Special Digest #1 for Tuesday, March 04, 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 333 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Fred n Marva
- Annoying Laws
- Yet one more OJ joke....
- Identity Crisis (such language!)
- History of computers part 2
- Russamer?
- Polish Jokes -Concluding Part
- Damn Yankee
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Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 16:46:16 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <wayne@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Fred 'n Marva <Offensive to Parkinson's sufferers>
Fred and Marva have been married for almost 50 years. Unfortunately failing
health has led the family to put them in a senior's home. Marva, always
cuddly, had the habit of holding Fred's dick while watching TV or just
sitting idly. Sometimes this could last for hours.
One night Fred didn't show up in the lounge. A few hours went by before
Fred finally showed up. Marva was infuriated and asked Fred where he was.
Fred: "I was upstairs watching TV with Mary."
Marva: "What does Mary have that I don't have?!"
Fred: "Parkinson's
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Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 16:44:25 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Annoying Laws
ANNOYING LAWS:
1. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
2. Success usually occurs in private, but
failure takes place in full view.
3. Checks take two weeks to clear unless you have
insufficient funds; then they clear overnight.
4. If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
5. The hardness of the butter is in direct
proportion to the softness of the bread.
6. Virtue is its own punishment.
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Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 15:28:54 -0800
From: Howard, Dan <howardd@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Yet one more OJ joke....
So this guy gets on the freeway the other day and traffic comes to
an abrupt halt. Looking through the lanes ahead, he sees some kind
of commotion and it appears theres a body lying in the road.
After a few minutes, a California Highway patrolman comes up to his
car. "What's going on up there?" inquires the motorist.
"Oh, it's OJ Simpson. He's lying across the lanes and refuses to move."
"He's so broke that he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and
torch himself until we take up a collection."
"Oh my!" responds the driver, "Hell, I'll donate, how much have you
gotten so far?"
At this point the patrolman holds up a gas can and says, "Oh, about
a half a gallon so far."
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Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 15:31:06 PST
From: Tim Bowden <tcbowden@CLOVIS.NERDNOSH.ORG>
Subject: Identity Crisis (such language!)
It had taken the youngster a week to work up the nerve to
approach the medicine man. When the old one noticed him,
he just waited.
"Tell me, how do you find names?"
for the medicine man was the one who the spirits showed
how each newborn should be called. And so he replied:
"I fast for two days, spend two days in the sweat lodge,
then I go into the hills, and if I see an eagle soar
beyond the canyon, the new one will be Canyon Eagle, and
if I see the wolves in the brook, the young one will be
Wolf Drink, and if I see spirits move in clouds....
...but why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
mailto:tcbowden@ix.netcom.com - proud member of the
wonderful high-wired Canterbury Choir - Nerdnosh!
Send: subscribe nerdnosh - mailto:majordomo.story.nerdnosh.org
"..tales told by writers in a reader neighborhood.."
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Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 08:53:58 -0800
From: Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> History of computers part 2
Whoops! Two messages on the same day yesterday - caught out by the time
difference. I'd forgotten that the Americas are 'behind the times' :).
The remainder of the second of yesterday's message is below (PS to HUMOR
police: it's already Wednesday here)
Over the next few years, Microsoft continued to come out with new
improved, versions of MS-DOS, featuring a constantly expanding
repertoire of incomprehensible and/or scary screen messages, including:
B:
NON-SYSTEM DISK OR DISK ERROR
INVALID SWITCH
PATH NOT FOUND
WARNING! ALL DATA WILL BE LOST!
And just about everybody's all-time favorite:
ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?
We loyal Microgeeks faithfully upgraded every time a new version came
out, until finally, somewhere around Version 3.7, we had reached the
point where we could use MS-DOS to actually run programs on our
computers, and Bill Gates had reached the point where he had
pproximately 217 personal jet airplanes.
I should point out that, while all this [MS-DOS masochism] was going
on, there was another kind of computer developing, in a parallel
universe. This was the Apple, and it operated on an entirely different
concept, which was: A regular human could use it. You simply turned it
on, and immediately, just like that, you could do stuff with it. It had
little pictures on the screen, and a little mouse that made a pointer
move to the picture you wanted; even a child could understand this. For
many years, while we MS-DOS people were typing insanely obscure
instructions like:
dir c:\abcproj\docs\lttrs\sales\apr\*.*
The Apple people were simply aiming their little mouse pointers at
little pictures and going click. In short, the Apple was far easier to
use. So the vast majority of us serious computer users rejected it. As
I noted in the introduction, the main reason we have computers is so we
can be tormented by them. We don't want some wussy user-friendly
computer: We want a challenge.
