Digest for Tuesday, June 04, 1996
There are 17 messages totalling 589 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Doomed from the start
- Close encounters.
- Q&A
- FWD: Marriage Humor (from the Cornell humor list)
- Humor: Ford Slogans
- The Bickersons - "Its 3 a.m., Blanche!" pt 2 of 6
- Newly Married (sexual theme)
- Drug bust?
- Which is the better deal?
- stupid jokes(not off.)
- Old Man Murphy
- Revenge of the Exam Proctor...
- The Judge
- assotred humor
- Computer Humor [I think!] (Clean)
- off to gays/one vulgarity
- billboard advertisement
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 03:53:20 -0500
From: Grant Anderson <robschool@NWU.EDU>
Subject: Doomed from the start <adult themes, language>
At 02:00 AM 6/4/96 -0400, Lewin Joshua wrote:
>I'm back, and getting married next Tuesday! Any suggestions?
Well, I just hope that you will never have to do what this guy did in the
following story I received from a frind of mine:
> Wedding Bliss
>
>Okay kids, here's the story that tops them all. If any of you guys out
>there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it. This is a
>true story that just happened at a wedding in Clemson, SC.
>
>A buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the
>wedding. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding
>at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to
>the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
>long distances, to support them at their wedding.
>
>He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for
>coming. To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he
>said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom
>of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to
>everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an
>8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have
>gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to
>trail them.)
>
>After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of
>minutes, he turned to the best man and said Fuck You, he turned to
>the bride and said Fuck You, and then said I'm out of here. He got
>the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have
>broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this
>guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's
>parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone
>know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best
>man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
>
>This is his world, we just live in it.
>
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Grant Anderson
Northwestern University Computer Engineering '98
"Don't take life seriously--it isn't permanent."
OAS, AAS, LLS!
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 14:31:57 +0530
From: Sanjay Sahay <sanjay.sahay@BLR.SNI.DE>
Subject: Close encounters.
Man : "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man : "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
;-)
sanjana
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 18:14:25 +-800
From: TW.Chan <twchan@PC.JARING.MY>
Subject: Q&A<adult themes>
Q : What did the hurricane said to the coconut tree?
A: You better hold on tight to your nuts cos' this is going to be one hell of a blow job!
Source: Humor Archive.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 08:13:22 EST
From: Anne L.P. Young <YOUNG_A@A1.TCH.HARVARD.EDU>
Subject: FWD: Marriage Humor (from the Cornell humor list)
--Boundary (ID TskuBjWUOKzbQGY8QHsRkw)
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
--Boundary (ID TskuBjWUOKzbQGY8QHsRkw)
Content-type: MESSAGE/RFC822
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 22:38:59 EST
From: "Christopher Kline"@A1.TCH.HARVARD.EDU
Subject: Marriage Humor
Sender: "owner-HUMOR-L@cornell.edu" <owner-HUMOR-L@cornell.edu>
To: moderated forum for the exchange of <HUMOR-L@cornell.edu>
Reply-to: "ckline@mitre.org" <ckline@mitre.org>
Message-id: <Pine.A32.3.90.951202223835.20651D-100000@tiberius.tc.cornell.edu>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN
Delivery-date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 23:21:00 EST
Posting-date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 23:17:08 EST
Importance: normal
A1-type: MAIL
Marriage Humor:
---------------
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to
his success. - Jim Backus
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That
must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. -
Noel Coward, 1956
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is
finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep
the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
- Lisa Hoffman
She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her
before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting
Harpo's fiancee
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe- Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they
just can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant
Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good
thing for any man. - Socrates
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana
Turner
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution.- Mae West
[the authors of the following are not known]
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and
lightning.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only
marry someone that you cannot live without.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
--Boundary (ID TskuBjWUOKzbQGY8QHsRkw)--
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 07:34:48 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Ford Slogans
>Sent From eastrlng@utdallas.edu Wed May 29 17:49:57 1996
=========================================================
"Ford Motor Company announced a couple of days ago that they're recalling
eight million cars because they burst into flame spontaneously! The recall
came only after Ford was unable to convince the American consumer that it
was just part of that automobile's anti-theft system."
"But you've got to give Ford credit. They acted pretty quickly on this deal.
They unveiled their new slogan this morning, 'Have you put out a Ford
lately.'"
Top Ten New Ford Slogans
10. Where there's smoke, there's a Ford
9. Have you driven a Ford to the fire station lately?
8. Forget Chevy -- we've got the real Blazer!
7. Available in original or extra crispy
6. Now every Bronco is as exciting as O.J.'s!
5. Ford, the Unabomber of the highways
4. Quality is job one, putting out the fire is job two
3. Like a rock -- a rock of hot, molten lava
2. Aren't you tired of cops who stop you for speeding and ask, "Where's the
fire?"
