Digest for Thursday, October 03, 1996
There are 10 messages totalling 413 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Drink & Drive?
- Adult penis related humor - offensive to Priests
- Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs
- Risque Q&A Joke
- Humor: Vote for Bill Clinton
- Law on the March
- Bobbits prayer (generally offensive)
- Fridaynight at the cinema
- Lost and found?
- In the Closet
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 06:35:50 EDT
From: Gareth Clark <madcow@NATWEST.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Drink & Drive?
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a
cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door,
tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his
own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the
sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled
him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results
showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how
that was possible.
"Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy".
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 07:09:19 -0400
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Adult penis related humor - offensive to Priests
Q - Why does a dog lick himself? (No, not because he can....)
A - He can't make a fist.
Q - Why do men say women have no brains?
A - They have no penis to keep them in.
Q - How do you get a priest to get a nun pregnant?
A - Dress her like an alterboy.
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 08:51:30 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs
Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and
in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous
to the area they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of
straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay and creeper
vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were
finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to
live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon
shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas.
He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological
sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The
wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs,
little pigs, let me in!" The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics
hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture." But the wolf
wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he
huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs
ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the
house had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana
plantation. At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door
and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me in!" The pigs shouted
back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!" At this
the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs
ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where
the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo
resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fibreglass
reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops,
snorkelling and dolphin shows. At the house of bricks, the wolf again
banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote
letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting
angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore's
point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then
grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought
on from eating too many fatty foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that
justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the
wolf. Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered
together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This
new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine-guns
and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending
a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their
internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with
free education, universal health care and affordable housing for
everyone.
***Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No
***actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story.
******************************************************************************
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 09:06:51 -0400
From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject: Risque Q&A Joke
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip.
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 08:37:44 -0500
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Vote for Bill Clinton <off. to Clinton Fans>
>Sent From eastrlng@utdallas.edu Thu Oct 3 07:31:19 1996
=========================================================
Seventeen Reasons to vote for Bill Clinton
a joke by kls
1. He is educated. He went England as a resident honorary student, who
later went on to get an Honorary Degree. He wasn't there to dodge the
draft. Really.
2. He is scrupulous. He didn't have affairs while he was married. When
Hillary says she knew about the women on the side, she's lying. And all
those Arkansas Highway Patrolmen were lying. Really.
3. He is brave. Now that there is no chance of facing an enemy face to
face, it is easy to call out the ships to fire long range missiles into
technically and educationally backwards countries in a most courageous
manor.
4. He is not a fraud. When he and Al stuck Bill's Foreign-built
automobile in the mud, they didn't order the secret service out of the
way and then call in a reporter to video The President of The United
States pushing a car out of the mud by himself. It wasn't a setup photo
op. Really.
5. He is not a fraud. Those rocks he found in the middle of that
spotless Normandy beach just happened to be there so he could make a
cross out of them. It wasn't a setup photo op. Really. (and he never
would have tried to set that cross on fire)
6. He is not a fraud. Those images of him joking and laughing at the
funeral were faked. He really was mourning for the dead guy. The whole
time. Really
7. He did not commit a Felony in that WhiteWater thing. He didn't pull
strings and get away with any form of misappropriation. Nope. It never
happened. All those people who testified against him were liars.
8. He is truthful. He admitted he was too incompetent to smoke
marijuana. When Hillary's roommate in college said that Hillary and
Bubba and she smoked pot all the time, she was lying. Really.
9. He is truthful. He promised to get Gay Rights in The Military. Out
with the straits and in with the gays, and it really happened too.
Really.
10. He is truthful. Look at the Federal Income Tax Tables for the last
4 years and you will find that the numbers are all identical. He
promised to stop any raise of middle class taxes and he did so.
Really. Look for yourself. In fact, the taxes went down. Way down.
11. He is not a hypocrite. The guns that he banned were not the same
guns that he went duck hunting with the year before. All of those
photos were faked.
12. His Communist Health Care Plan is a good idea. Really. We SHOULD
give a personal identification health card to everyone (who passes a
physical) and each chile at birth (who is chosen not to be aborted) so
that none can give or have health care with out the number.
13. He has progressed science. With out all of those fetal tissue
bundles that were generated out of those clinics for women, a lot of
research would not have been done. It also saved the USA from an
abundance of what Clinton's Party calls "Needless and Unwanted"
children.
14. True to his word, he informed the Gay Community that there were
already laws in place about marrage, and any man & woman could get
married just like it has always been.
15. He's a patriot, and didn't attempt to strip our country of its First
Amendment rights. When he failed to VETO the alleged Decency Act of
1996, he knew it would be challenged as unconstitutional, and thus he
knew it would never be a threat. Really. It's good that Bill did that.
16. He is the World's Savior. When the UN didn't send unwanted troops
into Bosnia, Clinton gladly endangered hundreds of US Troops, forcing
them to put on UN Uniforms and get involved in a civil war that has
nothing to do with us. He is not an imperialist in any way shape or
form.
17. He is a good influence. When he got on TV and yet again said he
wished he had smoked pot and would do so if he had the chance, that was
all fake footage. It is a master-plan of defamation put out by the New
Republican Agenda. Really. All fake. Not a liar.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Clinton/Gore is to the presidency as
Beavis & Butthead are to television.
