Digest for Monday, February 03, 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 612 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- One morning in the German camp.
- Moore on Sex
- Run-On Verse
- "News of the Weird"
- Its A Wacky World
- Hang Time
- TOP TEN SIGNS SPRING TRAINING IS ALMOST HERE
- Real Engineers
- short books
- Groooooaaaaaannn!!!
- Dwarves Joke
- Less Common Latin Phrases (1 of 2)
- Its a dogs life
- Jewish Song (could be off. to Jews)
- Humor:Slide Rules
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 02:04:39 -0500
From: Carol <SKIM@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: One morning in the German camp.<offensive to Jews>
One morning Hitler called all the Jews together in the camp. "Today
we are going to have race, the winner of the race and the one that
finish it last wil be killed immidiately. HANS !!!, let the first
two jews start running".
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 03:12:30 -0500
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Sex <adult humor>
* Concluding his final lecture before the Holidays, the professor
of criminal law observed, "Remember gentlemen, if you have an
affair with a girl under age, with or without her consent, it's
rape; if you have an affair with a girl of age, w/o her consent,
it's still rape. But... if you have an affair with a girl of age,
with her consent, Merry Christmas !"
- - - - -
* While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy
it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected
unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then
quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made
you ask that ?"
"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh,
"It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."
- - - - -
* One morning over coffee, three young secretaries were discussing
the age old fantasy about the kind of man they'd most like to be
stranded on a tropical island with.
"I'd want a man who was a good conversationalist." said the first,
"Because life there could become rather boring."
"Well, that would be nice," said the second young lady, "But I'd
rather have one who could hunt and fish, as well as prepare and cook
whatever it was he caught."
"All so true." said the last, and most practical of the three. "But
personally, I think I'd settle for a top notch obstetrician."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 04:40:07 -0800
From: Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Run-On Verse <inoffensive>
O what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive! wrote Sir Walter Scott
Which leads me to suppose the fact is
We really ought to get more practice. replied Phyllis McGinley
But when we practice quite a while,
How vastly we improve in style! added J. R. Pope
Forget , dear friends, that practice angle!
You'll only tangle up the tangle. concluded Willard Espy
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 07:52:31 -0800
From: Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: "News of the Weird"
>From Chuck Shepherd's "News of the Weird"......
Compelling Explanations....
* In September, Roy T. Moore was convicted of exposing himself
while seated in his car at a gas station in Goderich, Ontario,
despite his explanation that what a witness saw was actually a
half-eaten cookie from a bag he was holding in his lap. The
judge refused to admit the cookie as evidence but did allow
Moore's lawyer to wield a tape measure to illustrate to the
jury the size of the alleged cookie.
* Orlando, Florida, Juvenile Court Judge Walter Komanski was
caught by office workers making printouts of pronography in
the courthouse in October and of keeping pornographic videos
and magazines in an office cabinet. He said that he kept
them at work only because he had teenage boys at home and
that, as a responsible parent, he didn't want them to find
his stash. Also, he said he had surfed Internet sex sites
only to research how to restrict them from his kids. (He
was reasigned to finance cases).
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 09:26:55 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World
Imaginary Museum of the Sardine.
PARIS (AP) -- Do you know who invented the sardine box? Do you care?
Philippe Anginot does both, and he wants to share his expertise with the
world.
On Friday, Anginot, a self-described "sardinologist," opened the Imaginary
Museum of the Sardine, unveiling the secret world of the little fish
underground and in a box.
The museum, in the Mediterranean port town of Sete, features facts about
the sardine and his man-made accouterments, like metal sardine boxes that
open with a key. Hundreds are on display.
There is even a giant box for visitors who would rather be sardines to
crawl inside.
"You can learn what it is to be a sardine in a box, in tomato sauce, in
olive oil," Anginot explained, straight-faced, on French television.
It's no fish story. Anginot really cares. The 40-year-old doctoral student
in ethnology came upon the idea of a sardine museum while writing his
thesis: "The Influence of the Sardine on the Mediterranean Imagination."
Sete, France's premiere sardine port, took interest and donated the town's
old baths to house the museum.
"France is no longer a country, but a conservatory, the obstinate an
fascinated guardian of its own memory," commented the newspaper Le Monde.
"Could we have lived without a sardine museum? Obviously not."
So who invented the sardine box? Pierre-Joseph Colin, of Nantes (1785-1848).
Source: Associated Press
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 08:50:21 -0800
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Hang Time
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your windows in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer until all is calm!
--Author Unknown
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 14:14:20 -0500
From: Ken Wood <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN SIGNS SPRING TRAINING IS ALMOST HERE
TOP TEN SIGNS SPRING TRAINING IS ALMOST HERE
EXTRA INNINGS
The thermostat in the White Sox locker room is still in one piece
Rickey Henderson has a pulled hamstring
It's been a 1/2 year since Detroit lost a game
Wade Boggs starts setting up some road "dates"
Fernando Valenzuela just celebrated his 35th birthday again
I keep a time frame in my head: Spring training is only 2 months after EF's
anniversary
Fernando Valenzuela just celebrated his 35th birthday again
The hospital is booking Lenny Dykstra's back surgery for April 3
Chris Sabo is starting to cork all his bats
There has been a Bob Hamelin sighting
AND FINALLY, HERE'S THE TOP TEN:
10. Dennis Eckersley has stopped visiting his local barber
9. 50,000 no shows every day at Three Rivers already
8. I'm not sure if this is a hint but Steinbrenner's firing people again
7. The Expos total team salary is down to $31.95 ($24 US)
6. Fernando Valenzuela did a sit-up
5. Fresh faces on the Pirate's roster. Oh wait, that's just a sign a new day
is here
4. T-shirts saying "Free Jose Mesa" start appearing in red light districts
all over the country
3. A Chicago White Sox fan has been found dead carrying a pumpkin in his hand
2. Marge Schott throws out the first racial slur of the year
1. The term "high and outside" is used to refer to something other than a
California cancer patient camping in Yosemite
Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1997.
