Digest for Sunday, November 03, 1996
There are 9 messages totalling 383 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
- Its been a while (sexual theme)
- dangerous cars {clean}
- In The News - Politics, Halloween, OJ Simpson
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- The Weight Loss Plan (sexual theme)
- Guy Fawkes Day & The American Election
- The Golden Rule and political ads
- Twas the night of the party
- Let it all hang out!
.
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Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 13:00:59 GMT
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: It's been a while (sexual theme)
I had sex recently, but before that it was *ages* since I last had any. In
fact it was so long, that when I came, I called out *my* name.
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Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 09:34:03 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: dangerous cars {clean}
TWO LOCAL MEN INJURED IN FREAK ACCIDENT
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the
road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early
Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the
accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock,
are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.
The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a
frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck
headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse
on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol
fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.. Upon
inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and
the two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in
the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, leaving
the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the
other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or
we might have been dead" stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this
is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the
accident happened", said Deputy Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many
frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
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Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 13:36:11 -0800
From: Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Politics, Halloween, OJ Simpson
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
WARNING - May be offensive to former Winter Olympic ice skaters,
accused Summer Olympic bombers, Kato Kaelin, Mark Fuhrman, includes
sexual reference
President Clinton won a mock election held on the Nickelodeon cable
channel. Of course, Bob Dole won on the History Channel, and Ross Perot
won on Comedy Central.
Hillary Clinton celebrated her 49th birthday last weekend. The White
House had a big party for her. They played Pin-Whitewater-On-Hillary,
and even had a pinata filled with Indonesian cash.
Bob Dole is getting desperate. First he quits the Senate. Then he asks
Ross Perot to drop out. Now I hear he's trying to meet with Tonya
Harding.
Atlanta nonbomber Richard Jewell reportedly has been offered a movie
role. I'm guessing not for the remake of "Presumed Innocent".
The E! Channel is staging reenactments of the OJ Simpson civil trial
based on court transcripts. They have actors pretending to be lawyers
and OJ pretending to be innocent. OJ offered to play himself, but they
wanted someone more believable.
Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. The original
offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out a huge stack of
double coupons.
The new Stephen King features a lawyer and is titled "Thinner". It's
based on a Reader's Digest story, "I Am OJ's Wallet".
Speed demon Craig Breedlove crashed his jet powered car at 675 mph.
Engineers are calculating the upward trajectory of his insurance rates.
Pope John Paul II proclaimed his belief that God and science can
coexist. Of course they can. Who do you think got me through my
chemestry tests?
Researchers say men and women perceive pain differently. For example,
women feel pain during childbirth, while men feel pain during Monday
Night Football.
Informants say mob leaders want to oust John Gotti as head of the
Gambino family. Insiders claim it will take a lot to fill his shoes.
Yeah, like two bags of cement...
A clinic in Arizona is testing caffeine in IV drips for patients who
get headaches after surgery. The best part of waking up, is Folger's in
your arm. (Leno)
And finally, among this years most popular Halloween costumes:
The Dick Morris (go for the tricks, not the treats)
The Ross Perot (preshrunk, looked better in '92)
The JFK Jr. (sorry, no longer available)
The Jack Kevorkian (it's to die for)
The Shannon Lucid (looks good in the Mir)
The Joycelyn Elders (you'll need a hand to get it on)
The Heidi Fleiss (you'll need to call to reserve it)
The Kato Kaelin (rents for free)
The Mark Furhman (no lie, it's unbelievable)
The Johnnie Cochran (if it doesn't fit... well... you know)
The Jim Carrey (comes with Mask)
The Kramer (no nee dto ring the doorbell, just barge in)
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Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 16:49:01 -0500
From: Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hi, everyone, this is Jim, with the Traffic Report for the HUMOR list.
Every week, I send this out to the contributors on HUMOR, and once a
month (on the first Sunday) I send it to the entire list. In the past,
I have sent a lengthy email to the entire list, but beginning this
month, I will only give my comments (like this) the numbers, and a
quick joke.
If you are reading these words, enjoy the humor that you regularly
read on this list, and would like the privilege of being allowed to
post, you need to take a short test that verifies you understand the
rules of the list, and have some kind of understanding with the way our
listserver works. You can get this test, along with the rules of the
list and the listserver by sending an email to LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
with the command GET HUMOR GUIDE The command goes in the body of
the email. It's a computer, so you don't need to say "please" and
"thank you."
