Digest for Sunday, June 01, 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 306 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- All Kinds of Sex
- Promotion Blues (might be offensive to colonels)
- the Major (sexual), Baby Talk (language), MSFT (clean)
- A dumb smoker
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- Smuggling
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Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 05:20:02 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: All Kinds of Sex <adult humor>
* It was so cold during this past winter in North Dakota, that the
exhibitionists were just describing themselves.
- - - - -
* As their illicit lovemaking neared its climax, the sweet young thang
strained upwards toward her brother-in-law. "Kiss me Max," she urged
hoarsely, "Oh, kiss me."
"Kiss you ?" panted Max, "Why I probably shouldn't even be doing this."
- - - - -
* "I just can't understand it doctor," the girl complained, "every time
I see a handsome muscular man on the beach, I get this funny feeling
between my toes."
"Now that is odd." agreed the doctor. "Which ones ?"
"The big ones." she sighed.
- - - - -
* The popular cheerleader bounced into the local card shop. "Do you
have any, like, real special Valentine's Cards ?" she asked.
"Why, yes." replied the clerk. "As a matter of fact, here's a new
one inscribed 'To the Boy who got my Cherry'."
"Wow. Neat!" she purred, "I'll take the whole box."
- - - - -
* "My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her
co-worker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look.
What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"
"No !" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."
- - - - -
* The doctor was advising the couple on birth control. "And these days
birth control pills can even be taken monthly instead of daily."
"Humph !" snorted the husband. "With 'her' even a monthly pill would
be over-medication."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 08:37:58 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Promotion Blues (might be offensive to colonels)
PROMOTED
A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a
bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a
week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog,
"Sarge".
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend
offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that
Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't
part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and
was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to
ole "Sarge?" he asked.
"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me
and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After
that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."
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Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 08:42:57 -0400
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: the Major (sexual), Baby Talk (language), MSFT (clean)
Army Sergeant Major
An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the
madam and says, " My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a
woman!". The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the
best call girl they have for him.
Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his
hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.
He then says," My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. Immediately, his
penis becomes fully erect.
The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that.
The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty
years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE. His penis
immediately goes limp.
The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him
for another demonstration.
The Sgt. Major says. 'I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK,
ATTEN-HUN. (a raging hard-on once again) and the follows this display of
prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.)
The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the
demonstration yet again.
The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the
Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN.
(His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command,
"DICK, AT EASE.
The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still
hard. He then says, "apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE.
Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming,
and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE. No luck, his
penis is still hard.
He yells god dammit and moves to the side of the bed and starts to
masturbate vigorously.
The prostitute asks '"What the hell is going on?"
The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and
I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"
--------------------
Baby Talk
A little boy was going off to his first day of school. So, his mother
told him that he couldn't talk like a baby anymore -- instead of "bow wow"
say "dog", instead of "meow" say "cat", instead of "moo moo" say "cow" --
She asked him if he could do that? Yes, he replied, he could. So he goes
off to school.
When he gets home, the mother asks him how was school the first day.
The little boy said it was great - "We played games, drew pictures and
the teacher read us a story!"
"Oh, what story did the teacher read to you??"
"Winnie The Shit."
--------------------
Microsoft vs. GM (true? who knows - but funny anyway)
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success,
so he decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General
Motors.
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over
the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and
it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an
economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of
gas.
In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you
really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com
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Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 14:18:34 EDT
From: Brad DAVIS <davisbe@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A dumb smoker<may be off. to smokers>
Coversation between two friends about a rumor about a smoker.
Man 1: Did you hear about the smoker who splashed gas on
himself while filling up his car?
Man 2: No, what happend to him?
Man 1: When he lit his ciggarette it cought his arm on fire, and when
he saw a police officer he started to wave his arm outside,
so the Police officer pulled him over, and gave him a ticket.
Man 2: Why did he do that?
Man 1: Because the Police officer said he was waving a 'firearm.'
GO JAZZ!!!
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Date: Sun, 1 Jun 1997 15:29:24 -0400
From: Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
This is Jim, and I sure have been quiet lately.
It is my responsibility to keep track of the traffic coursing daily
through the Internet converging on the HUMOR list. Once a week, I let all
of the contributors know what's going on (and I exploit my position to help
keep the contributors as in-line as possible.) Once a month -- I have
chosen the first Sunday of each month -- I send the numbers to the entire
list. (So I can keep *everybody* in line.)
And June of 1997 (if you follow this calendar) has begun. Three weeks
ago I announced that I would be moving, and therefore found myself off the
Internet until early this week. I would like to take this time to publicly
thank Jay Harman, fellow listowner and HUMOR's error handler,for picking up
the slack while I changed my physical, geographic locale. I am now fully
recovered from the move, and partially recovered from the housewarming bash
I threw last night. (There will be more in the future, and you're all
hereby formally invited. We can always set up another cot for you.)
I was lucky. I moved, and didn't need to change my email address
(jimphynn@mindspring.com), my personal home page address
(http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn) or HUMOR's website
(http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html). I realize, as we in the
Northern Hemisphere approach Summer, and as we in the Southern Hemisphere
approach Winter, that many people will be losing email and internet access,
either because they'll be moving somewhere else, as I did, or because
school is letting out, or because they plan on taking that two-to-three
month (well-deserved, of course) vacation from work.
So if any of these scenarios applies to you, how about thanking Jay on my
behalf (and on behalf of the entire list), by taking the time to sign off
of the list before you leave? Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SIGNOFF HUMOR. When you come back, you can easily resubscribe by sending
that same address the command SUBSCRIBE HUMOR followed by your full name.
(This procedure also works if you're changing email addresses.) We'll
leave the light on for you.
If you have any questions, feel free to email me. I should be back into
the swing of things more thoroughly as the week progresses.
And I'll be back next month with the July report.
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 25 May - 31 May
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
25 Sunday 6 9 9 8 10
26 Monday 12 13 11 13 12
27 Tuesday 13 12 11 8 10
28 Wednesday 15 12 9 13 14
29 Thursday 12 8 15 17 18
30 Friday 11 18 17 12 15
31 Saturday 7 7 5 15 5
Average 10.9 11.3 11.0 12.3 12.0
Subscriptions 10 478 10 342 10 301 10 290 10 222
Countries 100 100 101 101 100
Contributors 843 846 858 851 792
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium, Belize,
Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia,
Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala,
Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy,
Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon,
Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova,
Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand, Northern Ireland,
Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia,
Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka,
Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey,
Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia,
Zimbabwe
Total countries: 100
Email me if your country is not listed here.
-----
And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: The *real* way to plan zero population growth
Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut
and Roland Sweet
In China, 404 people died and 1028 were injured in traffic accidents during
the first year's operation of a 164-mile expressway linking Beijing and
Shijiazhuang. Authorities blamed the high fatality rate on a middle lane
that allows cars on both sides of the road to pass, making head-on
collisions almost inevitable if two drivers going in opposite directions
decide to pass at the same time.
-----
Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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Date: Mon, 2 Jun 1997 10:05:08 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Smuggling <clean>
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped
by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they
contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his
shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to
see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on
every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags
failed to appear.A few days later, the gaurd happened to meet the
cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the gaurd.
"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a
word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
Chalapathi
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