Digest for Tuesday, December 03, 1996
There are 15 messages totalling 617 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- francophone humor
- Have you ever heard of DOOM?
- PJs (Part 1)
- The Model
- francophone pun
- Ill bet you 50 dollars
- Lawyer Jokes - Part 2/13 (off to Lawyers? you never know!)
- In the army now
- Lawyer Jokes (correction)
- Im sick! (really tacky).
- CLINTON JOKES#6
- Alzheimers joke----offensive to Alzheimers sufferers---
- The New Catholic (Religious)
- Racing Donkey (may be offensive to religious types)
- Christmas Poem (not offensive)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 01:45:34 EST
From: Robert D. Loach <rdloach@JUNO.COM>
Subject: francophone humor <possibly offensive to non-French-speakers>
Q: Quelle est la difference entre une chemise et la Tour Eiffel?
A: Une chemise est sale au col et la Tour Eiffel est colossal.
(For those who don't speak French, here goes--but I warn you that puns
don't translate.
Q: What is the difference between a shirt and the Eiffel Tower?
A: A shirt is dirty around the collar and the Eiffel Tower is huge.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rob Loach in Greenville SC =^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
rdloach@juno.com
"Car un enfant nous est ne, un fils nous est donne, et la domination
reposera sur son epaule; on l'appellera Admirable Conseiller, Dieu
puissant, Pere eternel, Prince de la paix." Esaie 9:5
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 12:15:55 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Have you ever heard of DOOM?
You Play Too Much DOOM, When...
*You attempt to change lanes on the freeway by strafing left.
*You try to pull out your BFG9000 after someone cuts you
off on your way to work...
*You keep trying to pick things up by walking over them..
*You eat the blue and green balls off the christmas tree
*You feel lousy and look down for the status bar
*You grab your kid's backpack and can't believe its empty!?
*Your desk at work is piled with paper because you refuse get too
close to the recycle barrel.
*The only way your wife can get your attention is to throw tomatoes at you.
*Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key.
*Your desk is wearing away right in front of the arrow keys!
*You know for sure you've played to much when you try to look
around the edges of your screen for the cyberdemon that got away.
*You back-up your DOOM files daily.
*You try to double click on every door in the house.
*You use the alarm clock to tell you when to GO to bed.
*Your seat cushion doesn't return to normal upright position.
*You dress up as your favourite DOOM character for Halloween
(and your friends still know who you are).
*You will try to turn to get out of chair by moving the trackball in that
direction before you stand up.
*You won't go into rooms with a red carpet .....
*You expect every door to open up not in. (this can be quite painful
sometimes)
*You throw open the door to your house, jump backwards, and shoot
your mailman.
*When on your way to work you scan the streets for medkits and ammo.
*Going to sleep you open the bedroom's door and instead of turning
lights on, you fire a missile into the room.
*Going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly
to see what follows you out.
*You don't worry so much about getting hurt, since you'll probably
pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere.
*Watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch.
*You start side-stepping into rooms.
*You push on walls, as you walk down the hall looking for secret entrances.
*You reach for your chainsaw when your wife's cold gives her the sniffles.
*You instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work.
*You look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator.
*You can't stop squinting as you walk around your house.
*You think you can actually walk through walls.
*The border and status area are burned into your monitor.
*You know ALL the ID codes by heart.
*You find jokes about playing too much DOOM funny.
(Apologies for the length of this posting. Am I forgiven, Mr Randall,
sir?)
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 10:43:24 +0100
From: Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: PJ's (Part 1)
Did you hear PJ's! A "PJ" is defined as P+iJ (an imaginary number).
where P is the "pathetic part" which is real in nature,
and J is the "joke part" which is imaginary!!
After reading these jokes you would be able to distinguish between a PJ
and a good joke. Next time you hear such stuff you'd know what to call
them (PJ's of course).
Have fun!!
----------
John : I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle.
Peter : You will look silly riding a cow.
John : I will look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom : I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Jim : That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Tom : But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Jim : That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train .
to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The telephone buzzed and Mother called John to answer it...
Mother : John, who's calling?
John : The holes are too small Mother, I can't see.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : John, did your sister help you with your homework?
John : No, Miss. She did it all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and one is blue with red spots!
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game
went into extra time.
--
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 10:31:31 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Model <adult humor>
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his
home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought
would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings
and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not
to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He
added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home;
he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I
can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too.
