Special Digest #1 for Wednesday, September 04, 1996
There are 17 messages totalling 1025 lines in this issue.
Topics in this special issue:
- The nasty robber (suggestive)
- Gangs in cyberspace
- Another "Shortest Poem" [Clean]
- Language Inaction
- The Top 16 Signs Your Cat (not off.)
- Recipe for Banana Bread (contains sexual ingredients)
- Love, lust or marriage
- Humor: Programmers blessing
- Jokes: Lots of Elephant jokes from HAND <*poss* offiense*
- 4.0 GP average?
- Humor: Nine Types of Boyfriends
- Humor: Things you dont want your System Administrator to Say
- Everglades?
- Law on the March
- The boat and the old lady
- Good (?) Advice (Offensive to Parents)
- Special High Intensity Training
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Sep 1996 23:33:06 PST
From: Leonard Goldstein <lgoldstein@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The nasty robber (suggestive)
A robber broke in on a young woman and her elderly mother. "I'm
going to tie you up while I fill my bag with swag," he said, "and then
before I leave I'm going to have my way with both of you."
"Oh, please, sir," cried the young woman, "take anything you want,
and do what you will with me, but PLEASE spare my dear old mother."
"Now, dear," said the mother, "don't try to teach the man his trade."
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 03:44:10 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Gangs in cyberspace
Thanks to Virginia Rinkevich <gingrink@unlgrad1.unl.edu>
Ram raiders (1) - gangs who gain rapid entry to shops and warehouses by
reversing vehicles into their front entrances at high speed, then steal
whatever goods they can load up and drive off at high speed. Overt, splashy
and effective.
Ram raiders (2) - gangs who gain silent entry to offices at night-time,
steal RAM chips from computers and then make a furtive exit. Covert,
precise and effective. Requires more knowledge, ability and organisation
than (1)
Ram raiders (3) - gangs, known as 'corporations', who gain forced entry to
the global network of networks by using money as a crowbar, then redecorate
the place by spraying their tags in as many places as they can, grab
whatever territorial, financial and other advantage they can, and stay put.
Overt, splashy and effective. Requires more knowledge, ability and
organisation than (2).
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 05:35:00 PDT--100
From: Charles Tidwell <charlest@MAIL.LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Another "Shortest Poem" [Clean]
Here's another one, that's just as short...even shorter, if you include
the title...
Fleas
Adam had'em.
-George E. Daubert, III gdaubert@rapidnet.com
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 08:59:37 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Language Inaction
Local Linguistic Turbulence by Jim Mica
Long before Madison Avenue sent us Healthy Choices, chock-O-block
empty of Fat and other evils, there were light (AKA 'Lite') foods
on the market. And before there was Lite, there were meals that
were low in Calories. To say that something is low in Calories
doesn't sound very exciting. Consequently, low in Calories was
lingua-morphed into Low Calorie. This was, apparently, not yet
marketable enough because the next step was a further reduction
to Lo Cal. The capital letters eventually got lost, but the
sound of that second vowel in 'lo cal' continued to reflect it's
caloric heritage. Thus we had a phrase that looked like it was
locally connected, but really had originated in that exotic Mad
Ave locale.
In the late seventies one of our friends waitressed in the
Pittsburgh PA area. She worked for a beanery that was part of a
well known local chain of restaurants. Not being a native
herself, she was always fascinated by the patois used by her
patrons. The restaurant featured a 'lo cal' plate on the menu.
According to our friend, natives often requested this delicacy by
asking for "the local plate."
This lite story was brought to mind over the weekend when I went
to the Fireman's Field-Days in my own hometown. This is an
annual summer's end festival featuring rides, games of skill and
authentic ethnic treats. The booths are run by local volunteers
to support the high school marching band, high school wrestling,
local Boy Scouts, Little League Baseball and the like.
I stood in the middle of this festival last Saturday, eating an
elephant ear, people watching and noting the different booths.
One in particular caught my eye. It was being run by the local
Junior Chamber of Commerce or Jay Cees.
Now, my hometown is Johnson City, or JC, New York. The booth
that caught my eye had a sign saying "JC/ Jay Cees/ Food Booth".
And, under the Food Booth part: "benefits lo cal charities." I
was stunned! I had seen DARE mentioned as a recipient and the
neighborhood food pantry, but this was the first booth dedicated
to us chubby types. As I continued to speculate on just who
these lo cal charities might be, I had to conclude that I might
be reading the sign wrong. There was a space between the 'o' and
the 'c' in lo cal, but was it enough of a space? I finally
decided that one of the JC Jay Cees was playing with my mind a
bit and let the matter go. Still, it would be nice to imagine a
charity devoid of organizational flab.
***************************************************
Permission is granted to forward and reproduce the above for non-
commercial purposes as long as the title and author's name are
attached.
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 09:20:53 +0100
From: Jim Nimblett <Nimblett@ALPHA.OPTRON.INGR.COM>
Subject: The Top 16 Signs Your Cat (not off.)
