Digest for Monday, November 04, 1996
There are 18 messages totalling 511 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Joke Rated: "Library of American Slang" Section 11
- Dress Code
- Humor: The Kings Sore Foot
- Childish humour
- True Stories (1/2, clean)
- More Childish Humor
- Election well wishes
- GOP means... (offensive to Republicans)
- Blonde Joke-May be offensive to women
- Difference between US & British politics (Suggestive)
- Im glad Im a man
- Top 18 Signs Youve Hired the Wrong Clown (non-offensive)
- A final campaign shot
- Grab a breath of fresh air!
- Are You Hungry?
- An inpression (Offensive to the handicapped)
- Nuns - adult humor
- Third World War
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 03:24:31 EST
From: Gregory V Pomykala <pomski@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Joke Rated: "Library of American Slang" Section 11
"Library of American Slang" <quite mild to very vulgar>
Section 11 (not alphabetized - compiling still active)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make like...
..a cart and go
..A wagon train and head out
..a thief and steal away
..Al Gore in his backyard and get lost.
..a baby and head out
..a bad map and get lost
..a banana and split
..a bee and buzz off
..Ben Johnson and loose it
..the birds and flock off
..a boy and get lost (the Lost Boys - Peter Pan)
..a bread man and haul buns
..a breeze block and float
..a cause and get lost (lost cause)
..a check (or cheque) and got lost
..a chord and get lost (the Lost Chord)
..Christopher Columbus and shove off
..a computer programmer and shoot yourself in the foot
..a cow and mooo-ve
..a cow pie and hit the trail
..dandruff and flake off
..deodorant and roll on
..diarrhea and run
..a dirty shirt and take off
..a drum and beat it
..an egg and beat it
..an exorcist and get the spell out of here
..Fergie and split
..a GMC truck and blow
..a hairstyle and part
..a hockey stick and get the puck out of here
..a horse and hit the trail
..an ice cube and melt
..Imelda Marcos and buy a pair of shoes
..a junkie and blow this joint
..a key and get lost
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 13:12:40 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Dress Code <Adult theme>
Husband and wife in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband:
"Darling, take off my dress." The husband complies. "And now", she
says in a husky voice, "Take off my high heel shoes. That's nice.
Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good.
Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood.
And finally, take off my panties, will you? Thank you.
AND DON'T YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEAR ANY OF
THEM AGAIN!!"
--------------------
OK, my mother wears combat boots, but your father wears high heel
shoes!
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 08:23:45 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: The King's Sore Foot
The King's foot was becoming sore from booting the complaining peasants
out of the throne room. The royal carpenter finally came to the king's
rescue when he gave him a two-by-four.
"What's that?" the king asked.
"This, Your Majesty," explained the carpenter, "is the world's first
serf board !"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 12:50:13 +0100
From: Sean Sutton <sutton@SURNET.ES>
Subject: Childish humour <clean>
Q: If you've got $100 in one pocket, $74 in another pocket and $35 in your
back pocket, what have you got?
A: Someone else's trousers on.
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Two cows are in a field. One cow says "Moo." The other cow says "Baaa."
"What you say that for?" asks the first cow. "You're not a sheep."
"I know," says the second, "it's just that I'm practicing my foreign languages."
---------------------
Childish, I know, but I like them...
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 14:40:00 EET
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: True Stories (1/2, clean)
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river
near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of
low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of
dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to
fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured
skull.
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy
fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's
pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were
both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were
hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped
death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After
treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files.
The remaining wall then collapsed on him,
killing him.
Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in
his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand
threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it,
and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the
gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin,
presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched,
she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down
in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he
could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the
back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself
in the city prison.
In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy
Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof.
The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car
ran into him, rolling him into the
gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the
magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,
leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob
Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of
two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg,
and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)
If you love life and crave experience, why not share those of others who
would share them with you! To quote the proverbial bathroom wall:
"For a great time call:" _majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org_ In the subject
and body, type "subscribe nerdnosh" You'll love it!
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 10:53:44 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: More Childish Humor
The kids were watching the Saturday morning cartoons this past weekend. They
heard about a great new movie that's soon to come out.
The movie is called Babeheart.
It's about this cute little pig
who puts on a kilt
and drives out the British...
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 11:20:00 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Election well wishes
Messages to our US listers ON THE EVE OF their big election day:
STOP PICKING ON POLITICIANS - THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING!
Also don't worry about making the right choice - IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHOM YOU VOTE FOR, THE DAM GOVERNMENT ALWAYS GETS ELECTED ANYWAY.
Enjoy.
Wayne
Montreal
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 08:26:23 -0800
From: Michael J. Irvin (509/335-0437) <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: GOP means... (offensive to Republicans)
I have always found it interesting that the Republican Party is often
referred to as the GOP, yet most people couldn't tell you what that means.
And to make matters worse, the "Grand Old Party" does not really describe
them. So to lessen confusion, I have some come up with some possible
alternatives:
Garish October Promises
Gladly Overlooking Poverty
Greed Often Paramount
Gagging Ordinary Progressives
Gays Opinion? Puritanical!
Geezers Offering Platitudes
Ghastly Overfunded Pentagon
Grabbing Offers of Pork
GNP - Our Passion!
