Digest for Sunday, December 01, 1996
There are 10 messages totalling 440 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
- Workplace Humor
- Ill Show You Zipping
- lets go to town
- How to Write
- CLINTON JOKES#4
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- Another injury joke (not offensive)
- Universal theories
- Interesting town (repeated donkey references)
- "Brokenhearted No More"
.
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 08:50:07 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Workplace Humor <adult themes>
* I've worked for bosses both tuff & easy-going; sane & eccentric
(bosses are never "crazy"), but by far the oddest was one who
liked to hang mottos on the wall. One infamous sign posted read:
"I realize 'all work and no play' will make one a dull person;
however here, all play and no work will make one a street person."
* Did ya ever notice an interviewer making notes during the process ?
I saw one actually cross-out one of my answers on the application.
Where it said "Sex:" and I had answered, "I do OK". He had the gull
to cross my response and put down "crazy man".
* Walking by two secretaries one day, I actually heard one say:
"It's simply fantastic the amount of work you can get done, if
you don't do anything else all day."
* Anyone who's ever worked in an office is familiar with the endless
collections for this charity or that person. I heard one tired
& overworked secretary respond one day to a request for a donation
to the "Sexual Freedom League", that she gives enuff at home.
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 10:10:46 -0600
From: Joe Griggs <joe@IONET.NET>
Subject: I'll Show You Zipping
Here's another one about accidents that are hard to explain.
Source: The Caney Chronicle, Wed, Feb 24, 1988
------------------
Then there was the young couple who had a terrific
argument one morning before leaving for work. The wife couldn't
get her dress zipped up in back, so she backed up to her husband
and motioned to her zipper. I'll show you zipping he thought, and
brusquely whipped it up and down until it broke. He had to cut her
out of her favorite dress, which didn't make her any happier with
him.
They went their separate ways to work, both boiling mad.
The wife did a slow burn all day. When she got home that evening,
she walked through the garage and saw her husband under the car,
fixing something, with his legs sticking out.
She decided her moment for revenge had come.
She leaned over, grabbed his pants zipper, and whipped
it up and down. She then walked into the kitchen where she saw
her husband standing. Sheepishly, she asked him who was under
their car and was told it was a neighbor who had come over to help
work on the car.
The acutely embarrassed wife asked her husband to
help explain to the neighbor and they returned to the garage.
When they asked the neighbor to come out from under the car he
didn't respond. When they dragged him out, He was unconscious
and bleeding from slamming his head into the underside of the car
when he got *zipped* by surprise...
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 17:09:57 +0100
From: Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: let's go to town <adult>
This joke is for Sophia:
This farmer entered the townsquare; in one hand he carried the bible, in
his other hand a pack of condoms. He looked around as if he was lost. This
local stepped to him and said: 'Can I help you ? What are you looking for?'
'Well', the man replied, ' they said in town there are the real girls !
So I brought these condoms to really have a party !'
'Oke, but why did you bring a bible as well ?'
'if things are as good as they say, I'll maybe stay until sunday.'
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 15:02:00 -0500
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: How to Write <Clean>
HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Sally Bulford
(reprinted without permission from somewhere)
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 14:57:28 -0400
From: Jeffrey Reid Baker <jeffbaker@JRB-CD.COM>
Subject: CLINTON JOKES#4 <Offensive to Democrats,Liberals,&Liars>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=3Diso-8859-1
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 4 of 20)
---------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton was hoping that, by putting gays in the military, they
would be able to lick anybody.
<-------->
Bill Clinton has redefined dress-style for the military. =20
>From now on, zippers will be on the back of the pants.
<-------->
The Washington Fire Department recently honored Bill Clinton with a
special award :
"Fastest down the polls".
