Digest for Saturday, November 02, 1996
There are 13 messages totalling 451 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Scottish Brew
- Political Joke
- Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
- The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
- Woody Woodpecker doesnt make it to the INTERNET
- 10 Reasons your girlfriend might leave you for a woman (Lesbian offensive)
- Dirty Humor (language, adult themes, off. to women)
- Stupid laws (part 2 of 2)
-
- Lost control!
-
-
- Mens Life Styles Through the Ages (may be offensive to some men)
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 10:20:17 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Scottish Brew
McAteer arrives at J.F.K. Airport and wanders about the terminal with tears
streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asks him if he was already
homesick.
"No,"says McAteer. "I've lost all my luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," replies the Scotsman
-----------------
i hav a feelink tahtt mi spelink cheker iz aktin ap...
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Date: Wed, 30 Oct 1996 16:02:56 -0500
From: Brian Weston <westonb@ATHENA.SUNYOCC.EDU>
Subject: Political Joke <clean>
Hey everyone!! I just thought this simple joke would be appropriate
seeing as though the elections are less than a week away. Clinton/Gore '96
Q: What is the difference between God and Bob Dole?
A: God doesn't think he's Bob Dole...
Oh, and by the way...thank you for all of the golf jokes that everyone
forwarded me. I am now looking for all top ten, seventeen, whatever
number of top Unumber~ lists. Forward them to westonb@athena.sunyocc.edu
See you all around...
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Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 11:40:53 -0500
From: gwen eckman <fool@UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any
caffine in about 6 hours.
2. You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your
head.
3. You think the cleaning lady is sining in tune.
4. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language
conform to such absolutely bizare rules of grammer but in a
strange way it actually begins to make sense.
5. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
6. You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours,
which isn't enough time to even begin running it.
7. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just
right" (and because further work on the program is futile).
8. You wonder when the invasion will begin.
9. You understand #8.
10. You write a list like this.
11. You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} U~ or other
meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers
force down upon us its represion man fight back!).
12. You dream in 3-D ray traced graphics.
13. You fail to understand what life would be like without caffine.
14. You have a gif of your signifigant other and see that more then them.
15. You become mesmerized by Xeyes (look they're following me).
16. You think some comments on this list are funny.
18. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just cuz.
19. You know how to get 2lg(lg(N)) in a guess my number game.
20. You know more programming commands than actual words.
21. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing
command.
(cdonohue@udel.edu)
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Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 13:39:03 -0500
From: Susie Cua <Susie_Cua@TSCORP.COM>
Subject: The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
U This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ~
U *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ~
U The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ~
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Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 16:48:59 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Woody Woodpecker doesn't make it to the INTERNET
OK, I can't speak for the veracity of this one! It's supposed to be
from Electrical(E?) Engineering(E?) Times, it's a report about another one of
those vexing little problems in cross-cultural product naming...
Ask Ted if you don't understand!
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 1996 16:20:43 -0500
From: Ted Caldwell <ted@cogentex.com>
Subject: UFwd: language~
Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the
Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser,
and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character
"Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually
planned on a world version of the product.
A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan
last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic
suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinately.
The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet
Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch
explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody"
and "pecker" meant in American slang.
-From EE Times, October 8, 1996
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 09:45:37 -0500
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: 10 Reasons your girlfriend might leave you for a woman (Lesbian offensive)
TOP TEN REASONS YOUR GIRLFRIEND MIGHT LEAVE YOU FOR A WOMAN
10. Doesn't whine about affirmative action taking away "your" promotions
9. Knows what the clitoris is
8. Even if she does sit around in a dirty tshirt watching television, she at
least knows how to wash it herself.
7. Knows where the clitoris is.
6. Doesn't think sexual harassment has been "blown way out of proportion"
5. She may not know how to fix a car, but, let's face it buddy, neither do you
4. Doesn't respond to "I want to talk about our relationship" with "Oh, Jesus
Christ, here we go again"
3. Willing to stop and ask for directions before seeing bleached bones lying
alongside the road
2. Two words: "sharing clothes"
1. Someday you're going to look like Bob Dole
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 17:51:00 EET
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: Dirty Humor (language, adult themes, off. to women)
The Creation of a Pussy
----------
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
using a knife he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher whose name was Mc Gee,
punched it and blessed it
and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT.
