Digest for Thursday, August 08, 1996
There are 21 messages totalling 871 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Humor: Sayings Part 3 of 4
- HEARD IT BEFORE
- Hoyt and Delbert
- Another Womans Insult
- AOL is back
- New AOL Acronym
- Interesting observation
- Politically Correct? [possibly offensive to females]
- Toy Trains
- Offensive to tramps
- Truth in advertising?
- Another Abused Women Joke. (off to women).
- Another Fred Astaire?
- Evolution in action (potentially offensive to the credulous)
- Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey---The Original
- The great foo bird
- Help! Fire!
- Bird joke
- Ventriloquist
- Elevator man
- Deep Thoughts, 2 of 3 or 4
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 06:57:23 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Sayings Part 3 of 4
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied,
"That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress."
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he
hasn't eaten in a while.
-- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball
opponent in the Olympics
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I
realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
"the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_
...and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me
would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him
yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his
heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes!
-- James Joyce, _Ulysses_
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language
will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good
name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine,
the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and
plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own
cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own
momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't
believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to
award."
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of
legs. -- E. Grebenik
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash
When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved.
I choose not to limit myself.
I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two
out of three in a pinch.
Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote `Trust Jesus', and
someone else wrote `But Cut the Cards'.
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Hey, Worf...I hooked Data up to a Modem...Wanna see?
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 14:29:44 GMT+0200
From: FIRES <BAR119@BARCSCOM.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: HEARD IT BEFORE <OFF. to BLONDES>
I recently dug-up this whole list of blonde jokes (I don't know where
I got it from) but for those who missed it here is a couple of good
ones.
PS : (If anyone of you want the whole list of blonde jokes *about 956
lines* mail me and I'll forward it to you)
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, are you sure it's mine?
Q: What do blondes and cowshit have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is
on ?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: And they both have a cockpit.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: What do you call four blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a blonde's
head ?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 09:09:00 EDT
From: Mike Bishop <SNOMCB@MVS.SAS.COM>
Subject: Hoyt and Delbert<may be off. to rednecks & GA law enforcement>
Taken from the morning radio show, John Boy and Bill, Big Show.
(without permission of course). Hoyt and Delbert are running
characters of the Big Show..
-------------------------------------------
Hoyt tells the story.....
"We was goin' down to Atlanta to watch the Olympics and we turned
off the highway cause Delbert says he knows a 'shortcut'. Goin' down
some back road, we come to this t-bone intersection. I do one of them
*rollin' stops*!, ya know. Well, I look in the mirror and see this
blue light a flashin'. This big ole' sweaty Georgia cop gets out and
comes up to the window and asks me, "What do ya think you doin' boy?"
I said that I slowed down and there was nothing coming. Well he pulls
out this big ole' stick and starts hittin me upside the head,
*BAM*BAM*BAM*BAM*...... he said, " you want I should stop or slow
down?" I said I see your point officer. He then walks around to the
passenger side of the car and reaches in and whacks Delbert in the
head, *BAM*.
Delbert says, "What did you do that for?" The cop says,
The cop says, "I was just makin' your wish come true."
Delbert, "Wish? What wish?"
Cop, "Well, I know ya'll will get about a half a mile down the road
and you'll turn to your buddy there and say, 'I wish he'd a
hit me with that stick!'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Bishop <SNOMCB@mvs.sas.com>
SAS Institute Inc.
Information Systems Consultant "I do not speak for SAS Institute."
Cary, NC (919)677-8000 ext.6001
FAX (919)677-4444
-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 06:18:56 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell, Sr. <charlest@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Another Woman's Insult
Although Dorothy Parker's most celebrated repostes were directed against
other women, she did not always spare the opposite sex. Once, after a dinner
party, Miss Parker was laughing at the antics of a wit who was something of
a clown. But her partner, an over-educated young snob was distainful. "I'm
afraid I cannot join in the merriment," he said. "I can't bear fools."