The guide, incidentally, is also on HUMOR's website. The main page
for the website is at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html
(for those of you who do not spell the way we crazy Americans do,
please note the spelling of the word "humor.") The guide is at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html. I would like to
announce a change that not very many people may have noticed because of
how simple it is, but every part of the website now has Java embedded
in it. I am currently in the process of teaching this scripting
language to myself, and I have changed the part of the pages with the
"Last Updated on" from something I did manually to something the
computer will do for me. If your browser doesn't support Java, nothing
will happen, and I have tried *very* hard to keep it from crashing your
computer. :)
And finally, if you have any questions or concerns, please feel free
to email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com (please note that this is a
change from last month, as mindspring bought out interramp, my previous
provider...), or visit my own home page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn...
I'll see y'all next month. (Hey. This is UGA, or the University of
Georgia, isn't it???)
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 27 October - 2 November
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
27 Sunday 7 11 8 7 4
28 Monday 13 18 11 14 13
29 Tuesday 16 22 8 14 12
30 Wednesday 17 14 14 13 14
31 Thursday 10 18 14 15 13
1 Friday 25 26 16 14 15
2 Saturday 9 8 9 8 13
Averages 13.9 16.7 11.4 12.1 12.0
Subscriptions 8 494 8 571 8 645 8 783 8 986
Countries 86 88 88 88 88
Contributors 814 822 829 828 827
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
And now a quick joke.
Subject: Remember 1996! <<references to American Politics>
The United States Postal Service is known for putting out
"Commemorative Stamps" every year, to help us remember certain
individuals and events in recent history. The U.S. Federal Reserve
Board is thinking of following suit, and their first set of
"Commemorative Treasury Bonds" will be dedicated to the Presidential
and Congressional campaigns of 1996.
The Gingrich Bond will have no maturity.
The Clinton Bond will have no principle.
The Dole Bond will have no future.
Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 00:12:00 EET
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: The Weight Loss Plan (sexual theme)
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in
an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet,
Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad
that read:
Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll
have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood
a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through
the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog,
he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go
into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to
find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
"How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the
somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card
number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have
me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed
out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick,
run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found
he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the
number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you
want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice
asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied,
"Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your
representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some
cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he
sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it!
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Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 16:22:00 -0600
From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Guy Fawkes' Day & The American Election
Guy Fawkes Day is on the same day as the American Election this year...
Since Guy Fawkes Day commemorates the gunpowder plot, where the Catholics
were accused of trying to blow up the Protestant British Parliament in
order to effect a change of government, I find that ironic that the
Americans are also doing something to change government on Guy Fawkes
Day 8-)
God bless,
Ian
........................................................................
Ian Chai <chai@uiuc.edu> http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 09:07:14 -0500
From: George Hughes <hughie@CBUS.MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: The Golden Rule and political ads
It's kinda ironic that the folks who claim to be the most concerned about
good character and Christian values are the same folks who are spending tons
money throwing mud at their political opponents. Whatever happened to the
Golden Rule? My guess is that these folks are more interested the the gold
they'll get if that get to rule.
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Date: Sun, 3 Nov 1996 23:47:30 EST
From: Sean R Deardorff <slash5@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Twas the night of the party<offensive to cops?>
Many thanks to Anne Strohm for the correct St. Ives rhyming.
Here is a nice little poem stated as well as I can remember it, but it is
still good:
(Parody of Twas the night before Christmas)
'Twas the night of the party, and all through the town;
Not a cop was stirring, not a pig around
We drank Seagrams 7 and smoked Panama Red
While visions of munchies danced in our heads;
When all of a sudden a knock at the door,
We all shouted "Pigs!" and fell to the floor.
And what to our red hazy eyes should appear
But a pound of Columbian and 2 kegs of beer.
The man at the door gave us a smile;
So we invited him in, to party a while;
He sat in the corner and started to roll;
So we toked up a pipe and sparked up a bowl;
And as he went off on that dark hazy night he said
"Merry Juana to all, and to all a good high!"
====
If you would like to become active in a newsletter where you can speak
your mind, subscribe to Eschew Obfusctaion, but we need people who will
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 00:39:05 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Let it all hang out! <off. to Polacks>
Stanley comes home from work feeling depressed. When Stella asks why
he's down in the dumps he says, "All day long its been nothing but
Pollock jokes." "Why don't you fight back?" she asks. "I can't because
they're true. Look at what a mess our house is. Look at yourself, your
dress is dirty and torn and you've got one of your breasts hanging out!"
"Oh, no!" she screams, "I'm afraid I left the baby on the bus again!"
Lyle's Joke Boutique
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