Digest for Sunday, June 02, 1996
There are 21 messages totalling 1006 lines in this issue.
Topics in this special issue:
.
- Old Swifties
- assorted HUMOR
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- The Official Sex Quiz (offensive language to some)
- Talk About Bad Luck!
- Appples (offensive)
- A dry joke
- Cannibals
- Quotes aprt 72
- CLINTON JOKE (offensive to Clinton supporters)
- Humor: Road Building
- Give up smoking?.....(possible moral offense)...
- Law on the March
- Giraffe hunting
- Robin Hood?
- Computer engineer/computer geek...[poss off. to engineers/computer geeks]
- Balanced diet?
- The Bickersons - "Its 3 a.m., Blanche!" pt 1 of 6
- Assorted HUMOR
- Appearances Are So Important
- Muso joke (inoffensive, but many may not get it)
.
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Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 08:14:28 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <CharlesT@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Old Swifties
"I don't like that Christmas tree," Tom pined.
"I just had a brain operation," Tom said absent-mindedly.
"I guess this trampoline is okay," Tom said flippantly.
Charlie from Chehalis
------------------------------
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Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 11:14:18 PST
From: D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: assorted HUMOR
From: SHIELDS@calvin.cc.duq.edu
5-martini lunch
A man went into a bar and ordered a martini. When he got through drinking
it he ate the top part of the glass. After he had eaten that, he turned
the glass over and ate the base too. Then he carefully laid the stem
down on the counter and ordered another martini. The bartender got it for him and didn't say anything. The man did the same thing with the second
martini: he drank it, then ate the top of the glass, turned it over, ate
the base, and carefully laid the stem on the counter beside the first
one. He continued to do this until he had five stems laid in a row on
the bar.
Up to this point the bartender hadn't said a word. Of course the man was
getting pretty sloshed, so he looked at the bartender belligerently and
said, "I bet you think I'm crazy, don't you!" The bartender looked him
straight in the eye and replied, "You sure are! The stem's the best
part!"
From: ccook@acs.bu.edu
WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but
imagine if they did....
---------------------------------------------------------------
Help line: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
Help line: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Help line: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Help line: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
Help line: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
Help line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle
and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then
it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn't crash any more!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places
in my car!"
------------------------------
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Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 15:23:10 -0400
From: Jim <jimphynn@INTERRAMP.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hi, everyone! This is Jim, with the not-quite-as-new but still improved
(drumroll please)
TRAFFIC REPORT AND WEB SITE REPORT
A. Table of Contents:
A. Table of Contents
B. Introductory comments
C. The Traffic Report -- or the list by the numbers
1. The countries receiving HUMOR
D. Whose posts were chosen to be on the sample page this week?
E. Why do we have a posters' list?
F. What are the rules of contributing?
G. Frequently Asked Questions
H. A sample of humor
I. Who is this "Jim" character, anyway?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
B. Once a month, on the first sunday of every month, I post the
Traffic Report to the entire list. Welcome to the month of June,
everyone!
I have a couple of announcements to make. First off, if you are
a student who will be losing your email account over the summer,
please send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR. If
you are a contributor, and wish to maintain your contributor's status
over the summer, we ask you to send a message reading SIGNOFF HUMOR-P
to that same address. Please email me or Larry Randall at
randall@mailstorm.dot.gov, though, so that we know not to make you
take that little exam over again once the new semester starts again
in a couple of months. You can send both commands to the listserver
in the same email provided you keep one command per line of text.
This is also an anniversary for me. This report is as close as
we're going to get to a "one year anniversary" of my having become
Traffic Reporter. One year ago last Tuesday I assumed the
responsibility of keeping track of the number of posts, and one year
ago this coming Tuesday I posted my first Traffic Report. A lot has
changed here since then. I wasn't using a fixed size font at that time
to keep track of the numbers, so they looked kind of like an explosion
in a spaghetti factory. And of course, I then reported the start of
the HUMOR website, which in turn necessitated an almost complete
overhaul of this report. And here we are today. I look forward to
the next year being as prolific as this past one. Thank you, everyone,
for your support.
