Digest for Tuesday, February 25, 1997
There are 20 messages totalling 814 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Internet Story
- YOU HAVE BEEN ON LINE: may be offensive to Steve Case
- Intelligence(offensive to ethnics)
- off to British
- Cloning Sheep
- Sheep cloning (risque, off to Scots)
- Top 15 Potential Problems With Cloning Humans
- Internet Junkie Quiz
- improper postings
- dan quale
- Gremlins Attach Reebok Marketing Mavins
- What do you call a guy...
- Sunday Drive. (off. to almost everyone)
- Have you ever wondered?
- A week in Hell
- The perfect day according to Mark
- JOKE: PG Rated
- Polish Jokes Part 1/3
-
- Sorry for no subject
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 07:58:27 -0500
From: Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Internet Story <adult theme>
I got this from a friend.
Is this true, I don't know but wouldn't it be a bad, bad thing?
An anonymous girl lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending
school in Colorado, like all college students, she is wrapped up in the
partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the
computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do
on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working
her but off designing computer programs and installing software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was
home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had
been dating. She was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a
new homepage. She was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a
chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex
line. So Jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on
it. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she
started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was
"Katie" and started getting into detail about what she would like to do
to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being
naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they
were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the
line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with Jeremy
again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this
for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other
things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became
close, exchanging their lives, Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in
college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college
girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this
guy. This went on the two of them like this for months, and months
turned into a year. By the end of the year they had exchanged the most
intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. They
were afraid of ruining the mystery. They had done everything sexually
possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the
day that they could some day be together. They finally decided they had
had enough. They wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they
had to meet. They didn't care about age or looks or anything but each
other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was
weary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly
she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with.
so...they planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were going to
spend the weekend together and finally meet. Jen didn't want the hassle
of having to find him, so she said, why don't you just get the room and
we'll meet in the room that way there will be no mistake. Jeremy
agreed.
Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room
telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went
into the room. She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles,
put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the
covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The time soon
came, the lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the
door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner and she
whispered, "Jeremy". Jeremy said, "Katie?" (this was the false name she
had given him.) Yes she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it
on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around
the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and
with her most humiliating voice said, "dad?" and Jeremy said, "JEN!!!"
think of what you would do in this situation...
now realize this really did happen.
their lives will never be the same.
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 13:01:20 GMT
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: YOU HAVE BEEN ON LINE: may be offensive to Steve Case
For those of you not on AOL - they have recently started putting up a
message when you've been online for 46 minutes making sure you are
really there and active.
1 You have been online for 46 minutes.
Do you want to stay online?
Please respond within 10 min.
or you will be logged off.
2 You have been online for 135 minutes.
Not to put any pressure on you, but there ARE other people in
the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some sorry
consideration for our fellow members and sign off, whaddya
say?
3 You DO realize that you've been online for 184 minutes, right?
When was the last time you went outside?
4 OK. This is getting ridiculous.
Frankly, you're starting to piss us off! If you sign off now,
we'll bring back your Buddy List OK? Yep, Finally
5 You have been online for 360 minutes now!!
We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just
finish up NOW and go read a good book?
6 You have been online for 467 minutes.
Do you remember your family members' names ?
7 You have been online for 513 minutes.
Your husband has left you and your dog is starving.
Do you wish to remain online?
8 You have been online 724 minutes.
Steve Case is coming personally to your
house to yank the phone cord....
9 You have been online 852 minutes,
do you KNOW how many HOURS that is???"
10 You have been online for 921 minutes.
Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour
about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL
receives 9.21 lawsuits per day due to busy phone lines?
Please sign-off to reduce these averages, or go to keyword:
CLASS ACTION to join a lawsuit.
11 You have been online for 967 minutes.
When AOL went unlimited they didn't think you would take it
literally. No get the H*ll off before we go broke!
12 You have been on 1,013 minutes. This is Steve I need to sign
on m'self and answer some mail. Could you please sign off?
Thanks!
13 You have been cybering for 1059 minutes, didn't your mom ever tell
you that'd make you go blind?
Please sign off now while you can still read this message.
14 You have been on 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in
shifts? Geez click ok already!!!
15 You have been on 1151 minutes, welcome to our team...
see job application enclosed. ( if you can't beat em hire em )
but don't return by email.
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 08:11:40 -0500
From: Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Intelligence(offensive to ethnics)
Well,it seems one thime there were these three ethnics, two were digging the
ditch, while the other was the official supervisor.
After a while, one of the ethnics who was digging said to the other, "Rastus,
why we'uns doin' the diggin' while he's up dere supvisin'? We's jest as
ethnic as he is!"
Rastus says, "I dunno, Ezekial, ah's been tryin' to figger why dat is, too.
Ah's gwine find out."
So Rastus goes over to the supervisor and asks " We's wantin' to know why
you'se up heah supvisin' while we's down dere digging the ditch. You's sho
'nuff as ethnic as we is."
