Digest for Thursday, August 01, 1996
There are 14 messages totalling 463 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Humor: Interesting Facts
- KISSES & KISSING, No. 2 [Clean]
- Newfie Joke (shouldnt offend Newfoundlanders who are a pretty thick-skinned lot by all accounts)
- Feeling Underpaid?
- Jesse the Farmer
- bible jokes (poss. off. to fundies)
- Law on the March
- Law on the March
- The Operation
- A couple of short ones
- C&W Song Titles (off. to C&W Fans)
- Riddle (offensive to men)
- Oylimbic notes
- The list
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 07:25:29 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Interesting Facts
>Sent From ArtHill@msn.com Sat Mar 30 23:54:48 1996
===================================================
Throughout numerous cultures, the concept of the devil has been a constant,
yet his name has varied. For instance, In German legend he has been called
Krumnase meaning "crooked nose", Ziegenbart meaning "goatbeard", Spiegelglanz
meaning "mirror-sight" and finally Shortzenanklez meaning "guy with shorts
around his ankles".
Where the odds of getting hit by lightning are almost 1 in a million, the odds
are only 1 in 5 that some day you'll get rear-ended in a parking lot by a guy
named "Herb".
Although hard to believe, of 1000 proctologists polled, over 79% say that in
any given work day, they use the word "AND" far more than they use the word
"BUT".
Of 3 million women movie-goers polled, 2.1 million stated that what a date
orders at the snack bar can provide an initial indication of that person as a
sexual partner. All 2.1 million stated that a date who orders Goobers has "no
chance in hell."
In 1994, over 39 million Americans borrowed tools from their next door
neighbors. To date, only 6 have been returned.
Most people know that the currencies of Japan and England are the "yen" and
the "pound", respectively. But most people don't know that the basic unit of
currency for the country of Yemen is the "dungbuck".
Mary Mallon, a cook who lived in New York City around 1900, was identified as
a chronic carrier of the typhoid bacilli. She was the cause of at least 53
outbreaks of typhoid fever and hence became known as "Typhoid Mary." She is
not to be confused with "Buffoon Tyler", a man who lived in New Jersey in the
early seventies, who constantly wore his shorts over his pants.
Mildred Farmer was a baker of connfections in Dorchester, Massachusetts in the
late 1800s. While contemporary history remembers her as a charmingly maternal
figure, she was actually a visciously competitive woman who would sneek into
her competitors' kitchens and sit on their chocolate creations with her bare
buttocks, hence earning her the nickname "Fanny".
In the 1960's and 1970's, scientists conducted experiments on how different
forms of music affected plant development. They found that plants exposed to
classical music responded most favorably with lush and abundant growth and
good root development. Jazz music produced a slight increase in growth.
Exposure to country music brought about no significant changes. And last, but
not least, those plants exposed to acid rock were quickly picked and smoked.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Catscan - a hi-tech device for examining cats.
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 07:22:30 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <charlest@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: KISSES & KISSING, No. 2 [Clean]
I wonder what fool it was that first invented
kissing?
Jonathan Swift
High heels, according to Christopher Morley,
were invented by a woman who had been kissed
on the forehead.
Kissing don't last, dear; cookery do.
Mrs. Berry
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 14:47:47 UT
From: Robert Bess <RobertBess@MSN.COM>
Subject: Newfie Joke (shouldn't offend Newfoundlanders who are a pretty thick-skinned lot by all accounts)
paraphrased liberally from my recollection of reading "The Shipping News" by
E. Annie Proulx
It's not unusual to see even the toughest of Newfound fishermen bent over a
pair of knitting needles clicking away at a scarf, pair of mittens, or such on
an icebound winter day; one has to be good with ropes and knots to sail boats
and repair nets. Besides, a well-make, heavy knit sweater commands quite a
commission in one of those "Authentic Newfoundlander Crafts" shops in Canada's
metropolitan areas.
One seasoned seaman reluctantly gave up the fishing season to drive a
container truck back and fourth from Saint Johns to Montreal. He didn't give
up on his hobby though, and could finish a garment with his hands thrust
through the steering wheel on the road from the coast to Quebec. So deeply
was he engrossed in his work one day that he ignored the posted speed limit
and soon had a mounty in a patrol car tailing him, siren blaring and lights
flashing. On he drove, knitting away without so much as even a glance in the
rear view. After a mile or two of this the officer grew livid, finally
driving abreast of the cab, rolling down his window and bellowing, "PULLOVER!"