Government Oppressing Peons
Gutting Our Parks
Guaranteeing Our Pesticides/Pistols/Prayer/Petroleum (you choose)
Gloomy Obtuse Personalities
Going to Ouster Pagans
Guns Open to Public
Gleefully Opposing Pot
Genuflection Often Phony
Guilty of Prejudice
Growth Over Preservation
Grossly Overbearing Patriots
Generally Obnoxious Politicians
Gilding Our Pensions (theirs - not ours!)
Geritol Or Prunes?
Glaringly Obvious Phonies/Pilferers/Perjurers/Partisans(you choose)
by Steven Garrett
sgarrett@nwrain.com
Permission given for use as long as the author's name appears with the joke.
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 12:46:25 -0500
From: Joel Clappe <CLAPPE@ADMIN.CLIO.K12.MI.US>
Subject: Blonde Joke-May be offensive to women
Three women come into a bar and sit down. One is a brunette, one is a
redhead and the last one is a blonde. The bartender asks the brunette
what would she like; her response is a BL. The bartender asks her
what a BL is and she replies, "A Bud Lite - Duh!!!". He then asks the
redhead what she would like and she says she wants a PBR. The
exasperated bartender asks what the hell is a PBR. The redhead says,
"Pabst Blue Ribbon - DUH!!!!". The bartender turns to the blonde and
requests her drink order and tells her not to use letters. The blonde
says that she would like a 15. The bartender asks her what
is a 15? The blonde says, "A 7 and 7 - DUHHH!!!!".
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 12:59:04 -0500
From: Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Difference between US & British politics (Suggestive)
>From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
>Guy Fawkes Day is on the same day as the American Election this year...
>Since Guy Fawkes Day commemorates the gunpowder plot, where the Catholics
>were accused of trying to blow up the Protestant British Parliament in
This is one of the essential differences between American and British
politics. In the United States, members of the House get blown by
congressional pages and secretaries.
8-)
Robert
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 13:56:00 GMT
From: Andrew J Rawstron <Andrew.J.Rawstron@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: I'm glad I'm a man <off to women>
Verse 1
-------
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a
beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my
pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days Man, I'm glad I'm a man
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 13:30:22 -0500
From: Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Top 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown (non-offensive)
18.) By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my
finger" trick.
17.) Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
16.) Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
15.) References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year
olds.
14.) Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your
wide-screen TV.
13.) Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb"
trick.
12.) Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11.) Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into
other animal shapes.
10.) Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the
joint."
9.) Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
8.) Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
7.) More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his
pants.
6.) Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act
consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
5.) A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party
with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4.) Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
3.) Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen
King..."
2.) Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
...and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's
Party...
1.) All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 12:47:26 -0600
From: TC Mangan <mangan@BROKER.COM>
Subject: A final campaign shot <clean>
Here are some comments on Al Gore's legendary woodenness:
From commentators:
--Al Gore finally managed to distinguish himself from the wooden podium
behind which he was standing.
--If you use a strobe light, it actually looks like Al Gore is...
moving.
--How can you tell Al Gore in a room full of Secret Service Agents?
He's the stiff one.
From Al Gore himself:
--When I hear one of those comments, I usually have the same response...
Very funny, Tipper.
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 18:12:16 -0500
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Grab a breath of fresh air! <adult themes>
A handsome man and a beautiful girl met, fell in love, immediately got
married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride
went into the bathroom first to freshen up. Unfortunately, she had bad
breath so terrible she had to take drugs to control it. However, she
decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they
would be spending the rest of their lives together. She skipped taking
the drugs and returned to bed. Her husband then went into the bathroom
to freshen up. He also had a terrible problem with foot odor that
required special medication to control it. Like his wife, he decided
the time had come for her to learn about his problem so he returned to
bed without using the medication. He jumped into bed, grabbed his wife
and gave her a big kiss. She said, "I have something to tell you."
"That's OK," he said, "I already know what it is, you ate my socks."
Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 21:11:37 -0500
From: Susie Cua <Susie_Cua@TSCORP.COM>
Subject: Are You Hungry? <offensive Cannibal Jokes>
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"
That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin' Allen's.
What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A box of farmer's fannies.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
What is a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like.
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my
mother-in-law."
The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?"
The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."
A man gets captured by cannibals and everyday they poke him with spears and use
his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and
says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for
drinks."
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 22:05:26 -0500
From: Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: An inpression (Offensive to the handicapped)
Heard this from a co-worker.
Everyone loves impressions, so here's one you can do and you can teach it to
selected friends:
First, blink your left eye.
Next, blink your right eye.
Blink your left eye again.
Blink your right eye again.
Now blink both eyes three times.
Which Hollywood star have you just done an impression of? Christopher Reeve
doing the Macarena.
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Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 22:06:27 -0500
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Nuns - adult humor
Three elderly nuns were walking together . . one (using her hands) was
describing the grapefruit a friend had sent her from Florida. The second
nun, also using her hands, began describing a huge banana she had purchased.
The third nun, quite deaf said, "Speak up . . . Father who?"
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Date: Tue, 5 Nov 1996 12:12:26 +0800
From: Rene C. Bajarias <reneb@NTEP.TMG.NEC.CO.JP>
Subject: Third World War
Interested in testing a newly installed computer, an army officer
asked the machine to predict the probability of the Third World War
and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes." Annoyed at the lack
of detail, the officer queried, "Yes, *what*?" and a few seconds later
the machine tapped out the reply: "Yes, sir!"
----------------
Rene C. Bajarias
Systems Analyst/Programmer
EDP Section
NEC Technologies Philippines, Inc.
MEPZA, Lapu-lapu City
Cebu, Philippines
e-mail: reneb@ntep.tmg.nec.co.jp
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