So the supervisor says, "That's because Ah has Intelligence!"
"Intelligence?" says Rastus. "What's that?"
So the supervisor walks over to a tree and places his hand against it and
says to Rastus,"Here, hit my hand."
Well, Rastus hauls off and strikes a mighty blow. Of course , the supervisor
had removed his hand at the last second, and Rastus nearly broke his hand
hitting the tree.So Rastus says" Boy, youse right- you really does gots
Intelligence- you should be the Boss."
Then Rastus goes back to the ditch, where Ezekial asks him what he found out,
and Rastus replies, "He's up dere 'cause he's gots Intelligence."
"Intelligence?" Ezekial asks. "What's that?"
With a wide grin, and a knowing expression on his face, Rastus holds his hand
up in front of his face and says, "Here, hit my hand."
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 08:26:20 -0600
From: Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: off to British
>>> Insurance Against "Virgin Birth by Act of God"
Source: Sydney Morning Herald
Submitted by: Captain Papineau - papineau@1cdndiv.kingston.net
LONDON (02-14) - Approximately 300 women purchased insurance
against a virgin birth by act of God.
Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson, an insurer broker, sells the
policies for $210 a year. "So far we've had everyone from 18-year-olds
to pensioners taking out the policy, but I don't anticipate very many
successful claims," said Managing Director Simon Burgess.
The broker also offers insurance against impregnation by an alien.
"You can never underestimate the stupidity of the British public,"
Burgess added.
-------------------------
***This message was printed with recycled electrons***
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 08:43:46 -0600
From: John West <jwwest@UALR.EDU>
Subject: Cloning Sheep <off to Mississipians>
With the cloning of sheep, people in Mississippi have found
another use for sheep.
It's called wool.
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 08:53:54 -0600
From: D. B. Christian <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: Sheep cloning (risque, off to Scots)
Since it was the Scots who cloned sheep, I thought I'd repost this one...
Why do Scots wear kilts?
them sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
David Christian, MA (aka Bjorn)
Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian
UofNoDak Grand Forks ND
If God hadn't wanted me to be uptight...why would there be coffee and
graduate school?
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 10:56:08 -0500
From: Nathan D Richards <nathanr@K2.ASHPOOL.COM>
Subject: Top 15 Potential Problems With Cloning Humans
The Top 15 Potential Problems With Cloning Humans
15> Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's
commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets.
14> Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s)
13> Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of
Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to
have dire consequences.
12> In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0)
has all the money on the entire planet.
11> Hillary's husband discovers true multiple orgasms.
10> If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the
money!" on every occasion now, just wait.
9> Rush Limbaugh takes his self-affection to a whole new level,
and suddenly is IN FAVOR of same-sex marriages.
8> "Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller
& Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee.
7> And you think it's hard to find your size now!
6> 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford
clones.
5> "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones.
4> And the final score: the New York Gretzkys - 408, the
Pittsburgh Lemieuxs - 399.
3> Can no longer count on the Grim Reaper to get Jesse Helms out
of office.
2> Those apocalyptic words: "Ladies & Gentlemen: The John Tesh
Philharmonic Orchestra!"
and the Number 1 Potential Problem With Cloning Humans...
1> Seventeen Mark Fuhrmans, and suddenly OJ's defense doesn't
seem quite as far-fetched.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 11:37:40 -0700
From: Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Internet Junkie Quiz
Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet?
Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure
to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to
the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's
Reality Test.
Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your
score to see if you should be concerned:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.
2. What's a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.
3. Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day :-)
4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.
5. What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.
6. To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.
7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!
8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.
9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.
10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I'm Jane!
b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.
11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What's your star sign?
c) What's your Profile?
12. If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What's your E-mail address?
c) Let's chat Private.
13. When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!
14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don't need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.
15. When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.
16. When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?
17. Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.
18. You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.
19. You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.
20. To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.
SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for
each "b" and 10 for each "c".
If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log
more hours in real life.
If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix
of Net and reality.
If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
----------------------------------------------------------------
BONUS HUMOR:
Obee One at the dinner table: "Luke, may the Forks be with you."
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 13:43:31 -0600
From: March L. Warn <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: improper postings
Am I the only one who gets annoyed when certain people continue to post
to ALL RECEPIENTS instead of to the list server? I am getting more and
more e-mail being sent directly to me which should have been posted to
the list server instead. While some of it IS funny, it creates a huge
backlog of material to sort through. Would it be too much to ask that
everyone review the rules for posting material to the list?
(requisit humor) Mark Twian's habit of swearing was revolting to his
wife, who tried her best to cure him of it. One day, while shaving, he
cut himself. He recited his entire vocabulary and when he was finished,
his wife repeated every word he had said. Mark Twain stunned her by
saying calmly: "You have the words, dear, but you don't know the tune."
Returning control of your terminal to you.
