Digest for Thursday, July 04, 1996
There are 10 messages totalling 309 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- If Operating System were Beers
- Running wild
- Law on the March
- Van der Merwe again--Maybe off. to Afrikaners
- Theological Rumors
- Old lady joke
- Rubbers & blouses
- How sweet it is!
- Twain-isms
- Fourth of July stupid question
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 06:02:55 -0400
From: gwen eckman <fool@UDEL.EDU>
Subject: If Operating System were Beers
If Operating Systems Were Beers
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DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you
to read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments
of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon
to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like a Mac Beer's can. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them,
very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason,
a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested
it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac
Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes
in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have
16-oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and
say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the
small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS
Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely
new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows
95 Beer's - After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the diffeent brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so
you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or
a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer
The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be
an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix
Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.
cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that
it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer
Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high
pressure development you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors
are that this was once listed in the Physician's Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have
to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.
(author unknown)
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 14:15:13 GMT+0200
From: FIRES <BAR119@BARCSCOM.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Running wild <The "F" word>
This bigtime reporter was sent to dish-up a story about an ancient
indian tribe. After a long trip she arrived at the camp. She was met
by a couple of young kids and a few warriors.
She decided to take a couple of interviews.
Reporter : " I see you've got a of feather in your hair, I always
wondered what that's for. "
Warrior : " Not difficult, it shows how many wife me got.."
A bit amused she went to the chief who was relaxing in his tee-pee.
Reporter : " I see you've got plenty of feathers in your hair, why is
that for ?"
Chief : " It shows how many wife me got, I fuck all !"
Reporter : " Don't be so god-damn hostile !!"
Chief : " Oh...horse-style, dog-style any style, me fuck'em all !"
Reporter : " Oh my dear !!!"
Chief : " No fuck dear, arseholes too high and fuckers run too fast,
no fuck dear !!"
She left.
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 08:51:18 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
I Didn't Hear Anybody
Violating the Constitution
Schools in Mississippi's Pontoc County thought they found a creative way to
offer Bible classes without offending students who didn't want to
participate. In second-grader Jason Herdahl's class, they forced the boy to
sit there wearing headphones while the other children prayed. Now, after a
two-year legal battle, a federal appeals court has ruled the practice
unconstitutional, and the school will stop the classes.
Source: AP
-----------------
What Are You, Blind?
Oh, You Are? Sorry.
When Palermo, Sicily authorities cross-checked a list of disability-pension
claimants with the city's drivers' records, they found that 40 people who
claimed to be blind had no problem negotiating the city's hectic streets by
car. The good news is that, on the whole, the blind drivers had excellent
driving records. The bad news is that they've had their disability benefits
suspended and may be prosecuted for fraud.
Source: Reuters
-------------------------
I'm Not Lost, Just Blasted.
An cop, who tried to help a motorist he thought was lost, did not have
probable cause to stop the car. Foxborough, MA officer Joseph McDonald saw
Richard J. Canavan at 1:15 a.m. driving slowly and looking around, then
making a U-turn through a gas station. The officer stopped Canavan, opened
the car door, and asked if the driver was lost. Canavan wasn't lost but did
get arrested when the officer smelled booze and noticed a case of empty beer
bottles and an empty half-pint bottle of peppermint schnapps in the back
seat. The Mass. Appeals Court said the Fourth Amendment prevents police from
stopping motorists at will.
Source: Commonwealth v. Canavan
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 06:19:00 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <CharlesT@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Van der Merwe again--Maybe off. to Afrikaners
Van der Merwe had a flagpole lying on the
ground. He propped it in its hole, got a
ladder and a tape measure and tried to climb
up to measure it, but the flagpole fell down.
Twice again he propped it up and tried to
climb it. Finally a helper said, "Baas, why
don't you measure it when it's on the ground?"
and Van der Merwe said, "Stupid Fellow! I want
to know its height, not its width."
James A. Michener
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 09:51:43 -0400
From: Rel Davis <z600663a@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Theological Rumors <off to Christians>
SEVEN THEOLOGICAL RUMORS TO SPREAD IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD...
1. The publishing house for the Jehovah's Witnesses is called
the Watchtower Tract and Bible Society. Why? Well, many
witches start every meeting by calling the "watchtowers" of
each direction. (So, they say, do the Masons.) Now you
know: Masons and Jehovah's Witnesses are just fronts for
witchcraft!
2. A lot of fundamentalist churches talk about "sanctification"
all the time. If you look at the word closely,
SAncTificAtioN, you can plainly see the word "SATAN" spelled
out. Sanctification is used by preachers who are really
devil worshippers!
3. Most ministers use "Amen" a lot in their services, and at
the end of all their prayers. If you look back to ancient
Egypt you'll find that Egyptian priests always ended their
prayers with "Amen" as well. This is because the Egyptian
sun-god was named Amen (or Amon) and they constantly called
out the name of their god. So-called Christian ministers
are actually worshippers of ancient Egyptian gods!
4. The Bible plainly says to rest on the seventh day, the
Sabbath or Saturday, but most Christian ministers insist on
meeting on Sunday, the first day. Why? Well, as you noted
above, most ministers really worship the sun god, so why not
have services on the "day of the sun"?
5. In the Dark Ages, when the Church ruled Europe, it charged
everyone a tax, called a "tithe," of ten percent of their
income, to pay for protection. Later, when church and state
were separated, the state took over levying the tax (to pay
for police and military protection). Yet, many churches
today still insist on making you pay your 10% tax, even
though they no longer offer any protection at all!
6. In Old England, "Hel" was the name people gave the earth
itself. When you died and were buried, they said you "went
to Hel." The Churches, to frighten people into paying them
the tithes (see 5 above), pretended "Hell" was a scary place
of eternal torture.
7. A lot of fundamentalist preachers, especially Southern
Baptist ones, preach a doctrine called "premillenialism" or
"before the thousand years." This means that Christ will
come to earth a thousand years before he's due to come! How
can this be so? (After all, Christ can't arrive 1000 years
before he arrives, can He?) These ministers actually await
the coming of the Anti-Christ! Premillenialism is a code-
word for people who worship the Anti-Christ.
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 15:54:11 -0400
From: Lloyd B. Abrams <lba@HOFLINK.COM>
Subject: Old lady joke
Question: What does an old lady smell like?
Answer: Depends...
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 16:31:03 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Rubbers & blouses <sexual, mild profanity>
This man goes into a department store and asks for a box of condoms.
The saleslady offers him a box of assorted rainbow colored rubbers
at half price and he takes it. Nine months later he returns and
asks to buy a maternity blouse. "What bust?" asks the saleslady.
"One of the goddam red ones", he replies.
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 16:42:37 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: How sweet it is! <adult themes>
Just me and Venus
with 'naught between us
but penis.
The Joke Boutique.
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 17:08:24 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Twain-isms
Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from the many
writings of Mark Twain.
-- The Country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing,
it is the thing to watch over and care for and be loyal to; institutions are
extraneous. (A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court)
-- It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no
distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. (Pudd'nhead
Wilson's New Calendar)
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Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 11:47:34 EDT
From: Seth Berger <sethb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Fourth of July stupid question
Does anyone ever wonder why we celebrate America's birthday with Chinese
products(fireworks)????
****Humor Digest is published daily @****
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/1262
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