Digest for Tuesday, September 03, 1996
There are 12 messages totalling 347 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Sexual, political (Off to Clintons)
- Shortest Poem? [Clean]
- psychiatric session
- Joke-clean:Hotline
- Law on the March
- Nun in an elevator
- Desert Island
- Top 10 list
- Nones?
- bird joke (rude, crude)
- Latinized Leinieksisms (fwd)
- Disney movie comparison (part 1 of 2)
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 09:20:46 +0200
From: Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Sexual, political (Off to Clintons)
Bill and Hillary apparantly enjoy sex twice weekly. For Bill it's Monday and
Wednesday and Hillary's Tuesday and Friday.
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 03:31:25 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <charlest@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Shortest Poem? [Clean]
This could possibly be the shortest "poem" in the English language:
Maid's Day Out
Thurs.
Hers.
by Bill Benet
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 19:25:41 PDT
From: Darren Chng <chngch@SINGNET.COM.SG>
Subject: psychiatric session
She lay back on the couch and began to tell the psychiatrist about what she'd
done the past few weeks.
"I bought a rabbit," she revealed, "and fed it to my husband every day for
dinner."
"What did he say?"
"Well....", she replied, surprised," he didn't say anything -- he just looked
at me with his sad pink eyes...."
(heh heh heh...)
Darren
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 17:44:00 PDT
From: RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-clean:Hotline
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive:
Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant:
Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities:
Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional:
We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we
can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic:
Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to
press
If you are a manic depressive:
It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 09:52:56 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
Everybody Needs Somebody.
In Your Case, a Drug Counsellor.
R&B star Wilson Picket had a special guest when he sang at a MO music
festival over the Labor Day weekend: a drug counsellor. Picket, who hit an
86-year-old man while driving drunk in 1992, violated the terms of his
probation when he tested positive for cocaine. A judge said that the midnight
mover could travel to the music festival despite the violation, as long has
be brought his drug counselor along.
Source: AP
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Actually, They Were Home Polishing Their Fertilizer Bombs
The mad militia bombers' answer to the million man march fizzled. A protest
in Washington D.C., featuring several militia groups, drew only about 100
people scattered on the mall near the Capitol. Organizer Joseph Corey told
the group, "I just got a call, and people are stuck in traffic."
Source: AP
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 10:39:00 -0700
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <Seshadri.Narasimhan@ALLIEDSIGNAL.COM>
Subject: Nun in an elevator <off. to nuns, off. language>
>From my good friend Mandar.
A nun and a man were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person
that she was she looked over at him, smiled and said: "T. G. I. F."
The man looked back at her and said: "S. H. I. T"
The nun was shocked. She turned to the man and said:
"There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Friday"
The man looked back at her and said:
"Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry
Honey It's Thursday"
heh, heh, heh
Seshadri.Narasimhan@alliedsignal.com
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 08:25:36 PDT
From: Douglas Mason <t3doug@T3WSCD.DOT.CA.GOV>
Subject: Desert Island
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One
day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a
ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of
the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a
long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How
long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? "He replies, "Ten
years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow,
that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it
been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there!"
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 10:32:39 -0500
From: Rowe, Thomas <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 list <not offensive>
The following was given to me by a colleague. Hope its not a repeat.
>Top ten signs you are additcted to the net:
>
> 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
> your e-mail on the way back to bed.
>
> 9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
> Navigator 1.1 or higher."
>
> 8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
>
> 7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
> you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>
> 6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ...
> and your child in the overhead compartment.
>
> 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
> for the free Internet access.
>
> 4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
>
> 3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
>
> 2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
>
> 1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
> You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial
> your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the
> modem. You succeed.
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 12:53:49 -0400
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: None's? <off. to nuns>
Two nuns were out for a walk when two rapists jumped out of the bushes
and attacked them. After a few moments, one nun cried out, "Lord,
forgive them, they know not what they do." The other nun said, "Well, I
don't know about yours, but this one..." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 10:51:34 -0600
From: Lawrence Fatteicher <FATTEICHER@SIAST.SK.CA>
Subject: bird joke (rude, crude)
Birds of the world are symbols for different things...
