Digest for Wednesday, April 02, 1997

There are 21 messages totalling 809 lines in this issue.





Topics of the day:

men jokes
Women !
Talking Duck
The Numbers of The Beast
Q&A (Disgusting, Offensive to blondes)
Ladder, Pilots, On the Cross (warnings within)
making reservations
BLONDE JOKE
heavens gate humour [obviously disrespectful to the suicidal]
Parrot joke (one expletive)
Top Ten Last Minute Opening Day Strategies for the Pirates
The train accident
Law on the March
making reservations
HUMOR - $200 Bucks it is...
Rejection Notice
Seminars for Men
heavens gate (may be offensive to cults and space ships)
Humor: Vanishing companion
One Liners
Jungle Book

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 02:49:52 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: men jokes

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and
forefinger) is nine inches.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
the other is giving birth.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the
man thinks often about dating them.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 03:20:20 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women ! <Adult Humor>

* Women !  Who can figure 'em out ?  Now that the kids are grown and
  gone, my wife sez she needs more "outside interests".  I thought I'd
  surprise her and presented her with just the other day with a brand
  new fancy lawn mower.  Now, she's mad with me.
                                - - - - -

* And they just don't get logic either.  I mean while the kids were
  growing up, she complained that all she did was cook and clean and take
  care of the kids and run errands.  Thinking I could help out some, I
  asked her if she wanted me to hire someone to be my wife. Instead of
  being grateful as I had expected, she hit the ceiling !!!
  (Thank God... she always was a terrible shot)
                                - - - - -

* Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my
  neighbors.  When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw
  in the maid, and a mistress to be named later.
                                - - - - -

* Try as I might though, I just can't seem to win many points with my
  wife.  Just the other day she was reminding me of how often she had
  to ask for my help with our kids.  Then she pointed out that the
  youngest had moved out over eight years ago.  I smiled and said "OK,
  what would you like me to do next ?"  Again -- nothing but cold icy
  silence.  I just don't understand that woman at all.
                                - - - - -

* Actually I'm being a little bit unfair.  My wife never tells me what
  to do; Usually, she just points.
                                - - - - -

* But she does have a great sense of humor -- laughs at everything I do.
  That by the way is why we only have two kids.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 14:21:57 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Talking Duck <clean>

 A talking duck waddles into a stop 'n' rob and asks the salesguy, "Got any
 grapes?"
 "No," answered the guy.

 The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
 The clerk replies, "No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago--I don't have
   any grapes!"

 The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he's back again, asking, "Got any
 grapes?"
 In a real snit now, the clerk yells, "No I don't have any goddamn grapes!
   You come back in here again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

 Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?"
 The guy says "NO!"
 The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"

 Chalapathi

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 12:01:12 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Numbers of The Beast <some sexual content>

*  664 and 668:    The neighbours of The Beast.
*  333:     The wife of The Beast.
*  -0.8090169943749:    The cousin of The Beast.
    (Ok, cousin, cosine, what's in a name?)
*  000:   The Humpty Dumpty Beast
*  999:   The Beast doing headstands
*  Route 666:   The way of The Beast
*  DCLXVI:   The Roman Beast
*  666 and 999:   Two Beasts having oral sex.
------------------------------------------
Some drink from the Fountain Of Knowledge, but I just gargle.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 05:32:51 -0500
From:    Hardus Steyn <hardus@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Q&A (Disgusting, Offensive to blondes)

Q: Which of the following doesn't fit?

      - Soya Beans
      - Dried Beans
      - Vibrator

A: Dried Beans - The other two can both be used as an alternative for
meat
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Blond Jokes

How many Blondes to screw in a lightbulb?
One - A Blond will screw anything

How many Brunettes to screw in a lightbulb?
One - Since all these blonde jokes, They think that they can only
hold it still and the world would revolve around her.

Why doesn't blondes use vibrators?
It chips their teeth

-----------------------------------------------
Steyn from SA
E-mail: Hardus@kld1.pwv.gov.za

If smoking doesn't kill you, Tobacco prices will!!!

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 13:00:33 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ladder, Pilots, On the Cross (warnings within)

The Ladder to Success (innuendo, ich!)

     A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the
clouds.  As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.  He reached a cloud,
upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.  "Screw me or climb
the ladder to success" she said.
     No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next
cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier
on the eye.  "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
"Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.
     On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was
quite attractive.  "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.
     As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to
himself that this was getting better the further he went.
     On the next cloud was an absolute beauty.  Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
     Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again.
     When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit
hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
     "Who are you?" the man asked.
     "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "my name's Cess!"
--------------------
The Blind Pilots (clean)

     One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
     The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and
left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers
do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However,
after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts
moving down the runway.
     The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering
among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
     Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
--------------------
On the Cross (off. to Christians)

     Jesus is hanging on the cross.  As he is hanging, he yells, "John,
John, come here, quick!"
     John hear's the voice of his master and came running up to the Lord. As
he gets there the guards catch him, cut off his legs, and throw him back in
the crowd.
     Jesus yells again, "John, John, come here quickly, quickly!"
     So John, crawling on his hands alone, approaches the cross.  The guards
catch him again, cut off his arms and throw him back in the crowd.
     Jesus yells a third time, "John, John, you must come quickly, time is
short, hurry!"
     So John with his tremendous faith, using his chin alone, approaches the
cross.  The guards do not see him and he gets to the base, flips over and
says, "Yes Lord."
     Jesus says, "John, it's incredible, I can see your house from up here!!!"
(from Giggles)
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.  To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org   Type "subscribe nerdnosh"

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Date:    Tue, 1 Apr 1997 19:17:00 -0800
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: making reservations <clean>

Back in the old day's in the indian reservation the tribe had very few
amenities.