1. Click...vroom...kaboom!
Letterman, Monday, April 29, 1996
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Ford: Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 09:45:39 -0400
From: Curtis White <WHITE@CSTCC.CC.TN.US>
Subject: The Bickersons - "It's 3 a.m., Blanche!" pt 2 of 6
Blanche: I bet you never even *thought* of calling me. I sat here 'til one
o'clock in the morning worrying myself into a stew! What'd you eat?
John: Stew! Put out the lights, Blanche.
Blanche: You sure have the answers, don't you, John?
John: Answers! Questions! All I want to do is close my eyes for a couple
of hours before I take off!
Blanche: Sure, get up and run away! Fly all over the country! You don't
care about me!
John: I'm only going overnight! I'll be back on Sunday!
Blanche: If you cared for me, you wouldn't leave me!
John: I'm *not* leaving you! I have to fly to Las Vegas on business, and
I'll be gone for about 24 hours.
Blanche: Well, why can't you take me with you?
John: [pause] Because you don't take a ham sandwich to a banquet!
Blanche: What do you mean by that?
John: [exhausted] I don't know. I just wish you'd put out the lights and
let - me - sleep!
Blanche: [pause] Tell the truth: aren't you sorry you married me, just a
little bit?
John: I'm not sorry just a little bit.
Blanche: You're sorry a whole lot!
John: I'm not sorry at all!
Blanche: You love me still?
John: I don't know - I never saw you that way!
Blanche: There you go again! It's been like this for the whole eight years
of our marriage!
John: [realizing he'll never get to sleep now] Oh, brother.
Blanche: At night, you won't talk because you're too sleepy. In the morning,
you swallow your coffee, kick the cat and go to work! You *never*
want to talk! - not to me, anyway! I mean a *real* conversation,
John. You know, you haven't actually spoken to me for *3* *months*?
John: I know it.
Blanche: Why is that, John?
John: I didn't want to interrupt you!
Blanche: See? And you say *I* start everything! Can't you say something
nice to me once in a while? Must you always dig at me?
John: Blanche, it's three o'clock in the morning!
Blanche: I don't care! I try to be sweet, and you won't even be civil! Why
did you marry me if you can't stand the sight of me?
John: I can stand the sight of you.
Blanche: But you don't *love* me!
John: *Yes*, I *do*!
Blanche: You *don't*, you *don't*, you *don't*!
John: I tell you, I *do*!
Blanche: Then why don't you *say* it?
John: [trying desparately to control his temper] I've said it until I'm blue
in the face! I've written it in seven different languages! I have your
face embroidered on my underwear! I even offered to stamp out "John
Loves Blanche" with a hot branding iron, didn't I? And you wouldn't let
me *do* it, *would* you?
Blanche: No!
John: Why not?
Blanche: Because it was burning my hip!
John: If you can't stand a little pain, don't keep asking for proof of my love!
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 09:57:30 +0000
From: Ken Keller <rkeller@COM1.MED.USF.EDU>
Subject: Newly Married (sexual theme)
A newlywed couple took a limousine to a posh hotel for their wedding
night. The groom carried the blushing bride into the hotel lobby and
exclaimed to the manager: "Sir, we are ready for some wild sex. Give me the
best suite in the house!"
"Certainly sir, would you like the bridal?"
"Naw that won't be necessary. I'll just hold on to her ears 'till she
gets the hang of it"
;)
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 13:00:33 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Drug bust? <adult themes>
Evelyn was a supervisors nightmare. She weighed 250 pounds, often
called in sick, was frequently late for work, tried hard but was slow
to learn and was a single parent with 3 kids who just couldn't afford
to lose her job. Jim was her supervisor, he was a nice guy and tried to
overlook her faults but she was a source of constant irritation to him.
One of Jim's other employees decided to take advanatage of the
situation in order to play a joke on him. He walked up and said, "The
cops just arrested Evelyn out in the parking lot!" "Oh, no! What did
she do this time?" Jim moaned. "They arrested her for possession of
drugs...they lifted up her skirt and found 50 pounds of crack."
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 11:11:52 PDT
From: Douglas Mason <t3doug@T3WSCD.DOT.CA.GOV>
Subject: Which is the better deal? <not offensive>
Subject: Life in Prison vs. A Full Time Job
______________________________________________________________________
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10' cell. At
work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' pod.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that
one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn
onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In
prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career
and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own
time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost
whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on
your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences
comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere. At work you
are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work,
you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 13:41:28 -0500
From: gregory n bonk <bonkgr@RS6000.LEWISU.EDU>
Subject: stupid jokes(not off.)
Sorry I haven't had tome to post as often as I like, but here are some
more really pathetic jokes...
What has four wheels and flies?
-a garbage truck!
If three people are standing under one umbrella, why don't any of them get
wet?
