Digest for Sunday, January 05, 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 760 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- An alternative to the silly dying boy poem.............
- Liberalism Cause Discovered
- Bigamy
- Pavlovian conditioning (redneck style) (adult themes)
- Jungle crook
- assorted: Offensive to Barbie-lovers; Italians
- Humor: Three Biggest Lies
- Students Flawed Writings Reshape History.( Part 1 of 3)
- Yo Momma!!!!
- Diet poem
- High Times
- If you love someone, set him free
- Difference between Man and Woman
- Welcome to Monday
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- In The News - American politics, Seattle floods, airlines
- the Irishman
- Pastors!
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 09:37:25 +0200
From: Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: An alternative to the silly dying boy poem.............
I posted a silly poem, Mom, I forgot what Jimbo said
About the rules of humor@uga, now my suspension lies ahead
I really feel so stupid inside, Mom, just like Jim said I would
I can't obey a simple rule, but the others wish I could.
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 03:08:02 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Liberalism Cause Discovered <adult>
It was announced today that liberalism may be genetically determined. A
lengthy article in the current issue of "HEY !" threatens to overshadow
the announcement by Government scientists that there might be a hidden
dormant gene for compassion in men.
Reports of the gene codes which predispose one to liberal views were
discovered after a long study in Brite Orange County CA, has sent shock
waves through medical, political and yuppie communities.
Psychologists have long believed the "off-the-wall" liberals' unnatural
and frequently unconstitutional radical tendencies resulted from an
unhealthy family life -- a remarkably high percentage of liberals had
whimpy and submissive fathers, as well as latent lesbian mothers who
didn't teach them traditions at all. Biologists have long suspected
that liberal tendencies are inherited. "After all" said one author of
the article, "It's quite common for such a free spirit to have a brother
or sister who also has such distorted views."
The finding has been greeted with a sigh of relief by parents, family &
friends of liberals, who have tended to blame themselves for the twisted
political views of otherwise lovable people. One mother, a life-long
Conservative, with two liberal sons, clasped her hands in ecstasy upon
hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was a freak of nature," she said,
"I knew my boys wouldn't actually choose that kind of lifestyle!"
Despite the near certainty of the medical community about these genetic
origins, troubling issues remain. The article offered no reason for the
startlingly high incidence of liberals found among siblings of the Yuppie
Community. It remains to be explained why so many avowed Liberals vote
Republican occasionally -- or at least fantasize about doing so.
Surprisingly, some are hailing the findings as a step forward rather than
an invitation to deny liberals their civil rights; to which normal, sane
people are entitled.
Other free thinkers, recalling early scientific studies to test the mental
instability of hippies (long established to be the fore-runners of today's
yuppies, only with no material goods), find the frenzied search for the
biological cause of liberalism pointless, if not downright sinister. But
for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a much brighter
tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could help these hapless souls,
& eventually, eradicate liberals altogether; bringing peace to the world.
President Clinton and co-President Hillary were in closed conference with
the Attorney General to determine if there was a method for them to veto
or outlaw this latest discovery and could not be reached for comment.
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 12:23:06 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Bigamy
Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
ariel :)
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 08:49:13 -0500
From: Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Pavlovian conditioning (redneck style) (adult themes)
A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just
before leaving the house for the fields at down they tear off a piece and when
he returns home at evening they have another go before and after supper and
maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the
fields are a long way from the house and the young man loses so much time
traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the
town's doctor) about what to do. "Easiest thing in the world, Homer" says the
doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well when you
feel like you're in the mood for some lovin' just fire a shot into the air as
a signal to your wife for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any
workin' time."
Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while. One day though
the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit and he notices Homer sitting
alone inside looking very morose. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea
work? And where's your wife?" "Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in
the mood I fired off a shot like you said and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd
find a secluded place and do it after which Beckie'd go back home." "So what's
the problem?" "Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of
Beckie since the huntin' season got started..."
