Digest for Monday, May 05, 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 639 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Blankets
- Yuppie Capital of the World
- Why arent you married?
- Lifes verities (inoffensive)
- Cameron Column #46 (clean)
- Shortage
- Manchester Olympic Bid
- Chinese humor found on the Indian Discussion List
- The Toddler and the Yardstick
- URBAN LEGEND
- Yo momma and some other stuff...
- The Rules (possibly off. to women)
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 11:06:10 +0400
From: Chemo Shaks <shaks@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Blankets <adult, rude>
This married guy took off all his clothes and laid down naked on the bed.
His wife came in with the vacum cleaner, doing some spring cleaning, when
suddenly the man said: "Suck my dick, woman."
The wife politely answered him by telling him that she is cleaning the house
and is too busy. The man yells out this time: "SUCK MY DICK! I AM THE MAN OF
THE HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES!"
So the woman silently and obediently started sucking...while the man roared
out: "SUCK...SUCK...HARDER...SUCK HARDER!!!" When suddenly he yells:
"BLOW...BLOW...BLOW...THE BLANKET'S UP MY ASS!!!"
DEATH ROW
VIA CHEMO
SEEYA!
Chemo
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 03:51:10 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Yuppie Capital of the World
* Man's infinite capacity for inflicting suffering upon himself
and his fellow humans needed an art form through which the
emotions attendant to that fact could find ample expression.
It was thus that Columbia (aka "Yuppiedom") the "Planned City"
was created.
- - - - -
* If you call 911 in Columbia Maryland, you have to tell them who
recommended you to them.
- - - - -
* A Columbia poodle had an adorable doghouse near the pool. A
visitor asked how the owners kept it so clean.
The Yuppette of the House said, "We have a Mexican Chihuahua
come in every Tuesday and Saturday."
- - - - -
* Van Gogh painted 72 pictures. As of last week, Columbia had the
largest collection of them in the world -- 423.
- - - - -
* My wife and I attended a meeting for a "kick off" to a very worthy
charity campaign in Columbia. Some of the Yuppettes present seemed
content to make a night of it. My wife leaned over to me and said,
"If this doesn't break-up by 4:00, start talking about your lawn.
And at 4:30 start in on your views of modern women."
- - - - -
* At a recent social event in Columbia, I overheard a conversation
between a young lady visiting there from New York and one of the
local Yuppettes. The guest said, "I don't know why people in Columbia
are considered cold and stand-offish. The ones I've met have been
very nice to me and more than willing to go halfway in making friends."
"It is obvious," said the proper lil' Yuppette stiffly, "that you
have not yet met the 'right' people."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 05:32:09 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Why aren't you married?
25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?"
*************************************************************************
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo
doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering
a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child
would be redundant.
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 07:09:42 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Life's verities (inoffensive)
*The office machine you know how to fix yourself is never the one to break
down
*The eyeshadow shade that looks so super with your eye color, hair color, and
skin color is the one they've discontinued
*The perfume that smells best on you is the one you're most allergic to
*The magazine will fold effective with the issue just before the one your
article was to appear in
Corollary: It's a pay-on-publication market
Second corollary: The article has a timeliness value and it's now too late
to sell it anywhere else
*If the bus you just missed wasn't your bus, that doesn't mean the next one
will be
*When you're driving as fast as the law allows because you've got to go to
the bathroom, that's when the drawbridge will be up
*The spare has gone flat too
*Divorce may be final but it's not terminal
*If you're still married, your child will be in a minority in his/her class
and will complain bitterly because s/he doesn't have *two* homes like most of
his/her classmates
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 13:05:47 +0200
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Cameron Column #46 (clean)
From time to time the subject matter of this column inadvertently
drifts into something resembling journalism, which I assure you is purely
unintentional. Today will be one of those days, as I publish the last
annual W. Bruce Cameron Stupid Product Award.
First prize this year goes to the electronics company Casio for
producing a "Water Sports Watch." My family, thinking it would be a good
thing if they could figure out a way to more directly associate my body with
"sports," bought me one of these fine Water Sports Watches for my birthday.
Now, it does tell time. In fact, it tells more time than I want to
know about: 24 hour time, the time in China, the time in dog years, the
time since you last checked the time... so I have no quibble with calling it
a "watch." However, the first time I fell into a pool this spring (my son
believes it fun to dash at my legs and topple me into the water whenever I
am near the edge of the pool. He calls this "soaking the grump." I call it
"flirting with death.") the watch, which was on my wrist at the time of the
toppling, stopped functioning.
"That's funny," I said, meaning it was not. I held the watch to my ear
as if you can hear a digital watch and verified that even in that position
it still did not display the time.
A quick call to Casio assured me there was nothing wrong with the
watch. "You're not supposed to wear it in the pool," the polite woman
explained to me.
"But it is a water sports watch!" I protested.
"Your point being?"
"Well, it's just that I am hard put to name a water sport that doesn't
somehow involve water," I told her.
