Digest for Monday, September 02, 1996

There are 11 messages totalling 409 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Lesbian Carpenters (offensive)
  2. Drinking Problem Solver
  3. Introductions
  4. Doctors Fees [off. to drs.]
  5. Definitive Quotes: Love & Death (somewhat sexist)
  6. [susan@freenet.tlh.fl.us: Energizer Bunny]
  7. Harvard vs. Yale (vulgar)
  8. Surprise party!
  9. Pullet Surprises (part 2 of 2)
  10. Language trends of the future
  11. One Liners 


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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 00:50:18 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Lesbian Carpenters (offensive)

[Thanks to ginger rinkevich <glr@unlinfo2.unl.edu>]

Did you hear about the house the lesbians built? Not a stud in the joint,
and all tongue 'n' groove.


Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 19:56:21 +1000
From:    Stephen Webster <farside@MAILBOX.UQ.EDU.AU>
Subject: Drinking Problem Solver <Mildy offensive to alcoholics>

This one brings back memories of a mis-spent youth, early adulthood,
adulthood, and... hopefully middle and old ages!!!
=============================================================================
Drinking Problem Solver:

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually
pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of
your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as
many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the
owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not,
complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip
across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash
yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your
bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat
yourself to a lie-in.
___________________________________________/\______________________________
Steve Webster                             /  \    farside@mailbox.uq.edu.au
Staff Dev. Officer - Computer Training   /    \ farside@acslink.aone.net.au
Metway Bank Limited, Australia      ____/      \___ websters@ozemail.com.au
**      Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice...      **

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 13:31:46 GMT+200
From:    C T ODENDAAL - 0641272 <odendaac@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Introductions<the F word>

The bar was crowded and load over the Happy Hour period
when a man stood up and placed a lemon on the man closes
to the doors head.He told him to sit still and walked to the
door, turned around, pulled out a pistol and shot the lemon
cleanly off the mans head.As everybody was stunned by this
the man calmay introduced himself:  "Bond, James Bond."

Everybody was up in arms about this action.After about
45 minutes, everybody was drinking and joking again when
another man stood up,placed an apple on the same man's
head and walked to the door.At the door he turned around,
pulled out a bow and arrow and neatly split the apple in
two.He also introduced himself: "Hood, Robin Hood."

Again everybody was up in arms about this violant act.
About one hour later,everybody was drinking and shouting
again when a third man stood up and placed a peanut on
the same man's head.He walked out of the door and came
back with a brick.He trowed it at the peanut but unfortunately
hit the man full in the face.While the man tried to wipe the
blood off his face,the third man introduced himself:

      "Sorry, Fucking Sorry!"

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 04:58:11 PDT--100
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Doctors' Fees [off. to drs.]

            Cautionary Tales

The chief defect of Henry King
Was chewing little bits of string.
At last he swallowed some that tied
Itself in ugly knots inside.
Physicians of the utmost fame
Were called at once, but when they came
They answered, as they took their fees,
"There is no cure for this disease."

                           Hilaire Belloc

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 09:54:15 PST
From:    James J Larsen <ciao@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Definitive Quotes: Love & Death (somewhat sexist)

Definitive Quotations: Love & Death

LOVE:

-> The identity of the relativity of the reality of an infinitesimal
portion
of the absolute totality of the infinite being. -Georg Wilhelm Friedrich
Hegel
-> A temporary insanity curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce
-> A petit-bourgeois prejudice, a defect of capitalism. A psychopathic
occupation which wastes money and time. -Chinese Communist Publication
-> The delusion that one woman differs from another. -H.L. Mencken
-> What happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other. -Somerset
Maugham
-> An itching about the heart that you cannot scratch. -Gaelic saying
-> The greatest indoor sport. -Anon.
-> The last word of a telegram. -Anon.

FRIEND:

-> One who knows all about you and loves you just the same. -Elbert
Hubbard

BAFFONA:

-> Woman with not unpleasing mustache. -Hoare "Short Italian Dictionary"

BACHELOR:

-> The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after
the
hunt. -Thomas Lyness
-> A man who never makes the same mistake once. -Ed Wynn
-> A man who looks but does not leap. -McCardie

GENTLEMAN:

-> A man who wouldn't strike a woman with his hat on. -Evan Esar

CHASTE:

-> Very much in the running. -J. Bailey, H. and J.C. Furnas

DARLING:

-> The popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
opposite
sex whose name you cannot at the moment recall. -Oliver Herford

MARRIAGE:

-> A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the
nose of the gentleman. -Herbert Spencer
-> A souvenir of love. -Helen Rowland
-> The end of man. -Balzac
-> A feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner. -Charles
Caleb Colton
-> A friendship recognized by the police. -Robert Louis Stevenson
-> The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a
mistress,
and two slaves, making, in all, two. -Ambrose Bierce
-> A lottery, licensed by the state and supported by the clergy. -Anon.

