Digest for Friday, July 05, 1996
There are 11 messages totalling 363 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Alter boys
- Blind Date
- Two Horrid Puns
- Stupid Fireworks Question
- Golf Joke (Religious)
- Republican slaughter
- Stupid Fireworks Question II
- ASSORTED HUMOR
- Twain-isms
- Part 1 of 12 "The Specialist"
- In The News - Includes one bad pun
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 04:07:44 -0400
From: Greg Pomykala <Pomski@AOL.COM>
Subject: Alter boys
Alter Boy? <off to Religious Folks>
~~~~~~~~
I saw a notice on a bulletin board in Church one day. It read;
"All girls who want to be Alter boys please see the Minister- Dr. Smith after
last Mass today"
_\|||/_
Bye for now, (o o)
Greg ! -----oOO-~(_)~-OOo-----
Have a nice day!
Humor Digest is published every day @
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/1262
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 13:08:47 +0100
From: Mark Mostert <markmost@L.KTH.SE>
Subject: Blind Date
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed,
she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her
over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the
scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought
her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she
would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the
young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he
took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early,
and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time
tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 07:52:46 -0500
From: James Renken <renk0006@GOLD.TC.UMN.EDU>
Subject: Two Horrid Puns <clean>
Q: What do you call a 20 cent power cord?
A: A cheap plug.
-----
A UNIX system administrator named Kathy was having problems determining the
disk usage on a server; she couldn't figure out what the system was telling
her. So, she asked one of her fellow sysadmins how to read the output of
this command. He said, "Kath, 'man du'."
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 14:35:40 UT
From: Robert Bess <RobertBess@MSN.COM>
Subject: Stupid Fireworks Question
>Date: Thu, 4 Jul 1996 11:47:34 EDT
>From: Seth Berger <sethb@JUNO.COM>
>Subject: Fourth of July stupid question
>Does anyone ever wonder why we celebrate America's birthday with Chinese
>products(fireworks)????
*****
Actually, Seth, the most prestigeous makers of fireworks--those you are likely
to see at large municipal displays, not in someone's backyard--are of Italian
make.
...and Columbus is honored as the European discoverer of the Americas.
Also, the Chinese did as much to settle the western coast of Northern America
as any other ethnic group.
Plus, Italian and Chinese foods are much more wholesome than your average
hamburger and hotdog.
...which are really German.
Oh Well,
Bob.
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 12:10:00 -0400
From: jon (j.) bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Golf Joke (Religious)
Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf one day. When they teed
off at the 18th hole, the scores were tied.
Moses teed off first. He slices to the left, heading for the water.
Moses lifts his club in the air, the water parts and the ball finally
ends up on the green, 15 feet from the hole.
Jesus is up next. He also slices left towards the water. When he
raises his club into the air, the ball skips over the surface of the
water and lands 5 feet from the hole.
Finally, the old man tees off. Like the others, he slices left and
raises his club. The ball is going over the water when a large fish
jumps into the air and grabs it. An eagle descends and picks up the
fish. As the eagle rises, it is hit by a lightening bolt. The fish is
dropped. As the fish hits the green, the ball pops out of its mouth and
rolls into the hole.
Jesus looks at the old man and says "Great shot, Dad!"
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 13:56:07 -0400
From: K-A <miette@AMUG.ORG>
Subject: Republican slaughter <political>
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[Author unknown]
It all really just boils down to this:
>
> ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
> | chance | sword of death
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
> | | sword of death
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
> species | | sword of death
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
> | | sword of death
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift
> | health care | sword of death
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
> | 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
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To: (silly people)
From: skyk@fourgen.com (Sky Kruse)
Subject: <laugh> slaughtering like a madman
Lest I be accused of being conservative, I thought I'd forward this. =)
It all really just boils down to this:
ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
| chance | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
species | | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift
| health care | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
| 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are TWO secrets to being successful. skyk@fourgen.com
The first is never tell anyone EVERYTHING you know. kruse@compumedia.com
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things in this world are very rarely black and white. Except Michael Jackson.
--------------71F5529478A7--
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 13:18:22 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Stupid Fireworks Question II
9:47 AM 7/4/96, Seth Berger wrote:>Does anyone ever wonder why we
celebrate America's birthday with Chinese
>products(fireworks)????
