Digest for Thursday, May 01, 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 411 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Farms and Farmers (some adult humor>
- Creative Answering Machines, Part 2
- Jewish Joke (Not offensive)
- The CEO (clean), English (clean)
- cool things - car faster than light
- Humor - Its A Wacky World!
- Suicide...............Unoffensive
- Condoms................Possibly offensive to females
- Tech Support
- Sluggo Press Release
- Why Hurry?
- Actor wannabee
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 03:02:18 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Farms and Farmers (some adult humor>
* Howard County, where I live, is the site for three large dairy farms.
My wife went to one which sells to the public. Since the milk is right
at the source, it's not dated, so she asked if it were fresh.
The farmer seemed highly offended and said "Fresh ??? Lady, less
than two hours ago, that milk was grass !"
- - - - -
* Not far from me we have a friend who raises Brahma Bulls. I asked
how he got them to breed so well, since he has a nice herd.
He said that he gave the bulls potency pills and I asked what the
pills were made of.
He said "Damned if I know, but they taste a little like a saltine."
- - - - -
* I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in
the Lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all
that money. He kinda scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know
right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."
- - - - -
* When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor
show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I
mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly
even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs
is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."
I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell ?"
- - - - -
* I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was
watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's
wife came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at
once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself,
"Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 12:57:03 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Creative Answering Machines, Part 2 <clean>
* Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up.
* Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a
message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
* Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
* You have reached 555-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the
nineties. You know what to do.
* You have reached the number you have dialled. Please leave a message
after the beep.
* Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right
now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk
briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you
hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to
you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 14:40:49 GMT
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Jewish Joke (Not offensive)
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the
posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic
car-maker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we
have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile
industry. " Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the
competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it
to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford
outside and asked him to enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of
the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you
crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford,
and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of
freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within
seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the
patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused,
"And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air
Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a
'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One
and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever
emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see
those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control
panel:
HI NORM MAX
Have a peaceful and prosperous day.
Aditya Mishra
Phone/FAX (954)746-0442 (Must leave message on voice mail)
mailto:a018967t@bc.seflin.org or mailto:aditya@smart1.net
homepage: http://www.smart1.net/aditya
http://www.geocities.com/ResearchTriangle/1189
Thought of the day:
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 17:45:57 +0200
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The CEO (clean), English (clean)
The CEO (clean)
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out
the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and
Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem
was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message
read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and
opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."
--------------------
English is a Funny Language! (clean)
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one
moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the
plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day
and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it
out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when
I wind up this essay, I end it?
(courtesy of Giggles)
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 14:43:49 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: cool things - car faster than light
The Top 20 Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light
20. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to car pool.
15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
13. Holding a harmonica out the window makes the coolest sounds, and
sparks too.
12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving
home from work.
11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal
stripes.
10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
9. Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries
to duck through back seat.
8. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.
7. Bugs never see you coming.
6. As long as you're breaking the Einstein's conservation of energy and
mass theory, you might as well
run over Schrodinger's cat, too.
5. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there before
you order or it's free!"
4. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse
suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.
3. License plate: "Me=mc2"
2. Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat, they land in last week!
...and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed
of Light...
1. Chicks dig it.
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 14:03:01 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!
Woman: "I was fired because of breasts."
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla., April 30 (UPI) - A south Florida woman has
filed suit (Wednesday) contending she was fired from her job because of
her breasts. Melissa Garcia says her supervisor at the Florida Center
for Cosmetic Surgery dismissed her after she decided against undergoing
breast enlargement surgery.
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 18:31:29 -0400
From: Andy Lodge <ALodge8719@AOL.COM>
Subject: Suicide...............Unoffensive
I went to my local library and asked for a book on suicide but was told that
they had none as they got booked out but never returned.
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 18:33:13 -0400
From: Andy Lodge <ALodge8719@AOL.COM>
Subject: Condoms................Possibly offensive to females
My wife suggested that we use a new type of condom. It had ridges and bumps
and feathers on the side and a shape like a chicken head on the top.
I asked what it was and she explained that it was "especially designed to
provide the maximum pleasure for woman". I was having none of this and put it
on inside out.
