Digest for Monday, February 24, 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 559 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Balloons
- Rules For Bedroom Golf
- The Queue
-
- On the beach
- Top 15 Dishes Prepared with Household Pets
- Helpful Children
- fwd: Variation on any Urban Legend
- stupid criminal hall of shame
- Graduate school humor
- First Grade Sex
- Signs Youre Addicted to the Internet
- Koala Bear dines out in the Big Apple
- Wanted!
- Virgin Men ( off to women )
- More oldies
- Queue Again
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 05:25:31 -0500
From: JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Balloons <Adult>
One evening,little Johnny,was with his mother in the bath.
He pointed at his mother's breasts,and asked what it was.
She told him that it's balloons,and when someone will try
to blow it up,she will go in the air,straight to heaven.
About two days later,Johnny ran into the kitchen and screams,
"Mother,mother,come and look.My sister is busy to die."
Why,asked his mother."Because her boyfriend is on top of
her,blowing her balloons,and she's screaming-Oh God,I'm
coming."
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:56:16 +0300
From: DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD <s945986@DPC.KFUPM.EDU.SA>
Subject: Rules For Bedroom Golf <Sick, Sexual implication>
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the course.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the
course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may
result
in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will take the time to admire
the entire course, with special attention paid to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners
have
been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone
else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation.
More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the
case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play a
hole
several times in one match.
15. The course owner is the sole judge of who is the best player. Players
are
advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course.
Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are
subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to
play
several different courses.
e-mail: s945986@dpc.kfupm.edu.sa
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 20:02:44 -0500
From: Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Queue <adult,offensive to lawyers>
In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the
person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are
doing?
"Well," said the guy massaging the back, "you see I'm a chiropractor and I
can't help massaging your back. I can't help practicing my art."
"Are you crazy?" the other guy said, "Look, I'm a lawyer. Am I fucking the
guy in front of me?"
chalapathi :)
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 09:17:08 -0600
From: Mike Lucich <mike_lucich@FIDDLEBACK.SUNSETDIRECT.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Subject: The Immaculate Conception <poss. offensive to blacks/old guys>
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A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely
white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward.
He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says, "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to
show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can
still be fire in the furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both
of the babies are black."
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:20:34 +0000
From: Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: On the beach <adult>
This man is nude sunbathing on the beach when along comes this
little girl. She asks him what the thing is between his legs and
he tells her that it is his little bird and for her to run
along. He then falls asleep again and the next thing he knows is
that he is in a hospital bed with a terrible pain in his groin.
He asks the nurse what on earth happened and she explained that
he was found unconscious on the beach with terrible injuries to
his groin. The nurse asked what was the last thing he remembers
and he tells her of the little girl.
When he recovers he is taken to the beach to see if the little
girl can be found as she may be able to help them work out what
happened.
They eventually find the little girl and ask her if she knows
anything.
The girl says that she knows exactly what happened. She said
that I went back to the man after he had told me about his
little bird and started playing with it. It got much bigger and
then it started spitting at me, so I pulled its neck, broke its
eggs, and burnt its nest!
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 12:04:12 -0500
From: Nathan D Richards <nathanr@K2.ASHPOOL.COM>
Subject: Top 15 Dishes Prepared with Household Pets
The Top 15 Dishes Prepared with Household Pets
15> Angelfish Cake
14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye
13> Chow Chow Mein
12> Bran Muffy
11> Eggs BenjiDict
10> Yorkieshire pudding
9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs
8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
7> Shrimp Cockatiel
6> Fettucine AlFido
5> Chicken Poodle Soup
4> Turtlellini
3> Lhasa Thermidor
2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
and the Number 1 Dish Prepared with Household Pets...
1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 11:21:33 -0700
From: Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Helpful Children
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful
but it only makes your life more complicated? For example:
A mother was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter
wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows
and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then
she showed up with a surprise cup of tea.
Why, you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank
the tea. "I didn't know you even knew how to make tea."
Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I learned by watching
you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the
water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup.
But I couldn't find the strainer, so I used the flyswatter
instead."
"You what?" the mother screamed.
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom, I didn't
use the new flyswatter; I used the old one."
* * * * * * *
-- told by James Dobson in his book "Home With a Heart"
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:01:34 -0500
From: Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: fwd: Variation on any Urban Legend <don't eat while reading>
from Jonathan Hayward, posted on usenet:
Okay, everyone... a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A.
Thought y'all might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet justice,
if it can be called that.
On a whim, I decided to visit Hormel's main plant, and, after a tour, we
were allowed to taste samples of their various products. And there was
one... I don't think that words can describe how it tasted. It was a meat
product, but to call it meat would not do it justice. The memory of the
taste brings tears to my eyes.
I like to cook in my spare time, so I asked the tour guide if they could
give me the recipe. She frowned, and said, "I'm afraid not." Well, I
said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes."
I asked how much, and she responded, "Two-fifty." I said with approval,
just add it to my tab.
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Hormel and it was
$285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for a couple
of tins, and about $20.00 for an anti-nauseant. As I glanced at the bottom
of the statement, it said, "Recipe -- $250.00." Boy, was I upset! I
called Hormel's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was
"two-fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a recipe. I asked
them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were
sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone
could duplicate any of our delicacies... the bill would stand.
I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my
money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going
to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it
that every gourmet will have a $250.00 recipe from Hormel for nothing. She
replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the
only way I feel I could get even," and I will.
