Digest for Wednesday, January 01, 1997
There are 7 messages totalling 271 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
-
- How To Relieve Stress --Tokyo Style
- Computers in the 1960s
- Im too sexy for my car
- Small Boys
- 30 Ways To Freak Out Your Roommate
- 2 Riddles
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Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 02:45:14 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Alright, we all celebrate at New Year's, some to excess.
However, please consider the below listed tip-offs as
Signs You May Have A Drinking Problem the rest of the year:
* You fall off the floor quite often
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
* Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle
* Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense
* You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects
* You have a "Reserved Parking" space at your liquor store
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
* You don't recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
* You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women
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Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 09:24:42 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: How To Relieve Stress --Tokyo Style
TOKYO -- The intensity of Tokyo life can at times simply prove too much to
bear. With a million people living on top of each other, constant traffic
jams and long work days, sometimes Tokyo residents just need a break.
Japanese workers have found a way to successfully unload a year of stress
in a little over two hours -- by smashing things to bits. After a few
beers and stressful year, salaried workers write their boss's name on a
plate, then smash it.
In one Tokyo bar, owner Junichi Hotta said up to 30 plates were smashed in
his bar every day -- but the figure nearly doubles at this time of year.
He doesn't mind, he says. "I want them to go back to work feeling good."
Source: The Associated Press
Good wishes to all for the New Year !!
Warmest regards,
"Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@io.com>
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Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 10:05:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Computers in the 1960's
Part 1 of 2
If personal computers had been around in the 1960's...
Beverly Hillbillies
Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in
the bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated,
Miss Jane pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to
"put in the LAN," but Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed
then gets Granny to cook up a dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie
Mae bring them to the bank. When they arrive, everybody is out to
lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the hams, but is frustrated
when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay attached to the ham
bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has brought along
her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing the
the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund
transfer of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr.
Drysdale is seen chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look
in his eye, swinging a ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-
doggie! Why look at that Granny. Mr. Drysdale is so happy about
whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her own ham!"
=======
If personal computers had been around in the 1960's...
Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to
upgrade the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After
hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection via his
papaya-based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but
falls asleep from exhaustion. Gilligan walks up and types "+++"
then "ATH" and drops the line. The Skipper beans him with a rock
and finally loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he
starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about playing Leisure Suit
Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally figures out how
to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a passing JAL
jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News
Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points.
Ginger calls CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an
effort to convince them that she should would be a good model for
MacStripPoker 2.0. Eventually, all connectivity on the island is
lost, when Gilligan discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has
shorted pins 2&3 on the serial cable, and everybody on the island
has just been echoing characters to each other.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . No friend is so fine as he who laughs at your bad jokes
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet
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Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 20:34:14 +0100
From: Th. Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: I'm too sexy for my car <adult>
John: 'Do you know anything more difficult than getting a pregnant woman in
a Volkswagen ?'
George: 'No.'
John: 'Getting a woman pregnant in a Volkswagen.'
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Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 15:19:13 -0500
From: Lyle Worsley <100704.3051@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Small Boys <off. to mothers, two minor swear words>
Two young brothers are getting ready for bed. The eleven year old
announces to his younger brother that he's going to use a swear word the
next day. He thinks it will be fun and bring some excitement to their
lives. The eight year old decides that he too will use a swear word the
next day. The eleven year old decides to use "hell"; the eight year old
decides to use "ass".
The next morning their mother asks the eleven year old what he wants for
breakfast. "Well, hell," says the eleven year old, "I'll have some
Cheerios." The mother goes ballistic upon hearing this swear word and
launches into a five minute tirade on the evils of using bad words. When
she finally settles down, she turns to the eight year old and asks him what
he wants for breakfast. "You can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!" he
tells her.
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Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 16:29:31 -0500
From: Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: 30 Ways To Freak Out Your Roommate
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to
him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall
over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day,
repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at
the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without
one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf
for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed
onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to
"rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday.
Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup.
When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and
tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in.Eat
the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the
toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it
in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away
to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your
roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her
something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water.
When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If
he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend
to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does
so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin
to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say,
"Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at
your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then
jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing
beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans.
Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake
him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you
every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies
for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she
tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey
them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until
he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with
me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering
you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in
a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel."
Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into
walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every
time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act
like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with
your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection
with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that
"Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and
angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover
your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks.. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically
for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate,
crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she
looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize
all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head
crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and
try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon
sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying
things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it,
and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into
the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires,
refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're
trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but
you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a
recipe for really great chili.
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Date: Wed, 1 Jan 1997 14:24:25 PST
From: Im a closet claustrophobic...204-2857 <PHIMES@ALOHA.INTEL.COM>
Subject: 2 Riddles <off. to midgets, Ethiopians & McDonalds>
Q: What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison?
A: A small Medium at large.
___________________________________________________
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
(Forward from a friend, don't blame me)
---------------------------------------------------
Eddie :)
******* I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous! *******
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