SECOND MARRIAGE:

-> The triumph of hope over experience. -Samuel Johnson

DEATH:

-> Nature's way of telling you to slow down. -Anon.

WIDOW:

-> A woman with an angel for a husband. -Anon.

Credit: "Definitive Quotations" by John Ferguson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 08:34:21 -0700
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: [susan@freenet.tlh.fl.us: Energizer Bunny]

    ================= Begin forwarded message =================

    From: susan@freenet.tlh.fl.us (Susan Shaw)
    To: humor@b62968.STUDENT.CWRU.Edu (Multiple recipients of)
    Subject: Energizer Bunny
    Date: Mon, 02 Sep


    Q:  What does the Energizer Bunny do if you put his batteries in backwards?




    A: Instead of going, going, going, he comes, comes, comes!



    To subscribe to the humor list, check out <http://b62968.cwru.edu/>. Subscribe
    to "humor-sick" in a similar fashion, if you wish.





--
Mark Panitz
az483@lafn.org

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:18:08 -0400
From:    John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Harvard vs. Yale (vulgar)

[NOTE:  For those who are not aware, two of the oldest American
Universities that are long-standing rivals are Harvard and Yale.]

    At the Yale-Harvard football game, a Harvard man was horrified to see
a Yaley leaving the men's room without washing his hands.  "At Harvard,"
he said haughtily, "we learn to wash our hands after urinating."
    "At Yale," the other retorted, "we learn not to urinate on our hands."

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:41:23 -0400
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Surprise party! <adult themes>

A handsome man married an extremely ugly girl.  His friends just
couldn't believe it and one asked him why he married such an ugly woman.
 He explained, "I took her out on a date just as a joke.  I put my hand
in her blouse and she had nice breasts.  I slid my other hand down into
her panties.  Honestly, I don't know how to describe it.  Did you ever
have a horse eat oats out of your hand?"  Lyle's Joke Boutique.

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 14:54:15 -0700
From:    Cindy Fisher <fisher@SCRIPPS.EDU>
Subject: Pullet Surprises (part 2 of 2)

Here are the remainder of the Pullet Surprises from the Jack Smith column:

"If you want to catch his attention, try wearing a sexy T-shirt and blue
genes..."

"He was another Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde."

"I'm Susan.  I'm a 16-year old softmore..."

"I like everybody.  I don't have any enemas..."

"When two people are in love, they should share a lot of infection..."

"He is a sex thimble..."

"His throw had the distance but it just wasn't long enough..."

"In my spare time I like to read good writting by good writters..."

"The soldiers invaded the houses and took advantage of the unprotected females
by making the clean-polished floors dirty with the mud from their boots..."

"Ancient history records that the Ramons conquered the Geeks..."

"I would hate to kill him.  That would really ruin his life..."

"The best part of the cow is the pork chops..."

"He died because he was very ill..."

"My boyfriend is cute, nice and perverting..."

"A problem driver is unpredictable and erotic..."

"Suicide can really kill you..."

"Everyone is a human bean..."

"Although his poems are difficult to understand, I like them.  They're
unscrubbable..."

"It is too hot for the weather..."

"In Ibsen's 'Ghosts,' the son inherited a venereal disease because his father
was a flounder..."

"People still disagree about what started World War I.  I think it began with
the assassination of the Arch-Duck..."

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:43:10 -0500
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Language trends of the future

There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
future.

In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel.  All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving
only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..."  Meaning will be inferred from
facial expression.  Written French will stay exactly the same.

These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate
to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.

In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.

Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other
alphabets in the world.

The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards.  A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.

Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word.  Plus
a verb at the end, of course.

--
Check out my new "things to read" page, including lots of jokes and
stories: http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html
........................................................................
Ian Chai <chai@uiuc.edu>                 http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai

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Date:    Mon, 2 Sep 1996 17:52:12 -0700
From:    Michael J. Irvin (509/332-7013) <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: One Liners

     Peppier - The waiter at fancy restaurant who only grinds pepper.
     yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER
     Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if is didnt zigzag??
     Never let your willpower get the best of you.
     Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma.
     Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat.
     Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G???
     Heard on Alpha Centauri, 2361:  So you're from Earth!  Do you know ----?
     Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes.
     Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but not this one.
     Why put off 'til tomorrow what you'll never do anyway?
     f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng
     A witty saying proves nothing.  --  Voltaire
     Define the universe and give three examples.
     'I know' is just 'I Believe' with delusions of grandeur
     If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
     Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
     Life is like a simile.
     I bet the human brain is a kludge.  -- Marvin Minsky
     Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up
     I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
     The "c" in "rap" is silent.
     Black holes are where God divided by zero.
     All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
     Vote anarchist
     Don't ya just hate,it when there's not enough room to fin
     Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations.
     Murphy's rule of combat: Incoming fire has right of way.

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