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 16:18:04 -0500
From: Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: dan quale <offensive to dan quale>
-- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] --
Some historians say Dan Quayle really wasn't that bad. Well, here are a
list of quotes that I have gathered from several of his speeches... Now,
you decide.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where
there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has
a job next year."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 16:33:10 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Gremlins Attach Reebok Marketing Mavins
On the Importance of a Sound Classical Education for Marketing
Mavins by Jim Mica
Right off I'll admit that the fancy sneaker industry is
not my choice for any awards for morality in business. An outfit
like Reebok pays some poor woman in a third-world country a buck
or so to assemble a pair of shoes which they will then sell for
more than 50 bucks. And, it's not that I think they are making
an obscene profit on the shoes. What bother's me is that the
rest of their "production cost" goes to creating a demand for
$50, $75 or $100-plus gym shoes. The hype they generate is said
to be so all-pervasive that teenagers have killed one another for
their shoes. Almost diabolic, you might say.
Last week Richard Lorant of the Associated Press
reported the following:
"Here's an idea: name a women's running shoe after the
mythical demon Incubus who had sex with women in their sleep."
According to a company source, Reebok's people came up
with the name back in 1995, made sure it wasn't patented, stuck
it on the boxes of "53,000 shoes", but never bothered to look it
up in the dictionary.
I'd be happy to pick on Reebok some more, but it's time
for me to put on my Succubus(TM) jogging shoes and get some
exercise in for the day.
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Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 00:09:39 +0400
From: Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: What do you call a guy... <Couple of adult one-liners>
...who loves working out?
Jim
...who swings from tree to tree and loves working out?
Jungle Jim
...who loves being walked on?
Matt
...with a spade up his arse?
Doug
...without a spade up his arse?
Douglas
...who can't swim, but just floats there?
Bob
...with 20 rabbits up his arse?
Warren
...who's too poor for a hair cut?
Harry
...who hates planes?
Sam
...who's 350 pounds, 6'11'' and shows you a 12'' dick?
Anything he wants you to call him.
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 14:26:05 -0800
From: Howard, Dan <howardd@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Sunday Drive. (off. to almost everyone)
Why is Sunday the best day to go for a drive?
Because....
The Protestants are asleep,
The Catholics are in church,
The Jews are in Palm Springs,
The Blacks are in jail, and
The Mexicans can't get their cars started.
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 18:55:25 -0500
From: Mark J. Scheller <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Have you ever wondered?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special
Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 18:59:24 EST
From: Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A week in Hell <adult; off to homosexuals>
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you
get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already
dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.
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Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 08:01:00 +1000
From: Roland, Andrew J <ARoland@NCRPBILL.TELSTRA.COM.AU>
Subject: The perfect day according to Mark <not offensive to anyone>
I forwarded the 'Perfect Day' contribution that was recently posted to a
friend Mark Jacobs and this is the response I got from him.
The Perfect Day According to Mark
8.45 Don't wake up
9.00 Still don't wake up
9.30 Still don't wake up
11.00 Half wake due to self snoring, fall back to sleep
12.00 Still asleep
1.30 Still asleep
2.30 Start to wake up
3.00 Still waking up
7.00 Awake
10.00 Eat lots of tuna (mmmmm fishy smell, what does that remind him
of??)
11.00 More Sleep
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Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 17:45:55 -0800
From: Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: JOKE: PG Rated
================= Begin forwarded message =================
From: xanadu1@erols.com (Bella and Dave)
To: "Mailing List": ;
Subject: The Daily Laff-a-Lot Chronicle Vol 22 2/25
Date: Tue, 25 Feb
Technology Achievements
Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and
AMD, in case you didn't recognize one (or
more?!) of the names) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the
serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise
suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my
emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need
to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins
talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he
notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new
emergency communication system. I have an earpiece
built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way,
I can a take a call anywhere." The others nod,
and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts
beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency
beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps
his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When
he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains,
"I also have an emergency communication system. But
my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is
actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a
thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at
him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."
--
As Per US Code, Title 47, Chapter 5,Subchapter II 227
Unsolicited commercial advertising is NOT Welcome here
Mark Panitz
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Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 09:43:30 -0500
From: Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Polish Jokes Part 1/3 <clean,offensive to the Polish>
* An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the
Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind
towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years,
_but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, the Germans come to release their
prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out
totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out
rather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes out and
says, "Has anyone got a light?"
* A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first
day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second
day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a
mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem
was. The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther
and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
chalapathi :)
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Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 00:13:12 -0500
From: Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: <No subject given>
Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick?
A: Because he can reach it.
------------
When a guy is really a man he rolls his own cigarettes.
How do you know when a woman is butch?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
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Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 00:22:27 -0500
From: Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Sorry for no subject
I just want to say to all the readers I'm very sorry that my joke
had no subject or warning. It was not intensional , it was a typing
mistake. It won't happen again.
Sorry Mister Randall Sir.
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