====================
A visiting golfer is driving his new Cadillac through backwoods country
and stops at a one-pump gas station. A hillbilly comes out to fill the tank
and starts looking inside of the car.
"What's that thing?" he asks, pointing to the stereo.
"It's a CD/cassette player with 12 speaker stereo sound," replies the
golfer.
"Whoa, this car's got everything!" says the hillbilly. "What's that thing?"
"That's the automatic cruise control, lets me set the speed and I don't
have to step on the gas pedal," says the golfer.
"Whoa, this car's got everything!" Pointing to some tees on the seat
the hillbilly inquires, "What'er those things for?"
"I put my balls on them to drive."
"Whoa, this car's got EVERYTHING!!!"
====================
A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell. The lady opens the
door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!" The lady says, "Well, aren't you
cute! What are you supposed to be?" The boy, miffed because he thought it
was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!" The lady, not realizing her gaffe, says,
"Well then, where are your buccaneers?" The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're
on my buckin' head!"
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it!
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 11:58:00 -0500
From: jon (j.) bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Stupid laws (part 2 of 2)
Nebraska:
1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp
during a church service.
New Mexico:
1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York:
1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law
specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street
and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a
crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced
to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes
outside for a stroll.
North Dakota:
1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or
restaurant.
Ohio:
1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Oklahoma:
1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at
a dog.
2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being
licensed by the state.
3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate
in groups of three or more on private property.
Pennsylvania:
1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and
dust under a rug in a dwelling.
2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.
Texas:
1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without
first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while
standing.
Vermont:
1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one
bath each week -- on Saturday night.
Washington:
1. All lollipops are banned.
2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with
criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the
chief of police as he is entering the town.
West Virginia:
1. No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild
onions."
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 14:27:23 -0500
From: Bill Robinson <BILL@TDR.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet What the Country is Talking About This Week... {Entertainment Weekly} November 8, 1996 1. {Dear God} The Post Office starts answering letters addressed to the Almighty. If they don't deliver His mail, what chance have we g
s and their area codes. As opposed to, say, breast size. 9. {Donald Trump} He bought the Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA beauty pagents. His daughter couldn't decide which one she wanted to win. 10. {Melissa Etheridge} She a
. Copyright 1996, Entertainment Weekly, Inc.
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 22:16:24 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Lost control! <adult themes>
A young boy had a penis so big his mother warned him not to have
anything to do with girls because he might kill one of them. Through
the grapevine, his teacher heard about his unusual size, kept him after
school and suggested they have sex. He was horrified and expressed
concern he might kill her. She scoffed at the idea, said she would be
on top of him and in control and nothing bad could possibly happen. He
reluctantly agreed but the teacher felt such wonderful sensations she
fainted from pure ecstasy. Thinking he had killed her, the boy ran from
the classroom sobbing and screaming, "I killed her, I killed her!" All
at once he stopped running and says, "Wait a minute, no way could I have
killed her. She was on top of me and in control and must have committed
suicide!" Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 14:27:23 -0500
From: Bill Robinson <BILL@TDR.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet What the Country is Talking About This Week... {Entertainment Weekly} November 8, 1996 1. {Dear God} The Post Office starts answering letters addressed to the Almighty. If they don't deliver His mail, what chance have we g
!
s and their area codes. As opposed to, say, breast size. 9. {Donald Trump} He bought the Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA beauty pagents. His daughter couldn't decide which one she wanted to win. 10. {Melissa Etheridge} She a
!
. Copyright 1996, Entertainment Weekly, Inc.
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Date: Sat, 2 Nov 1996 14:27:23 -0500
From: Bill Robinson <BILL@TDR.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet What the Country is Talking About This Week... {Entertainment Weekly} November 8, 1996 1. {Dear God} The Post Office starts answering letters addressed to the Almighty. If they don't deliver His mail, what chance have we g
!
!
s and their area codes. As opposed to, say, breast size. 9. {Donald Trump} He bought the Miss Universe, Miss USA, and Miss Teen USA beauty pagents. His daughter couldn't decide which one she wanted to win. 10. {Melissa Etheridge} She a
!
!
. Copyright 1996, Entertainment Weekly, Inc.
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Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 00:16:20 -0500
From: gwen eckman <fool@UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Men's Life Styles Through the Ages (may be offensive to some men)
Men's Lifestyle through the Ages
*********************************
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't bump into her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking his company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
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