As always, my mailbox is open for you. If you have any questions
or comments, please feel free to email me at jimphynn@interramp.com,
visit my home page at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/, or visit the
HUMOR website at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html
I'll see you all next month. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
C. Traffic Report for HUMOR, 26 May - 1 June
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
26 Sunday 7 8 12 16 13
27 Monday 15 19 14 19 16
28 Tuesday 23 18 18 20 13
29 Wednesday 22 21 19 16 20
30 Thursday 21 18 20 17 19
31 Friday 14 19 22 22 22
1 Saturday 15 11 11 10 11
Averages 16.7 16.3 16.6 17.1 16.3
Subscriptions 8,999 8,976 8,910 8,881 8,955
Countries 77 80 81 81 81
Contributors 791 801 808 801 808
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil,
Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cyprus,
Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Hong Kong,
Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica,
Japan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania,
Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Moldova, Mozambique,
Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru,
Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-Arabia,
Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sweden,
Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uganda, United Arab Emirates,
Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia
Total countries: 81
Email me at jimphynn@interramp.com if your country is not listed here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
D. The posts in the last week which have been chosen for the
sample.html page are as follows (in order as they appeared during the past
week):
Name Subject
1. Randall Woodman Humor: Duck Food & Chaos
2. Brian Bakken Male Facts (Off. to Men)
3. John M. Scheer Poisoned Coffee
4. Ed Lambert Humor: In The News - American Politics,
may be off to women, more
5. Sue Tuller Adult Education (may offend adults)
6. Joel Rosen Law on the March
7. K-A Rejected Breakfast Cereal Ideas {language}
8. Jack Kolb Valujet jokes {HIGHLY tasteless}
9. Melanie van Vuuren Final insult {Off. to bodybuilders}
10. Gwen Eckman A New Twist on Some Old Adages
11. Curtis White The Bickersons - "The Honeymoon Is Over,"
part 1 of 4
12. Jennifer Story Final Exam
13. Lyle J. Kinnaman Lightning rod? {adult themes}
14. Piotr Plebaniak Quotes part 70
15. D S Paull Assorted HUMOR
--------------------------------------------------------------------
E. The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address.
** The following are the goals of HUMOR:
To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of
humor.
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
F. ** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:
1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.
2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted.
One contribution per day.
No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines
max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No
signature file.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
G. Frequently Asked Questions
(note: all commands to the listserv address go in the body of the
message. You may send as many commands as you like, provided you keep
one command to a line)
Q. I am receiving HUMOR in digest format. How do I change this to
receive posts as they are sent?
A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR MAIL
Q. I am receiving HUMOR in mail format. How do I change this to
digest format?
A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR DIGEST
Q. I don't want someone searching the listserver for my email address.
How can I protect myself?
A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR CONCEAL
Q. What happens if I violate one of the rules of contributing?
A. Larry Randall, our rules enforcer, may suspend you.
Q. Is there any chance for some kind of leniency?
A. You'd want to take that up with Larry -- preferably BEFORE you
post something that might get you in trouble. His email address is
randall@mailstorm.dot.gov
Q. How often do you send the Traffic Report out, Jim?
A. I send it out once a week, on Sundays. On the first Sunday of
every month, I send it to the entire HUMOR list.
Q. So that means, if I get the report weekly, I'm eligible to
contribute?
A. Unless you are in violation of one of HUMOR's rules. Right.
Q. If I'm suspended, will I get the Traffic Report?
A. No. When you are suspended, you will temporarily be removed from
the contributors' list.
Q. So if I'm not reading this, I'm suspended?
A. That's one way to put it, yes... That reminds me of a Groucho Marx
quote: "I apologize for not writing sooner, but I've been so busy not
writing to other people, that I couldn't get around to not writing you
in time..."
Q. How do I stop getting the Traffic Report?
A. You have two options: first you could leave the posters' list
entirely, by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF
HUMOR-P. Let me warn you that if you use this method, the way to
become a contributor again would entail taking that short exam that
you got by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE
Or you could send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR-P
NOMAIL
Q. How do I stop getting HUMOR?
A. You have two options: first you could leave the list entirely, by
sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
Or you could send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR
NOMAIL
Q. What if I want to change my email address?
A. For HUMOR, you can change it yourself, by sending
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR, followed by your
real name from your new address, and then sending
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR from the old one.