"That's queer," said Miss Parker. "Your mother could."
- - - - - - - -
She was a famous movie star, but but on Broadway she was not very
impressive. "What's the matter?" a mutual friend asked Dorothy Parker.
"Didn't she run the whole gamut of emotions?"
"Well," said Miss Parker, "she ran the gamut of emotions from A to B."
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 09:40:05 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> AOL is back <snide,scatological,mocks authority>
AOL Back Online
as told to Jim Mica
Well now, AOL was off-line for some 19 hours yesterday. The
President of the company put the best face on the situation by
saying that the hiatus showed subscribers just how important AOL
has become to them. I guess he has been taking some cues from
the Republicans in Congress who shut down the Federal Government
several times in the last year to make the point that the Federal
Government is one huge useless bloated bureaucracy. On second
thought, maybe not.
AOL has done so much for cyberspace and cybernauts that all of us
in the INTERNET community should send them our thanks. Not only
have they dumped millions of clueless newbies into the electronic
surf, but they have also provided us with many many millions of
floppy-disk shaped coasters! Why, my coffee cup is sitting on
one of these little beauties right now. Let's see, if I look
between the rings it still seems to say something about "insert
this disk in your disk drive." A good coaster and humorous --to
boot!
I suppose it's not too likely, but AOL may want to change its
name to ASOL: America SOMETIMES On Line. I wouldn't advise them
to do that. If they did wiseacres around the world would quickly
modify this to Americans Sh*t Outta Luck.
Gee, I hope this post won't cut down on my shipments of free
coasters. I want some of them new ones that are shaped like CDs,
they make good targets!
--30--
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 08:54:19 -0600
From: John West <jwwest@UALR.EDU>
Subject: New AOL Acronym
AOL = America Off Line
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 19:32:03 +0530
From: Sanjay Sahay <sanjay.sahay@BLR.SNI.DE>
Subject: Interesting observation
I got this from one of my friend.
--------------------
*
* A man is a person who, if a woman says,
* "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.
*
* A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
* "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.
*
* A man is a person who, if a woman says to him,
* "Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
* and he lets her and she get mad, says,
* "Now what are you mad about?".
*
* A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
* "Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
* and he lets her and she get mad, and he says,
* "Now what are mad about?" says
* "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
*
* -Katherine S. Beamer
*
;-)
sanjana
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 10:36:00 EDT
From: Musat, Bob <bob.musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Politically Correct? [possibly offensive to females]
i was out surfing, again, and ran across this on a page by
aperreat@saunix.sau.edu:
Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid
that you would offend the person standing near you?...NOT.
Well, if you are, then here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.
I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.
She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired
She is not: A Bleached Blond
She is: Peroxide Dependant
She is not: A babe or chick
She is: A Breasted American
She does not have: Major league hooters
She is: Pectorally Superior
She does not have: A Great Tan
She is: Pigmentally Enhanced
You do not want to: Score or pick her up
You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter
She is not: A perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior
She does not have: A great butt
She has: A Superior Posterior
If she does not want to get: Married or hitched
She does not want: Domestic Incarceration
She is not: Half naked
She is: Wardrobe Impaired
She does not have: A perfect body
She is: Anatomically Gifted
She is not: Drunk or tipsy
She is: Chemically Inconvenienced
She is not: Small or short
She is: Vertically Challenged
:)
be seeing you,
oxo
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 10:45:52 -0400
From: Dustin Borklund <TheCFC@GNN.COM>
Subject: Toy Trains <somewhat offensive language>
Toy Trains
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the
kitchen and
listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in
the living
room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you
sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the
last
stop.. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your
asses on
the train now, because we're leaving".
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We
don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for
two hours.
When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as
you use
proper language."
Two house later, the mother was still working in the kitchen
when her
son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains.
The train
stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are
disembarking the
train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We
thank you
for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant
one. For
those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage
under the
seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.