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 10:59:37 +0000
From: F.I. Goldhaber <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Real Engineers <contains references to female bodily funcions>
Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish;
they just never remove it.
Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta
release schedule.
Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they
lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for
Christmas, but use them more than he does.
Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to
stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the
interest of efficiency.
Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles
so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of
Tricuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at
all times, in case they pull an all nighter.
Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so she
can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while
programming.
Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Victoria's Secret because
they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras
before buying them.
Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because
its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement
tools in their science kits.
Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the
same time.
Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when
doing counted cross stitch.
Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even
during labor.
Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up
on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking
the PE exam.
Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between
contractions.
Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide
documentation on how to cut them!)
Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like
to, but they can't!
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 15:40:14 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: short books
>From eckmang@ncr.disa.mil Mon Feb 3 15:39:37 1997
Date: Mon, 03 Feb 97 12:20:29 EST
From: Gwendolyn Eckman <eckmang@ncr.disa.mil>
To: geckman@polaris.umuc.edu
Subject: Short Books
Very Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) Tasty Bile Recipes
21) The Amish Phone Book
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 15:51:50 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Groooooaaaaaannn!!!
OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job is
to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB", "Right, CB" and so on. Well,
one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to
function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist quickly determined
the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a release for his
negative feelings, and say "No."
"But if I said 'no' I'd get fired!" The yes man protested.
The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to the Grand
Canyon and find a ledge off the trail, and there you can yell 'NO!' to your
heart's content and no one will be the wiser."
Well, the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found a
spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt good,
so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! soon he was shouting "NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" at the top of his lungs and feeling great.
He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper
enthusiasm, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and say
"NO!" Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon every weekend the Grand
Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!"
A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release,
but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them seemed to be
taken. He hunted and hunted, but everyplace he found was already taken by
another Yes Man.
Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of its size.
Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said "No." It felt great!
So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!" and in so doing lost his balance
and fell to his death. Which just goes to prove that a little No Ledge can be a
dangerous thing.
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 17:31:54 PST
From: Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Dwarves Joke <adult>
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the
hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their
separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable
to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his
date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room
he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The
first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 19:15:57 -0500
From: Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: Less Common Latin Phrases (1 of 2) <offensive to ancient Romans>
In the "what you need to know but didn't know you needed to know it"
category, I offer the following sent by a friend (first of two parts):
Slightly Less Common Latin Phrases
Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus
Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in
the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad
caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will
fling an enormous rock at your head.
Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.
Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica
Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt
and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti
Couch potato
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Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 09:02:56 -0800
From: Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> It's a dog's life
>>October, 1993--Europa Times
>>
>>
>>"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide
>>dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He
>>just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all."
>>
>>Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd
>>guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of
>>all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record
>>on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off
>>the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway
>>platform just as the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express was approaching, and
>>he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him
>>and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a
>>lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."
>>
>>Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record,
>>Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky
>>nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."
--
Mike R @:-)
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 22:03:11 -0500
From: Marc Gould <MGouldy@AOL.COM>
Subject: Jewish Song (could be off. to Jews)
Here's a good campy camp song:
Wherever you go, there's always someone Jewish;
You're never alone when you say you're a Jew.
So wherever you go, where you're feeling kinda newish,
Odds are, you don't have to look far because they're Jewish, too.
Chorus:
Amsterdam, Disneyland, Tel Aviv,
(Pause) Oh, they're miles apart.
But when we light the candles on Sabbath eve,
We all share the same prayer in each one of our hearts.
Some Jews live in tents and some live in kabodas.
Some Jews pay rent 'cause the city ain't free.
Some Jews live on farms in the hills of Minnesota;
And some wear no shoes and live by the sea.
Chorus:
Some Jews wear hats and some Jews wear sombreros;
And some Jews wear kafias, to keep out the sun.
Some Jews live on rice and some live on potatoes;
And some live on waffles, falafel, or hamburger buns.
Chorus:
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 20:09:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:Slide Rules
Reasons Why a Slide Rule (and Paper Pad)
is Better Than an X Workstation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- A Slide Rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
- One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start
wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.
- A Slide Rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
- A Slide Rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup.
- You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule while
completely submerged in coffee.
- You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire
paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.
- A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over
for lunch or a change of underwear.
- A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel
operations. (Okay, you need a guru for this.)
- You don't get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that fix
current floating point errors while introducing new ones.
- A Slide Rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.
- A Paper Pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be
easily upgraded from monochrome to color.
- Slide Rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture.
- You can hold a Slide Rule at arm's length, to hit the obnoxious
person at the next seat over.
- A Slide Rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations
from hostile adolescents with telephones.
- Additional Paper Pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly
and without needing to reconfigure everything.
- Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster,
cheaper slide rule next month.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . I'r Drunk of Borg.Resilence is floor tile,yer similated
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet
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