They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and
enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some
familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God !!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife ! Quick !!! Take
all your clothes off."
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 06:27:00 EST
From: Robert D. Loach <rdloach@JUNO.COM>
Subject: francophone pun <possibly offensive to non-French-speakers>
For the many French-speakers of our list, followed by a translation into
English:
Q: Quelle est la difference entre une chemise et la Tour Eiffel?
A: Une chemise est sale au col et la Tour Eiffel est colossale.
(For those who don't speak French, here goes--but I warn you that puns
don't translate.
Q: What is the difference between a shirt and the Eiffel Tower?
A: A shirt is dirty around the collar and the Eiffel Tower is huge.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rob Loach in Greenville SC =^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
rdloach@juno.com
"Car un enfant nous est ne, un fils nous est donne, et la domination
reposera sur son epaule; on l'appellera Admirable Conseiller, Dieu
puissant, Pere eternel, Prince de la paix." Esaie 9:5
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 21:51:00 +0900
From: MG <QWK01634@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject: I'll bet you 50 dollars
SUBJECT: I'll bet you 50 dollars
Bill sat at The Local Bar, bragging about his athletic prowess.
None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up, "I'll bet
you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block
and you can't wheel it back."
Bill looked over the skinny stranger and decided it wasn't much of
a challenge. "I'll" take you on," he said.
The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took
it to the corner. "Now let's see what you're made of," taunted Bill.
"Okay," said the challenger. "Get in."
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 08:00:00 -0600
From: Bakken, Brian <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 2/13 (off to Lawyers? you never know!)
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
"How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for
twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another
lawyer hanging on to the bumper."
------------------------
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance backed up suddenly.
------------------------
"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John.
"They're all lawyers."
------------------------
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for
an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone
was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is
still going around passing out business cards."
-----------------------
A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I
address the jury, I'll plead for clemency."
"Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own lawyer."
-----------------------
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart
and half as expensive every 18 months.
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 09:08:50 -0500
From: paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: In the army now <adult, off. to army personnel>
Thanks to my friend Mark for this....
Gerry joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump
from an aeroplane.
The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and
the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a
dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at
a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the
father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last
man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to
jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17
stone.
He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir.
I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his
penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy,
either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your arse.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 10:07:21 -0500
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes (correction)
Brian Bakken <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM> wrote:
> Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for
> research?
> A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the
> researchers don't get as attached to them.
He forgot the third reason: there are some things that a rat just won't DO.
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 07:53:00 PST
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: I'm sick! (really tacky).
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but
instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss
excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss
reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a
row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week,
even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses
him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his
office.
"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've
only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her
every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up
making love all day long."
"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"
Man says, "I *told* you I was sick."
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 11:50:56 -0400
From: Jeffrey Reid Baker <jeffbaker@JRB-CD.COM>
Subject: CLINTON JOKES#6 <Offensive to Democrats,Liberals,&Liars>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 6 of 20)
---------------------------------------------
Won't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
After all, Slick Willy will probably have a tax on it by then.
<-------->
You can't call Slick Willy a cheap politician.
He's costing the country a fortune.
<-------->
How do you obtain a small business during the Bill Clinton presidency?
Start with a really big one!
<-------->
BEWARE!
There are three new worthless bonds being issued:
The Hillary Rodham Bond - gains no interest.
The Al Gore Bond - never matures.
The Bill Clinton Bond - has no principle.
<-------->
Do you know why it's so hard to keep up with the Joneses under the
Clinton administration?
Because the Joneses are on welfare.
<-------->
So you don't think that business is suffering under the Clinton
administration. I stopped at a local bar last night, and the band was
playing "Tea for One".
I asked the bartender, "What time does the show go on?
He said, "When can you make it?"
<-------->
Why does Bill Clinton like terrorists better than Hillary?
He can negotiate with terrorists!
<-------->
Hillary went to Wellesley with the hopes of becoming a doctor. She ran
wild parties for the other pre-med students.
There were hundreds of coeds in her dorm room at one time even while she
was studying.
However, she didn't worry about discipline since she had heard that her
teacher, Professor Carl, was very liberal in these matters.
One day, the dean called her into his office and said, "Young lady,
you'll never make it in medicine if you don't buckle down and study the
material quietly alone in your room?"
Hillary replied "I can only study medicine if it's socialized and
besides, I know the way Carl marks."
