Digest for Saturday, June 01, 1996

There are 11 messages totalling 345 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer
  2. Quotes part 71
  3. scriptural worse
  4. possibly offensive to women/Native Americans
  5. Cross breeding
  6. Law on the March
  7. Test of Intelligence [off for med school students]
  8. Ill Try Anything Once (Scatological reference)
  9. Ladies Changing room (off. to the overweight)
  10. Awful Pun
  11. your cat 


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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 06:51:08 EDT
From:    Lyle Worsley <100704.3051@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer

I read this from an on-line newsletter I read and thought everyone might enjoy
it.

      Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer

10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
9.  The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
8.  The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of
    them is marked Fast Forward.
7.  You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine
    Rolexes on street corners.
6.  The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they
    receive only AM.
5.  The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
4.  It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a
    couple of rounds of toast.
3.  It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power supply.
2.  You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
1.  The sticker reads "nothing of value inside."

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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 13:54:19 CET
From:    Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes part 71

#Peace, n.:
   In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
   periods of fighting.
    Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
#"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ...
   or is it?"
#Only God can make random selections.
#I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
   Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
#Automobile, n.:
   A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
   pedestrians.
#"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
   massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last
   step of doing away with computers altogether?"
   Jehan Shuman
#Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been
   attempted before.
#There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already
    full.
   Henry Kissinger
#Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
   Aesop
#"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-
    pack."
#"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
   W. C. Fields
#She's genuinely bogus.
#"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
   -- Foghorn Leghorn
#Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
   Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
   is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large
   city can never hope to acquire it.
#Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean,
    "not really".
   Dave Parnas
#Be different: conform.
#You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare
   Thyself.
#Sattinger's Law:
 It works better if you plug it in.
#About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody
   moves the ends.
   Herbert Hoover
#It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as
   when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which
   some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is
   devoid of the sense of smell.
   Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
#McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under ¢50", you can bet it's
   not ¢19.95.
#While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you
    choose your own form of misery.
#Fakir, n:
   A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
   religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
   seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
#Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's
   already tomorrow in Australia.
   Charles Schultz
#I really hate this damned machine
   I wish that they would sell it.
   It never does quite what I want
   But only what I tell it.
#PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
   You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
   followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over
   your associates and people resent your flaunting of your
   power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward.
   Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 05:25:46 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: scriptural worse

[a few of these are suspiciously familiar; from _The Jerusalem Post_]

Students in France don't seem to know their Scriptures very well, juding by
the following answers to test questions.  But it sure is a lot more colorful
this way:

--Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

--Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

--Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

--The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals.

--Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

--Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

--Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

--The seventh commandment is: Thou shalt not admit adultery.

--Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

--David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical
times.

--Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

--Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

--The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

--The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

--One of the opposums was St. Matthew.

--Salome danced in 7 veils in front of king Harrod's.

--Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

--A Christian should have only one wife.  That is called monotony.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 09:12:27 -0500
From:    D. B. Christian <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: possibly offensive to women/Native Americans

An indian is standing on a corner, and a blonde walks by.  As she does,
the indian says "some."

A while later, a brunette walks by, and the indian says "some."

Even later, a redhead walks by, and again, the indian says "some."

A gentleman standing down the street is confuse, and asks the indian why
he keeps saying "some."

"I know how," replied the indian.  "I want some."

David Christian  (aka Bjorn)
Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian
UofNoDak  Grand Forks ND

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease
to be amused.

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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 06:55:39 -0700
From:    Rosen <rosenall@PHILLY.INFI.NET>
Subject: Cross breeding<Off. to lawyers, rats, & mice>

Recently scientists took the sperm of a rat and fertilized the egg of a mouse
with it.

I hear they made a lawyer.

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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 13:00:29 -0400
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

Then, of Course, I Had to Sniff the Bills

An air force sergeant said that he did not use cocaine, although traces of
the drug were found in his urine. The sergeant, at Elmendorf Air Force Base,
explained that his part time job delivering pizzas takes him to neighborhoods
where people use drugs. He has a bahit of licking his finger when counting
out dollar bills for change, and some of his customers probably rolled up
those dollars to snort cocaine.