The chief wanted his tribe to have some of the modern facilities available
to them as well, so he sent one of his braves off to become a plumber and
one to be an electrician.

Three years later they arrived back full of knowledge.

So the plumber built them a fine out house complete with the latest toilet.

But the chief complained that at night it was difficult to find and use at
night.

so the electrician went away and came back with a generator, wired it all
up and it shone out bright at night.

This made him the first person in history to "wire ahead for a reservation!"

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 06:34:02 -0700
From:    T.J. Dovale <TDOVALE@LAKEENG.COM>
Subject: BLONDE JOKE <Crude>

Why don't blondes in San Francisco where mini-skirts?

Because when they bend over their balls hang out!

This was my first submittal.  Hope you enjoyed it!

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 08:48:01 -0500
From:    Musat, Bob <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: heaven's gate humour [obviously disrespectful to the suicidal]

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What are they using to cledan up after the heaven's gate tragedy?

COMET!

:-)seeing you,

oxo

p.s.  "comet" is a brand name of household cleanser, in the states.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 07:59:01 -0600
From:    D. B. Christian <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: Parrot joke (one expletive)

A man buys a parrot, and the parrot drinks more than a Marine on
liberty. (Being a former Jarhead, I know just how much that is!) Every time
the man would leave, the parrot would get completely soused.  After
having tried everything, the man finally tells the parrot that if he ever
catches him drunk again, he'll pluck every last feather off of the bird.

Two days later, the man comes home from work to find his parrot sitting
in the bottom of his cage, drunker than he has ever seen him before.
Seeing the man, the parrot reaches down and pulls the last feather while
yelling "Fuck the feathers!"

David Christian, MA   (aka Bjorn)
Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian
UofNoDak  Grand Forks ND

Shakespere meets Lukas:   "R2, R2, wherefore art you?"

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 11:36:25 -0500
From:    Ken Wood <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Last Minute Opening Day Strategies for the Pirates

Top Ten Last Minute Opening Day Strategies for the Pirates

10. Adopt new slogan - "Yeah, but we're not the Mets"

9. Try using major league ball players this year

8. Punt.

7. Confuse opposition with empty stadiums.

6. Play Detroit.

5. Major secret weapon . . . Kordell Stewart

4. Brand-new concessions concept - Spam Pizza

3. Interleague play (with the American Association)

2. Oh no, how do you turn the sprinklers off!?

1. Quietly go bankrupt during the 7th inning stretch.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 11:55:36 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The train accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car
and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was
killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample
warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.  He even
stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it.  The court believed
his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You
did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 13:31:08 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

We're Prepared to Offer You
A Generous Discount
From Our Usual Rate

     A London law firm notified the family of one of its attorneys that the
man had committed suicide--and sent a hefty bill for the service.  James
Beauchamp Solicitors of Edgbaston billed the family of attorney David Bryant
$19,645 for work related to his death in November 1994. Bryant's sister,
Melanie Weerdmeester, said the worst fee was the $240 "to knock on my
mother's door to tell her her son was dead.''
     The family complained to the Office of Supervision of Solicitors, and
on Thursday the firm backed down, cutting the bill to $4,535.  Law firm
senior partner David Waterhouse said in light of the family's distress it
would not seek the money.

Source: AP
-----------------

Who Needs a Parole?
Just Leave Me Alone
with My New Breasts.

   California will become the first state to castrate child rapists, if a new
law passes several court challenges. The law requires twice-convicted child
molesters to undergo chemical castration before they can be released from
prison, unless they elect to be surgically castrated instead. Susan
Carpenter-McMillan, who drafted and lobbied for the law, says that three out
of four child molesters are repeat offenders and that castration is a small
price to pay: "The worst that could happen is that some of these guys might
grow breasts, lose some hair or suffer from hot flashes."

Source: ABA Journal

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 09:37:37 -0800
From:    Ian Ibbetson <ian@PTSPLUMBING.CO.CK>
Subject: making reservations <clean>

Back in the old day's in the indian reservation the tribe had very few
amenities.

The chief wanted his tribe to have some of the modern facilities available
to them as well, so he sent two of his braves off, one to become a plumber and
one to be an electrician.

Three years later they arrived back full of knowledge.

So the plumber built them a fine out house complete with the latest toilet.

But the chief complained that at night it was difficult to find and use at
night.

so the electrician went away and came back with a generator, wired it all
up and it shone out bright at night.

This made him the first person in history to "wire ahead for a reservation!"

