Digest for Saturday, August 03, 1996
There are 6 messages totalling 168 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Art of Insult--2 [still and always, clean]
- Master piece (potentially offensive to women)
- Dirty Joke
- Thats a Bad Hook
- 10 Reasons Dole will not pick Speaker Gingrich for Veep
- In The News - Olympics, American politics
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Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 23:32:05 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <charlest@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: The Art of Insult--2 [still and always, clean]
Almost 2000 years after the art of insult mentioned yesterday by Diogenes to
Alexander the Great, the art had reached devistating and almost fatal
viciousness. The antagonism between Britisher William Pitt, the first Earl
of Chatham, and Robert Walpole, Earl of Oxford, lead to some of the most
severe diatribes ever recorded. The climax was reached when, after a
particularly heated speech, Walpole and Pitt met outside of Parliament. The
older man furiously taunted the younger. Said Walpole, "You will either die
on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease!"
"That, my Lord," replied Pitt, depends upon whether I embrase your policies
or your mistress."
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Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 00:02:26 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Master piece (potentially offensive to women)
[Thanks to ginger rinkevich]
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked "If I
understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen?"
"That't correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's
face turned bright red; she picked up her books without a word and walked
out of class never to return. As she was going out the door, the totally
straight-faced professor answered her question: "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue."
>
>
>
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 11:41:01 -0400
From: Brian Weston <westonb@ATHENA.SUNYOCC.EDU>
Subject: Dirty Joke <offensive to nurses>
Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
A: The Head Nurse.
Constructive Comments? Cool Chatter? Email me at westonb@athena.sunyocc.edu
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Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 14:44:05 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: That's a Bad Hook
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped
the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot
to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the
sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "your ball flew out onto
the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of
control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck
couldn't make it to the fire and the building burned down. So, what are
you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close
my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
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Date: Sun, 4 Aug 1996 00:19:22 -0400
From: George Hughes <hughie@CBUS.MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: 10 Reasons Dole will not pick Speaker Gingrich for Veep
Top Ten Reasons Bob Dole will not select Newt Gingrich for Vice President:
10. Newt talks too much, say too little..
9. Newt inhales when he smokes marijuana.
8. Newt couldn't get tenure at West Georgia College.
7. Newt think Alvin Toffler is an intellectual.
6. Newt is a deadbeat dad.
5. Newt is a draft dodger.
4. Newt acts like he is more important than Bob.
3. Newt is fat--fat stomach, fast ass, fat head.
2. Newt doesn't know how to shoot a gun.
1. Newt has never been more popular than Hillary.
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Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 22:39:02 -0700
From: Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Olympics, American politics
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes quotes from Jay Leno
May be offensive to women, men, OJ Simpson, Robert Downey Jr., lawyers
Olympic Update
Shannon Miller won the gold medal on the balance beam. She suspended
herself upside down, did three flips and somehow rolled backward onto
her feet. Kind of reminds me of Robert Downey Jr. getting out of his
car.
These games have the most female athletes ever. I think this is
terrific. I can't tell you, as a guy, how refreshing it is to see women
on TV swimming, playing tennis and horseback riding, and not talking
about how FRESH they feel. (Leno)
Background checks of security guard Richard Jewell, suspected by the
media in the Centinnial Park bombing, reveal that he was once fired for
being "too enthusiastic" about his duties. Hey, it's the 90's. Being
excited about your job is a sign of emotional instability.
The Olympic Village actually has a gender testing center, where they
make sure athletes are the gender they claim to be. Why can't we get
one of those on Hollywood Boulevard? (Leno) Actually, if you really
want to find out if female athletes are really males - toss a TV remote
into the locker room and see who scrambles for it.
I saw on TV the other night that OJ Simpson was at the Olympics... if
that doesn't get the women track stars to run faster... (Leno)
Canada's Olympians had to sign a celibacy pact before the games. Going
without sex has taught them an important lesson. They've found out what
married life is all about.
In other news...
President Clinton said he will sign the welfare reform bill because
"the good outweighs the bad." Maybe he should make that his campaign
slogan.
A truck full of Calvin Klein jeans was hijacked on a California highway
and the company is offering $5,000 for information. The bandits have
been described as armed and extremely trendy.
A survey showed that only 6% of Americans refer to their homes as their
"castle", but 52% call it "the money pit", 28% call it "mortgageland"
and 14% call it "where my ex-wife lives".
The IRS has announced plans to derease its total staff by 5,000 people.
They insist it's not a layoff, it's a deduction.
Researchers have found the gene that controls hair growth in men. It
was difficult to locate - it was underneath the gene that makes men
spray paint their bald spot.
Jim Carrey's next movie, "Liar, Liar", is about a lawyer who must tell
the truth for 24 hours. And you thought the special effects in
"Independence Day" were amazing!
And finally, according to a new study, the "terrible twos" may have
more to do with parenting than with the age of a child. The study was
conducted by the University of No We've Never Had A Child Of Our Own.
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