss nothing during a bathroom break.
 2. A mouse has fewer buttons to master than a remote.
 1. "Married... With Children."
 
     --second part of the c|net newsletter top ten list
                         - - - - - - - - - - -
 
A hearty congratulations to Microsoft Chair Bill Gates on the
recent addition to his nuclear family. Last Friday, Bill's wife,
Melinda French Gates, gave birth to 8-pound, 6-ounce Jennifer Gates
at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue, Washington. Mother and daughter
were both reported to be doing well.
 
Of course, a lot of planning goes into a new child -- as evidenced
by this scrap of paper faxed to us by an anonymous medical
technician at Overlake Hospital:
 
Top ten specs for the new Gates child:
 
10. Two hours between recharges
 9. Infinite capacity removable storage
 8. EnergyStar shutdown (nonprogrammable)
 7. SCSI port
 6. Multiple Registry entries
 5. Compact laptop design
 4. Plug and Play accessories
 3. Small footprint
 2. Software-only audio controls
 1. Bidirectional cereal port
 
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