Digest for Saturday, January 04, 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 395 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Words of Wisdom
- The Meeting
- They are called.. {sexual innunedo}
- Poem Posting 1/2-1/3/97
- Mommy Joke
- a share of ...
- The Jack Sh-t Story
- advertising errors
- Learning from Baywatch
- Its A Wacky World
- News on the GOODTIMES virus
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 10:18:32 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Words of Wisdom
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change. The courage
To change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom
To hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also,
Grant me the patience to suffer fools,
or, alternatively, a chainsaw.
Help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Amen.
-----------------------------------------
The village idiot has retired. I'm going to apply for the job.
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 04:07:30 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Meeting <adult/sexual>
I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place
and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really
the greatest sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she
didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her to a
McDonald's.
To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very very
close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely... well,
actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me... well, really, I
wasn't so much fondling per se, our bodies just got very close together.
To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her while we were both in line.
Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?
Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it
was really the back of the chair she sat down in. Although, the chair
was on the other side the room you see. And I was sort of leaning my
own chair on the opposite wall. We were connecting and all though !
And we did make eye contact several times. Well, not eye contact exactly.
She sort of caught me staring at her, got that frightened lil' bird look
in her eyes, and got up and ran out of the place.
I would have caught up with her too, had she not flagged down that Police
car. I fail to see how all this constitutes "stalking" though. I mean,
come on, give me a break here.
But anyway, wow! What a night. What a night. If all goes well here, I
should be making my next post on my further adventures in 90-120 days;
the delay will be up to the Judge, I guess.
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 09:46:00 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: They are called.. {sexual innunedo}
Southern belle went to Ca. and returned to GA. She proceeds to tell her
mother that in Ca. there are men that kiss and hug one another...Mother
asked " what are they called" southern belle replies" they are called
homosexual" and Mother there are women out there that they kiss and hug one
another" . Mother asks "and what are they called. Daughter replies" they
are called lesbians" and mother there is men out there that kiss and eat a
women all up. Mother shocked ..asks and what are they called. Daughter
replies" i called him p r e c i o u s"
an added bonus ...
Raggity Ann and Pinocio were playing in the sand box one day and Ragity
Ann threw Pinocio down and sat on his nose and said LIE...TRUTH....
LIE....TRUTH....LIE..
no wonder she got thrown out of the toy box hahaha
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 16:27:00 -0500
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Poem Posting 1/2-1/3/97
I am writing (hopefully to the correct address) to complain about the poem
about the dying kid's final thoughts and the message against drinking and
driving. Obviously this violates the rules of the humor list and I hope that
you explain this to the poster. I have written to her myself. I'm sick of
people using inappropriate places and times to pull out their soap boxes.
Thanks!
Sue Sevin
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 16:28:38 -0500
From: Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mommy Joke
EATING!!!
son: Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?
mom: Shut up and flush.
son: Mummy, mummy, please can I have a spoon?
mom: Yes of course dear. Why do you want the spoon?
son: Because Daddy's been sick, and the cat's getting all the big bits
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
mom: Shut up and keep eating.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?
mom: Shut up and chew!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
mom: Shut up and get the marshmallows!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
mom: Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
mom: Shut up and eat your hamburger!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
mom: Shut up and eat your french fries!
son: Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
mom: Shut up and eat around it.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
mom: Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
mom: Shut up and flush it like everyone else.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
mom: Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
mom: Shut up and drink it before it clots.
son: Mommy, Mommy! My egg tastes bad.
mom: stop complaining! Just eat it!
son: Mommy, Mommy!
mom: What is it now!
son: Do I have to eat the beak as well?
son: Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
mom: Shut up and eat around it!
son: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
mom: Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
mom: Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
or
mom: Well okay , eat the beans instead ...
son: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
mom: Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
son: Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
mom: Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
daughter: Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
mom: All right, you can take another slice.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
mom: Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
mom: Shut up, and keep eating!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
mom: Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
mom: Keep quiet and eat what is on the table.
