Digest for Tuesday, October 01, 1996
There are 16 messages totalling 427 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Flight (off to Airlines)
- Humorous definition
- Cant Win! (off. to someone?)
- Penguin (adult theme - a bit sick)
- Joke-clean:which one?
- Joke-rated:good show
- Humor: Recommendations
- Law on the March
- Sick, but Funny
- Our daily chicken [off. to Catholics]
- How the Macarena Dance Got Started
- Couldnt swim?
- Whos Running Things Down There?
- Adult Humor - offensive to penguins
- bumper sticker
- Jesus proofs (potentially offensive to many)
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 08:39:18 +0200
From: Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: Flight (off to Airline's)
The TWA flight from New York to Paris takes off. A few minutes later
(after about 10 minutes). "Welcome aboard the TWA flight from New York
to Paris. You are flying the state-of-the-art craft, with fully
computerized systems. We are at present flying at an altitude of 35000
feet from the sea level, you may have a look at the monitor beside the
seat which will give you more details. If you look out of the window you
can see that we are right on top of the Atlantic Ocean. Passengers
sitting to the left of the craft, look out you'll find the wing is on
fire, and the turbine has already fallen into the ocean. Look out! in
the middle of the ocean you can see a small yellow raft with, persons
waving at you. Well they are your Pilot, Co-pilot and Stewardess. THIS
IS A RECORDED MESSAGE."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-=)Juggy(=- Technology can sometimes shake your confidence violently
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 06:45:41 -0400
From: George Hughes <hughie@CBUS.MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Humorous definition
"What does the word 'ubiguitous' mean? I've been seeing it everywhere
lately."
Found in Sunday's Laugh Parade
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 07:50:27 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Can't Win! (off. to someone?)
A Japanese company and a Hamilton Health Care Group had a boat race and
the Japanese team won by a kilometre. The Health Care Group hired
analysts to figure out what went wrong. The analysts reported that the
Japanese Team had one person managing and seven rowing, while the
Health Care Group had seven managing and only one rowing. The Health
Care Group immediately restructured its team. Now they had one senior
manager, six management consultants and one rower. In a rematch the
Japanese team won by two kilometres, so the Health Care Group fired the
rower.
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 07:59:47 -0400
From: Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Penguin (adult theme - a bit sick)
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He
waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the
nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to
check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain
but wondered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish
sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream
and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage
covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and
shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the
penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 17:48:00 PDT
From: RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-clean:which one?
Sitting Bull had 3 wives who were always quarreling about who should be
number one. One was pretty, one was clever, and one was very strong.
Finally,
tired of their squabbles he told his medicine man to resolve the issue. The
medicine man took the wives to his teepee where he had gathered pelts and
hides from all over the world. He told each wife to choose a hide and sit
on
it in front of the sacred campfire. The clever wife chose a pelt of thick
white fur, the strong wife chose a hide of orange and black stripes and the
pretty wife chose a hide of rubbery grey leather. The medicine man then
pointed to the pretty wife and said, "Behold chief, your number one wife."
The chief was pleased, but the other two wives demanded an explanation. The
medicine man said, "Even the ancient ones knew that the squaw on the
hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 17:45:00 PDT
From: RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-rated:good show
Jack is one horney guy and is not sure what to do about it.
> He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill.
> Jack walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on
> the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she
> can do for him. "I'm really horney but I only have $5. What
> can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over
> this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of
> you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the
> opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second
> and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and
> she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time
> of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had
> such a pleasurable experience.
>
> One week later, and horney again, Jack has saved up $10.
> Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and
> asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have
> special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a
> different room where there are several other people sitting
> on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam
> tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat
> on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds
> open revealing another room on the other side of a two way
> mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is
> very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is
> watching as they begin to make love to each other
> passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to
> each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his
> money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says,
> "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy
> turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw
> a guy fuck a chicken".
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 07:52:13 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Recommendations
>Sent From: "Steven A. Willoughby" <oracle@synapse.net>
========================================================
Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations
(Ways to handle those tricky situations! )
You're called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely
lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing
even a lazy friend.
Try this line: "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can
manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for
you."
This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a
professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.
Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers,
having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious
qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that can
be read two ways.
He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous
Recommendations. Or LIAR, for short.
LIAR may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal
qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing
the candidate to believe that it is high praise, Thornton explained
last week.
Some examples from LIAR
To describe a person who is totally inept: I most enthusiastically
recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.
To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers: I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague
of mine.
To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be
better left unfilled: I can assure you that no person would be better
for the job.
To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: I
would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment.
To describe a person with lackluster credentials: All in all, I cannot
say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too
highly.
Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving
friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a
time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of
recommendation.
In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the
letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer
if the contents are negative.
When the writer uses LIAR, however, whether perceived correctly or not
by the candidate, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof, Thornton
said.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Support your local Attorney, send your kid to Medical School.
