Digest for Friday, August 02, 1996
There are 11 messages totalling 469 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Preparation for parenthood
- Humor: Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
- Words of Wisdom
- Law on the March
- Science
- Polish Airplane (offensive to Polish People)
- Bear In the Woods {adult theme}
- Birds on a Wire < suggestive >
- Twain-isms
- More Country and Western song titles
- The Art of Insult [offensive to no one]
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 09:43:54 +0100
From: Mark Mostert <markmost@L.KTH.SE>
Subject: Preparation for parenthood
I am posting this on behalf of David Dietz (dmdeitz@juno.com), who is
not (as yet) a contributor to this list.
Preparation for Parenthood
****************************
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and
read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and
how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the
last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep,
get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at
3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the
alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger
behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all
morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs
and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you
have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette
player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
-There!, Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as
much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay
for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops
are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself
singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify
as a parent.
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 07:28:16 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
>Sent From anng@efficient.com Mon Apr 1 09:00:47 1996
======================================================
The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
================================
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at
ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
arm,stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you
to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat
yourself to a lie in.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- When in doubt, drink heavily.
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 09:44:27 EDT
From: Gareth Clark <madcow@NATWEST.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Words of Wisdom
- All generalisations are false.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- I love cats. They taste just like chicken.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Conserve toilet paper. Use both sides.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- Save a tree. Eat a Beaver.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- Sex is a misdemeanour. The more I miss it, the meaner I get.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Nobody's ugly after 2am.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Real women don't have hot flushes. They have *power surges*.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!
- Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!
- It's lonely at the top. But at least you eat better.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else!
- Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 12:27:59 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
Man Blows Nose
Thousands Dead.
The Arapahole County bomb squad kept Nicolas Villarruel's nose from
exploding. The Colorado man works at a machine that loads a small explosive
charge into the device that sets off air bags in cars. When the machine
exploded, one of the charges, equal to about five fire crackers, got stuck in
his nose. The bomb squad escorted him to the hospital. Doctors had to keep
his head under water during part of the operation, because air activates the
explosive charges. "We were all on edge," said Dr. Michael Gordon after the
successful surgery. If the charge had exploded, Villarruel could have been
killed.
Source: Reuters
------------------------
I Thought He Had My Eyes,
but Now He Has My Money
Jonathan Richardson paid child support for nine years before he found out
that he wasn't the father of the child. Then, he wanted his money back. The
MA Supreme Judicial Court ruled that the father had agreed to pay support to
avoid a paternity suit. Because he hadn't contested paternity before, he
wasn't entitled to a refund now.
Source: AP
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 12:52:13 -0400
From: Nathan Faut <Nathan_Faut@NIH.GOV>
Subject: Science <off. scientists, life-forms, Netherlanders, others>
>From the book, Dr. Science's Big Book of Science Simplified, used without
permission:
-----
Q: I recently saw the movie, Humanoids of the Deep, which made me wonder,
will the dumping of toxic waste speeed up human mutations?
A: I'm glad you wrote. As you may or may not know, I get most of my
inforamtion about human evolution from movies, especially those movies that
star Doug McClure. My experience has been that movie producers, being
relatively unevolved humans, have an angle on human evolution that science
just doesn't have. Yes, Hollywood's image of a world gone mad, filled with
creatures from the black lagoon, irradiated astronauts, humanoids, androids,
and cyborgs, seems pretty much to conform to reality. Even if it doesn't,
any movie starring Doug McClue is worth taking a look at.
Q: If Brussels sprouts are sprouts, what do they grow up to be?
A: Brussels sprouts refuse to grow up. This hideous life form has baffled
science for years. Children and dogs, sensitive to evil, refuse to eat
Brussels sprouts. The Latin name for the Brussels sprout is Vegetus
Infernus or "leafy thing from hell". The first botanist to identify the
sprout said it came from the "nether regions". An inept lab assistant
changed this to the "Netherlands", and this was further corrupted to "Brussels".
As to their being sprouts, they have been seen sprouting from
harmless broccoli, which leads me to believe they might be a type of fungus.