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 16:13:35 +0100
From: Th. Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Jungle crook <adult>
Two nuns were living in the jungle, doing their good work.
One day they were strolling through the bushes, as suddenly two dangerous
looking guys jumped before them. Each of them takes a nun, throws her on
the soil and starts raping them.
'Oh God', nun #1 cries, ' forgive him, 'cause he doesn't know what he is
doing..'
'Well, mine sure does !', groans nun # 2.
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 09:24:17 -0600
From: D. B. Christian <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: assorted: Offensive to Barbie-lovers; Italians
Ariel's "Bigamy" post reminded me of a few of my favorites....
What's bigotry?
The largest tree in an Italian neighborhood.
What's bigamist?
A heavy drizzle in the same neighborhood.
A friend told this one to me the other night:
Why can't Ken and Barbie have kid's?
Because Ken came in a box.
David Christian, MA (aka Bjorn)
Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian
UofNoDak Grand Forks ND
If God hadn't wanted me to be uptight...why would there be coffee and
graduate school?
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 12:41:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Three Biggest Lies
>Sent From: Danny S Easterling <eastrlng@utdallas.edu>
3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bugfree.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any
files.
- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
- The new machines on order.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- The boss is just one of the guys.
- Staying small is a conscious decision.
3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.
3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
- Some day this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.
3 Biggest Executive Lies:
- Money...it's just a score card.
- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
3 Biggest Hardware Lies:
- We always design for testablilty.
- It worked fine on the proto board.
- That would be much easier to implement in software.
1. Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
2. Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room in
which there is no cat.
3. Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room
where there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it!".
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . O%%%%.==0123456789ABCDEF=====- <= Hexcalibur
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 17:52:21 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Students' Flawed Writings Reshape History.( Part 1 of 3)
Source: Ann Lander's Column -- authored by Richard Lederer,a teacher at St
Paul's School. It is made up from lines in student papers.
The History of the World
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole
his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew
king who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500
wives and 500 porcupines.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and
Ironic. The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he becam
intolerable. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.
Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks. Nero was a cruel tyrant who
tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 19:50:53 -0500
From: Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yo Momma!!!! <foul language, rude and offensive>
Well, I'm finally back with the nastiness:
> =-> SO SLUTTY,
>
> Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her
> nice belt!
>
> =-> SO GREASY,
>
> Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
> Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
>
> =-> TEETH SO YELLOW,
>
> Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
> Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
> Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can't believe its not butter
>
> =-> SO LAZY,
>
> Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two
> jobs.
>
> =-> SO SKINNY,
>
> Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
> Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.
>
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 20:34:20 -0500
From: George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Diet poem
Incitement to Diet by Felicia Lamport
The loud repercussions of diet discussions
Can set you to groaning aloud
By raising the issue of adipose tissue
With which you feel overendowed.
You determine to lose, but which method to use?
They're all couched in such intricate terms
That you long to get hold of those wise men of old
Who sponsored the Diet of Worms.
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 20:56:51 -0500
From: Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: High Times <poetry, involves vomit>
Speaking of the surly bonds, here's my own interpretation
of the famed poem High Flight, by John Gillespie, Jr.
High Times Flight
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of sobriety,
And danced around on alcohol addled-wheels.
I've tripped, and stumbled in tumbling mirth
On ocean-wave floorboards - while drinking more 12-ounce meals
Than you've ever dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
My head through a window. Hovering there,
I've shouted my chow, and flung
What feels like my digestive system into the air.
And many a night I've spent on my knees
Holding a swaying toilet in love's embrace
Dizzied by the floating, swirling carrots and peas.
And while dry-heaving what feels like a planet in space
My guts give me respite; with fumbling grace,
I raise up my hand, and wipe the bile from my face.
-- Chaplain Sol Invictus
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 21:27:49 -0500
From: Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: If you love someone, set him free
The Original......
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, he's never was....
The New Versions.....
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, as expected, he's never was ...