If you wish to change your email address for contributing purposes,
email either me (jimphynn@interramp.com) or Larry
(randall@mailstorm.dot.gov).
Q. Can I have two different addresses registered to the listserver?
A. Sure! You can subscribe to HUMOR from as many addresses as you
like.
Q. How about for contributing?
A. Sorry. Only one address per person for contributor's status.
Makes the paperwork easier, in case you violate the rules.
Q. I don't violate the rules. Can you make an exception?
A. No.
Q. Sorry.
A. That's all right.
Q. I'm going on vacation for an extended period of time. I don't
want to have HUMOR piling up in my mailbox while I'm gone. What
should I do?
A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR NOMAIL
Q. How do I change it back when I get back to my computer?
A. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR MAIL or SET
HUMOR DIGEST, whichever you prefer.
Q. How do I get what I missed once I come back?
A. All of HUMOR is automatically archived with our listserver. To
get a listing of all of the logs (and how to get them) send
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR. To get *the* current
archive, send the listserv address the command GET HUMOR NOTEBOOK.
Once a notebook exceeds 3000 lines, it will become a log. (To those
twentysomethings in the U.S., no Schoolhouse Rock jokes, please...)
The command INDEX HUMOR clarifies all of this and gives you the
starting dates for each of them.
Q. Are you allergic to any medications?
A. I haven't tried 'em all yet.
Q. Where is HUMOR's website?
A. http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html
Q. Who created it?
A. Yours truly.
Q. Great links page.
A. Thank you.
Q. Who are you, anyway?
A. That belongs in the section after the next.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
H. And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: Fashion consciousness? <adult themes>
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he
seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It
works: four weeks later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great,
except for one problem. He's covered with great folds of flesh where
the fat used to be.
He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.
"There's a special surgical procedure to correct this condition," the
doctor assures him. "Just come on over to the clinic."
"But doctor," says the one-time fatty, "you don't understand. I'm
too embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your
head, put on a top hat, and come on over."
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness.
"The doctor will be right with you," says the nurse. "Say,
what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
"My belly button," blurts out the guy. "How d'ya like my tie?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I. Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@interramp.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 17:36:44 -0400
From: Sue Tuller <Suzered@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Official Sex Quiz (offensive language to some)
THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ
A clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
A vulva is an automobile from Sweden. True or False
The term spread eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
A fallopian tube is part of a television. True or False
It is dangerous to have a wet dream under
an electric blanket. True or False
Copulation is sex between two policemen. True or False
A phallus symbol is McDonalds Golden Arches. True or False
A vagina is a medical term used to describe
heart trouble. True or False
A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
Fellatio is an Italian dagger. True or False
A G-string is a weapon used by G-men. True or False
Semen is a term used for sailors. True or False
An anus is a Latin word denoting a
period of time. True or False
Testicles are found on an octopus. True or False
Cunnilingus is a person who can speak
four languages. True or False
Asphalt is a medical term used to describe
someone with rectal problems. True or False
KOTEX is a radio station in Texas. True or False
Masturbate is something used to catch big fish. True or False
Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A condom is an apartment dweller. True or False
------------------------------
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Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 18:35:58 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Talk About Bad Luck!
The unfaithful wife was embracing her lover in a hotel room when she
heard the sound of a key in the door. "It's my husband," she whispered.
"Quick, jump out of the window!"
"I can't," the lover said, alarmed. "We're on the thirteenth floor!"
"For Pete's sake," the woman cried, "this is no time to be superstitious!"
------------------------------
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Date: Sun, 2 Jun 1996 21:36:28 -0400
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Appples (offensive)
Mike took his apple invention to the patent office. When asked what was so
special about his apple, Mike said, "Taste it, it tastes like peanut
butter." Indeed it did. Mike received a patent for his apple.