Another stupid question might be asked: Does anyone ever wonder if the
Chinese ever eat chop suey? (I'm told the recipe originated here in America
by an Anglo.) :>)
**Keep smiling. Make people wonder what you've been up to.**
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 16:28:02 PST
From: D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: ASSORTED HUMOR
I was so shocked when I was born, I didn't say a word for a year and a
half!
Lincoln traveled twenty miles to borrow a book, so why do they close
libraries on his birthday?
A youngster asked his sunday school teacher, "Do you think Noah did a lot
of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
The teacher said, "I imagine he did."
The kid asked, "With only two worms?"
A lot of people think they're famous, when it's actually just a slow news
day.
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 18:19:48 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Twain-isms
Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from the many
writings of Mark Twain.
-- Haint we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town? (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) [NOTE:
"Hain't" is an old rural contraction for "ain't" or "haven't"]
-- Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not
succeed. (Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar)
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 19:37:21 -0500
From: Marcus Parsons <mparsons@MAIL.WIN.ORG>
Subject: Part 1 of 12 "The Specialist"
Foreword
Humor when enjoyed to the full, is that which is based
upon events, experiences, or intimate knowledge of the
subject described; or a mixture of all three. And if the
subject is one which is not usually discussed, yet is of a
character incident to the home life of each family, that,
also, adds to the zest with which one listens to the story
told; or if printed, intensifies the interest of the reader.
In "The Specialist" is sought to portray generally -
known - but - seldom - mentioned incidents of every day
life.
And what could be a better vehicle for the presentation
than the voluble and cock-sure specialist? We have all met
the super-serious individual, utterly devoid of the sense of
humor, on whose shoulders rests the responsibility for the
success of your business and mine. Out of his unwarranted
seriousness -- to those who recognize the artfulness of the
visionary -- comes mirth, and laughter and -- side-aches.
This little story has been spoken by the author to
numerously attended gatherings in different sections of the
country for several years past -- to the great delight of
his hearers. It has been put in permanent form at the
suggestion of many friends, with whom the author joins in
the hope that it may afford some measure of enjoyment to
those under whose eye it may fall. St. Louis, January,
1929
-- The Specialist --
By Charles (Chic) Sale, St. Louis vaudevillian and rural
character impersonator.
You've heard a lot of pratin' and prattlin' about this
bein' the age of specialization. I am a carpenter by trade,
could build a house, barn, church, chicken coop, etc. I
seen the need of a specialist in my line; I studied her; I
got her; she's mine. Gentlemen, you are face to face with
the champion privy builder of Sangamon County, Illinois.
---To be continued--
Marc Parsons, mparsons@mail.win.org, St. Charles, MO
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Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 22:05:25 -0700
From: Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Includes one bad pun
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Warning - may be offensive to the President of the United States of
America, parent murderers, statutory rapists, smokers, Southern
California drivers
A belated happy Fourth of July to all. President Clinton lit the
fireworks at the White House last night - but don't worry, he didn't
inhale.
Motorola announced it will fire any worker the third time they are
caught smoking, even if on their own time. They're calling the policy
Three Lucky Strikes and You're Out.
The FDA plans to confirm that oral contraceptives can be used as a
morning after pill. Announcements will be handeled by the "Leggo My
Eggo" people.
Joey Buttafuoco and his wife are moving to Los Angeles to further his
career in show biz. His agent said the New York market is just too
flooded with statutory rapist auto mechanics.
Avis has been purchased for $800 million. Negotiations almost came to a
halt when Avis tried to force the buyer to take the insurance.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say that strawberries
with parasites may be causing some people to suffer diarrhea. The
American Prune Council is considering an infringement suit.
Microsoft's new online magazine, Slate, presents at least one technical
challenge. How do you download the fragrance samples?
The California Supreme Court has outlawed the state lottery's Keno
game. I guess this means people in bars will be fored to make
conversation.
Laguna Beach, California, is working to control fire danger by having
goats eat excess brush. Goats? I thought only ewes can prevent forest
fires.
A project is beginning in San Diego, California, to test a "driverless"
freeway system. This is great! With both hands free, it will be so much
easier to reload.
And finally, I will leave you with three worsds - Menendez. Shotgun
wedding.
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