The trucker, finally noticing the irate officer, calmly rolled down his own
window and replied, "Ar, there your wrong my son. It's a cardigan."
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 12:29:12 -0400
From: gwen eckman <fool@UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Feeling Underpaid?
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming
he averages about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a
day(working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
asleep.
If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 days.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.
He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student
5200 packages of Ramen.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
And something to cheer you up after all of this. . .
Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a
net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 10:36:41 PDT
From: Douglas Mason <t3doug@T3WSCD.DOT.CA.GOV>
Subject: Jesse the Farmer
At two o'clock in the morning, Jesse the farmer was kicked out of
a bar, drunk as usual. Trying to find his way home through the dark
streets of town, he staggered along until he lurched into a nun. The
wobbly drunkard immediately lunged at the poor woman, twisted her arm,
threw her to the ground and pinned her down.
Several passerby heard the disturbance and rushed to assist the
downed woman. As they puled the thrashing farmer off her, he screamed,
"I thought you'd be stronger than that, Batman!"
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 11:48:18 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: bible jokes (poss. off. to fundies)
From: ginger rinkevich <glr@unlinfo2.unl.edu>
What's the first sign of football in the bible?
Jesus going for the cross.
What's the first sign of foul play in the bible?
Jesus going for the cross and getting nailed.
What's the first sign of drugs in the bible?
Moses came down from the mountain with the tablets.
What's the first sign of the high jump in the bible?
Jesus cleared the temple.
What's the first sign of drink in the bible?
Mary Magdalen got stoned in the temple.
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 16:23:32 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
Some People Are Never Satisfied
Hayward, CA officials were delighted at first when the Aqua Avenger started
his crusade to wipe out graffiti in the San Francisco Bay town. A mysterious
person was covering graffiti with bright aqua-blue paint. Then, officials
decided the blue paint was a bid flashy, and appealed through local media for
the avenger to switch to earth tones. When the avenger didn't respond and
kept giving the town the blues, officials asked police to find him and
confiscate his paint.
Source: AP
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 16:21:28 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
He's the One Who Sold His Reputation
for Thirty-Two Cents.
Former Rep. Joseph P. Kolter is going to jail for stealing postage stamps
from the House post office and selling them for personal cash. In all, Kolter
stole about $9,000 worth of stamps and vouchers and will do six months in
prison.
Source: AP
------------------
I Know You Are
but What Am I
It was not illegal for a truck driver to call two gay men sissies, according
to a New Jersey court. Bobbie Crawford, 55, remarked about two fellow members
of a car club, "Here comes sissy No. 1 and sissy No. 2." The men pressed
charges under a New Jersey bias crimes law, but a judge said Crawford's
conduct was not serious enough to merit punishment.
Source: AP
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 19:30:58 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: The Operation
Old Doctor: I operated on the mayor last week.
Young Doctor: What for?
Old Doctor: A thousand dollars.
Young Doctor: What did he have?
Old Doctor: A thousand dollars.
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 01:57:30 GMT
From: Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@NYC.PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: A couple of short ones <The first may offend Indonesians, the second is a true story, suggestive>
I heard this first one from a comedian named Kristin Chickalella, I assume
that she wrote it-but who knows?
The Olympic basketball game between The United States and Indonesia had to
be postponed. The Indonesians had not finished making the Americans'
sneakers.
Graffiti
There is a diner on Route 23 in Cedar Grove, NJ called "The Pilgrim Diner."
Until a few years ago, the men's room contained a condom dispenser. With
a wide felt-tip marker, someone had scribbled on the dispenser "This gum is
Stale".
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 22:36:07 -0400
From: Greg Pomykala <Pomski@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: C&W Song Titles (off. to C&W Fans)
C&W Song Titles (off. to my fellow C&W fans)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are some that Greg Pollack didn't know about .......
"She broke my Heart, So I broke her Jaw"
"If I tell you that you have a beautiful body-will you hold it against Me?"