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
Don't worry, he will come back.
Suspicious:
(1) If you love someone,
Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, ask him why.
(2) If you love someone,
Set him free ... but get someone to follow him
(3) If you love someone,
...are you sure you love that someone?
Go-getter:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
If he comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, go get him !
Hunter:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
Don't even wait whether he comes back, go hunt him down!
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
If he doesn't comes back within some timeout, forget him.
Patient:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
If he doesn't comes back, continue to wait until he comes
back ...
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
* If he comes back, and if you love him still, set him free
again,
repeat *
Student in the midst of an exam period:
If you love someone,
Set him free ...
If he comes back during the exam period, set him free again,
and go and study ...
If he doesn't comes back during the exam period, god bless.
If he doesn't comes back at all, god bless you too.
Bo-chap:
If you love someone,
Set him free...
If he comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, he's never was....
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 21:27:53 -0500
From: Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: Difference between Man and Woman
M A N
If you don't let him kiss you, you don't love him
If you let him, he thinks you are cheap
If you praise him, he thinks you are pressuring him
If you don't, he thinks you don't care
If you agree to all his wants, he is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you want to be romantic, he thinks you want a sugar daddy
If you don't, you are plain and boring
If you visit him too often, he thinks you want to get married
If you don't, he worries about new boyfriends
If you put makeup on, he accuses you of flirting
If you don't, he thinks you look like a housewife
If you are jealous, he believes "It's natural for men"
If you don't, he thinks "He can have his cake and eat it too"
If you want a gift of flowers, he thinks "Its a waste of money"
If you don't, he thinks you don't deserve it
If you come early, he thinks you are an irony lady
If you don't, he thinks "That's a girl's way"
If you want an ambitious man, you are pushy
If you don't, you don't care about his future
If you help him out, his ego is injured
If you don't, his feelings are hurt
If you make more money than him, he cannot marry you
If you don't make any, he wants someone else
If he make a suggestion, he wants you to agree
If you don't, you are being difficult
If you say "no", he thinks you mean "try again"
If you don't, he has no respect for you
O Lord!! We are just humans like our fellow "MEN"
Why can't we get along?
Don't we deserve respect just like them?
Our wants are simple, tender loving care and respect.
AMEN.
WOMAN
If you kiss her, you are not a gentlemen
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are an 'experience man'
If you don't, you are half a man
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you don't love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way"
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another, 'Oh! it's natural, we are girls'
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If she talks, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
Oh God!! You created those creatures called "WOMAN"
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
"O Lord, tell me what to do, AMEN."
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 20:38:32 -0800
From: Eric Clark <klucko@COMPUMEDIA.COM>
Subject: Welcome to Monday
Here are some things you can do in the office today. Taken from an
article in a Seattle paper.
* Play a game of Twister. Rather than spin a needle on a board, spin your
boss around as fast as you can. If he pukes, everyone gets the day off.
* Park an old beat-up truck carrying a big arty-heart outside the downtown
mall. Make sure it says "The Bomb" on the bumper.
* Unplug the refrigerator. Three hours later, award a "Rankest Lunch o'
the Day" trophy.
* Make the guy who's always late eat the smelly lunch for breakfast.
* Lower all the desks to ankle level.
* Post a memo stating that all employees whp haven't erased unliscenced
software on their computers _by last Friday_ will be fired.
* Hastily scribble "Lost: Red-and-black boa constrictor" on the
chalkboard.
* Stage a mock murder for the window washer to "accidently" observe.
* Argue over who invented the Macerena dance, the Wave, and how long
before someone combines them into the MacaWave.
* Pants everyone whose last name starts with "T."
* Leave a fake list of salaries in the copier.
* Cut a lock of hair from people exiting the restroon. Apologize by
saying, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
* Change the coffee to decaf, and watch everyone become really irratible.
* See who can refrain from asking "How was your weekend" the longest.
