Digest for Monday, December 02, 1996
There are 19 messages totalling 658 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Did Ya Ever Wonder...
- Ill never be a pin-up
- Food for thought... (not off.)
- Twins, twins, twins, ...
- Lawyer Jokes - Part 1/13 (off to Lawyers? naaawww)
- Now generation
- Bimbo-Blonde Jokes
-
- Psychology humor...(offensive to democrats)...
- CLINTON JOKES#5
- Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe
- Engineering - may be offensive to engineers
- Murphys 20 Laws of Combat
- It Wasnt Fair! (Adult)
- Adult language, Offensive to religious people
- A couple mild ones from my wife
- Star Wars vs. Star Trek
- vetanarian joke
- my new stereo
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 08:52:49 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Did Ya Ever Wonder...
Did ya ever wonder...
* If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
* What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
* Why people who know the least know it the loudest?
* If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
* Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* If the cops arrest a mime, does he have the right to be noisy?
* How a fool and his money got together in the first place ?
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 13:45:24 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: I'll never be a pin-up <sigh>
Last week, I received an anonymous fax and I thought of sharing
it with you, as it is perhaps worth a couple of giggles. The joke is
on me, anyway.
The letterhead, nicely done, but without address, states:
PLAYGIRL
THE INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE FOR WOMEN
And this is the text:
Dear Maurizio,
We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid pictures which
you sent recently. We regret, however, that we will not be able to
use you as "Playgirl's Man of the Month" centerfold.
When rated by our panel of Average American Women (AAW),
on a scale from 1 to 10, your body was rated a minus 2.
A minus 2 on the AAW scale indicates that you would only be
attractive to an unmarried or widowed female, age 60 to 75, who
had not been involved with sex for at least seven years.
To further confirm this finding, we submitted your photographs
to a panel of women in the age bracket of 25 to 35.
Unfortunately, we were unable to stop them from laughing
long enough to take a significant measure of their reaction.
Please be assured that, should the taste of American women ever
alter so drastically that bodies of your stature are in demand, you
will be notified. Meanwhile, don't call us, we'll call you.
Sincerely,
(Illegible signature)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 07:59:43 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Food for thought... (not off.)
A Summary of the World Facts
If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100
people.......with all existing human ratios remaining the same, it would
look like this:
There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere
(North and South) and 8 Africans.
51 would be female; 49 male
70 would be nonwhite; 30 white.
70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian.
50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people, and
all 6 would be citizens of the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing.
70 unable to read.
50 would suffer from malnutrition.
1 would be near death, 1 would be near birth
Only 1 would have a college education.
No one would own a computer !!
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 08:00:33 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Twins, twins, twins, ...
Do you know about the couple that had 3 pairs of twins?
The first they called : Peter and Repeater
The second they called: Max and Climax
and ...
the third they called : Stop and Fullstop
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 08:02:00 -0600
From: Bakken, Brian <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 1/13 (off to Lawyers? naaawww)
Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for
research?
A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the
researchers don't get as attached to them.
One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the
test results to human beings.
------------------------
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
------------------------
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
------------------------
One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the
prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
------------------------
Q:How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A:His lips are moving.
------------------------
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
------------------------
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Billy, you be first," she said. "What does you mother do all
day?"
Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?"
Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and
demanded an explanation.
Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
-----------------------
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the
accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in,
third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
-----------------------
A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was
asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a
living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.
"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my
pocket."
"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have
more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 00:07:00 +0900
From: MG HALL QWK0163 <QWK01634@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject: Now generation <clean and very cute>
This is my first pending. I hope that you enjoy them.
Here are a few jokes that you must read,
My four year old frandson had just gotten a new pair of camp shorts,
complete with many zippered pockets and a swivel loop intended for a
jacknife. "Do you know what that loop is for?" I asked him.
"Sure I do," he replied. "That's for my beeper."
@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@
When I heard the sound of the ice-cream wagon's beel and saw my front
door wide open, I suspected that my 2 1/2 year-old son had run outside.
As I caught up with him, I saw that he was clutching something in his
hand. It was my credit card.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 16:12:46 +0000
From: Barny Shergold <bash@IM.SE>
Subject: Bimbo-Blonde Jokes <may be offensive to blondes / some are UK or
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a rottweiler?