So, here it is, and please pass it on to someone else or run a few
copies... I paid for it; now you can have it for free. (Trust me; this
recipe is so good that you will want to make as much as you can at once,
which is why I list so much. This may be doubled, of course):
1 pig carcass (all parts that are technically digestible but
can't be used for any other purpose, even hot dogs)
1 gallon castor oil
1 salt lick
1 gallon vomit
16 lbs recycled plastic
The cooking technique is simple. Use a blender, branch shredder, or
anything else handy to shred the carcass, salt, and plastic; mix evenly in
a sufficiently large container. There are a variety of ways to cook it; in
experimenting, I have found the best option to be slow boiling in motor
oil. But the specific method of cooking doesn't matter much; with such an
extraordinary combination of ingredients, nobody will know the difference.
When it is cooked, compress it into small tins (at Hormel, it came in dark
blue tins with four large white or yellow letters -- I won't specify which
four letter word, because there are some people who find it to be more
obscene and offensive than a certain crude word for sex), and open and
enjoy at leisure. You don't need to worry about it spoiling; bacteria
won't touch it, and at any rate there is a specific reason why it _can't_
go bad. Makes at least 112 tins.
Have fun!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story. That's it.
Please, pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists,
etc...
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:52:08 -0500
From: Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: stupid criminal hall of shame<offensive to criminals>
-- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] --
Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain
still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain
. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard
cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all
the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--
leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs
official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The
customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was
found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that
he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere
in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through
a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He
then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2)
he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3)
he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for
help ...
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly
got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator
was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the
refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to
realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled- leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer
? Fifteen dollars.
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 16:13:36 EST
From: Martha E. Frantz <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Graduate school humor
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city
park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 17:14:51 EST
From: Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: First Grade Sex <adult>
A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex
with his
teacher.
Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son,
"I was
a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I'm proud of you
son.
You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long. I'm going to
take
you out and buy it for you today."
His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go
tomorrow.
My ass is still sore."
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 19:24:48 -0500
From: Mark J. Scheller <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Signs You're Addicted to the Internet
The Top 17 Signs You're Addicted to the Internet:
17 Any campground without a T1 line is OFF your vacation itinerary.
16 Wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food.
15 I.V. stand next to your mini tower.
14 Choice between paying Compuserve bill and paying for kids education is
easy -- if a little painful for your kids.
13 Your big pickup line is, "Haven't we met on alt.top5.addict?"
12 Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
11 You send in your jokes@esosoft.com submissions while in the air over
Oregon.
10 You hire a housekeeper for your home page.
9 New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.
8 Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
7 AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.
6 You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.
5 Your family conducts an intervention via e-mail and checks you into
www.bettyford.com.
4 You rig your toilet to alert you if you receive any new mail while
you're "offline."
3 You speak in a monotone voice and call your wife "Friday."
(Oops! That's a Sign You're Addicted to Dragnet!)
2 You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the *afternoon*.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Addicted to the Internet...
1 You're reading THIS, aren't you?
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 20:13:23 EST
From: Donald E. Chesnel <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Koala Bear dines out in the Big Apple
A Koala Bear enters a very fine New York City restaurant. After
consuming an excellent meal, the bear calls the waiter to the table,
pulls out a gun, shoots him between the eyes and leaves the
establishment.
The police are called to investigate. One of the cops interviews the
restaurant manager and remarks that this is a very strange case. The
manager says, "Well actually, it's quite common in some parts of the
world". He then flips open a dictionary and points to an entry:
KOALA (noun) Small lovable marsuptial, native to Australia. Eats shoots
and leaves.
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Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 18:02:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Wanted!
WANTED
A reward of 5,000 MICROFARADS is offered for information leading to the
arrest of hop-a-long CAPACITY. This UNRECTIFIED criminal escaped from a
WESTON PRIMARY CELL where he had been clapped in IONS. He is CHARGED
with the INDUCTION of an 18 TURN COIL named MILLIE HENRY, who was found
CHOKED and is a POTENTIAL killer. He is also accused of driving a D.C.
MOTOR over the WHEATSTONE BRIDGE and refusing to let the BAND PASS. the
ELECTROMOTIVE FORCE spent the night searching for him in a MAGNETIC FIELD
where he had gone to EARTH. They had no success and now believe that he
has returned OHM via a SHORT CIRCUIT. He was last seen with a friend EDDY
CURRENT, riding a KILOCYCLE. EDDY was playing a HARMONIC.
CHARGES against him are filed under OHMS LAW.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . Mirth Control: Proper use of a conundrum.
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 08:45:26 +0500
From: Jahanzeb A. Khan <jazi@KHI.COMPOL.COM>
Subject: Virgin Men ( off to women )
Q. Why do women like to have sex with virgin men?
A. Because for ONCE in their lives they want to feel IN CONTROL!
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 00:08:09 -0500
From: Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: More oldies <off. to woman and dog owners. adult content>
Q: What do you do with a dog that has no legs ?
A: Take him out for a drag.
---------
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: "Stand back , I don't know how big this thing gets."
----------
Have you heard about the deaf gynecologist?
He had to learn to read lips.
----------
Q: How do you know when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts her ankles swell.
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 12:18:12 -0500
From: Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Queue Again <clean,off. to mothers-in-law>
When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe
asked the man,
"Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"How?"
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
chalapathi :)
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