The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You
16> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
15> Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
14> He actually *does* have your tongue.
13> You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind
the couch.
12> Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
11> You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas,
you get a faint whiff of catnip.
9> Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying,
"Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
7> Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts
with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil
dumped on your bed.
5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your
doorstep.
3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2> You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says:
"LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
... and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You ...
1> Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 09:35:45 -0400
From: Prasad Kashyap <pkashyap@RALEIGH.IBM.COM>
Subject: Recipe for Banana Bread (contains sexual ingredients)
Here's the recipe for Banana bread that TW.Chan <twchan@PC.JARING.MY> wanted
(to try ?)
RECIPE FOR BANANA BREAD
Ingredients:
2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana
Method:
1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing
Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils
and don't lick the bowl.
N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 06:51:00 PDT
From: Douglas Mason <t3doug@T3WSCD.DOT.CA.GOV>
Subject: Love, lust or marriage
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't
care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Gidday"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's
game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a shit
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old shit
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and
the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 10:25:21 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Programmers blessing
Programmers blessing......
"May the Source be with you."
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 07:28:04 -0700
From: Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: Jokes: Lots of Elephant jokes from HAND <*poss* offiense*
================= Begin forwarded message =================
From: smiles@vivid.net (HAND!)
To: smiles@vivid.net (Recipients - HAND)
Subject: Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh #0214
Date: Wed, 04 Sep
***** H.A.N.D. is generously sponsored by 1-800-SEND-123 **********
~~~~~~ 800-SEND-123 ..remember that's 800-SEND-One-Two-Three ~~~~~~~~
Call to have flowers, balloons, baskets and gifts delivered
anywhere in the US or Canada. Order by phone. Save 10% say HAND-1296
~~~~~~~ Ask for FREE color catalog (800)736-3123 ~~~~~~~~~
Your 'Have A Nice Day' Laugh is:
Lots and Lots of Elephant Jokes:
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
==
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
==
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
==
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
==
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
==
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
==
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
==
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
==
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
==
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
==
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
==
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
==
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
==
Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
==
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open
the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
==
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
==
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
==
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
==
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
==
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
==
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
==
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
==
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
==
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all
of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
==
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
==
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
==
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
==
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
==
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
==
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
==
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
==
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
==
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
==
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
==
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
==
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming
over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
==
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
tons of bananas,.....
==
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
==
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
==
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.
==
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
==
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.
==
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
==
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
==
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
==
Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
==
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
==
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
==
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
==
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
==
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team
==
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
==
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
==
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
HAND! Have A Nice Day!
from 1-800-SEND-123
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 12:02:08 -0400
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: 4.0 GP average? <adult themes>
I'm a graduate of the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. You ought to
see me when I'm wearing my monogrammed school sweater. Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Sep 1996 07:36:22 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Nine Types of Boyfriends
The 9 types of Boyfriends
=========================
1: Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2: Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt
3: Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4: Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big'n'Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5: Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
6: The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Goshdarn Son of a
bum
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7: Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love
like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8: The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.
I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
9: Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- "Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys" - P.J. O'Rourke
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Sep 1996 07:40:49 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Things you don't want your System Administrator to Say
>Sent From DaleG@aol.com Tue May 7 08:07:45 1996
==================================================
84 Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say:
1. Uh-oh...
2. Oh S***!
3. What the heck?!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)
5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this...
7. Hey!! The Suns don't do this.
8. Terminated?!?
9. What software license?
10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -r *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)
43. You did WHAT to the floppy???
44. Sorry, we deleted that package last week.
45. NO!!! Not THAT button!!!
46. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this thing running?"
47. YEEEHAA!!! What a CRASH!!!
48. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
49. What's this switch for anyways?
50. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does...
51. Say, what does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
52. If I know it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
53. Was that YOUR directory?
54. System coming down in 0 minutes...
55. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
56. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi
and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
57. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
58. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few
hours. (This said on a Monday afternoon.)
59. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip without
tripping the breaker.
60. What is all this I hear about static charges destroying computers?
61. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance
and I have it running now.
62. Ummm....Didn't you say you turned it off?
63. The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after dinner.
(Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline.)
64. Oops! Save your work, everyone! FAST!!!
65. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
66. I hate it when that happens.
67. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
68. You can do this patch with the system up...
69. What happens to a hard disk when you drop it?
70. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was
on THAT disk...
71. Hey, what does mkfs do?
72. Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
73. ...and if we just swap these two disk controllers like this...
74. don't do that, it'll crash the sys...DAMN!
75. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
76. Now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either...
77. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
78. I don't care what he says, I'm NOT having it on MY network.
79. We don't support that. We WON'T support that.
81. ...and after I patched the microcode...
82. You've got TECO. What more do you want?
83. We prefer not to change the root password, it's a nice easy one...
84. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- If there were no "C", we'd use PASAL, BASI, and OBOL!
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 12:54:52 -0400
From: Tejas Mehta <TejasMehta@AOL.COM>
Subject: Everglades?
