Digest for Wednesday, July 03, 1996
There are 12 messages totalling 336 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- This is colorful
- A Personal Ad
- Swimming lessons
- Law on the March
- Owls
- Blanche Bickersons Driving Lesson, pt 5 of 5
- A good one liner reply
- Church Poking
- Clinton joke. (You know whos offended)
- The Party of Hypocrisy
- Twain-isms
- Van der Merwes Motel--maybe off. to Afrikaners
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Date: Sat, 6 Jul 1996 07:34:00 -0700
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <Seshadri.Narasimhan@ALLIEDSIGNAL.COM>
Subject: This is colorful <off. to the racially sensitive>
>From my good friend Srini (srinir@ix.netcom.com)
*************************************************************************
* :
A Poem Written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella
Couple things you should know
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white fella
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.
And you have the cheek to call me colored?????
************************************************************************
heh, heh, heh
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 07:52:50 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: A Personal Ad
>Sent from Steven Willoughby <oracle@synapse.net>
=================================================
From the Personals:
--------------------
SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips.
Cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and I
will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door
when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a svelte
good looking girl who loves to play. Call 565-2121 and ask for
Daisy I'm a eight week old black labrador retriever.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Your shrink called. Your new personality is ready.
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 15:43:39 GMT+0200
From: FIRES <BAR119@BARCSCOM.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Swimming lessons <Off. to water creatures>
Jaws and his little fish buddy were swimming near a beach when they
saw this beautiful girl swimming naked passed them. His little buddy
asked him : " Are you gonna chase her or what ? " Jaws said :
" Watch and learn my little friend.."
And in a flash he started chasing her. The girl saw this and started
swimming towards the jetty, but still Jaws came closer and closer.
The girl just made it to the jetty and jumped out of the water and
ran away. Jaws came charging through the water and with a big bang he
hit the jetty. As he was slowly swimming away his little buddy asked :
" Jaws, being a big fish like you are, why didn't you just turn
before you ran into the jetty ?"
Jaws replied : " Have you ever tried to turn with a stiff finn !?."
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 10:02:57 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
Could You also Send up a Freshman as a Tutor?
Pam Smart will be studying criminal justice at the University of Alabama.
Smart is the high school teacher who seduced a 16-year-old student and
persuaded him and his friends to kill her husband so that she could collect
his insurance. Smart, who is serving a life sentence, received a scholarship
to study via a correspondence course. She can't get a degree from her cell in
a New York prison, but she will be able to learn something about the law.
"She has a great interest in the law," says her lawyer, "especially since she
feels her conviction was a miscarriage of justice."
Source: Boston Globe
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Don't Tease Your Brother . . .
Flatten Him!
Two parents accused of forcing their 6-year-old twins to beat each other on
videotape have been charged with child abuse and extortion. Gary and Tealisa
Downes of Warren, MI videotaped the children kicking and hitting each other
and pulling each other's hair. On the tape, you can hear Tealisa telling the
girl to punch her brother. "I told you what to do, now do it. If he kicks
your ass, I'm kicking yours." The boy suffered a split lip and a bloody nose,
but neither child was injured. The parents explained that they made the tape
to teach the children what could happen if they fight. Their lawyer, Michael
Osaer, conceded that the Downses had not used good judgment, "but no parents
are perfect."
Bail was set at $250,000 apiece.
Source: AP
------------------
If That's What It Takes
to Keep Them off My Front Porch,
So Be It
Singapore authorities have sent a 72-year-old Jehovah's Witness to jail for
owning a Bible and other banned books. Yu Nguk Ding, a member of the
Christian sect for 39 years, was given the choice of paying a $500 fine or
spending a week in jail. She chose prison. Singapore banned Jehovah's
Witnesses in 1972, saying the sect's opposition to military service and oaths
of allegiance undermines the draft laws and public order.
Source: AP
------------------
Flash! Not a Good Idea
to Smuggle Drugs
into a Foreign Country!
An American, who was caught with 20 pounds of marijuana at Tokyo's Narita
International Airport, does not find Japanese jails to his liking. Kevin Neal
Mara, 32, is serving a 4-year sentence at Fuchu prison. Mara complains that
prison officials have placed him in leather restraints and placed in a
protection cell for two days, during which time his hands were handcuffed
behind his back. Once, when he opened his eyes during the reflection period
before a meal, he received 10 days in solitary.
Source: Washington Post
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 10:26:42 EDT
From: Gareth Clark <madcow@NATWEST.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Owls
Two owls were playing pool. One potted the white ball. The other one said,
"That's two hits". The first one said, "Two hits to who?"
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 10:40:08 -0400
From: Curtis White <WHITE@CSTCC.CC.TN.US>
Subject: Blanche Bickerson's Driving Lesson, pt 5 of 5
Blanche: Where's the ignition?
John: On the dashboard! There! The key is in it.
Blanche: Well, why do you have to lock it? Nobody's gonna steal your ignition.