<-------->
Bill Clinton was walking around the capital late one night all alone
trying to figure out why his presidency was failing miserably.=20
As he stood in front of the Jefferson Memorial he asked "Tom, I need
help. What should I do?"=20
A distant voice whispered,=20
=93Go to the people.=93
=93Go to the people."=20
Later, he passed the Washington Memorial and said, "George, I need
help. What should I do?"=20
A distant voice whispered,=20
"Go to the people.=94=20
=93Go to the people."=20
Even further down the road, he came to the Lincoln Memorial and said,
Abe, I need help. What should I do?"=20
A distant voice whispered,=20
"Go to the Ford Theater.=94
=93Go to the Ford Theater."
<-------->
Bumper Sticker: =20
White House: New Home Of The Whopper!
=09
<-------->
This guy lives near the Democratic National Committee headquarters
building. Everyday on his way to the bus stop, he has to pass along the
tall walls of the DNC.=20
One morning, on his way to work, he hears voices behind the wall
chanting, "Seven votes! Seven! Seven votes!" The guy thought to himself,
"What are they doing in there?".=20
Later that afternoon on the way home, he again passed the DNC. Again he
heard the voices saying, "Seven votes! Seven! Seven votes!"=20
Thoroughly intrigued, he looked around the tall walls for somewhere to
peek in. He found a big boulder and climbed on top of it so as to look
over the wall when...
BAM!! A democratic pollster waiting just behind the other side of the
wall knocked him unconscious with a big baseball bat. After the guy=92s
limp body was slowly dragged into the building, the chanting resumed,
"Eight votes! Eight! Eight votes!"
<-------->
What did Janet Reno say to the BATF and FBI agents after the Waco
fiasco?=20
"Well Done!"
<-------->
Why does Leon Panetta secretly wish he were working with a computer
instead of Bill Clinton?
Cause a computer gives you the same damned answer every damned time.
<-------->
One snowy day, Slick Willy noticed outside the oval office window, that
someone had written "Clinton sucks!" by urinating in the snow.=20
Summoning his secret service men, he said "I don't care what else you do
today, but find out who did this."=20
The next morning, at breakfast, the agents notified Bill Clinton that it
was Al Gore's urine but Hillary's handwriting.
<-------->
Bumper Sticker: Hope ain=92t in Arkansas ... it=92s with Ken Starr.
------------------------------------------------------
--- The measure of a man's character ---
--- is what he would be if he knew ---
--- he would never be found out. ---
-------------------------------------------------------
Jokes excerpted from:
THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY
BILL CLINTON
JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK
(c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 19:26:38 -0500
From: Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hi, everyone! This is Jim, comin' at you with this week's Traffic Report.
The first Sunday of every month, I send the report to the entire HUMOR
list, as opposed to just the contributors.
Welcome to December.
In the past month I have gotten a couple of emails from subscribers who
are receiving unsolicited emails from someone who has apparently looked
into the email addresses of the subscribers of HUMOR. I told them that,
essentially, there is not much I can do to prevent someone from looking
through the lists of addresses -- other than wonder how much free time
someone might have by trying to track down more than nine thousand distinct
addresses -- and using it to solicit whatever they may be hawking.
There is, however, something you can do to prevent your address from
being found by someone who knows the addresses and commands for the
listserver: you can conceal your subscription. You will notice that the
numbers below indicate "both concealed and non-concealed" subscribers to
HUMOR. Concealed basically protects your email address from being
identified to someone trying to browse the listserver. If you feel that
you need this, all you need to do is send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the
command SET HUMOR CONCEAL. Like all commands to the listserver, it goes in
the body of the text of your email.
If you are reading these words now, and don't receive this Traffic Report
weekly, you are invited to become a contributor. You must pass a short
exam that is more of a test to make sure you understand the basic workings
of the listserver. You can get the guide to being a contributor, and the
exam by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE, or on
the World Wide Web at http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html
Have a great month, everyone! If you have any questions or concerns,
feel free to email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit the HUMOR website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html (please note the spelling
of HUMOR with a total of one U, for those of you who learned your spelling
rules by British, as opposed to American English...)