Mike was back a week later with another apple. He ended up dealing with the
same bureaucrat who inquired as to the flavor of the apple this week. Mike
explained that he'd invented an apple that tasted like pussy. The
bureaucrat when offered a bite, readily accepted. Seconds later he was
spitting out apple pieces shouting, "This tastes like shit..." "That's
because you took too big a bite" explained Mike.
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 10:17:41 +0530
From: Sanjay Sahay <sanjay.sahay@BLR.SNI.DE>
Subject: A dry joke
Q : What do you think about sex on TV ?
A : Very uncomfortable.
;-)
sanjana
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 10:03:52 +0300
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Cannibals
Q: How do cannibals name elevators?
A: Vending machines - You press a button, food comes out.
ariel:)
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 10:08:57 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes aprt 72
#Bank error in your favor. Collect ›200.
#Linus:I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about
tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that
yesterday will get better.
#Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now ... try to get something DONE!
#Absent, adj.:
Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
#Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
Henrik Tikkanen
#Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
#Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word
"database" are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of
the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other
things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows,
therefore, that writing about databases is not only
unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
#Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
#You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the
language of supercomputers.
Steven Feiner
#Whatever became of eternal truth?
#A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so
do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
Lew Col
#"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going
to do is make the rubble bounce"
Winston Churchill
#Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is
when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very
difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling
houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have
successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
#God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe,
the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes
on trying other things.
Pablo Picasso
#"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
#Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
Aelius Donatus
#There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
G. B. Shaw
#Nihilism should commence with oneself.
#Yes, but which self do you want to be?
#"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
Bertold Brecht
#The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further
than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find
himself in places no one has ever been.
Alan Ashley-Pitt
#I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
#Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do
it every time.
#Dawn, n.:
The time when men of reason go to bed.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
#Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 07:10:34 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: CLINTON JOKE (offensive to Clinton supporters)
A member of the Democratic party, recently deceased, approached the Pearly
Gates. After exchanging pleasantries with St. Peter, he asked him what all
those clocks in the room were for. Peter said there was one clock for
each human being living on earth, and they represented the amount of time
each person had left to live on earth. The deceased noticed that some
clocks ran faster than others, and asked Peter why some clock hands were
moving faster than others. Peter replied that when someone tells a lie,
the hands will move faster thus shortening the lifespan of that particular
liar. The deceased wondered where Bill Clinton's clock was located.
Peter said he keeps that one in the back room, and uses it as a ceiling
fan.
------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 07:22:28 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Road Building
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion-but he always rose
to the challenge.
There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new
S.R.A.H recruits-all from late 20th century Terra-on a training study of
Carter's World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to
support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second
generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were
technologically backward-yet they showed a surprising ingenuity in the
use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot
was demonstrating to his rookies.
"Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded,"
exclaimed on student. "Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly
high technology stuff. How can they do it?"
"A new alleyway is being constructed nearby," said Feghoot.
"Let us walk that way while I explain." As they strolled, he told his
students that countless centuries before, the Carter's World system had
been inhabited by a now vanished race of giants. This planet had served
them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were
thousands of children's blocks, immense and precision-cut. "You simply
jack one up onto logs, bring it to where you want it, put collapsible
jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly
beneath, and collapse the jacks."
I see," said the student. "It's not graded road at all; it's
just a simple hammered-earth base."
"That's right," Feghoot went on smoothly. "You just hit the
road, jack, and don't come back no mo'."
His students registered dismay and anguish.
"Isn't that right, old-timer?" Feghoot demanded of the ancient
Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had
just reached.
"Ah'm afraid not, suh," said the senior citizen, and the
student's giggled at Feghoot's discomfiture. "Oh we used to do it that
way, but it was far too much trouble. It's the soil heah, you see: the
very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay
content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then we simply use a
system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ah've just completed this
alley mahself, and Ah'm just a retired professor of Sports History, much
to old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.
"So you see," he finished eyes twinkling, "Mah hammered alley is
really cashew's clay."
Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never
hesitated. "And he," he said turning to his students, "is clearly the
gradist."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Pope Goes to Mount Olive. Popeye damn near kills him.
------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 09:20:35 -0400
From: James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Give up smoking?.....(possible moral offense)...
A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that
his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't
going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."