That's why, to this very day, Apple is not considered by us cyberwonks
to be a truly serious computer. It is viewed as a computer that is
popular mainly with your flaky or artsy-fartsy type of individual --
your artist, your poet, your beatnik, your flower-arranger, your heroin
addict, your Barry Manilow. We serious users pride ourselves on
wrestling with openly hostile computers that are running on an operating
system from the proud, incomprehensible Microsoft tradition. That
operating system, of course, is Windows.
As I write these words, the computer world is still reverberating with
the excitement surrounding the introduction of Windows 95, which
replaced Windows Version 3.11, which replaced Windows 3.1, which
replaced Windows Version 3.0, and so on backward to the original Windows
Version 1.0, which did nothing except put a colorful Windows logo on the
screen along with a message that said OUT OF MEMORY.
Windows 95 represented a major step forward in the sense that it was
virtually nothing like any of the earlier Windows versions and nobody
had any idea how to use it. Naturally it was hugely popular. Everybody
wanted it; Microsoft was getting bulk orders from rainforest-dwelling
tribes that didn't even have electricity.
Nevertheless, there are certain basic computer terms that you need to
try to familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to purchase a
computer, you don't sound like just some random putz. Instead, you'll
sound like a specific putz who memorized some terms out of a book.
HARDWARE
This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer
on it.
SOFTWARE
These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE by sticking them
through the little SLOT. The function of the software is to give
instructions to the CPU, which is a set of three initials inside the
computer that rapidly processes billions of tiny facts, called BYTES,
and within a fraction of a second sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that
requires you to call the CUSTOMER SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on HOLD
for approximately the life span of a CARIBOU. Software is usually
accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that
nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the
"manuals" shipped with software products have actually been copies of
Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on.
MEGAHERTZ
This is a really, really big hertz.
RAM
This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM." The unit of measurement
for RAM is the "MEG," which stands for a certain amount of RAM." The
function of RAM is to give guys a way of deciding whose computer has the
biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because
with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the
faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're
a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. BILL GATES currently has over 743
billion "megs" of RAM, and he still routinely feels the need to stuff a
ZUCCHINI in his UNDERWEAR.
You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to "interface"
with computer experts. For example, if you're purchasing a new
computer, you want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that
store personnel will realize that they're dealing with a person who has
a high level of technical
expertise:
STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you?
YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the
"megahertz."
STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This is a
supermarket.
YOU: Let me see your "zucchini."
--
Mike Robertshaw @:-) MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK
Tel.: (852) 27686802 Fax: (852) 27891170
Open Learning Institute of Hong Kong, 30 Good Shepherd St, Kowloon, Hong
Kong
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Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 20:42:38 -0600
From: Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: Russamer?
What was that 15 pages of crap sent to all of us?
***This message was printed with recycled electrons***
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Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 10:33:05 -0500
From: Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Polish Jokes -Concluding Part<clean,offensive to the Polish>
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered
flashlight.
Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping
mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the
escalators for 4 hours.
A group of Italians (or whatever) and a group of Poles heard that the
telephone company was looking for people so they went and applied.
The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone
so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of
the day they reported back on how they had done. The Italian team had
installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians
were hired but the Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated
because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the
ground.
chalapathi :)
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Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 18:43:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Damn Yankee
You might be a Damn Yankee if...
1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5) You don't know what a moon pie is.
6) You've never had grain alcohol.
7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've see
are on road trips.
10) You have no idea what a polecat is.
11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it
goes over your head.
12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13) You don't have bangs.
14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of
the same prep school in Connecticut.
16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.
17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a
gun-and-knife show.
20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football
coach.
21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the
house.
22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at
Neiman Marcus.
25) You call binoculars "opera glasses."
26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side
of the road and stopping.
27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28) You don't know what applique is.
29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place
within the context of a football game.
30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy
Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make
one.
32) You've never been to a craft show.
33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . "All we are saying is, give pizza chants."
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