To which SHE said (now remember, this is the truth) "Oh, the water
sports watch isn't for people who PLAY water sports. It's for people who
enjoy WATCHING water sports."
Well heck, I should have been able to figure THAT out, right? So if
you're in your family room viewing a water polo match on TV, your water
sports watch will function perfectly.
Son: "Are you enjoying the water polo on TV, Dad?"
Dad: "Yes, especially since I can glance from time to time at my Water
Sports Watch."
This makes me wonder if there aren't a whole host of products out there
with similar pedigree. Are there motorcycle helmets for people who merely
like to WATCH motorcycles? Dog food for pets who only want to LOOK AT their
dinners?
At any rate, I replaced the Water Sports Watch with an Official Diving
Watch that allows me to go as deep as 150 meters and still be on Zulu time.
Of course, I realize that next time I go 150 meters deep in the water I
will be, well, dead, but at least I can now participate in an afternoon of
"soak the grump" without fear of losing track of what those fun loving Zulus
are up to.
--------------------
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=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 14:43:16 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Shortage <Off to people from New Jersey>
This was sent to me by a friend of mine who was born in New Jersey,
but now lives in London:
Three guys, a Texan, a Russian and a guy from New Jersey find
themselves seated at the same table in a restaurant in London, at the
time of the Mad Cow disease scare.
The waiter says, "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of beef so you can't
order steak."
The Texan asks: "What is a shortage?"
The Russian asks: "What is a steak?"
The guy from New Jersey asks: "What is excuse me?"
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 09:04:56 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Manchester Olympic Bid
Olympic Games
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004,
the organisers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an
itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a
native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing
the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip
van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of
the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local
'Manchester' athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven
(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges,
gardens, fences walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer
they wish to use (claw , sledge etc.) the winner will be the one
who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the
public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event.
the first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or
securicor style wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given
15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any
tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's
boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against
the clock
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering , flashing, joy
riding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be
issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their
way round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The
first three survivors back, will decide the medals
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of
the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners,
synchronised rock throwing and music by the Stockport
Community Choir.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats
next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes
break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central
heating boiler
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 10:26:34 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Chinese humor found on the Indian Discussion List
>From the India Discussion Digest, Wed, 30 Apr 97
From: <shivag@lucent.com>
Borrowed from a friend of mine....
An American received a fax from the brother of his good friend Mr. X
in China saying that Mr. X had a serious accident and is in the
hospital. The American immediately flew to Beijing to be by his
friend's side at his time of need. As he was standing next to his
bed, the Mr. X said in a very excited voice CHU CHEE CHEN ...... CHU
CHEE CHEN .... CHU CHEE CHEN and finally passed away.
Very puzzled by his friend's final words he went to the Brother and
asked, what does CHU CHEE CHEN mean. With tears in his eyes, the
brother replied "He was saying Take your foot off the oxygen hose!"
-Shiva Gangadharan
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 11:28:37 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> The Toddler and the Yardstick
May 5, 1997
A friend of mine has two young sons. The younger of the two, Noah,
is just learning about the complexities of language. Here's a wonder-
ful example of how that works.
(Note: for readers in countries which have progressed beyond the
English system of measurement, a yardstick is a ruler that is one
yard long {.9144 M}. It's supposed to be used for measuring things,
but since it's fairly long and thin it has become the tool-of-choice
for getting those little things out from behind or underneath
furniture and appliances. Every kid-equipped home needs one.)
From: "Rebecca Rinehart" <rinehart@compuserve.com>
The other day Noah and I were playing in the livingroom with a beanbag.
He got bored and tossed the thing under the couch. I told him he had to
get the yardstick to help retrieve the thing. When I asked him if he knew
where the yardstick was, he said, "Yeh, Mom" and headed over to the
closet.
The next I saw him he had his coat on and he was heading out the door.
When I asked him what he was doing, he said "Go outside and get yardstick,
Mom". Moments later he came waltzing in with a huge stick, he scooped up
the bean bag, and returned the stick to the yard.
Don't have lunch on the road with this kid!
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 09:56:16 -0500
From: Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: URBAN LEGEND <satire>
This is a VIRUS WARNING!
A virus, called URBAN LEGEND, is DOWNLOADING itself through WEB pages,
EMAIL, through USENET newsgroups, and possibly OTHER vectors! If you
receive email with the subject "URBAN LEGEND," do not read it! If you
see a WEB PAGE with the title "URBAN LEGEND," do not download it!
URBAN LEGEND is a highly virulent, CROSS PLATFORM strain!
URBAN LEGEND disguises itself as simple ASCII and/or HTML codes, and is
UNDETECTABLE by conventional ANTIVIRUS software. Various versions of
URBAN LEGEND have been found on DOS, WINDOWS, MACINTOSH, AND UNIX
systems! Once downloaded, URBAN LEGEND takes up residence in MASS
STORAGE, where it may make use of AVAILABLE computing resources, such
as CPU and I/O devices to ensure its PROPAGATION.