- From a post by Mark Mann (via my NutWorks archive)
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 10:21:12 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
Did You Ever Know
That You're Someone Else's Hero?
Mariah Carey has been sued by an amateur songwriter who claims she stole the
lyrics for her 1993 hit, "Hero." Christopher Seletti, a former bodyguard for
Sly Stone, claims he wrote the lyrics in 1989 but didn't copyright them until
1995. He says Stone, whom he's also suing, swiped the lyrics and gave them to
Carey. Carey, who donated the proceeds of "Hero" to charity, doesn't even
know Seletti and says he's lying.
Source: AP
------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 10:41:54 -0400
From: Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Giraffe hunting <offensive to Newt>
A quote from Newt Gingrich:
"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems
staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they
don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively
rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them
in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These
things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an
Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships
and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male
who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because
males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."
-- Adjunct Professor Newt Gingrich, Reinhardt College, January 7, 1995,
"Renewing American Civilization."
The following is a letter making Internet e-mail rounds to Rep. Newt Gingrich
from Fresno Bee reporter John Scalzi. It includes an informal poll Scalzi
conducted on Newt's remarks about --and astonishing misunderstanding of --
typical male behavior.
Dear Mr. Gingrich:
My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in Fresno,
California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments about men,
women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt giraffes, I have taken
it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether that innate giraffe-hunting
urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact alive and well in the
average American male.
While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically whomever was
handy at the time) and largely comprised of white, college-educated, gainfully
employed males, I nevertheless feel that the information gleaned from this
poll will be of some value to someone, somewhere, some time. Perhaps you
yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up
again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the bulk of my column, to be published
soon.
Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever the
case may be.
1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
Yes: 0% No: 100%
2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
Yes:4% No: 96%
3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 8% No: 92%
4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
Yes: 20% No: 80%
5. If you had to hunt another African savannah animal, which of the following
would you choose?
a) Zebra: 2% b) Rhino: 6%
c) Meerkat: 12% d) Boar: 42%
e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%
6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
Yes: 38% No: 62%
7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up
giraffe ranches?
Yes: 92% No: 8%
8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the
urge to stick him with a spear?
Yes: 40% No: 60%
9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
Yes: 74% No: 26%
10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or
simply his own mouth?
Tools: 48% Mouth: 52%
11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little piglet?
Hunt: 30% Wallow: 70%
12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
Yes: 22% No: 78%
13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
Yes: 54% No: 46%
14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
Yes: 58% No: 42%
15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
Yes: 18% No: 82%
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 14:20:10 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Robin Hood?
A male robin was standing on the edge of its nest with one worm
dangling from its beak. Below it were the gaping mouths of five baby
robins. It said, "What an ass I was to get married."
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 15:09:52 EDT
From: Lyle Worsley <100704.3051@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Computer engineer/computer geek...[poss off. to engineers/computer geeks]
YOU MAY BE AN COMPUTER ENGINEER/COMPUTER GEEK...
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting
the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
that actually takes five minutes to run
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the
antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own
nuclear reactor
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing
games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
and have seen most of the shows already
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this
week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain
atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.
Chocolate
(or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates - jg)
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 15:36:21 -0500
From: MR JIM SMITH <STGE88B@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Balanced diet? <off. Irish>
Q. What does an Irishman mean when he says "seven-course meal?"
A. A potato and a six pack ;)
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 16:58:46 -0400
From: Curtis White <WHITE@CSTCC.CC.TN.US>
Subject: The Bickersons - "It's 3 a.m., Blanche!" pt 1 of 6
Here's another routine, borken into 6 parts, from the "Bickersons" radio show
of the 1940's and '50's. The show starred movie actors Don Ameche and Frances
Langford as the constantly quarreling couple, John and Blanche Bickerson. I
wish I knew who wrote the script for their shows; I'd like to be able to give
them credit. If anyone knows, please post it, or tell me, and I'll post it.
- Curtis
"THE HONEYMOON IS [still] OVER"
[Sound of extremely loud and distracting snoring, its pitch covering a
wide range from whistling highs to gutteral lows, continues for several
seconds.]
