Digest for Wednesday, December 04, 1996
There are 20 messages totalling 841 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- PJs (Part 2/2)
- Women
- Question
- Safe Sex
- Exercise humor
- Donations - suggestive
- laws of physics
- Lawyer Jokes - Part 3/13 (off to Lawyers? do we care?)
- the mulla kyle knows about santa claus
- CLINTON JOKES#7
- A little known Egyptian fact
- Coffee, tea, or Charmins? (scatalogical)
- SOME HALLOWEEN FUN ( Adult Humor)
- Yet, ONE MORE Genie joke...
- "new" system problems
- animal crackers
- A Letter Home
- A Letter Home
- A Letter Home
- CLINTON JOKES#7
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 09:17:15 +0100
From: Oruganty Jagannatha Rao <jagannatha.rao@K5ESK.FE.BOSCH.DE>
Subject: PJ's (Part 2/2)
Teacher : Sam, who first invented underground tunnels?
Sam : Worms, Sir?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor : Face the window, would you? Now stick out your tongue.
Patient : Why do I have to face the window?
Doctor : Because I don't like the man next door.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Tara : I think our school is haunted.
Mara : Why do you say that?
Tara : Because the principal is always going on and on about the
school spirit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Sidney : Did you have a good holiday?
Edna : No. It rained every day.
Sidney : Then how did you get that lovely tan?
Edna : That's no tan - that's rust.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, what's this fly doing in my ice-cream?
Waiter : Looks like it's learning to ski.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man wanted to buy a present for his mother, so he went into a pet
shop and paid a hundred bucks for a mynah bird. It was a very special
bird, which could speak six languages and recite the alphabet backwards.
He had the bird sent round to his mother, and later on he rang her up to
ask her:
"How did you like the bird?"
"Fine," replied his mother. "It was delicious!"
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:46:14 GMT
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women <adult humor>
Women !!! God luv 'em...
* Whoever first called women the "fairer sex" knew nothing whatever
about justice.
- - - - -
* A mail clerk for a Judge never had any trouble scoring at all with
the ladies. However, the Judge had a paralegal working for him that
would not even glance in the clerk's direction. Finally one day, he
decided on the direct approach. He saundered up and said "Hey baby.
How's about you and me getting together for a cozy weekend in a quiet
out-of-the-way motel. It'd be a blast, fer shure."
She replied, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in
the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic
congenial tete-a-tete."
"I don't get it," he said.
"Exactly !!!" she smiled.
- - - - -
* As the holiday season approaches, may I suggest the traditional French
eggnog: four egg yolks, 2 teaspoons of sugar, half-gallon of eggnog
ice cream, four jiggers of cognac in a tall, warm lass.
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 05:08:53 -0500
From: VAN ZYL JA <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Question <Off. to older women>
Q: What has two lips,it's constantly wet,has no
teeth,and has a tongue?
A: An old lady's mouth
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 12:13:33 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Safe Sex <gross>
Background: BOOTS is a British chain of Chemist Stores. You knew that
already? Ok, cool, didn't mean to be patronizing.... :-)
A guy in London walks into a Chemist shop and asks the sales
attendant: "I would like a pack of Durex Featherlite, please."
The attendant says: "I'm sorry, sir, but we have run out of stock.
Have you tried Boots?". And the man replies: "Yes, I have, but it
gets out of the lace holes!"
(I'm disgusting, but considering that I used to be utterly appalling,
I believe I've made progress).
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:05:23 -0500
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Exercise humor
How to Loose Weight Without Exercise
Proper weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting
alone. Many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize
that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise.
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories
per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:05:29 -0500
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Donations - suggestive
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man - "What are you doing here today?"
Woman - "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for
it."
Man - "Hmmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm myself. But they
pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman
meet again in the donation center.
Man - "Oh, hi there. Here to donate blood again?"
Woman - (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh, unh."
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 08:34:06 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: laws of physics
LAWS OF PHYSICS
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when
toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side
facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back
of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in
Braille.
#2
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it out.
#3
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because
they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to
communicate ideas at a faster rate.
#4
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
#1
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the
world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to
spin on its axis.
#2
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is
that it's easier to go faster when you're always going
downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way.
#3
The quantity of consonants in the English language is
constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells."