* Hoard the office supplies and listen in glee as strains of "...a
$5-billion company and I can't even find any damn paper clips..." carry
through the hallways.
* Hold a combo keg chug/limbo contest. The winner receives a promotion.
* Telephone a coworker's spouse at home, claiming you found the employee's
wallet at the strip joint. Throw in "...a little mink oil should take
that right out..." for good measure.
* Call a metting and announce "Listen. This computer thing just isn't
working out. You'll all have typewriters and White Out on your desks
after lunch."
* Walk around claiming you're cookoo for Cocoa Puffs.
* Replace the soda pop in the cafeteria vending machine with live squid.
* Every hour on the hour, scream "Hey Mo!" followed by a low-pitched "nyuk
nyuk."
* Sign your e-mail "Love. stinky."
* Start rumors about the new dress code, "All Fuchsia, all the time."
* Toss the geeky guy's keyboard in the recycle bin. Reassure him it'll be
back as a scratch pad one day.
* Create a "Who's sleeping with Who" office pool.
* Change all screen savers to read "If this cubicle's rocking, don't come
a knockin'."
* Fine anyone who uses the word "opportunity" instead of "problem."
By Mike Carter. Slightly altered.
------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 6 Jan 1997 00:02:58 -0500
From: Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hi, everyone! This is Jim, HUMOR's Traffic Reporter, comin' at you with
the first Report of 1997. (Those of you who use the Julian calendar, that
is...) Every Sunday it is my responsibility to send this Traffic Report to
the Contributors' list, and on the first Sunday of each month, I send it to
the entire HUMOR list. Welcome to January of 1997.
If you are reading these words, but do not have the honor/privilege of
reading them weekly, and would like that honor/privilege (and, by
extension, the honor/privilege of being allowed to contribute your own
brand of HUMOR to the list), you need to take a short exam, and you can do
so by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE. This
command, like all commands to this email address goes in the body of the
text of an email.
If you are receiving unsolicited emails from someone who scans the
listserver for addresses, and would like to conceal your membership,
effectively preventing someone from finding out your exact address, send
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR CONCEAL.
If you're going away for a short while, and don't want HUMOR to pile up
in your mailbox while you're gone, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SET HUMOR NOMAIL. To start it back up again, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
the command SET HUMOR DIGEST if you want to receive HUMOR in Digest format,
or SET HUMOR MAIL if you want it in mail format -- that is, to receive
posts as they are sent to the list, rather than all at once at the end of
the day. (You don't have to be set to NOMAIL to switch between the two of
them...)
If you have any other questions or problems, feel free to email me at
jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html.
Have a great month of January, and may 1997 provide all that you would
hope for.
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 29 December - 4 January
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
29 Sunday 10 12 11 9 7
30 Monday 19 21 22 18 9
31 Tuesday 15 19 24 9 8
1 Wednesday 20 21 16 6 7
2 Thursday 18 27 16 10 10
3 Friday 25 21 15 6 11
4 Saturday 6 8 6 7 11
Averages 16.1 18.4 15.7 9.3 9.0
Subscriptions 9 307 9 374 9 368 9 431 9 594
Countries 89 89 89 89 89
Contributors 839 834 836 835 848
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil, Brunei
Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica,
Croatia, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador,
Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece,
Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran,
Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea,
Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico,
Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern
Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania,
Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Soviet Union,
Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey,
Uganda, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe
Total countries: 89
Email me if your country is not listed here.
And now for my usual/obligatory contribution of humor:
Subject: Performance review <adult, sexual themes>
What three two letter words can best dampen a man's ardor in bed?
-- "Is it in?"
-----
Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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Date: Sun, 5 Jan 1997 21:23:17 -0800
From: Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - American politics, Seattle floods, airlines
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
WARNING - may be offensive to British Royalty, Mexican Americans,
women, men, Dominos pizza chain, dogs, clowns, and people too stupid to
carry a drivers license.