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 14:31:48 -0700
From:    T.J. Dovale <TDOVALE@LAKEENG.COM>
Subject: HUMOR - $200 Bucks it is...  <Somewhat risque>

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife
answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks
her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've
got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could
just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your
weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off
the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 16:59:27 -0500
From:    Bill Crawford <bill@ERIN.MV.COM>
Subject: Rejection Notice

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 SLIPPERY ROOT DRIVE
DROP TROUSER, KENTUCKY 42405

April 2, 1997

Dear Sir:

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to
model and represent our product, Trojan Condoms.

Although your physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors feels that your wearing of our product in advertisements
does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product.  A
loose, baggy, and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip,
but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs
taken.  We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we
have seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest, and would like to thank you for your time.
We will retain your application for possible future consideration.  If
by chance we decide that there is a market for mini-condoms, we will
contact you.

We send greetings and sympathy to your lady.

Sincerely,

Burly Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

P.S. Remember our slogans:
      Cover your stump before you hump!
      Don't be silly...cover your Willie!
      Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker!
      Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
      If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
      A tisket, a tasket, a condom or a casket!

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 17:54:31 -0500
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: Seminars for Men <off. to men>

Seminars for Men

The female staff will be offering courses to men of all marital status.
  Please note: the names of some of the courses have been changed.
 Attendance
in at least 10 of the following courses are mandatory:

Combating stupidity
You can do housework too
PMS - learning when to keep your mouth shut
How to fill an ice tray
We do not want sleazy under things for Christmas - give us money
Understanding the female response to coming in drunk at 4 a.m.
Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled 'Don't wash my silks')
Parenting - no, it doesn't end with conception
Get a life - learn to cook
How not to act like an ass hole when your obviously wrong
Spelling - even you can get it right
Understanding your financial incompetence
You - the weaker sex
Reasons to give flowers
How to stay awake after sex
Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the washroom
Garbage - getting it to the curb
You can fall asleep without it if you really try
'The Morning Dilemma' - if it's awake, take a shower
I'll wear it if I dam well please
How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled 'No it's not a bidet')
'The Weekend' and 'Sports' are not synonyms
Give me a break! - Why we know your excuses are bullshit
How to go shopping with your mate without getting lost
The Remote Control - overcoming your dependence
Romanticism - other ideas besides sex
Helpful postural hints for the couch potato
Mother-in-laws - they are people too
How not to act younger than your children
You too can be a designated driver
Male Bonding - leaving your friends at home
Honest, you don't look like Mel Gibson - especially naked
Changing your Underwear - it really works
The Attainable Goal - omitting '^#%^%$' from your vocabulary
Fluffing the blankets after farting is not necessary

Please register immediately as courses are in great demand (as if we had any
doubt!)

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 14:45:37 PST
From:    John Boland,M.S.W., <JRBOLAND@BCSC02.GOV.BC.CA>
Subject: heaven's gate (may be offensive to cults and space ships)

To: HUMOR   --INTERNET HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.e

*** Resending note of 03/30/97 14:11
Internet jrboland@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca

what is the first thing heaven's gate said on the space ship?
hale elujah

what is the in flight movie?
heaven can wait.

what was the next question?
does the pepsi machine take quarters?

and the next?
does this thing have tires?

and the next?
is that jimmy jones in first class?

what was the most frequent question?
tie between are you an alien or a flight attendant?
and got change for a five?

what was the main course?
bopper whopper

what was for dessert?
pudding!

who were the featured in flight singers?
the big bopper and bill haley and the comets.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 15:39:48 EST
From:    Martha E. Frantz <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Vanishing companion

The piece I forwarded yesterday, "Breaking Up By Major", should have included
the following acknowledgement:
        written by Adam Lasnik
        smile@pobox.com
        http://pobox.com/~smile
The authorship had been stripped when I originally received the piece.  Sorry,
Adam!

I also have no attribution for the following...
-------
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the
woman acting unconcerned.  The waitress watched as the man slid all the
way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to
the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your
husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he
didn't.  He just walked in the door."

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Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 11:16:54 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: One Liners <clean>

 A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly
 spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

 Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 are followers
 of women.

 Here's good news for bald heads. They say: "God made perfect heads". Those
 that were not -  he covered them with hair.

 Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the
 final materpiece.

 Every man should have a hobby  but make sure your wife doesn't know about
 her.

 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
 thing: either the car is new or the wife.

 Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks. After that
 people will be nice to you.

 A banker is a fellow who lends you hisumbrella when the sun is shinning and
 wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

 Bank accounts are like toothpaste:easy to take out but hard to put back

 The doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes
 and then send the bill to her husband.

 Chalapathi

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Date:    Wed, 2 Apr 1997 17:54:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Jungle Book

A man in Africa was out taking a walk in the jungle.  He found a
secluded spot, sat down, and began reading a book.  Soon, however,
he had a feeling that he was being watched.  He looked to his right
and there was a lion.  He froze.  Then he looked to his left; you
guessed it, lions were on both sides.  Suddenly, the lions jumped
the man and ate him.

Moral of the story:  Never read between the lions.

-=} Randall {=-   randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . PayDay is the candybar of the gawds.

----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet

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