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 07:50:00 -0600
From: Bakken, Brian <bdb@TENNANTCO.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes - Part 3/13 (off to Lawyers? do we care?)
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The
lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from
the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed
it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
------------------------
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options
with his doctor.
The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you
want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile
accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or
smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who
just died after practicing law for 30 years."
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had
chosen the donor he did.
"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been
used."
------------------------
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The
first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with
color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When
you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."
"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have
only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are
interchangeable."
------------------------
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't
want you to think the operation was a failure."
-----------------------
A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The
contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the
lawyer said.
"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.
"I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll
be an advisor."
"We have enough advisors," the contractor said.
By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm
not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk."
"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks.
With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward
the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down,
double-dealing SOB anyhow."
"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit
down."
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:39:00 -0500
From: Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: the mulla kyle knows about santa claus
explanatory prologue:
[for those of you new to this list, or those of you who have forgotten,
The Mulla Nasrudin is a Sufi character whose origins predates Islam in
his homeland of Persia (modern Iran). Nasrudin is an eternal sophomore.
Mulla is a religious title which implies the person is a teacher,
leader, and even a magistrate.]
it's been a number of years since i've had anything to relate as to the
wisdom of my son, kyle. the reason is partly that he lives with his
mother some 40 km. away, ever since our divorce. i am not exposed to
his wit and wisdom on a daily basis, any longer.
finally, though, once again there is an anecdote to relate from the
books of the mulla kyle! :)
- - - - -
the mulla kyle knows about santa claus
i have fallen on some relatively hard times, recently, and things are
going to be tight for christmas, this year.
kyle is ten. as he was perusing the local toy-store catalogues in the
"little sections" of the sunday paper, with me looking surreptitiously
over his shoulder, he ran across an item that ran upwards of $200.
his reaction was, "oooh! cool!!"
i told him, "santa can't afford that, this year."
his innocent inquiry was, "why? i thought santa can afford anything?"
i answered, "not this year."
he asked, "how do you know? are you santa?"
well, now, as an aside, let me explain that i have never lied to him
about santa. i've always told him that those guys he goes to visit in
the mall, and at church, and at kiddie bingo day are all santa's
*helpers* and not the old man, himself. never having asked me
point-blank before, though, i still knew what my answer was going to be.
besides, i figured that it was about time, at ten years old, eh?
so, i said, "yes, kyle, i'm santa. your mom's santa. grandpa is santa.
your other grandparents are santa. uncle craig and aunt chris are
santa."
he thought for all of about a second before stating, quite firmly,
"yeah, right!"
i know when i'm licked. i shut up.
:)
be seeing you,
oxo
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:48:48 -0400
From: Jeffrey Reid Baker <jeffbaker@JRB-CD.COM>
Subject: CLINTON JOKES#7 <Offensive to Democrats,Liberals,&Liars>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=3Diso-8859-1
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 7 of 20)
---------------------------------------------
A heavenly conversation from the future:
"Who were you amongst the living my son?"=20
"I was Bill Clinton, President of the United States."=20
"Then sit here on my right hand. Now... who were you?"=20
"I was Al Gore, Vice President of the United States."=20
"Then sit here on my left hand. Now... who were you?"=20
"I was Hillary Rodham.=20
And what's your butt doing in my chair!"
<-------->
Hillary returned to the White House one day right after her annual
physical examination. Bill Clinton said, "How did your exam go?" =20
Hillary beamed, "The doctor told me I had the breasts of a 25 year old!"=20
"That's great, honey."=20
Then he added, with a little bit of contempt, "And what did he say about
your 47 year old ass?" to which Hillary replied "Nothing Willie, your
name never came up."
<-------->
Why couldn't Hillary drive Chelsea to work on "take your daughter to
work" day?=20
Her broom is a compact.
<-------->
Know why Bill Clinton loves to play golf?=20
It=92s a game which involves getting your balls into a hole with the leas=
t
number of strokes.
<-------->
Introducing the new =93Bill Clinton Golf Ball=94.=20
A good lie is guaranteed every time.