Blanche: Now I know how it feels to live in Cape Canaveral.
[More of the same snoring]
Blanche: All he needs is a launching pad.
[More snoring, this time culminating in hyena-like snore-laughing]
Blanche: John! Go sleep in the bathtub! Go on!
[One long snore, sounding like "No!," begins very high and smoothly
descends to a duck-quack-like finale.]
Blanche: Stop it! Get off your back!
John: What's the matter, Blanche?
Blanche: I'm not going to spend another night suffering through this kind of
torture! I'm growing old before my time!
John: What time *is* it?
Blanche: Stop being funny, John Bickerson!
John: I'm not being funny, Blanche, I'm sleepy!
Blanche: Look at me! I've got crow's feet around my eyes, my forehead's all
wrinkled, and my chin is sagging! I'm beginning to look like an old
witch! It's *true*, *isn't* it?
John: I wouldn't say that.
Blanche: Why not, John?
John: I'll be awake for the rest of the night!
Blanche: Then it *is* true! You think I look like an old witch!
John: I didn't *say* that!
Blanche: But you *think* it of me!
John: I don't think *anything* of you!
Blanche: You don't think anything of me is *right*! You don't even know I
exist!
John: Blanche, what's the *matter* with you? Why don't you let - me -
*sleep*? You know I have to catch a plane at seven in the morning!
Blanche: Then why did you come home so late?
John: I told you fifty times, my car broke down, and I had to push it home!
Blanche: A likely story.
John: Blanche, what do you *want* me to say?
Blanche: If your car broke down, why didn't you call me?
John: I didn't have a dime.
Blanche: You did, too, I gave you a quarter this morning. Who'd you take to
dinner tonight?
John: [sarcastically] The whole chorus from the Copa Cabana! That's me, boy,
Diamond Jim Bickerson! Why don't you let me sleep, Blanche?
Blanche: I bet you never even *thought* of calling me. I sat here 'til one
o'clock in the morning worrying myself into a stew! What'd you eat?
John: Stew! Put out the lights, Blanche.
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 16:12:02 PST
From: D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Assorted HUMOR
From: P.M.Shaw@sheffield.ac.uk (Peter Shaw)
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 96 4:30:10 EDT
[Heard on Radio 1 - Chris Evans breakfast show. 27/02/96.]
A tortoise was walking back from the pub late one
evening when he was mugged by three snails.
Later on whilst taking giving a statement at the police
station the officer in charge asked "So can you tell me what happened?"
"Not really" replied the tortoise "it all happened so fast".
--
Subject: has it been that long?
From: scott@cannon.usu.edu (Scott Cannon)
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 96 19:30:05 EDT
This was told to me last night by a friend;
"My son got out my old manual typewritter to play with the other day.
After a few minutes he brought it in and said it seemed to be broken..
None of the keys were stuck, so I just returned the carriage and it
worked fine. His eyes got real big and he said: 'Do you have to do that
every time? ...by hand?' ".
--Subject: Watershed Marketing
From: cdt@sw.stratus.com (C. D. Tavares)
Date: Thu, 11 Apr 96 4:30:10 EDT
>From a recent AP story describing the newest advertising frontier:
"Advertising agencies around the country are buying the rights to put
ads up in restrooms... The ads are posted over the urinals and inside
toilet stalls."
The article goes on to quote Greg Carney, director of the Chicago
Bulls' and Blackhawks' facility, who recently rented out his restroom
space, as to why he got on the bandwagon:
"Everybody is always looking for new revenue streams."
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Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 18:07:13 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Appearances Are So Important
A physician was busy with a patient when his nurse burst into the room.
"Doctor!" she exclaimed, "that man you just gave a clean bill of health to?
He was walking out of the office, and he dropped dead. What should I do?"
"Turn him around so he looks like he was walking in," the doctor replied.
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 00:20:25 GMT
From: Nik Makepeace <nik@MAKE-IT.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Muso joke (inoffensive, but many may not get it)
Q. What's the difference between a dead hedgehog and a jazz drummer?
A. The hedgehog's more likely to get to a gig on time.
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