So here's this week's Traffic Report:
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 24 November - 30 November
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
24 Sunday 4 9 5 6 6
25 Monday 13 18 8 13 18
26 Tuesday 12 15 10 11 16
27 Wednesday 14 8 12 15 15
28 Thursday 13 19 10 18 13
29 Friday 15 13 15 13 7
30 Saturday 13 8 8 9 9
Averages 12.0 12.9 9.7 12.1 12.0
Subscriptions 8 986 9 157 9 242 9 043 9 182
Countries 88 88 88 88 88
Contributors 827 841 848 825 833
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil, Brunei
Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica,
Croatia, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador,
Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece,
Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran,
Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Korea, Kuwait,
Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Moldova,
Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland,
Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia,
Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri
Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uganda,
United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe
Total countries: 88
Email me if your country is not listed here.
And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: More than 31 Flavors? <adult themes, possibly offensive to women>
One day Herb was in the mood for ice cream, so he walked to the nearby
Baskin-Robbins and ordered a sundae. "And be sure to put a cherry on top,"
he instructed the waitress.
Fifteen minutes later the sundae arrived at his table. Pushing it away,
Herb complained, "Where's the cherry? I'm not eating this."
Lifting her skirt, the waitress picked up the dish and sat on it. "Will
this do?" she giggled.
"Well, okay," said Herb grudgingly, "but it better not have any stones in
it or I'm not paying."
-----
Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 19:48:50 -0500
From: John Holton <Johlt@AOL.COM>
Subject: Another injury joke (not offensive)
Heard on "Dave Allen At Large" a number of years ago:
A man had bumped his nose and was wearing a bandage on it when he went to his
local pub. All of his friends kept coming up and asking him what had
happened, and soon he became tired of answering their questions. Finally,
one of his friends asked and he said, "I BIT IT!"
"You BIT it?? How did you manage to do that?"
"I STOOD ON A CHAIR!"
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Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 09:09:05 GMT+0800
From: Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Universal theories
This was forwarded on to me by a friend
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you
>looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
> Poul Anderson
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>Man shall not join what God has torn asunder
> Wolfgang Pauli
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>Science is a differential equation. Religion is a boundary condition.
> Alan Turing
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff nature
>replaces it with.
> Tennessee Williams
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>Anticipatory plagiarism occurs when someone steals your original idea and
>publishes it a hundred years before you were born
> Robert Merton
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>Like the ski resort full of girls hunting for husbands and
>husbands hunting for girls the situation is not as symmetrical
>as it might seem
> Alan Mackay
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.
>Shun him.
>He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child.
>Teach him.
>He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.
>Wake him.
>He who knows and knows that he knows is a wise man.
>Follow him.
> Arab Proverb
>(He who knows knots and knows that he knows knots is a mathematician.
>Worship him. :-)
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>
Mike R>
Mike Robertshaw @:-) MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK
Tel.: (852) 27686802 Fax: (852) 27891170
Open Learning Institute of Hong Kong, 30 Good Shepherd St, Kowloon, Hong Kong
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Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 20:44:59 -0500
From: Eric Russell Malarney <malarney@UMICH.EDU>
Subject: Interesting town (repeated donkey references)
My grandma was cleaning out her house a couple of months ago and she found
this on an ancient piece of paper, so it is very hard for me to read and
it may or may not make sense at times.
"An Essay on Donkeys"
Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man, and a
very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they don't
believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep
horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass. Some
have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice, others have
extraordinary asses. The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice, but
his wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that she
has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop her
on the way to the market to pat her ass. On Sunday they all go to church
on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and somtimes the
boys ride the girls asses. Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had
to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought he better have it
handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window. During the service a
fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass. The preacher jumped out
of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a big hole and
he fell inot it --- Which goes to show that even a preacher doesn't know
his ass from a hole in the ground.
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Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 01:42:39 -0500
From: VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: "Brokenhearted No More" <Scatalogical>
Wade Nelson ask me to send this to Humor :
Brokenhearted No More
The folks from Guiness all concurred
That here I sat the world's biggest turd
We did not flush it down the drain
But left it here to ease the pain
Of the man so broken-hearted
Who sat here too but only farted.
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