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 09:16:17 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
I Said Penal, Not Penile
Inmates at the Plymouth County House of Corrections in MA may be murderers or
rapists, but when they offend prison employees, they've gone too far. The
prison has banned skin mags, because they offend female employees, says
sheriff Peter Foreman. The first amendment doesn't protect the inmates'
rights, he says: "I could be wrong, but I don't think the first Congress had
visions of inmates reading Hustler." One prisoner has already threatened to
sue for violation of civil rights.
Source: Boston Globe
---------------------------------
The Ku Klux Jihad?
When NC fought the Ku Klux Klan by passing a law that made it illegal to wear
a mask in public, they probably didn't imagine it would be enforced against
Muslim women. Two Muslim women were stopped and handcuffed by Charlotte
police for wearing traditional veils. The veils, part of the traditional
Islamic hijab dress, looked like masks to the cops. The women, who say the
police fondled them during the arrest, have filed a complaint for sexual
assault.
Source: Reuters
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 09:14:35 -0400
From: Brian Weston <westonb@ATHENA.SUNYOCC.EDU>
Subject: Sick, but Funny <offensive>
Hey everyone!! Be aware this joke is truly tasteless:
Q: What do you call an anorexic prostitute with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Email me for comments and chatter. I am also looking for any good golf
jokes...If anybody has any, email them to me by Thursday the 2nd at the
following address: westonb@athena.sunyocc.edu
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 10:17:11 EDT
From: Martha E. Frantz <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Our daily chicken [off. to Catholics]
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal
blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you.
If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will
donate $500 million dollars to the Church."
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word
of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the
Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily
bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'."
Again the Pope replies, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of
the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate
$5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
chicken...'," and he leaves.
Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he
has good news and bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."
"The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread account."
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 09:39:12 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: How the Macarena Dance Got Started
The owner of the Houston Astros base ball team wants the taxpayers to build
him a new stadium downtown because he says the Astrodome is obsolete and
not in a profitable location.
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------------*
Rick Marik writes:
We have a whole new generation that doesn't remember what it was like to
watch a game at the old Colt stadium -- every inning was a "seventh ining
stretch" warding off mosquitos. (I think that's where the Macarena dance
got started -- it sure looks the same.)
The only people who will benefit from a new downtown, open air stadium are
the people who sell mosquito repellent.
Source: Houston Chronicle
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 14:06:21 -0400
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Couldn't swim? <adult themes>
An elderly married couple went on their first ocean cruise. To her
dismay, the wife discovered she'd left her hearing aids at home. When
they came back to their cabin to turn in for the night, they discovered
it had a two level bunk bed. "Up or down?" the husband asked his wife.
To his astonishment she jumped on him and began making mad passionate
love. This happened every night of the cruise. When they finally got
back home and the wife put on her hearing aids, her husband asked, "What
made you so horny on the cruise? Every time I asked whether you wanted
the up or down bunk you were all over me." She blushed and said, "I
thought you said f**k or drown." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 15:55:05 -0400
From: John M. Scheer <jscheer@EROLS.COM>
Subject: Who's Running Things Down There?
Who's Running Things Down There?
I went to church the other day to free my soul from sin;
I was looking for the preacher, but the preacher wasn't in.
The sexton then assured me that there'd be no use in waiting,
"The preacher's gone away," he said, "to do some demonstrating."
I asked for the assistant -- the next in line would do.
"Sorry," said the sexton, "he's demonstrating, too."
"Well, what I want to know," I said, "and I'll make myself quite clear,
While they're off demonstrating, who's running things down here?
"Who's taking care of sinners? Who's leading us in prayer?
Who's feeding all the lost sheep that wander by right here?
Who's baptizing the babies? and, another thing," I said,
"Who's looking out for the sick folks and blessing all the dead?"
The sexton was a wise old man with a twinkle in his eye;
He looked at me and scratched his head, and this was his reply:
"Son, what I'm going to say to you might strike you kinda odd,
But since no one's here to help you, put your question up to God."
So I asked Him all these things last night when I bent my knee to prayer,
"O Lord," I prayed, "please tell me, who's running things down here?"
The Lord sent down an angel -- it was enough to make me sob --
When the angel said, "The devil, and he's doing a darn good job."
Author Unknown
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 18:01:19 -0400
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Adult Humor - offensive to penguins
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He
waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the
nearest garage, where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours
to check out the car. The penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't complain,
but wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section, and hung out near the ice cream
case. After an hour he got in the freezer by the vanilla ice cream,
and proceeded to eat several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to
the garage, covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his
hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."
# # # #
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 19:09:38 EDT
From: Richard V. Gilpin <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: bumper sticker
Seen on a dump truck today: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 1996 18:30:16 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Jesus proofs (potentially offensive to many)
From: Vic Stenger <vjs@uhheph.phys.hawaii.edu> via the SKEPTIC list:
>From the bowels of the internet (source unknown, do not give me credit):
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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