"She got the house, The kids and The truck-but I got the Dog!"
"Waitin' for her to hurt me a'gin-so's I can write another #1 Song"
"My Woman's nowa' pumpin' a fire fighter-so I went back to My Little Sis".
"She just married me fer the tires on my trailer!"
"The minister kept a'hittin my bride with a fly swatter all during the
weddin'?"
"You only hurt the ones you love-'cause somebody put sand in the vaseline!"
"Why would she leave me when I have over $60.00 in the bank?"
"I offered her my Heart and she gave me the finger!"
"I 'relize now - Yer too ugly to forget"
"She said I don't satisfy her, like the Mechanical Bull !"
One of the 'younguns' is really mine !"
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 03:41:41 GMT
From: Louie Schimenti <schimenti@USA.PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Riddle (offensive to men)
Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
Because they're pigs.
--
Louie Schimenti
e-mail: schimenti@usa.pipeline.com
lschimenti@juno.com
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 23:50:59 -0400
From: George Hughes <hughie@CBUS.MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Oylimbic notes
Hey, I made it to the Atlanta Olympics. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution has
a column called the vent. Readers phone (404-222-8338) in comments. I've
selected a few examples from today's column (Thursday, Aug. 1, 1996, page
36). These are the ones I thought were the most humorous.
You know you're in trouble when your ACOG bus driver has to stop at Texaco
and ask for directions.
I'm envious of all the people enjoying their Olympic experience as we have a
rellative who is the house guest from hell.
Real men don't do synchronized swimming.
If beach volleyball is an Olympic sport, I think Frisbee should be one too.
Boy, I miss all you hunky Olympic construction guys. Will you be back to
help tear everything down?
To the Centennial Park bomber: Now that you've accomplished all you're going
to in you pathetic life, you can die happy. Might I suggest exhaust fumes?
Either chivalry is making a comeback or I'm starting to look pretty old.
Three men stood up on MARTA and gave me their seats today.
Some of the men's gymnastics routines should have an X rating.
The reason you think all the visitors from Africa, Asia and Europe haven't
been rude is because is because they're speaking in another language, stupid.
The world is in love with Bob Costas.
Dump Izzy and make Janet Evans the new official mascot of the '96 Olympic Games.
I'd like to thank the tourist downtown who bought my Opening Ceremonies pin
for $500.
I am a fashion model from Cincinnati, and I flashed a smile at a guard at
the Main Press Center. He blushed so hard that he forgot to check my bag.
Thank God that I am in the fashion business instead of the terrorist business.
If the track coaches don't pick Carl Lewis for the relay, they should have
to listen to him sing the Star Spangled Banner in a locked room.
I had a dream last night that I was Alexi Niemov's pommel horse.
Preliminary springboard diving competition vs. gold medal softball game? You
be the judge. (Note: Softball is probably the number one adult participation
soft in America. Of course, NBC showed the diving prelims and then showed
highlights of the softball. US beat China for the gold medal)..
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Date: Thu, 1 Aug 1996 22:56:52 -0500
From: Jim Riley <jimriley@KKTV.COM>
Subject: The list
I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom,
Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser
during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in
traffic, Dr. Quinn medicine chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at
work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in
conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined
with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off the IQ of Anna Nicole
Smith, because of course, we don't want to feel too threatened.
So that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well,
first off put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away
from the magazine.
Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your
head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking
Tex-Mex." Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to
tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!
All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to
reveal the master list to all you non tri-pods, but what the hell.
Here goes. Here's what men want from women. One through Ten:
ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about
clothes. All right? Yours or ours. All we need is one pair of
tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it.
TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on. All right.
Very simple. Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we
don't talk.
THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and
expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over
swinging a pair of num-chucks, all right?
FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' or 'Scarface'
with me for the
fifty-seventh time?
FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and
think, "You know I'll betcha my accountant is boning me up the
ass."
SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks
like that at The Drink when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor a
relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther
meeting.
EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just
because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean
consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup
Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin
ward at Cedars-Sinai. All right?
NINE- Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us
to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we
cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for
about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck
did I marry this hamster?"
TEN- be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out
of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the
light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy
blow job once in a while.
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