[motor starts smoothly]
John: All right, ya got it started! Now, put it in first, let the clutch out
easy, and you'll roll along smoothly and slowly.
Blanche: [repeating for concentration] Easy...
[sound of tires squealing, then collision and metal objects hitting the
driveway]
Blanche: John? Where are you?
John: [quietly, with infinite exasperation] I'm in the glove compartment.
Are you all right?
Blanche: I'm fine. You're not hurt, are you, John?
John: No, I'm not hurt, but the car's finished. Are ya satisfied now?
Blanche: I just happened to think - today's Friday the 13th.
John: [with the resignation of a condemned man] It wouldn't've made any
difference. I'm a doomed man, Blanche.
Blanche: I'm sorry, John, honest I am.
John: Let's get out of this thing.
Blanche: Have we got any insurance?
John: No.
[sound of door falling and hitting the driveway]
Blanche: Please forgive me.
John: Forget it.
Blanche: I guess I don't deserve to live. I give you nothing but trouble.
John: Don't talk, Blanche.
Blanche: Why don't you punish me; get rid of me? Other men do it. I once
read where a Russian farmer traded his wife for an old cow. Would
you do that, John?
John: [pause] Do what?
Blanche: Trade me for an old cow?
John: No. [pause] But I'd hate anybody to tempt me with a new Cadillac!
Come on, Blanche, let's walk home.
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 21:49:10 +0530
From: Sanjay Sahay <sanjay.sahay@BLR.SNI.DE>
Subject: A good one liner reply
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
;-)
sanjana
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 13:35:01 PDT
From: Douglas Mason <t3doug@T3WSCD.DOT.CA.GOV>
Subject: Church Poking
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.
The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin
along to poke him with every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and
whocreated all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her
husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".The
minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off
again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save
us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted
"Jesus Christ". The Minister said "that's right, That's Right" and went on
with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife carefully and when the
minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their
second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said
"If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 13:48:00 -
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Clinton joke. (You know who's offended)
As President Clinton was walking on a beach one day, his foot tripped
on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to
expose the label. Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a huge
genie appeared.
"Thank you - oh, thank you for saving me from the prison I've been in.
I've been in there for hundreds, yes, hundreds of years. As a
expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish."
Mr. Clinton, being a world leader, knew exactly what to ask for.
"Peace in the Mideast!" he quickly replied.
The genie seemed confused. "Mideast... Mideast... I can't seem to
remember... can you help me out a little?
The President quickly has a world map brought over and he carefully
points out the affected area of the globe, recounting briefly the
long-standing geopolitical instability of the area.
The genie's eyes widen and he says "Oh, yea. Now I remember. The
Mideast! Whew. That's a tough one. You know, they've been fighting
over there quite literally for millennia. I hate to admit it, but I
think that's more than I can handle. I'm sorry. Can you wish for
something else?"
Clinton, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, can think
of only one other wish: "Could you make the American people like my
wife?"
The genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Let me see that map again."
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 17:18:25 -0400
From: George Hughes <hughie@CBUS.MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: The Party of Hypocrisy <American political satire>
Hypocrites have an optimistic, positive, and enthusiastic vision of America.
Jealous people don't.
The greatest danger to America is the American Jealous press. That is the
cause of ill-informed, unwashed, warped malcontents electing too many
nar-de-well Jealous politicians.
Hypocrites believe good character is the most important quality of our
leadership.
Hypocrites are faithful to our civic duty to tell voters that Jealous Party
politicians are adulterers, agnostics, anarchists, artists, atheists,
baby-killers, bad-losers, big-spenders, bleeding-hearts, divorcees, drugies,
drnks, educationists, evolutionists, failures, fakes, fan of Fidel Castro,
fear-ongers, flakes, gossips, homosexuals, humanists, journalists, liars,
liberals, libertines, malicious liars, monarchists, mud-throwers, perverts,
rumor-mongers, scholars, slanders, taxers, thieves. Sometimes the truth
hurts and we tell it like it is.
Hypocrites based our arguments on the facts while the Jealous use envy,
fear, hatred, lust, parliamentary procedure, and war to get their way.
Jealous partisans get mad and start name-calling when confronted with the
truth. Hypocrites know our facts. God is on our side.
Hypocrites don't smile; we don't trust people who smile. We Hypocrites smirk.
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 17:46:11 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Twain-isms
Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from the many
writings of Mark Twain.
-- Only when a republic's _life_ is in danger should a man uphold his
government when it is in the wrong. There is no other time. (Glances at
History (suppressed))
-- It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three
unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and
the prudence never to practice either of them. (More Tramps Abroad)
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Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 17:16:20 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <CharlesT@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Van der Merwe's Motel--maybe off. to Afrikaners
Question: What do the numbers 1066, 1492, and
1812 have in common?
Answer: They are dates important in history.
Wrong! They're adjacent rooms in Van der
Merwe's motel.
James A. Michener
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