-It's not raining
seya
-Bonk
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 13:35:00 -
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Old Man Murphy
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he
just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over
into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to
inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front
door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to
tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into
the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and
after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't
think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's
room."
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 17:33:16 -0400
From: James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Revenge of the Exam Proctor...
Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs.
(From a post to Nutworks by Mike Lutz)
The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you
will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT. Acknowledgements
are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former graduate student Ed Ford, who together
pulled the scam off with aplomb.
Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service
course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was multiple
choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to cheat on (one
proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug this hole, at least
for one term.
One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows
everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the final
and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to be as blatent
as possible about cheating.
At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating off
another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and would fail
the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all around, while Ken
periodically called out "eyes on your own paper." After about three such
warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to Ed's seat, grabbed the exam,
tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're outta here!"
According to Ken, Ed's facial expression was a perfect combination of
shock and terror.
For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks
were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 19:42:37 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: The Judge
A judge was noted for hearing more cases than all the other judges
combined. "How do you make up your mind so quickly?" a reporter asked him.
"I listen to the plaintiff and make my decision," he replied.
"Don't you listen to the defendant as well?"
"I used to," said the judge, "but it only confused me."
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 19:06:19 PST
From: D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: assotred humor
Subject: A Strange Name (Original)
From: strange@scs.unr.edu (James D. Strange)
My name is Jim Strange. As you can imagine this sometimes whips up a few
chuckles. My personal favorite happened some years ago. Someone asked
me "What is your last name?" I said "My last name is Strange." Their
response: "Oh, don't worry, my last name is Piccorrney...don't feel
self-concious. So what 's your last name?"
--Subject: Doctors can be funny!
From: jwag@together.net (John Wagner)
A true story...
A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother.
One morning she was over at the docs house when her daughter-in-law
called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a
penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should
bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied,
"I don't think it's necassary, just watch him closely for any change."
Subject: Overheard at airport
From: showkave@well.com (~rob)
At the airport the other day, I overheard a ticket clerk talking to a
passenger who spoke very little English.
The clerk was asking the standard question (these days), "Sir, has any
stranger given you something to carry on the plane?"
The passenger was confused, evidently, by the word "stranger". He just
didn't know what she was talking about. Another clerk was brought over
and they spoke very distinctly (and loudly) and tried to pantomime the
idea of "stranger". Finally, after a couple of minutes of interesting
amatuer theater, the guy finally seems to understand. A big smile comes
across his face and he tells them:
"Women, I am new to America! I have been here only a short time! I do
not yet KNOW any strangers!"
They gave up and let the guy on the plane.
Subject: VIRUS ALERT!
From: gould@pilot.njin.net (Brian Jay Gould)
I got this idea when my wife got one of these phony virus email
messages on AOL.
TO: allusers
FROM: almostanadmin
SUBJECT: VIRUS ALERT!
There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through
the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS
ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles
the second half of every text file on your system.
VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid
dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as
dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf
as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 17:39:40 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <CharlesT@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Computer Humor [I think!] (Clean)
Old grandpa has wee grandson on his knee. Says Grandpa, "I've learned things
at my mother's knee, in my father's woodshed, behind the barn, and on the
street--but NEVER from floppy disks."
Two employees, briefcases in hand, are going into the big building which is
home to DIGITAL PRO. Says the old employee to the new, "A word of advice. .
.there's a great deal of Artificial Intelligence at the head office."
Confucius say: "When reaching for more K, beware of cracking head."
Motorist asks for directions from a pedestrian. The directions are:
"INPUT 82
GOTO PAGEMILL
LEFT G5
IF G3 <>57000
GOTO 280
EXIT."
When something goes wrong with your computer,
1. Look in the back.
2. Look at the ceiling.
3. Look at your shoes.
4. Look in your wallet.
There are a lot more in a book called "A Much, Much Better World", by Eldon
Dedini. [Copyrighted, unfortunately]
--Charlie from Chehalis
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 22:10:00 CDT
From: Lawrence <n9tog@WWA.COM>
Subject: off to gays/one vulgarity
A gay goes in to see his doctor for a regular check-up.
The doctor explains, "I'm going to use my stethoscope to check your body.
When I tell you, I want you to say "Seventy" (70)."
The doctor places his stethoscope on the man's chest, and in a high voice he
responds, "Seventy".
The doctor places the stethoscope on his back, in a high voice he responds
"Seventy".
The doctor explains that he must check the man's testicles. As he checks,
the man responds, in a high(er) voice, "Seventy."
The doctor puts on his rubber gloves, and has to check the man's asshole.
The doctor sticks his finger in - and the man responds, in a high voice...
"One, Two, Three, More...."
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Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 23:54:58 -0500
From: CORNHOLIO <mtrifill@S-CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: billboard advertisement <suggestive/sexual>
* 69...reach out and touch someone
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