Billy-Bob, a Calgary trucker, takes off for a quick holiday in
Florida before driving back to Regina for the Gray Cup. He's about to
jump in the surf, but, hey, he's in Florida, so he figures he'd better
check out the alligator situation.
"Nope, no gaters here." says a local.
Billy-Bob is way out in the water, when his brain kicks in again. "How
come there's no gators?" he yells back to the fella on the shore.
"They're afraid of the sharks," yells the local.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 14:35:22 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
Doing Well By Doing Good
A nun lost her job after collecting charitable donations for an imaginary
couple. Sister Michaelinda of Fall River, MA collected donations on behalf
of a couple named Ross. The problem was that the Rosses didn't exist. When
the story came out, the good sister lost her job as a parachial school
teacher. She sued the Samaritans, a charity who blew the whistle on her. But
the judge said she didn't have a prayer.
Source: Boston Globe
--------------------------------
Warning: Lawyer Shortage
An unacredited law school has lost its battle with the American Bar
Association. The Mass. School of Law doesn't require its students to take the
standard entrance exams and has an easygoing curriculum where many of the
tests are multiple-choice. Because the school has no ABA accreditation, its
graduates can't practice in most jurisdictions. It sued the ABA for operating
a "cartel," but a court dismissed the suit. Don't worry about a shortage of
lawyers in Massachusetts just yet, though. The state has seven accredited law
schools and admits about 4000 lawyers to the bar each year.
Source: Boston Globe
--------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 6 Sep 1996 04:36:26 +1000
From: Stephen Webster <farside@MAILBOX.UQ.EDU.AU>
Subject: The boat and the old lady <obvious sexual references>
Thank you to those who liked some of what I've posted and told me so (eve=
n
though I haven't written it), but even more thanks to those who haven't
liked what I've posted and suffered in silence 8^)
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D
Twin brothers were name Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the
proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It happened that John=92s wife died th=
e
same day Joe=92s boat sank.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking hi=
m
for John said, "Oh, I am so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must
really feel terrible".
Then Joe Spoke up, saying, " Well, I=92m not the least bit worried, she w=
as a
rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and
she smelled like a dead fish. Even the First time I got into her, she mad=
e
water faster than anything I had ever seen. She really had a bad crack in
the back and pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time=
I
used her and she leaked like anything.
But this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town,
looking for a good time, asked if I would rent her to them. I said she
wasn=92t that hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyhow, I
wanted them to get into her two at a time, one from the front and one fro=
m
the back, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. it was t=
oo
much for her, and she cracked right up the middle."
At this point the old lady fainted.
___________________________________________/\____________________________=
__
Steve Webster / \ farside@mailbox.uq.edu.=
au
Staff Dev. Officer - Computer Training / \ farside@acslink.aone.net.=
au
Metway Bank Limited, Australia ____/ \___ websters@ozemail.com.=
au
** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice... =
**
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 16:19:51 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Good (?) Advice (Offensive to Parents)
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I
can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful
fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night.
What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 17:01:05 -0400
From: Dave Howard <Dahowa@AOL.COM>
Subject: Special High Intensity Training <scatological language>
Many thanks to the many folks who sent me their versions on the humor posted
here. I have combined them into what I hope is the definitive version:
# # #
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Retirement and Training Policies
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we
have been forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under a new plan,
older employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who will represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement,will be placed into effect immediately. The
program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs
outside the company, and provided that they are being RAPED, they can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management. This will be known as SHAFT (Study of Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED
once, SCREWED twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled to
receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). As
HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES
will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are
well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). The
company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the area. If any
employee feels he, or she, does not receive enought S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your immediate supervisor. You supervisor is specially trained to
make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
Employees who don't voluntarily take S.H.I.T. will nonetheless be placed on
the S.H.I.T. list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation
Programs (D.E.E.P/.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P/.S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T/.S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have
to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If an employee is
unable to grasp the concepts of S.H.I.T., he or she will be put on the
Opportunities Halted probationary list. (O.H./S.H.I.T)
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
(B.U.L.L/.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L/.S.H.I.T. will get
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity
Programming (D.I.P/.S.H.I.T.).
There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us Giving
Hell (T.O.U.G.H/.S.H.I.T.) If you have further questions, please direct them
to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T/.S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the Department of Managerial Operational
Research Education (M.O.R.E/.S.H.I.T.). This course has its emphasis on how
to manage M.O.R.E/.S.H.I.T.
If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the S.H.I.T. that is
given to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as
Comprehensive Remedial Advisory Panel (C.R.A.P.) You too can be a member of
management. Simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can and you can look forward to
additional C.R.A.P. when you reach the top. Any employee who has the
initiative and drive to take both S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. can count on being
one of the elite.
Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance for you,
the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling Our Loyal
Employees (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.)
So work hard and you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take and the more
C.R.A.P. you can handle may qualify you as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. and, one day,
maybe even the Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P/.S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
Boss in General,
Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G./S.H.I.T.)
Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating
Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division.
(C.R.O.C.K.O.F/.S.H.I.T.)
------------------------------
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