For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay,
please
see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 10:46:08 -0400
From: Dustin Borklund <TheCFC@GNN.COM>
Subject: Offensive to tramps
My first girlfriend was a real tramp. Her idea of playing hard
to get was wearing a bra with three hooks.
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 11:27:00 -0700
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <Seshadri.Narasimhan@ALLIEDSIGNAL.COM>
Subject: Truth in advertising?
Stolen from the WSJ 8/8/96 Section A : Business Bulletin : Briefs
Truth in advertising? One New York beggar bears a sign, "Raising $1
million for Wine Research"
heh, heh, heh
Seshadri.Narasimhan@alliedsignal.com
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 09:01:00 -
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Another Abused Women Joke. (off to women).
Forward to me from Fritz Owens.
----------
And O.J.'s contribution to family abuse? A new shelter called
Tempura House - it's for lightly battered women. <G>
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 12:17:17 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Another Fred Astaire? <adult themes>
A rich woman was giving a garden party with many wealthy guests in
attendance. While the party was going on, two gardeners were doing
yard work on the rear lawn. While one of the guests was watching him,
one of the gardeners suddenly jumped into the air and performed
numerous graceful swirling dance movements. The guest remarked to his
hostess, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $100 to dance
before my aerobics class!" When the hostess asked the head gardener
about making such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think
for $100 you could step on that rake again?" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 11:00:02 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Evolution in action (potentially offensive to the credulous)
[Thanks to virginia l rinkevich]
OK! More urban/network legends.
The Darwin awards:
These are nearly always granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed
upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the
human gene pool.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Hickory Daily Record, 12-21-92]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside
his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson
.38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[News of the Weird, 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News]
A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla.,
in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of
Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man
was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found
open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Unknown, 25 March 1993]
A Vapid Death: A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being
blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no
mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his
system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a
couple other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It
appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous
cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his
windows opened it wouldn't have been fatal but the man was shut up in his
near airtight bedroom. He was ``...a big man with a huge capacity for
creating [this deadly gas].'' Three of the rescue workers got sick and
one was hospitalized.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on
his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped
and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55,
was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said
Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair
moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak
accidents. No foul play is suspected."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as
he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was ``one of
the best and brightest'' members of the 200-man association.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995]
Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen
into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to
descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an
undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and
two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help
him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they
apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the
six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240
miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
[Times of London]
A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to
get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in
Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors' paging devices, the
thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his
clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the
hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a
maximum dosage of ten seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300
times the recommended maximum time the man was covered in blisters. Hours
later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton
General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious
because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called
the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke
into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is
going to be scarred for life."
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 13:11:58 CST
From: Weird Al Yankovic <iceman@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey---The Original
Since someone else has decided to post Deep Thoughts, I'm just sending
the rest of what I have, which was NOT posted in his/her (no flaming! :)
post, so let us have a moment of silence for the passing away of "Deep
Thoughts...by Jack Handey---The Original". Enjoy!
*******************************************************************
Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey---The Original
==========
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's
not.
==========
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
==========
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
==========
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
==========
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground,
and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
==========
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
==========
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.
For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."
Normally
you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again.
Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people
might actually think that.
==========
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got
scared.
==========
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me
a lot of money."
==========
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
==========
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming
underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join
them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar
like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is
good for parties.
==========
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's
a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
==========
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole
is reserved for skeletons."
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 15:06:10 -0400
From: Brian Ross <rossb@UTULSA.EDU>
Subject: The great foo bird
Legend tells of three American expeditioners on the hunt in the deepest,
darkest jungles of Africa. They were searching for the rarest of all birds
- the great foo bird. The riches and fame to be gained by the mere
possesion of such a creature had them chomping at the bits. But there was
an element of danger...
The local natives warned them that, should the bird's droppings happen to
hit them, they should in no way wipe it off - lest they die!