Whatever they are, they don't grow up, and neither will you if you eat them.
Q: Can you describe in scientific terms the workings of a lava lamp?
A: Yes, I can and I will. The lava lamp contains a small blob of DNA
floating in a solution of RNA. These primitive laboratories for life are
activated by a simple sixty-watt bulb. Warmed, the blob starts swimming,
hunting, yearning -- hoping to fill the empty spot inside. Driven by the
four horsemen (remorse, terror, greed, and, of course, envy), this blob opts
to remain ever unevolved. You see, lava lamps are creatures without the
courage to be truly alive. Like college professors, they remain forever in
a tepid amniotic limbo. They provide little in the way of illumination and
are stared at by adolescents with nothing better to do.
-----
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 16:17:25 -0400
From: Greg Pollock <Greg_Pollock@AFS-LSC.COM>
Subject: Polish Airplane (offensive to Polish People)
Q: How can you tell a polish airplane in a snowstorm?
A: Its the plane with the chains on the propellers.
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 16:18:22 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Bear In the Woods {adult theme}
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I
can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
over, and I'll [ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and
buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees
the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him
flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him
and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 15:30:25 -0600
From: Chris Twichell <tazmania@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: Birds on a Wire < suggestive >
An elementary school math teacher asks her class one day, "If there are
three birds on a wire, and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?" One
little boy says two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question,
says, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly
away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.
Johnny, however, disagrees. He says, "No, teacher, there would be one --
the one that the farmer shot." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, you're
wrong, but I like the way you think."
"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasts Johnny. "Let's say three
women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The
first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly
sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the
top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"
After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replies, "Well, I think
it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the
inside." Johnny says, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the
wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
Christopher A. Twichell
"To infinity and beyond!!"
tazmania@mail.utexas.edu
http://www.ece.utexas.edu/~twichell
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 17:19:35 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Twain-isms
Here are some more excerpts (published without permission) from
the many writings of Mark Twain. It's interesting to note that he could
(sometimes) seem to contradict himself.
-- Work consists of whatever a body is _obliged_ to do....Play consists
of whatever a body is not obliged to do. (The Adventures of Tom Sawyer)
-- The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all.
(The New York Times, November 26, 1905)
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 17:29:56 -0400
From: Thomas E. Foster <tfoster@EN.COM>
Subject: More Country and Western song titles
Some more titles in addition to the last two contributions:
I don't mind if you lie to me, as long as I ain't lyin' alone
I wouldn't take you to a dog fight even if I thought you could win
If you leave me, walk out backwards so I'll think you're comin' in
My John Deere was breaking your field while your dear john was breaking my heart
Touch me in that old familiar way and I'll break your old familiar hand
Get off the stove, Mother, you're too old to be riding the range
Don't cry, Little Darlin', you're waterin' my beer
Tennis must be your racket 'cause love means nothing to you
Each man leaves his footprints in the sands of time, but I'll leave my mark as a
heel
When you say you love me, you're full of prunes, 'cause living with you is the pi
ts
I've got red eyes from your white lies and I'm blue all the time
I can't get over you, so I get up and go around the other side
If you won't leave me alone, I'll find someone who will
I us'ta kiss her mouth, but it's all over now
She was a girl who lost her honor, so he got honor back
I knew that you'd committed a sin when you came home late with your socks outside
in
I've got a strong right to love you with a week left to live
I'm a rabbit in the headlights of your love
Don't kick my tires if you ain't gonna take me for a ride
He was lawyer who couldn't pass a bar
I liked you better before I knew you so well
I still miss you, Baby, but my aim's gettin' better
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 17:43:13 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <charlest@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: The Art of Insult [offensive to no one]
The art of insult is one of the oldest forms of repartee. Perhaps the finest
of all examples of the retort discourteous is the one uttered by the Greek
philosopher Diogenes to Alexander the Great. Seeing the impoverished
philosopher with no more possessions than a large bath tub ["Eurika, I have
found it", he said, when he located the slippery the bar of soap.], the
world-conquering Alexander required, "Is there something I can do for you?"
"Yes," replied Diogenes, "stand out of my sun."
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