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 13:53:50 -0400
From: Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March
It also Makes a Very Nice Boat Anchor
The Lawrence, MA superintendent of school is accused of misusing state and
federal education funds by taking $400,000 earmarked for students and buying
hundreds of laptop computers for himself, the entire school committee, and
various officials who neither needed nor wanted them. "What am I supposed to
do with it?" said one janitor. "Use it as a doorstop?"
Source: Lawrence Eagle-Tribune
------------------------------------------------
Just Say No
Dayton, OH school officials suspended a eighth grader for borrowing two Midol
pills from a friend. Midol, an over-the-counter remedy for menstrual cramps,
similar to Tylenol, is not permitted by the school's drug policy, which does
not distinguish between legal and illegal drugs. Erica Taylor, 13, is an
honor student with perfect attendance. She borrowed the pills from a
classmate because she was feeling poorly but did not take them. Despite this,
she was suspended for 10 days. "I want to get back to school," she said. "I
don't want to fail the eighth grade." According to school spokeswoman Joy
Paolo, the suspension was justified. "We're real comfortable with our
policy," she said. "I believe the general public wants safe, drug-free
schools."
Source: AP
-----------------
Why Should a Multinational Corporation
Bother to Buy an Anti-Virus Program?
A woman denied disabling the computer system at Textron Corp.'s headquarters
with a virus that obliterated all the data the mutinational company stored
during a 15-hour span. Police say Denise Johnson unleased the virus after the
company broke its promise to make her a full-time employee. She is charged
with destruction of computer data, a felony.
Source: AP
-----------------
Exploding in Rapture
A middle-aged man and his bride were seriously injured
while having sex on their wedding night -- when his penile implant
exploded!
"It's going to take a lot of reconstructive surgery to put them
back together again," said Dr. Ralph DeLoska, the urologist who is
treating the Los Angeles couple, Mike and Paula Cartamin. "Their genitals
have
been severely damaged."
Dr. DeLoska said he had warned Cartamin to delay his wedding or at
least refrain from intercourse on his honeymoon because of the
deformed implant. But Cartamin disregarded the warning.
Cartamin, 47, had suffered a groin injury four years ago that left
him unable to perform sexually. He finally decided to have penile
implant surgery six months ago. The implant gradually became bent
because it was about an inch too long. Cartamin complained to the
surgeon who performed the surgery.
But the surgeon, whose name is being withheld pending legal action,
told Cartamin he could replace the implant -- for another $4,500.
Cartamin did not have the money.
Desperate, Cartamin consulted Dr. DeLoska. "I said, 'My God, man,
you've got to do something about the implant,'" says Dr. Deloska. "My
worst fear was that the implant would explode during intercourse."
Cartamin went ahead with his wedding but promised to abide by Dr.
DeLoska's warning to postpone having sex. "I meant to keep that
promise but I couldn't resist," says Cartamin.
Dr. DeLoska explains: "When Mr. Cartamin pressed the base of his
penis to send fluid through the implanted cylinders on both sides, it
caused fluid to build up at the joint where the metal cylinders curved
and the pressure exploded the implant. "You blow too much air into a
balloon and it will explode from the pressure. That, in effect, is
what happened to the implant."
Dr. DeLoska has called in a team of specialists to try to repair
the damage caused to the newlyweds. But the prognosis isn't good.
"We should have waited but we just couldn't," said injured wife Paula
Cartamin from her hospital bed. "Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, an
act of ecstasy. You surely don't expect to explode!"
Source: Jokester@Bridge.net (This article doesn't cite a reliable
journalistic source, and frankly, I don't believe it. Take it for what it's
worth.)
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 13:20:26 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Bobbit's prayer (generally offensive)
Thanks to Ginger Rinkevich <glr@unlinfo2.unl.edu>
From: Jaci Groves <jacig@unllib.unl.edu>
"Bobbitt's good-night prayer?"
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my penis I will keep
And if I wake and it is gone
I hope I find it on my lawn
I hope the dog that is running free
Does not find that little part of me.
Many precautions I must take
To keep this part I love to shake.
Much attention I must pay
To assure the knives are put away.
The mower, chainsaw, the hatchet, too,
There's no telling what she might do!
She would love to rid me of my manly charm
I must keep it safe, away from harm.
So I cross my fingers as I close my eyes,
And I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 22:34:25 +0100
From: Th. Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Fridaynight at the cinema <no off.>
Two fleas came out of the theatre after watching a good movie.
Says one of them: 'Shall we walk or do we take a dog ?'
The O
--------------------------------------------------
I like the undress you way so fast
--------------------------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 17:35:44 -0400
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Lost and found? <adult themes>
A man went to his doctor complaining he had lost all hearing in his
right ear. "Let me take a look," said the doctor. "Oh, I see the
problem. You have a suppository stuck into your ear!" The patient
asked if he could use the phone, called home and said, "Margaret, you
can stop looking for my hearing aid...I know where it is." Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 1996 19:23:08 -0500
From: Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: In the Closet <off to priests,the s word>
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the
woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the
closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't
it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position
he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but
complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when
she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in
the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to
the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.
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