A. Lipgloss.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a gorilla?
A. White stilletos
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A. One is fat, ugly, has a moustache and smells of fish and the other
is a walrus.
(In UK a slang term for the police is the FUZZ)
Q. Why did the blonde drive down the motorway at 100mph?
A. She liked being picked up by the fuzz.
Two blonde prostitutes are talking:
BLONDE 1: Ere Gloria, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
BLONDE 2: Nah, but I been swung round by the tits a few times.
And finally...
Q. What happens to a blonde's arsehole after sex?
A. He gets sent out to get burgers.
This is my first post so be gentle!
Barny Shergold
Industri-Matematik
Phone.: +44 181 7072108
Mobile: +44 402 600911
E-Mail: bash@im.se
Thought for the day:
Dictatorship (n): a form of government under which everything
which is not prohibited is compulsory.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 09:52:53 +0000
From: Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: <off. to fat girls>
Q: How do you get a fat girl into a lift?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a bar of chocolate.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 11:33:24 -0400
From: James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Psychology humor...(offensive to democrats)...
A story forwarded from a anonymous poster (seen several years ago):
The other day in my Introductory Psychology course the class was
discussing Frued and his Theory of Consciousness. In Freud's theory,
there are basically three divisions of human awareness. The id is
instinct and desire for pleasure, the superego is conscience and
morality, and the ego is kind of like the self, or the part of an
individual which "blends" the id and the superego. The instructor
asked the class what kind of person would be characterized as having
an overdeveloped id, and someone correctly answered "a criminal, or a
child." Then she asked what kind of person might have an overdeveloped
superego. I said without thinking, "a Democrat?"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 12:02:57 -0400
From: Jeffrey Reid Baker <jeffbaker@JRB-CD.COM>
Subject: CLINTON JOKES#5 <Offensive to Democrats,Liberals,&Liars>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 5 of 20)
---------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a Clinton appointee and a Hoover vacuum
cleaner?
Where you put the dirtbag.
<-------->
What were Vincent Foster's last words?
"Bill, how am I ever going to keep all this stuff a secret?"
<-------->
Bill Clinton was asked upon his return to Washington from Arkansas if he
was tired from the long drive.
"Nope", he said, "Hillary did all the driving. All I did was steer."
<-------->
Stop being so critical of Bill Clinton! He's doing the work of 3 men.
Moe, Larry, and Curly!
<-------->
Slick Willy says he wants all of us to be upstanding citizens.
I guess he's going to take our furniture too!
<-------->
During a renaissance weekend, Slick Willy and Al Gore were co-captains
of the same tug-of-war team.
They were the 1st and 2nd jerks.
<-------->
Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator. Hillary
grabs the stop button and pulls it out, stranding the pair between
floors.
She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor and says "Rush,
make me feel like a woman!"
Rush strips off his clothes, throws them to the floor, and says "OK.
Fold those."
<-------->
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
Lip gloss.
<-------->
What is it a female goose can do, a female duck can't do, and Hillary
should do?
Stick her bill up her ass.
<-------->
What does Hillary use for birth control?
Her personality!
------------------------------------------------------
--- The measure of a man's character ---
--- is what he would be if he knew ---
--- he would never be found out. ---
-------------------------------------------------------
Jokes excerpted from:
THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY
BILL CLINTON
JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK
(c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 18:03:17 +0100
From: Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams
Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for
those people who can't remember where they leave things.
Unknown
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others.
John Andrew Holmes
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to
experience it.
Max Frisch
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people
very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build
bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce
bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
Christopher Morley
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that it has never tried to contact us.
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 15:24:48 -0500
From: MaryAnn Aquilino - IFS-QA <marya@RASTER.KODAK.COM>
Subject: Engineering - may be offensive to engineers
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point
pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 15:15:32 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Murphy's 20 Laws of Combat
MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
-----------------------
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able
to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 16:24:20 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It Wasn't Fair! (Adult)
Two dogs were watching an X-rated porno video. When it came to the real steamy
part, one dog said to the other:"Well, how do you like that! When we do it,
they throw water on us!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 18:56:23 -0500
From: Tejas Mehta <TejasMehta@AOL.COM>
Subject: Adult language, Offensive to religious people
*****Thanks Raja.*****
There were three priests at a railroad station who had to go to Pittsburg for
a
conference -- they varied in age, one was old and experienced, one was middle
aged and thought he knew more than he did, and one was a young greenhorn.
