Digest for Friday, November 01, 1996
There are 15 messages totalling 483 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The Growth
- Officer Fitness Reports
- the statue (adult)
- classic riddle
- Vincent Van Gogh (not off.)
- Sweet Revenge
- Proper Care of Disks
- CHAT: Request
- Halloween politics
- Every 4th November
- Froze my ass off
- Airplane ride
- Ohio (offensive to Congressmen)
- Apathy
- Email (contains word penis - sexually suggestive/inudendos)
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 10:09:41 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Growth <sick>
A guy goes to see a doctor and, after a thorough examination, the
doctor tells him: "There's is good news and bad news. The good news
is that your penis is growing and I expect it to grow 3 or 4 inches
within a few weeks". "Wow!", says the guy, "And what is the bad
news?" "It's malignant", replies the doctor.
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 17:19:04 +0900
From: Pat Gooley <gooley@TMIC.TIT.AC.KR>
Subject: Officer Fitness Reports
>Subject: Officer Fitness Reports
>
>The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used
>for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
>actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
>
>- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
>
>- I would not breed from this Officer.
>
>- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
> but more of a definitely won't-be.
>
>- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
> whichever foot was previously in there.
>
>- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
> satisfaction.
>
>- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
>
>- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
>
>- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
> at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
>
>- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
>
>- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
> he has aged considerably.
>
>- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
> port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
>
>- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
>
>- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
> them.
>
>- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
>
>- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
>
>- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
>
>- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
>
>- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
> trap
>
>- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
>
> Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
Pat Gooley
Tongmyong University of Information Technology (051) 629-7204
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:38:00 +0200
From: Lize Lubbe <LIZE@STRUIK.CO.ZA>
Subject: the statue (adult)
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all
over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths
for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 07:06:57 EST
From: Sean R Deardorff <slash5@JUNO.COM>
Subject: classic riddle
Here is a classic riddle, the answer to my last riddle is after this one,
and the answer to this one will be in my next post:
As I was walking to St. Ives, I met a man with 7 wives, 7 wives had 7
kids, the7 kids had 7 kits. In all how many were walking to St. Ives?
(I'm pretty sure I screwed up the rhyme, but the idea of the riddle came
through)
The man in the car had a convertible. BTW, I failed to add to the riddle
that the man was in the car when he was shot, so everyone who said he was
shot outside and got in the car, your answers could be correct for the
way I worded it.
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 07:11:22 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Vincent Van Gogh (not off.)
Vincent Van Gogh had a real large family. Here's a listing of
some of the lesser known ones...
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U.Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white - Hue Gogh
The sister who wore a mini skirt and liked to dance in bars...Go Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ......................Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ......................Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store .....Stop N Gogh
His dizzy aunt ..................................Verti Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois ...............Chica Gogh
His magician uncle................................Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ..................Amee Gogh
Another cousin who lived in Mexico ..............Grin Gogh
Nephew that drove a stage coach..................Wells Far Gogh
Uncle who was constipated....................... Cant Gogh
Aunt who was a good dancer..................... TanGogh
the half apeboy brother........Craig GoghRilla
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 18:04:00 EET
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: Sweet Revenge
Sweet Revenge (adult language, theme) This was forwarded to me, and is meant
to be a true story. True or not, it's certainly chilling.
----------
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget
about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. A
buddy of mine from my baseball team knows a guy that was at the wedding.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the bride's and groom's families for coming.
To thank everyone for coming and bearing gifts and everything, he said
he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to
everyone, and told them to open it.
Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having
sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and
hired a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched
people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said "F*** you", he turned to the bride and said "F*** you", and then said
"I'm out of here".
He got the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have
broken it off immediately after we found out about the
affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the
bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone
know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
====================
Top 10 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate (clean)
----------
1. Stare at the TV as if hypnotized as long as it is off, when your roommate
turns it on, act uninterested and read a book.
2. When your roommate is home, charge into the room, holding a broom as a
rifle, scream ' The Nazis have come for us!", dive over the couch, and
pretend to shoot about twenty of them, then put the broom away and go about
your normal routine (repeat every hour)
3. Refuse to get dressed in front of the TV, whisper to your roommate " You
never know what they're going to report next about me."
4. Quickly run up to your roommate, claim that it wasn't your fault, it was
an accident, cling to his leg sobbing until he forgives you.
5. Fill an air tank with normal oxygen, claim that you're into inhaling
helium, inhale some oxygen and then talk as deep as you can.
6. Rent or buy a fake sarcophagus, ask your roommate to 'wrap you up' every
night with toilet paper before sleeping in it.
7. March around the room like a drill sergeant, eyeing your roommate
sternly, smack a ruler in front of him, and order him to cut it out right
now. Threaten to court-martial him.
8. Carve pumpkins everyday, throw the seeds and innards in your roommate's
bed, tell him that they get sick easily and that his bed
was the closest thing around to vomit in.
9. Watch alot of "Rocky and Bullwinkle" , get obsessed with Rocky, draw
pictures of him, write letters in blood, and eventually dive out the window
of your room. Repeat every day.
10. Wear some sunglasses and thick gloves, pretending to be in Virtual
Reality, claim that this is the most boring game you've ever
played, point towards your roommate and say how fake he looks. I dare you
to defy this logic: If there was a perfect person, noone would like him/her
because they are envious, right? which makes the PERFECT person IMperfect,
right? Hey, I'm imperfect, so that makes ME a perfect person!
====================
A Letter to Dad and the Reply:
--------------
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
you.
Love, Your $on.
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it!
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:14:45 EST
From: Gareth Clark <madcow@NATWEST.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Proper Care of Disks
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of
the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes
should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic
metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the
surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed
with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure
application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster,
resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive.
"Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can
fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of
the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox
machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two
diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document;
the data will be recorded on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive
while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared
or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues
to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your
system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several
dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove
the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This
will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more
storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to
prevent loss of data.
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:38:32 -0500
From: Shauna Brunette <starla@SOONET.CA>
Subject: CHAT: Request
Hi, I was wondering if anyone knows the joke about the man who goes to
England and stays in a Hotel there. He brings his own soap and has a
problem with the staff leaving little bars of soap in his room, little notes
between staff and man ensue. If anyone has that joke can you please send it
to me, it my favorite joke and I lost my copy.
Shauna Brunette <Child and Youth Worker>
starla@soonet.ca
http://www.soonet.ca/starla/youth.html
http://www.soonet.ca/starla/beach/beach.html
http://www.soonet.ca/starla/scary/scary.html
http://www.soonet.ca/starla/xmas/xmas.html (coming soon)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Power corrupts; Absolute power.... coolies!!!
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 11:13:58 -0600
From: TC Mangan <mangan@BROKER.COM>
Subject: Halloween politics <clean>
This actually happened at my doorstep this Halloween:
I answered the door to a boy about 12 years old, dressed in suit and
tie, with his hair greyed out a bit. He held a pen in his right hand
and was wearing a "Vote for Dole" pin on his lapel. "Trick-or-treat,"
he said.
"Hello Mr. Dole," I said as I tossed some Snickers into his bag.
He nodded, looked into the bag, looked me in the eye, and with a
straight face said, "Bob Dole likes Snickers."
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 13:41:52 EST
From: Martha E. Frantz <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Every 4th November
It's election time again. This one's probably altered for the candidates'
names every four years...
________________________________
Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One.
Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill
out and make someone down below happy."
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I
would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."
Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he
pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1bills and throw them out to make
100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't
stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of
you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 16:28:49 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Froze my ass off <adult themes>
Three Alaskan pipeline construction workers were living in igloos. The
first one said it got so cold in his igloo, water poured from a glass
froze before it hit the ground. The second worker said the same thing
happened with a cup of hot coffee in his igloo. The third one said, "If
you guys want to see a really cold igloo come take a look at mine."
They walked into his igloo and saw a funny looking spot on his bed sheet
. He took a pair of scissors and cut it out of the bed sheet and
dropped it on a nearby space heater. After waiting for a few minutes
until it thawed out a loud fart was heard. Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 16:37:23 EST
From: Sean R Deardorff <slash5@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Airplane ride<offensive to blacks>
The pope, the president, the smartest black man in the world, and a boy
scout were all riding a plane when the pilot announced that they were
going to crash and they only had 3 parachutes aside from the ones for
himself and the stewardess. The 3 immediately stated their cases as to
why they should get a parachute. The pope stood up "I am the leader of
the largest religion in the world therefore I get a parachute!" and with
that the pope grabs a parachute and jumps, then the president gets up and
says "I am the leader of the most powerful nation in the world!" so the
president grabs a parachute and jumps, finally the smartest black man in
the world stands up and says "I am the smartest man in the world of my
minority!" So with that the boy scout is left by himself, he goes up to
the pilot laughing as hard as anyone has ever laughed before, and the
pilot inquires "How can you laugh in the face of certain death?" and the
boy scout replied "I'm not laughing at death, I'm laughing because the
smartest black man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my
backpack!"
The man on his way to St. Ives was the only one walking there, he just
met the others along the way, and seeing as how I completely slaughtered
that rhyme here is what I belive to be the real thing, thanX to a person
whos name I don't know but I will post when I get it:
As I was walking to St Ives, I met a man with 7 wives. Every wife had 7
hats, every hat had 7 cats, every cat had 7 kits. Kits, cats, hats, and
Wives, how many were going to St Ives?
=======================
Wanna speak your mind? Subscribe to "Eschew Obfuscation", soon to be
the best newsletter distributed via e-mail. The owners/moderators are
me(Sean) and Jason Geist. We really need people who are willing to post,
e-mail Jason at superguru@juno.com or me at slash5@juno.com.
Sean-slash5@juno.com
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 20:35:35 -0500
From: Robert V. Gerds <GERDS@XAVIER.XU.EDU>
Subject: Ohio (offensive to Congressmen)
If you look up Ohio in a fact book it is listed as the 17th state.
Technically it is the 48th state, because congress forgot to vote on the
resolution until 1953.
\|/
@-@
--------------------------------ooO---(_)---Ooo---------------------------------
Robert Gerds | Gerds@xavier.xu.edu | If a mute swears,
3800 Victory Pky#8341 | 310557@xavier.xu.edu | does his mother
Cincinnati, OH 45207 | Gerds@gnn.com | make him wash his
(513)985-8440 | http:\\xavier.xu.edu:8000\~gerds | hands with soap?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 21:45:30 EST
From: Bill <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Apathy
One good thing about apathy is you don't have to exert yourself to show
you're sincere about it.
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Date: Fri, 1 Nov 1996 23:38:34 -0600
From: Lawrence <n9tog@WWA.COM>
Subject: Email (contains word penis - sexually suggestive/inudendos)
REASONS WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:
1. Some folks have it, some dont. Those who have it would be devasted
if it were ever cut off. They think that those who dont have it are
somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
2. Those who dont hove it may agree that its an nifty toy, but think its
not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. Still, many of
those who dont have it would like to try it.
3. It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.
4. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people
still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks
today use it for fun most of the time.
5. Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do.
6. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take
this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes
its hard to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late.
7. If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
8. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too much, youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.
10. It youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in trouble.
11. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did
I do that?"
12. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it
will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
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