<-------->
One day, while Bill Clinton is jogging, he comes across a little boy
looking into a cardboard box and says, "Hey kid, what's in the box?"=20
The kid says, "My dog just had puppies".=20
Bill Clinton asks him what kind of dogs they are. "These are Democrat
puppies=94, answers the kid. =20
The next day Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham are out walking and come
upon the same kid. Bill Clinton with a big grin says, 'Hey kid, tell my
wife what kind of puppies you done got there.'=20
The kid says, 'Republican puppies'. =20
Bill Clinton, a bit embarrassed and confused, says, =93But kid, yesterday
you told me that them there were Democrat puppies.=94
The kid says, =93That's right. But last night they opened their eyes."
<-------->
When asked his personal feelings about Roe vs. Wade, Bill Clinton said,=20
"I don't really care how the Haitians get home."
<-------->
Al Gore, in his recent visit to the middle east, confided to reporters
that he knows full well how to handle the Arabs. =20
When asked what he would do with the Bedouins?"=20
Al Gore said, "The Bedouins we will oppose ...the Goodouins we will
support."
<-------->
When Al Gore was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I don't know
really, I've only just been to Beirut."
<-------->
What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?=20
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
------------------------------------------------------
--- The measure of a man's character ---
--- is what he would be if he knew ---
--- he would never be found out. ---
-------------------------------------------------------
Jokes excerpted from:
THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY
BILL CLINTON
JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK
(c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:33:33 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A little known Egyptian fact
Who blew the nose off the Sphinx?
Common misunderstandings include a tank gunner
in Rommel's troops, or Napoleon's men.
Actually, it was Handkerchephren,
Pharaoh of the CIX Dynasty, of course.
The Sphinx's throat is still a little Ra,
and his voice a little Horus,
but he'll get better
after he kicks his ziggurat habit.
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 11:47:26 -0500
From: Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Coffee, tea, or Charmins? (scatalogical)
By RICHARD PYLE
Associated Press Writer
NEW YORK (AP) -- An investment banker was fined $5,000 and placed on two
years' probation Tuesday for a drunken scene aboard an airliner in which he
was accused of defecating on a food service cart.
Gerard Buckley Finneran, 59, of Greenwich, Conn., also was ordered to get
counseling and not drink on airplanes. He previously agreed to pay $48,000 to
reimburse his fellow passengers' ticket costs, perform 300 hours of community
service and cover United Airlines' $1,000 in cleanup costs.
Finneran, managing director of Trust Company of the West, pleaded guilty
to a federal charge of making a threat. He became angry after flight
attendants refused to serve him more wine aboard a Buenos Aires-to-New York
flight Oct. 20. Court papers said he poured drinks on himself and, when
flight attendants intervened, he threatened one and shoved another.
Then, according to court papers, he climbed onto a food cart and
defecated, used linen napkins as toilet paper and smeared feces around.
His lawyer, Charles Stillman, denied that Finneran defecated on a food
cart. Stillman said Finneran suffered an attack of diarrhea but found the
first-class bathroom blocked by aides to the president of Portugal, a fellow
passenger. "He was trying to get to the business class lavatory when he had
what you can understand was a terrible accident--he soiled himself,"
Stillman said in a telephone interview.
Stillman said Finneran is still a member of United's frequent-flier
program, "but maybe the friendly skies ain't so friendly any more."
Finneran could have drawn six months in jail.
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 21:55:59 +0500
From: Jahanzeb A. Khan <jazi@KHI.COMPOL.COM>
Subject: SOME HALLOWEEN FUN ( Adult Humor)
I got this from my friend Ehsan, and I hope you guys enjoy this 'cause its
my first contribution. :)
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for
his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without
pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after
all.
Inasmuch as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she
thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she wasn't around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little
kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being
rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived.
She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just
before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening
had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a
good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?"
He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the
guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 10:26:00 PST
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Yet, ONE MORE Genie joke...
A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins
to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks
it up, and a pissed-off female genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant
3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-bitch, I am going to grant
only 1."
He thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in
my bed."
She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next
morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary
Clinton.
So now he has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 11:07:44 PST
From: Jay Sandhu [ESRI-Redlands] <jsandhu@ESRI.COM>
Subject: "new" system problems <clean>
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and
Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not
ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but
they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to
unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I
tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that
it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold
plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 20:35:01 +0100
From: Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: animal crackers <adult>
I was standing in the shower, next to an elephant.