Happy New Year folks - on New Years Eve, Times Square erupted as the
ball came down at midnight. Traditions differ elsewhere. In Washington,
Newt Gingrich stayed up all night waiting for the other show to drop.
Winter storms continue to pounce the Pacific Northwest. It took Seattle
residents two days to realize that the white stuff coming out of the
sky wasn't meant for their cafe lattes.
The President and first lady spent several days after Christmas
returning inappropriate gifts, which is pretty much their routine all
year.
President Clinton's approval rating is now at 60%, an all time high. In
his latest job rating, 65% of women rated him great, 20% said he was
good, and 15% wished he would cuddle more afterward.
The House ethics probe of Newt Gingrich continues. Newt should look at
the bright side. If this keeps up, he can always become speaker of the
Big House.
Queen Elizabeth pronounced ex-Beatle Paul McCartney a knight. The queen
cited his "services to music... with the notable exception of 'Silly
Love Songs'" In response to the news, teenage music lovers all over the
world said, "Who?"
The airline industry expects to see a $4 billion profit in 1996. Most
airlines will pass the good economic news on to passengers - travelers
can expect an extra bag of peanuts.
In Orange County, California, it is being reported that some Mexicans
voted illegally in an Orange County race for Congress. The Spanish
language ballots were even reported to be slanted. Bob Dornan was
listed as "El Gringo Loco".
The Journal of the American Medical Association reports that sex won't
trigger a heart attack, but suggests that the lack of sex might.
Finally, something for men to fake in bed...
The Beavis and Butthead movie marked the biggest December opening in
Hollywood history. Young people love those animated morons. Were
looking good for Quayle-Kaelin in the 2000 election.
To help avoid injuries, the surgeon general recommends that Americans
exercise less vigorously and less often in 1997. In a dramatic display
of patriotism, millions of Americans have pledged to do their part.
Doubletree Hotels will buy Renaissance Hotels for $830 million. It was
supposed to only cost $730 million, but during negotiations the buyers
made a couple of local phone calls.
Domino's Pizza has announced it will open three outlets in Iceland.
Their new guarantee - if the pizza isn't there in 30 minutes, we shhot
the dog.
In Malaysia, a chef is charging $15,000 for a dinner featuring a frozen
shellfish that has been extinct for 20 years. You know, last night I
was at a 7-Eleven, and I saw the same dinner for less than $10.
The International Clown Hall of Fame is moving from Delavan Wisconsin
to Milwaukee. Oddly enough, all 271 employees are expected to arrive in
one Volkswagon.
And finally, most of the articles I post here come from a humor column
in the LA Times, however, this gem comes from the front section...
Jason Jinks, 20, of Bay St. Louis Miss. died of his injuries on
Wednesday, three days after his accident. He was driving his car when
his hat flew out the window. A 14 year old bot who was in the car told
sheriff's deputies that Jinks stopped, put the car in reverse and
backed up at 25 to 30 mph in the dark with the door open. He fell out
after he hit the brakes...
No word on whether the hat was recovered...
That's all folks, hope '97 is better than '96 was...
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Date: Mon, 6 Jan 1997 18:46:48 +1300
From: Jonathan Kerkin <jonathankerkin@UNN.UNISYS.COM>
Subject: the Irishman <ethnic/religious>
Jonathan Kerkin
01/06/97 01:46 AM
There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when
a Priest walks past.
The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try to stop me father, I'm
going to jump."
"Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life
you have yet to live."
"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest.
"That's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well think about your job." says the Priest.
"There's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest.
"Who's that?" asks the Irish man.
"Jump you Protestant bastard." says the Priest.
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Date: Mon, 6 Jan 1997 11:42:44 -0500
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Pastors! <clean,offensive to French,pastors>
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory.
That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner
at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if
there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest
that everything was purely professional ... that she was the housekeeper
and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said,"Father,
ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he
sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy
ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows:
"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the
housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the
housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your
own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
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