Source: Universal Press Service

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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 14:07:38 PDT--100
From:    Charles Tidwell <CharlesT@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Test of Intelligence [off for med school students]

     Three young men had to take a test to see if they were smart enough to
go to med school. The doctor who was to test them walked into the room and
asked the first young man, "Where is your nose?" The first young man pointed
to his eyes.
     "You flunk," said the doctor, and he walked to the second young man and
said, "Point to your nose." But the 2nd young man pointed to his ear.
     "You flunk, too!" the doctor bellowed, and walking to the third young
man, he told him, "Show me your nose."
     The third young man pointed to his nose, and the doctor said,
"Congratulations, you pass!" and he left the room.
     The first two young men then approached the 3rd and and said, "Tell us,
how did you do it?" And he replied, "Kidneys, man, kidneys!"

--Charlie from Chehalis

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Date:    Sat, 1 Jun 1996 19:38:52 -0400
From:    John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: I'll Try Anything Once (Scatological reference)

    The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
    "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
    "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a
telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
    "Wow," said the coach.  "I'm impressed.  Can you run?"
    "Of course I can run," said the freshman.  He was off like a shot, and
in just over nine  seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
    "Great!" enthused the coach.  "But can you pass a football?"
    The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.  "Well, sir," he said, "if I
can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

[NOTE:  To "pass" something, as in the above, means to defecate.]

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Date:    Sun, 2 Jun 1996 12:43:36 +1000
From:    NICOLE M. COONEY <s452892@STUDENT.GU.EDU.AU>
Subject: Ladies Changing room (off. to the overweight)

18 STUPID AND HEARTLESS THINGS TO SAY IN THE LADIES DRESSING ROOM

# That's a  bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?

# I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

# Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert!  Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you
  were a man...

# I had a dress like that.  My boyfriend made me throw it away because he
  said it made me look like Edna Everage.

# Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...

# Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me?  Yes, YOU

# Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself

# Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't.  Is the
  'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?

# Size 12?  That's a bit optimistic isn't it?

# Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers

# I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you.  All it does is accentuate your
  roots

# Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?

# Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

# God, you're fat.  Don't you care about yourself?

# I'm sorry, I owe you an apology.  I'm the store detective and I
  followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four
  skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really
  all you...
___________________________________________________________________________
M.Leigh @ M.Lepine - THE BOOK OF STUPID LISTS
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Date:    Sun, 2 Jun 1996 00:33:03 -0500
From:    James Renken <renk0006@GOLD.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject: Awful Pun <for nerds only>

NOTE: If you are not an _extreme_ computer nerd, you will _not_
understand this pun.

Q: What do you call a compressed IRC ban?
A: A PKLine.

James Renken
E-Mail: Renk0006@Gold.TC.UMN.Edu
WWW: http://acm.cs.umn.edu/~jpr/index.html
Notice: Unsolicited commercial e-mail is subject to an archival fee of
200 US dollars per message - mailing denotes acceptance of these terms.

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Date:    Sun, 2 Jun 1996 01:40:45 -0400
From:    Greg Pomykala <Pomski@AOL.COM>
Subject: your cat

You're cat           <mildly offensive>
~~~~~~~~
One day little Johnny went to the hardware store with his Dad. As his Father
was backing out of the driveway, little Johnny heard a loud yowl and the car
bounced up a little. Well the father stopped the car and little Johnny got
out and saw that his older sister's cat had just been squashed by one of the
tires. So Little Johnny and his Father went in the house to give the bad
news. As they walked into the front room, little Johnny saw his older sister,
his mother, his GrandFather and his GrandMother. Little Johnny burst out with
the sad news news "SIS- YOU'RE CAT IS DEAD"  he hollered!
Immediately his sister started crying and his Mother came right over to
Johnny and said "That's no way to break very sad news.  You should have took
a few moments explaining the story........ to soften the blow. You could have
said something like-I'm sorry Sis, but earlier today you're cat was on the
roof, then she slipped and fell to the ground. your Dad rushed her to the
Vet, but I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're car has passed away".
 Little Johnny said   "OK Mom, I understand what you're saying!"
A short while later, Little Johnny's Mother went shopping. She was gone about
a hour, and when she returned, Little Johnny greeted her at the door!
"Hi Johnny" said his Mom, "did you come to help me with the groceries?"
"No" said Little Johnny "But earlier today-GrandMa was on the roof......"

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