Digest for Thursday, January 02, 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Getting Old ?
- Sign seen in Belgrade hotel elevator: (fwd)
- Its A Wacky World
- Humor - young musicians
- New Year Rumination
- Poem
- 7 short tasteless jokes, and a pointer
- Midget joke - offensive to midgets
- Golfing Buddy
- Computers in the 1960s
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 02:48:28 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Getting Old ?
You can tell you're are getting old when:
Dialing long-distance wears you out.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
You get winded playing games on the computer.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
Burning the "midnight oil" now beings roughly at 8:00 PM.
"25 Years Ago Today..." is your favorite part of the paper.
Almost everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The only "gleam in your eye" is the sun hitting your bifocals.
You regret all those times in the past you resisted temptation.
You can't stand all those damn stupid people who are intolerant.
After painting the town red, you can no longer apply a 2nd coat.
That sweet young thang you were just gonna hit on calls you sir.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic.
Your pacemaker opens the garage door as you watch a girl walk by.
You decide to procrastinate, and yet never quite get around to it.
Your "little black book" contains way too many names ending in M.D.
You feel like the morning after, yet you haven't even been anywhere.
Growing old doesn't seem so bad now when you consider the alternative.
You know all of the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.
There's too much room in the house & not enough in the medicine cabinet.
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 08:33:35 -0800
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Sign seen in Belgrade hotel elevator: (fwd)
[Forwarded by Varda Ullman Novick <vunovick@netcom.com>]
Subject: Sign seen in Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing
floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 10:37:38 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World
Consider the sad case of 63-year-old Ernie Bailey, a British factory
worker whose time ran out as 1996's did. Bailey won a lottery prize worth
$18.6 million 20 months ago and promptly went on an unceasing binge of
cigarettes, drink and take-out food, the tabloid Sun newspaper reported.
Ignoring doctors' advice to stop drinking and smoking, Bailey had
ballooned to 310 pounds by the time he died in the luxury bungalow he
bought in London.
"Poor old Ernie is proof you can't take it with you," the newspaper quoted
a family friend as saying.
An appropriate New Year's message perhaps.
Source:Houston Chronicle
*It is said: Money is the root of all evil and man must have roots.*
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 13:25:51 EST
From: BARNES,LARRY J. <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: Humor - young musicians <clean>
From the Missouri School Music Newsletter, these are answers to test
questions compiled by music teachers.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it.
A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather r
large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.He was so deaf he wrote e
loud music.He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was c all
ing him. I guess he could not hear so good.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. .
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is s
unusual to be contemporary.Most composers do not live until they are
dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
Question:What are kettle drums called?
Answer:Kettle drums.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I oth
found out and got in trouble.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line
of flute music.You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck
and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a
pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 14:54:00 -0500
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Year Rumination
Now that we're into a new year, it may be time to put things in
perspective and consider our place in the world and review our gifts.
This is something I picked up from the Internet that I thought people
might appreciate:
At the far end of an insignificant little galaxy in an unremarkable
corner of our universe, an extremely ordinary little planet revolves
around a modest little sun. On this planet, tiny little specks of
matter have evolved by either chance or design into self-replicating
patterns, multiplied, and become more complex. Somewhere along the
line, these tiny collections of atoms picked up the ultimate Gift. The
gift is "choice". And once for each revolution of their planet about its
sun, some of these patterns remind themselves that they have choice, by
making resolutions. They can choose to love or to hate, to work or to
play, to eat or to exercise. They can choose. Perhaps today would be a
good day to choose wisely. Tomorrow might be good too. In fact, every
day is a good day, to use the greatest gift of all.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 15:08:38 -0500
From: Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: Poem
I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece
Because of the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road,
the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say,
the other guy is drunk, Mom, and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom. The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom, before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 17:21:24 -0500
From: Santiago Arteaga <arteaga@CS.UMD.EDU>
Subject: 7 short tasteless jokes, and a pointer
- What's the first thing Rocio Jurado says when she takes off
her bra?
- Gee, the floor is cold.
A couple of teenagers have just finished fucking. The girl asks
- Am I really the first girl you have made love to?
- Of course... but tell me, why do you all have to ask the same
thing?
- Why don't women menstruate after the menopause ?
- They need the blood for the varicose veins.
This is the first time mother who gives birth to twins. The
nurse is showing them to her, holding each baby in an arm. The mother
looks at them and says "Can I have the one on the right?"
Two nurses in the maternity section:
- Gee, what an ugly boy!
- Yeah, and you should have seen the ones we have just thrown
into the incinerator.
- Momma, momma, I don't wanna sleep any more with little brother.
- Shut up, I have told you we don't have the money to bury him.
- Momma, momma, can I play with the puppy ?
- OK, but when you are done, put all the bones back into the
spitoon.
There is a new set of tasteless jokes in spanish at
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~santiago/chistes_135_salvajadas ;
the whole coleccion is at http://www.wam.umd.edu/~santiago/
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 17:48:22 -0500
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Midget joke - offensive to midgets
Q - When is it okay to slap a midget?
A - When he tells you your hair smells good!
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 17:57:06 -0500
From: Skip Johnstone <GSkipJ@AOL.COM>
Subject: Golfing Buddy
There was this old-timer who loved golf, could still hit the ball but
couldn't see where it went. One day the pro told him, "Charlie, I've got the
right partner for you. Tom's about your age and he's got eyes like a hawk."
So the two old guys went out and on the first tee, Charlie hit a long drive.
He says to Tom, "Did you see where it went?" Tom says, "Yes......but I
forgot."
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Date: Thu, 2 Jan 1997 20:05:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Computers in the 1960's
Part 2 of 2
If personal computers had been around in the 1960's...
The Brady Bunch
Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer
and, through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only"
BBS, is able to access individual student's "permanent records." He
scans through the listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro,
alters his completed courses such that he won't be required to
take English Lit again. However, Jan is working in the school
office at the time and is alerted to the invasion by a diligent
anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having to decide to do
the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes home and
talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and
then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software
Mr. Brady has recently installed on his Pentium laptop. Jan tries
to use the program, but instead accidently deletes all the files
in the Harvard Graphics directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a
presentation the next day. Mrs. Brady finds out via Jan what
happened, and forces Peter to write "I will not hack into the
school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of the family
eats angle food cake on the patio.
===========
If personal computers had been around in the 1960's...
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the
activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and
jumps on a plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched
on and, due to an undiscovered bug in the latest release of System
and Finder, the hard disk continually optimizes itself when no
keyboard input is recorded for more than five minutes. Needless to
say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and spends the next few hours
trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted begins his broadcast
and notes that "We expected to have some good information about
Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to take a Mac
and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long distance
over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who
doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the
headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and
answers. She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary
is last seen violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window
while crossing the Bay Bridge.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Barney of Borg: Assimmilation is fun!
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