URBAN LEGEND has numerous, and wide ranging SIDE EFFECTS. If you DO
DOWNLOAD a version of URBAN LEGEND, you may OBSERVE the following:
The amount of FREE SPACE on your HARD DISK may change, and CPU USAGE
may vary. If you use PERSONAL FINANCE software, you may notice the
BALANCES CHANGE on various accounts. (Because of the insidious nature
of URBAN LEGEND this CAN HAPPEN even if you DON'T keep your accounts
on your PC!) Your SYSTEM may CRASH from time to time! If URBAN
LEGEND is DOWNLOADED by a WEB-TV system, or something similar, you may
also BE SUBSCRIBED to one or more PREMIUM CABLE CHANNELS, or even a
SATELLITE TELEVISION SERVICE!! More often than not, there will ALSO
be LONG DISTANCE CHARGES on your PHONE BILL!
URBAN LEGEND is a DANGEROUS and DESTRUCTIVE VIRUS!! Watch for the
TELLTALE "URBAN LEGEND" in the SUBJECT line of email, and the TITLE of
WEB pages.
CIRCULATE this VIRUS WARNING widely, so that others may PROTECT
themselves from the URBAN LEGENDS virus!!
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 23:32:56 +0400
From: Chemo Shaks <shaks@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Yo momma and some other stuff... <offensive to mothers,
overweight people, and Irishmen. rude>
Yo momma's went to the tailor's the other day... and she was measured at
36-24-32...
They didn't even bother with the other thigh!!
Yo momma's so stoopid, she tried to drown her goldfish!!
You momma's so big, at grade school, she sat next to everybody!
Why's there shit in front of all the shops in Ireland?
On the door, it says 'push'.
What's the height of unemployment?
A whore with cobwebs between the legs.
What's the height of innocence?
A whore who thinks fucking's a town next to Peking in China.
What's the height of agony?
A one armed man hanging over a cliff with itchy balls.
And finally...
What's the diff. between position 69 and driving down a dark road on a foggy
night?
At least in 69, you can see the asshole in front of you!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanx for all the mail for the "the marine core". Glad you liked it!! :)
SEEYA!
Chemo
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Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 18:28:40 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Rules (possibly off. to women)
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent
of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she
wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she
said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the
heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male
must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
Phil
http://www.pipeline.com/~glowatz
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Date: Tue, 6 May 1997 00:07:31 -0400
From: Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hi, everyone! This is Jim, with this week's traffic report. Every week, I
send this report, complete with some witty or pithy remarks, to the
contributors to the HUMOR list, and on the first full week of each month, I
send the report to the entire list.
Ahh, the month of May. When students go home from college, when the
number of posts to the HUMOR list starts to drop off, and when my mom
starts nagging me about why I haven't settled down with a nice girl yet.
(Someday, ma, I promise!)
I guess it's only right for me to address how, if you're going home,
going to teach your native language in some strange and foreign land, or
running around the world trying to find the love of your life, to keep
HUMOR from piling up in your mailbox. You have two options: you can
unsubscribe altogether by sending LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SIGNOFF HUMOR and resubscribe when you get back with the command SUBSCRIBE
HUMOR followed by your real name. Or you can send the command SET HUMOR
NOMAIL and when you come back, use the command SET HUMOR MAIL (or SET HUMOR
DIGEST, if you prefer to get it in handy-dandy once-daily digest format...)
If you will be losing your email, I suggest unsubscribing and
resubscribing. (For those of you with the privilege of contributing, put a
-P after the word HUMOR (without a space) in these commands. This will
work for any except the subscribe command. If you signoff, you'll need to
take the exam again when you come back...) All commands go in the body of
an email.
As always, I'm here for you. Feel free to email me at
jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page (wanna see my etchings?) at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html. I'll be back with you all
next month...
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 27 April - 3 May
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
27 Sunday 8 12 8 11 6
28 Monday 11 10 17 21 12
29 Tuesday 16 9 15 20 13
30 Wednesday 21 20 17 18 15
1 Thursday 16 19 17 12 12
2 Friday 15 16 11 13 11
3 Saturday 8 9 6 12 7
Averages 13.6 13.6 13.0 15.3 10.9
Subscriptions 10 721 10 784 10 820 10 824 10 478
Countries 98 99 99 100 100
Contributors 841 842 845 843 843
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile,
China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech
Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic
of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain,
Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia,
Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya,
Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia,
Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia,
Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru,
Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia,
Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname,
Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda,
Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe
Total countries: 100
Email me if your country is not listed here.
And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: The geographic center of the United States
Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut
and Roland Sweet
Members of the Atlanta city council approved a resolution inviting
Bucharest, Hungary, to become one of its sister cities. Unfortunately,
Bucharest is the capital of Romania.
[That is, unfortunate for those in Atlanta, not in Romania...]
-----
Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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