1: What bird represents USA?? The Eagle
2: What bird represents LOVE??? The Dove
3: What bird represents TRUE LOVE?? The Swallow
Pretty Bad....
Later...
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 16:14:56 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Latinized Leinieksisms (fwd)
Thanks to Ginger Rinkevich <glr@unlinfo2.unl.edu>, who writes:
This is how I learned my Latin from a old professor.....proverbs of wisdom......
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Si hostes visibilis, etiam tu.
Incoming fire has the right of way
Missiles invenientes semper potestatem viae habent
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire
Noli eminere, catapultas allicies
There is always a way
Putamus viam semper esse
The easy way is always mined
Via perfacilis laqueis semper plena
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo
Conare nullius momenti videri fortasse missilibus careant
Professionals are predictable, it is the amateurs who are dangerous
Peritissimos semper praevidere possumus, rudi autem periculosi sunt
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (a) when you are ready for
them, (b) when you are not ready for them
Duobus temporibus oppugnant hostes: cum parati estis, et cum imparati estis
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at
Collaboratio maximi momenti est, quia eis alterum scopum praebet
If you can't remember, the claymore is always pointed at you
Si id memini non potes, scutula dirumpens semper at te collineata est
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack
Negligentia hostium quam non coluistis primus impetus erit
A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Vulnus pectoris sugens ne properetis mos naturae dicendi est
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush
Si impetus bene it, in laqueum incessistis
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you
Numquam catapultas allice, iram omnium concitabis
Anything you can do can get you shot, including nothing
Ex quocumque facere poteris te sauciabit, nihilo comprehenso
Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out
Si hostibus difficile incedere facias tu quoque male extricabis
Never share a foxhole with one braver than yourself
Numquam fossam compartire cum viro tibi fortiore
If you are short of anything but the enemy you are in a combat zone
Si nihilo carueris nisi hostibus loco pugnae es
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy
Si locum inexpugnabilis facias, memento hostibus de hoc profiteri
Never forget your weapon is made by the lowest bidder
Numquam obliviscaris tua tela facta ab eis qui minima liciti sunt
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 17:05:24 -0700
From: Cindy Fisher <fisher@SCRIPPS.EDU>
Subject: Disney movie comparison (part 1 of 2)
>From a 1995 article by David Kronke in the Los Angeles Times:
BEAUTIES OF THE BEAST
Since the Disney animation renaissance began, critics and audiences have
been universally lauding the films' visuals, charm and progressive
stories...we took a closer look at the heroines and found some
interesting though (we're quite sure) coincidental parallels...There's
a shortage of moms in Disney-animationland, but the young women do tend
to marry well.
Films/heroines:
LM: The Little Mermaid (1989)/Ariel
BB: Beauty and the Beast (1991)/Belle
AL: Aladdin (1992)/Jasmine
PO: Pocahontas (1995)/Pocahontas
Physical type:
LM: High school cheerleader sort who looks fetching in a clamshell halter
top, although those fins are reason for pause. Skin miraculously
wrinkle-free despite time spent in water.
BB: Reminiscent of the pretty, smart girl in high school English whom
regular guys thought they might have a chance with.
AL: Dark beauty with exotic looks (well, by Disney standards, at least),
like the quiet foreign exchange student everyone had a crush on in
college but was afraid to ask out.
PO: Aerodynamically perfect. First Disney heroine/babe with eyes that
don't take up most of her head.
Attitudes toward marriage (beginning of film):
LM: Smitten with landlubber Prince Eric, despite father's exhortation
that folks with legs are "spineless, savage, finless fish-eaters!"
BB: Not interested in local handsome lout--"His little wife? No sir, not me!"
AL: Though father has decreed she must soon marry, she insists, "The law is
wrong!... I hate being forced into this. If I do marry, it will be for love."
PO: Uninterested in uniting, per her father's wishes, with the bravest
brave in the tribe. "Should I marry Kocoum? Is all my dreaming at an end?"
Parents:
LM: No mother; powerful King of the Sea father dotes on her; she's his
favorite of seven daughters.
BB: No mother; father a befuddled inventor who dotes on her.
AL: No mother; powerful *and* befuddled sultan father dotes on her.
PO: No mother; doting powerful father forbids romance with white "savage."
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