'Phh,' he said, 'Do you have to eat with THAT ??'
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 16:53:37 -0500
From: Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Letter Home <a few sentences with adult themes>
Since I left college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my
thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date
now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any
further until you are sitting down, okay?
Well, then, I'm getting along pretty wel now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out the window of my dormitory when it caught
on fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory,
and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at a gas station near the dorm,
and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also
visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the
burntout dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his appartment
with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very
fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven't got the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give
it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection which prevents him from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. I know that you will welcome him into our
family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is
ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know
your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not
in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I am not infected, and
there is no boyfriend. However, I am getting a "D" in American History, and
an "F" in Chemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper
perspective.
Your loving daughter, Sharon
(Source: Letter on p.28 of 'Influence' by Robert B. Cialdini, Ph.D.
Copyright 1984 by Robert Cialdini. W/out permission of William & Company,
Inc.)
:-) Hope you like it!!!
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 16:01:15 -0800
From: Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Letter Home <a few sentences with adult themes>
<deleted for archive. Duplicate of previous joke.>
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 16:03:24 -0800
From: Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Letter Home <a few sentences with adult themes>
Opps .. sorry about that ... didnt mean to sent it.
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Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 21:52:45 -0400
From: Jeffrey Reid Baker <jeffbaker@JRB-CD.COM>
Subject: CLINTON JOKES#7 <Offensive to Democrats,Liberals,&Liars>
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BILL CLINTON JOKES (Part 7 of 20)
---------------------------------------------
A heavenly conversation from the future:
"Who were you amongst the living my son?"=20
"I was Bill Clinton, President of the United States."=20
"Then sit here on my right hand. Now... who were you?"=20
"I was Algore, Vice President of the United States."=20
"Then sit here on my left hand. Now... who were you?"=20
"I was Hillary Rodham.=20
And what's your butt doing in my chair!"
<-------->
Hillary returned to the White House one day right after her annual
physical examination. Slick Willie said, "How did your exam go?" =20
Hillary beamed, "The doctor told me I had the breasts of a 25 year old!"=20
"That's great, honey."=20
Then he added, with a little bit of contempt, "And what did he say about
your 47 year old ass?" to which Hillary replied "Nothing Willie, your
name never came up."
<-------->
Why couldn't Hillary drive Chelsea to work on "take your daughter to
work" day?=20
Her broom is a compact.
<-------->
Know why Slick Willie loves to play golf?=20
It=92s a game which involves getting your balls into a hole with the leas=
t
number of strokes.
<-------->
Introducing the new =93Slick Willie Golf Ball=94.=20
A good lie is guaranteed every time.
<-------->
One day, while Slick Willie is jogging, he comes across a little boy
looking into a cardboard box and says, "Hey kid, what's in the box?"=20
The kid says, "My dog just had puppies".=20
Slick Willie asks him what kind of dogs they are. "These are Democrat
puppies=94, answers the kid. =20
The next day Slick Willie and Hillary Rodham are out walking and come
upon the same kid. Slick Willie with a big grin says, 'Hey kid, tell my
wife what kind of puppies you done got there.'=20
The kid says, 'Republican puppies'. =20
Slick Willie, a bit embarrassed and confused, says, =93But kid, yesterday
you told me that them there were Democrat puppies.=94
The kid says, =93That's right. But last night they opened their eyes."
<-------->
When asked his personal feelings about Roe vs. Wade, Slick Willie said,=20
"I don't really care how the Haitians get home."
<-------->
Algore, in his recent visit to the middle east, confided to reporters
that he knows full well how to handle the Arabs. =20
When asked what he would do with the Bedouins?"=20
Algore said, "The Bedouins we will oppose ...the Goodouins we will
support."
<-------->
When Algore was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I don't know
really, I've only just been to Beirut."
<-------->
What is the difference between Slick Willie and Jane Fonda?=20
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
------------------------------------------------------
--- The measure of a man's character ---
--- is what he would be if he knew ---
--- he would never be found out. ---
-------------------------------------------------------
Jokes excerpted from:
THE COMPLETE BUT TACKY
BILL CLINTON
JOKE AND ACTIVITY BOOK
(c)1996 JeRBil, Inc. Of NY
--=20
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