Digest for Sunday, March 02, 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 381 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Engineers Poem
- Cultural Difference Explained
- you are going to die
- Vermont humor
- prospective employees
- Polish Joke #518
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- Cleanliness
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Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 11:26:31 +0300
From: DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD <s945986@DPC.KFUPM.EDU.SA>
Subject: Engineer's Poem <maybe off. to engineers>
I read this poem from a friend, few days ago. I hope it was not posted on
humor before. As an engineering student, I liked it verymuch, and I
prosume that it might be funny for those who even have no relation to
engineering.
An Engineer's Poem
I was alone and all was dark
Beneath me and above
My life was full of volts and amps
But not the spark of love
But now that you are here with me
My heart is overjoyed
You turn the square of my heart
Into a sinusoid
You load things from my memory
Onto my system's bus
My life was once assembly code
Now it's C++
I love the way you solder things
My circuits you can fix
The voltage across your diode is
much more then just point six
With your amps and resistors
You have built my integrator
I cannot survive without you
You are my function generator
You have charged my life,
increased my gain And made my math discreet
And now I'll end my poem here
Control, Alt, and Delete
e-mail: s945986@dpc.kfupm.edu.sa
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Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 16:34:32 +0530
From: Devesh Agarwal <jesons@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: Cultural Difference Explained <few adult words>
>From my brother Nikhi in the U.S.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and
rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing
baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say
in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers
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Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 09:00:12 -0500
From: Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: you are going to die <not offensive>
-- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] --
>A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor's office for a check-up.
>After the procedure is done, doctor comes out to talk with her and says:
>"If you don't want your husband to die, follow these directions to the
>letter:
>1) In the morning, make him a good and hearty breakfeast, make sure that
>he leaves for work in a good mood
>2)When he comes home for lunch, make him a good meal, make sure he feels
>appreciated, and make sure that he is happy when he goes back to work
>3) When he comes home after work, dinner must be especially good, and
>after dinner dont let him do any chores, let him watch TV and relax.
>4) Have sex with him at least three times a week (more if he wants to)
>and make sure he is satisfied.
>If you do all that I have just said he'll be just fine."
>
>So when she goes home, her husband asks: "What did doctor say to you?"
>and she replies:
>
> "YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!"
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Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 09:28:02 -0500
From: Sarah W. Soderlund <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Vermont humor
A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been
before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence;
cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared
land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his
fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.
Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and
at great length, at all that "you and God have done together."
"Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it
on his own."
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Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 20:49:38 -0500
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: prospective employees
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees.
+A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
+Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to
the interviewer and the music at the same time.
+Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
+Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
+Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the
interviewer.
+Candidate said he never finished high school because he was
kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
+Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few
minutes later wearing a headpiece.
+Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty
by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
+Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice
on how to answer specific interview questions.
+Candidate brought large dog to interview.
+Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed
standing up.
+Candidate dozed off during interview.
---
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual"
questions that have been asked by job candidates.
+"What is it that you people do at this company?"
+"What is the company motto?"
+"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
+"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
+"Why do you want references?"
+"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
+"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
+"Will the company move my rock collection from California to
Maryland?"
+"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
+"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
+"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
+"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
+"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
+"Why am I here?"
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Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 21:23:36 EST
From: Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Polish Joke #518 <adult; off. to Poles>
Three Polish guys go out on the town, looking for a good time.
The first looses no time in picking up a cute brunette, and they
disappear off to her place. The second soon finds a willing
redhead and they check into a motel across the street. The third
eyes an attractive blonde and asks if she wants to come back to
his apartment and have a wild time. "I'd love to" she says, "but
I'm on my menstural cycle." 'That's all right" says the Pole,
"I rode my moped."
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Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 21:08:40 -0500
From: Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hi, everyone! This is Jim, with this week's Traffic Report. Every week I
send this report to the contributors, and on the first Sunday of each
month, I send a condensed version to the list. (So to speak, depending on
how long my introduction is...)
There are now more than ten thousand people (officially. Unofficially, I
suspect that it's been more than that for a while now) reading these words.
Welcome aboard to all of the new people. If you haven't already done so,
you are invited to join the ranks of those privileged to contribute to the
list. For more information, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET
HUMOR GUIDE. (Even if you don't want to become a contributor, the GUIDE is
a good thing to have to help get the hang of using the listserver to your
advantage.) It's also available on our website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html
An issue that has come up several times in the past couple of months --
and I feel obligated to address -- is that HUMOR does not discourage you
from sending an email to a contributor to offer your position on what he or
she has said on the list. (This is especially true if you liked it.) I do
want to warn anyone who is offended by the content of a post, however, that
voicing your offense to the poster may only serve to build an animosity
between you and the person who offended you. This is not to say that you
may be wrong in taking offense to something, but rather that you should
exercise the same caution in voicing your offense as you would with someone
who offended you to your face, but you otherwise do not know.
Most of all, though, sit back, relax, enjoy what is said on HUMOR, and
don't take anything *too* seriously. If you have any questions, feel free
to email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn or visit HUMOR's website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html.
I'll see y'all either next week (if you're a contributor) or next month
(if you're not and won't become one in the next month...)
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 23 February - 1 March
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
23 Sunday 19 14 14 9 9
24 Monday 14 15 16 11 17
25 Tuesday 18 14 17 14 20
26 Wednesday 18 9 13 15 16
27 Thursday 17 15 20 18 16
28 Friday 14 12 15 17 14
1 Saturday 15 14 13 13 12
Averages 16.4 13.3 15.4 13.9 14.9
Subscriptions 9 812 9 893 9 947 10 119 10 229
Countries 92 94 94 94 94
Contributors 810 821 824 827 820
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Belize, Brazil, Brunei
Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa
Rica, Croatia, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El
Salvador, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain,
Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia,
Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya,
Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia,
Malta, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New
Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland,
Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South
Africa, Soviet Union, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland,
Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab
Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe
Total countries: 94
Email me if your country is not listed here.
And now for my obligatory sample of humor:
Subject: Generic Ethnic Joke <offensive to whichever ethnic group you choose>
[NOTE: Please fill in the blank with whichever ethnic group you love to hate]
When the _________ woman answered her front door, it was only to hear the
sorry tidings, shouted through the crack of the open door, that her husband
had been killed. "And that's not the worst of it, Ma'am," said the
foreman. "He was run over by a steamroller."
"I'm in my bathrobe," said the new widow. "Could you slip him under the
door?"
-----
Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 09:40:45 -0500
From: Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Cleanliness <adult,disgusting>
A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for
lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the
rest room.
He was told that it's around the back of the building he heads
through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to
discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall
that reads,
'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this
hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention'
So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole.
On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in
either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger
poking through.
The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts
sucking on his finger....
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