They hadn't yet bought their tickets, so the youngest one was delegated for
the job. He went up to the counter whre a young, voluptuous blonde was
working.
"Excuse me, Miss," said the young priest, his eyes fixed on the girl."Could I
please have three tickets for Titsburg?"
Immediately, the young priest realized with horror what he had said and
retreated to where his colleagues were standing. He confessed what had
happened, and the oldest priest delegated their middle-aged confrere to
request the tickets. The
middle aged priest went up to the ticket counter, where the young,
extraordinarily curvaceous and voluptuous blonde was still waiting to serve
customers. He peered down, with a certain amount of anxious curiosity, the
young woman's firmly outlined breasts and cleared his throat officiously.
"Excuse me, Miss," he said in his best pulpit voice. "May I have three
tickets to Pittsburg and also some nipples and dimes for the vending
machine?"
Realizing his mistake almost as quickly as his younger colleague, he
retreated from the counter in shame and confessed what had happened to the
older priest. The older priest listened with a sense of superiority and
finally determined to complete the mission himself. He approached the ticket
counter with enormous aplomb. The young woman, her low, alluring cleavage
plainly in view but which the priest disdained to look at, glanced up
innocently at him.
"Excuse me, Miss," he said calmly. "I would like to purchase three tickets
to Pittsburg and procure some nickles and dimes for the vending machines. And
may I say, young lady," he added in solemn tones, "that if you do not correct
your behavior and manner of dress, when your time comes -- as it must for all
living flesh -- and you rise to heaven and are awaiting judgement at the
Gates of Heaven -- St. Finger is going to point his Peter at you."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 20:42:18 -0600
From: D. B. Christian <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: A couple mild ones from my wife
My wife works for a company that manages a lot of information, and they
relie heavily on their copier. This afternoon, when it stopped for the
third time in ten minutes with a major blockage, my wife turned to her
boss and said, "Jammit, jammit, jammit!"
Then, later this evening, I read to her this account from the daily
newspaper, the Grand Forks Herald:
Baboon Revenge
More than 30 angry baboons killed a man out of revenge in the Totot
District of southeastern Uganda, according to a report from the _New
Vision_ newspaper. A local council official said that the human victim,
Okecho, killed a male baboon for damaging his maize and babna
platations. More than 30 other baboons converged at Okecho's compound
and "mourned like human beings" before carrying their fallen comrad [sic]
into the forest. neighbors said that the animals later returned and
stromed the farmer's house, knocking down the door. A _New Vision_
reporter reaching the scene saw Okecho lying in a pool of blood with a
large hole in his chest where the heart had been pulled out.
After I finished reading this, she looked at me and deadpannedly
proclaimed, "We best not be pissin' off baboons."
David Christian, MA (aka Bjorn)
Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian
UofNoDak Grand Forks ND
If God hadn't wanted me to be uptight...why would there be coffee and
graduate school?
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 19:37:30 -0800
From: K-A <miette@AMUG.ORG>
Subject: Star Wars vs. Star Trek
[author unknown]
>> TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS
>> WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
>> --------------------------------------------
>>
>>10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
>>
>>9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and
>> a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the
>> same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
>>
>>8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
>> Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian
>> starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
>>
>>7) One word: Lightsabers.
>>
>>6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
>>
>>5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
>>
>>4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
>> encounters.
>>
>>3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
>>
>>2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named
>> "Slave I".
>>
>>1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
>> impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.
>>
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 14:26:02 -1000
From: Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: vetanarian joke
The local veterinarian went to a farm in a small town in Texas to inseminate
a cow,
when he got to the shed the lady of the farm was waiting for him and said
"Here is a bucket of warm water, soap and a towel and I have put a 4" nail
in the wall for you"
The vet looked somewhat puzzled and said "I thank you for the water soap
and towel, but what is the nail for?
The lady answered "Oh, that's for hanging your trousers on"!
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 07:51:21 +0100
From: Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: my new stereo <adult>
This couple had a boring marriage.
'He, why did you buy a car stereo ??? You don't even own a car.'
'Shut up, yesterday you bought a bra, didn't you ??'
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index