Why should she get all the fun?
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 19:46:14 -0400
From: Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tech Support <offensive to computer-illiterate>
A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: "What's the problems?"
LUser: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech: "You'll need a new power supply."
LUser: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
LUser: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
command."
10 minutes later, the LUser is still adamant that they are right. The
Tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
LUser: "I knew it!"
Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
LUser: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
LUser: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
LUser: "I need a new power supply."
Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
LUser: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and
he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech: "Then what did he say?"
LUser: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 21:46:55 -0400
From: Marquis de Sade <sluggo@CLARK.NET>
Subject: Sluggo Press Release
Sluggo Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every
political figure, celebrity, nation, race, religion, etc. is a target;
I don't discriminate. There are too many topics to offer individual
warnings. Feel free to send criticism, suggestions, or flames.
Oddly enough,
Sluggo
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sluggo Press Release - 1 May, 1997
1. (MOSCOW) Bosses at a once high-tech Soviet defense plant have solved
a severe cash shortage by paying workers with handouts of the firm's
new post-Cold War products : rubber sex aids. Employees at the
Ooahohbaybee factory in Vulvagrad, who have had no wages for over a
year, are far from satisfied with being paid in dildos and are now on
the brink of revolt. The unrest started when their latest paycheck
included three Russian ticklers (an ill-conceived knock-off of the
French tickler, which uses the heads of recycled Lenin, Kruschev and
Brezhnev Pez-dispensers) the new Jeff Illyich Strykkerov model dildo
which is basically a wirebrush attached to an electric drill, and a
"Svetlana Alliluyeva blow up doll"=A9 (Now with three orifices for your
pleasure!) - NORSKA, 1 MAY-
2. (NORTH KOREA) North Korean leader Kim Jong-il made a rare public
appearance probably on Wednesday to inspect frontline troops as
Pyongyang remains mum on a power vacuum left by the death of its No. 2
military leader. The grotesque details involving the death of General
Fong have sent the message to military leaders that it is extremely
unwise to be naughty with a power vacuum. Despite the fact the power
vac sucked out 98% of General Fong's organs, his family had his remains
fashioned into an attractive lamp. -Roiders, 01 MAY-
3. (TURKEY-IRAQ) Iraq on Sunday accused Turkish troops of murdering
46 Iraqi Kurds who had taken refuge in Turkey. Turkey, however,
denies the claim and blames the accusation on the Iraqi paranoia that
they might have missed out on murdering those 46 Kurds themselves.
-Reaper, 01 May-
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Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 10:21:09 +0800
From: Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY>
Subject: Why Hurry?
A couple from Mars and a couple from World are chatting. Mischivously,
worldly couple ask the Marsian couple:
-How do you make children? How do you keep production cycle on?
An organ moves from the body of male Marsian and penetrates to the female's.
And after few minutes, he takes it out. And a baby comes out of the
female's body.
"fantastic!" says the wordly couple.
Marsians ask them the same question. They strip their clothes and start
having sexual intercourse. After finishing the job, male Marsian ask:
- is that the way you make children?
- yes.
- so, where is the baby?
- well, we have to wait for nine months
- really? if you have to wait that much,
WHY DO YOU HURRY?
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Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 22:26:42 EDT
From: Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Actor wannabee <profane>
A young man has one desire in life, to be an actor.
After spending his high school & college years with the acting groups he
still needs to fill his desire & attends an acting school
He graduates and decides to hire an agent, knowing that this agent will
take at least 10% of his earnings. He takes on the agent & instead of
waiting for the call from him starts to pester the agent with daily
calls, asking if there any part available. Every day, Every day, Every
day. he calls with the same question "anything , anything, ANYTHING."
The agent with many years of experience is finally worn out by all the
daily calls & to get some peace tells the young man to come in for a
part.
The agent admits that this part is small however the play will be
attendned by all the bigwigs of the industry and if he does well this
will be the chance of a lifetime. Our young actor accepts the part &
finds out that the play will not be on stage for 6 months. This is not
bad news the agent says but Good News because now we'll have time to
rehearse & get this part down PERFECTLY.
Sooooooo every night our actor to be rehearses his part which is to carry
a letter to a cival war general
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