<-------->
Hillary has the look that turns heads .....
and stomachs too.
<-------->
Hillary wasn't born yesterday.
Nobody could become that ugly in only 24 hours.
------------------------------------------------------
--- The measure of a man's character ---
--- is what he would be if he knew ---
--- he would never be found out. ---
-------------------------------------------------------
Jokes excerpted from:
THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY
BILL CLINTON
JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK
(c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 15:35:55 -0500
From: David Chapman <Bsball14@AOL.COM>
Subject: Alzheimers joke----offensive to Alzheimers sufferers---
An old man decides to go to the doctor because he has been feeling
ill for quite some time now and is really starting to worry about it.
When he arrives at the doctors office he tells the doctor all the
symptoms that he has been having. They include widespread pain, memory loss,
and abnormally large lymphnodes. The doctor takes these into account and
begins a large array of tests. The old man is then instructed to come back
in two weeks for the results.
Two weeks pass and the old man comes in for the results. The
doctor states, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. First of all you have
cancer and you also have advanced Alzheimers Disease. I'm sorry".
The old man stares at the doctor for a minute then replies "WHEW!
At least its not cancer!"
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 17:43:21 -0700
From: Lloyd Johnston <lloydj@COMPUSMART.AB.CA>
Subject: The New Catholic (Religious)
From the cassette "Luck of the Irish" by The Clancy Brothers with
Tommy Makem.
In North Ireland a Protestant man married a Catholic woman. After
their marriage he decided to covert to the Catholic church. So he
went to the preist and took instructions and was later baptized.
He had one problem however. He couldn't get it into his skull that
he was a Catholic man, and no longer a Protestant. This became such
a problem that he returned to the preist and asked for some advice.
The preist told him that if he was to repeat the phrase "I'm a
Catholic, not a Protestant" enough times the idea might penetrate his
thick skull. The man left mumbling to himself, "I'm a Catholic, not a
Protestant. I'm a Catholic, not a Protestant."
The next Friday the priest decided to visit the newlyweds. He
knocked on the door and was greeted by the wife. When he stepped in,
he smelled something that should not be in a Catholic's home on a
Friday. He asked the wife where her husband was, and she replied
that he was in the kitchen.
The priest walked into the kitchen and saw the man pouring thick
brown gravy on a thick hunk of roast beef. Agast, the priest was
about to explode when he heard the man mumble "You're a trout, not a
cow. You're a trout, not a cow."
[Catholics are not supposed to eat meat on Fridays, or so I am told.
I am not Catholic myself, so if anyone wishes to correct me, please
do so politely and privately.]
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 20:25:05 -0500
From: Erin <CANF_400@ACCESS.OHIO.GOV>
Subject: Racing Donkey (may be offensive to religious types)
I got this from a friend...thought you'd might get a 'kick' out of it :)
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and
enter him in the race.
However, at the local auction the going prices for horses was so steep
that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day, the racing form carried this headline:
Preacher's Ass Shows
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the
races again. This time he won and the form read:
Preacher's Ass Out in Front
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper
headline that day:
Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid
of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The headline the next day read:
Nun Has Best Ass in Town
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose
of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the
animal for ten dollars. The next day's headlines stated:
Nun Peddled Ass For Ten Bucks
They buried the Bishop the next day.
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 23:33:14 GMT-5
From: Joe F. Walenciak <jwalenci@ACC.JBU.EDU>
Subject: Christmas Poem (not offensive)
>A Christmas poem
>
>'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
>How to live in a world that's politically correct?
>His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
>"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
>And labor conditions at the north pole
>Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
>
>Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
>Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
>And equal employment had made it quite clear
>That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
>So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
>Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
>
>The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
>The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
>And people had started to call for the cops
>When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
>Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
>His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
>
>And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
>Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
>And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
>Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
>
>So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
>Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
>Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
>Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
>
>And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
>That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
>Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
>Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
>Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
>Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
>Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
>Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
>Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
>Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
>
>No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
>Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
>And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
>Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
>For they raised the hackles of those psychological
>Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
>
>No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
>Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
>Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
>And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
>> >>
>So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
>He just could not figure out what to do next.
>He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
>But you've got to be careful with that word today.
>His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
>Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
>
>Something special was needed, a gift that he might
>Give to all without angering the left or the right.
>A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
>Each group of people, every religion;
>Every ethnicity, every hue,
>Everyone, everywhere...even you.
>So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
>"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
>
>
>
>
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