(or)
mom: Shut up. Do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve?
son: Mommy, Mommy! I wanted to lick the bowl this time.
mom: Shaddup and flush.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti!
mom: Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I HATE red and green spagetti!
mom: Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
son: Mummy, Mummy! what's for dinner?
mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.
son: Mommy, mommy! I don't want any more hamburger!
mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder.
son: Mummy, Mummy! I don't like grandma.
mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then.
son: Mommy, mommy! Daddy threw up all over the kitchen floor.
mom: Just ignore him, son.
son: But little sis is getting all of the BIG pieces!
son: Mommy, Mommy! are you sure this is the right way to cook Beijing Duck?
mom: Shuddup and close the microwave oven door behind you!
son: Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
mom: Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
mom: Shut up and eat your hot dog!
son: Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire?
mom: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
son: Mommy, Mommy! are we really vampires?
mom: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
son: Mommy Mommy! I'm not hungry anymore.
mom: Shut up and finish your paint chips.
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 22:41:21 +0100
From: Th. Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: a share of ...<adult>
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John said to George: 'Man, I dated her last tuesday and we had wonderful
sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife !'
Two days later.
George to John, 'Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well. But she sure
isn't a lot better than your wife.'
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 17:19:30 -0500
From: Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Jack Sh-t Story <foul language>
THE JACK SCHITT STORY
The Portion Most Folks Do Not Know
When someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", it is probably because you
are unaware of the entire Jack Schitt story. Here's the rest of the story:
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt and Noe Schitt had six children. Holy Schitt, their first,
passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came the twins, Deep Schitt and
Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt and another son,
Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and have a son named
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers.
The
Schitt Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt married Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of baby
Schitt.
Now, don't let anyone tell you, "You don't know Jack Schitt"
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 18:59:50 PST
From: D S Paull <dljbs@JUNO.COM>
Subject: advertising errors
From: lgardner@force.stwing.upenn.edu
Several friends and myself were watching television when the newest of
the Coca-Cola polar bear commercials came on, where the baby polar bear
dropped his ball into the icy water, a seal retrieved it for him, and
they both kicked back and had a Coke to mark their friendship (or
something like that- I'm paraphrasing). Anyway, the following reaction
ensued:
One of my friends immediately spoke up and said:
"There are three things totally wrong with that commercial:
First, the polar bear wouldn't have hesitated, and would have
gone in the water after the ball itself.
Second, if there had been a seal in the water when the polar bear
came around, the bear would have forgotten all about the ball and would
have instead swatted the seal out of the water.
Third, there wouldn't be any seals near where any polar bears
might be in the first place."
After a second of thought, I added:
"Fourth, polar bears and seals don't drink Coke."
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 08:33:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Learning from Baywatch
What Other Countries Learn About US from Baywatch
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days
running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each
hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always
works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for
an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of
any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat,
but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts
that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of
two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to
be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by
terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs
in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain
that they are poor, they all have expensive sports
cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David
Hasselhoff like NightRider.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet
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Date: Sat, 4 Jan 1997 19:58:56 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World
People used to getting their burger and fries on the quick can now hop on
the Internet in a drive-through lane for the latest stock prices, forecasts
and sports scores.
In a nation obsessed with convenience,from fast-food restaurants to ATMs,
a small online service company is offering the ultimate for computer
junkies.
The company based in Lewisburg, West Virginia, a town of 3,500, has placed
a 15-inch Macintosh monitor inside the drive-through window in its office,
a former fast-food restaurant. There are a keyboard and glide pad outside
for drivers to use in their cars.
"I suppose it's taking the information highway to its ultimate
conclusion," said Sara Fitzgerald, spokeswoman for Interactive Services
Association, a trade association for the on-line and Internet industry in
Silver Spring, Maryland.
As for hamburglers who might steal the drive-through keyboard, the company
is not worried. Lewisburg is a small town about 75 miles southeast of
Charleston with a low crime rate.
The company, founded in October 1995, moved into its office in August and
set up the drive-through computer in late December as a promotion.
"We have to use that drive-through for something," Lemley said. "We are a
little on the eccentric side. We admit that."
Source: The Associated Press.
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 00:10:48 -0700
From: Chris Stanford <cls@TECHIE.COM>
Subject: News on the GOODTIMES virus
The latest breaking news on the GOODTIMES virus.
It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very
dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard
drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all
your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if
she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave
the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new
snowblower.
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