The three brave souls set out. They decided they could cover more ground if
they split up, so they did. The first hunter heard the strangest
high-pitched noise behind him. He turned around and looked up to behold the
great foo bird in all its glory. The bird's bowels let loose and hit the
man's arm. He grimaced and wiped it off - and immediately died. Another
hunter heard his screams and came running. As he came upon his partner he
couldn't help but hear the same high- pitched scream. As he looked up, he
too was hit. He remembered the natives warning too late, he had already
wiped off his arm and died. The third man, hearing the commotion, came
running. Seeing the killer guano on each man's arm he deducted what must
have happened. Just then the great foo bird decorated his arm. He started
to wipe it off but seeing his lost friends, he stopped. The pain was
unbearable but he managed to capture the bird anyway. Although he could
never wash his arm, he lived a life of riches and fame.
The moral of the story: When the foo shits, wear it!
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 16:14:38 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Help! Fire!
The farmer frantically called the volunteer fire department. "Come
quick," he said. "My place is on fire!"
"How do we get there?" the fire chief asked.
"Don't you have them red trucks anymore?" the farmer asked.
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 15:48:43 -0700
From: Chad Twedt <chadt@HONORS.UNR.EDU>
Subject: Bird joke <clean>
Why shouldn't you kiss a canary?
Because you'll get chirpees. It's a canarial disease that's untweetable.
__ _ _ ___ ___
/ ) /__/ /__/ / ) Chad Twedt http://www.honors.unr.edu/~chadt
(__/ / / / / /__/ Visit this page for a great collection of humor!
This sentence no verb.
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Date: Thu, 8 Aug 1996 20:53:17 -0400
From: Thomas E. Foster <tfoster@EN.COM>
Subject: Ventriloquist <Mildly suggestive>
A ventriloquist who retired from show business decided to try the rural
life, so he went to inspect a farm that was for sale. The farmer was
taking him around, and the ventriloquist, who loved practical jokes,
couldn't resist playing a little prank. As they walked through the
barnyard, a cow standing by the fence suddenly spoke - or seemed to. "Your
hands are awfully cold when you milk me in the morning," the cow said.
The farmer gave the cow a startled look. then a passing chicken
complained, "I wish you'd collect the eggs sooner." The farmer looked
stricken. The ventriloquist didn't say a word, and they continued walking
on. As they approached some sheep, the farmer said, "Don't believe
anything these sheep say. They're terrible liars."
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Date: Fri, 9 Aug 1996 00:59:46 -0400
From: Greg Pomykala <Pomski@AOL.COM>
Subject: Elevator man
The Elevator Man <Ultra Clean>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This 10 year old boy goes into this old office building and enters the old
"Manned" elevator. What floor please says the Elevator Man.
"Eight" says the boy.
When the elevator reaches the eight floor, the elevator man opens the door
and as the boy starts to leave, the elevator man says "Here you are son!"
The boys snaps "Don't call me son-You're not my Father!"
The cheerful guy pauses for a moment -then answers "Well, I brought you up
didn't I?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
I am looking for American slang (words & terms) and the definitions to send
to a Pen Pal of mine who is in Europe. I seem to be suffering from "Writer's
Block" and can't seem to think of any !! Please send me some that you can
think of
at Pomski@Aol.com. Here's the only one that I can think of; (it's where a am
right now!)
Up the creek without a paddle In trouble, having big problem.
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Date: Fri, 9 Aug 1996 01:02:37 -0700
From: Rosen <rosenall@PHILLY.INFI.NET>
Subject: Deep Thoughts, 2 of 3 or 4<not off.>
This is installment to of maybe 3 or 4 of Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy,
from Saturday Night Live. People have posted only a few of these in the
past. Enjoy 8*)
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
==========
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I
bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
==========
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus
and a clown killed my dad.
==========
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of
honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
==========
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
==========
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
it's just eggs hatching.
==========
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
==========
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk?
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to
sleep.
==========
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.
==========
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
==========
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
==========
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
==========
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off
the paint.
==========
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage
guy.
==========
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
==========
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
a magazine.
==========
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.
==========
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
==========
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it
on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
you.
==========
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
==========
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's
not.
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