Digest for Thursday, June 05, 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 820 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Women Shoppers
- Doctors
- Girlfriend Catalog (innuendo), the Constable (clean)
- Humor: Construction Definitions
- Old Time Slang
- Flatulence Categorized (bodily functions warning)
- And you thought YOU were having a bad day!
- Low premium insurance scheme for elephants (real news)
- The Diary of a Digital Boatowner
- Humor - Its A Wacky World
- Its all about choices...
- followup and online humor
- A gold miners problems
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 04:29:13 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Women Shoppers
* I guess the butcher had finally had enuff from this one Yuppette who
had been more than a little fussy over the purchase on a single steak.
I heard him say wearily, "Anything else you'd like to know Miss,
perhaps the cow's name ?"
- - - - -
* I guess I never realized what a commercial oriented age we live in
until I heard this one lady shopper tell a grocery clerk, "I'm sorry.
I just cannot remember the product name right now; perhaps if I hum a
few bars of the commercial..."
- - - - -
* Matron to greeting-card-clerk: "Do you have a get-well card that hints
she's not as sick as she wants everyone to think she is ?"
- - - - -
* Even time has no meaning at all to a lot of women shoppers. My wife
left one morning on one of her shopping expeditions announcing, "I'm
going to do some shopping. I'll be back in about $ 350.00 or so."
- - - - -
* It's not hard to tell when a salesperson has been pushed to just about
the limits of their patience by a shopper. I heard one salesgirl tell
this Yuppette, "On the other hand, Madame doesn't really do anything
for the dress either."
- - - - -
* Sometimes, it's fun to try to guess the vocation of the various women
shoppers. I noticed this obviously angry lady approach a clerk in an
appliance store. She said, "It's concerning this electric iron..."
(At that point, I had no guess)
"You wish to complain ?" asked a clerk.
"Complain ?!?!?" she retorted. "Young man, that I could have easily
accomplished by telephone. I have come here to revile someone !!!"
(Ahhhhhh, an English teacher)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 11:50:53 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Doctors <may be off. to Doctors, but not meant to>
What the Doctor says
What the Doctor REALLY means
"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time."
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 05:56:28 -0400
From: Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Girlfriend Catalog (innuendo), the Constable (clean)
We've seen the "Boyfriend Catalog", but I haven't seen this one here...
OLD YELLER - "You spineless, good-for-nothing, drag-ass, no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?!" Also known as:
She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
THE BOSSER - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known
as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-It-All, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast Girl,
Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
HUFFY - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at." Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition,
Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
WOMAN FROM MARS - "I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship." Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl,
Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
MS. DREAMGIRL - "I am utterly content with my handsome genius of a
boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now." Also known
as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
--------------------
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a
farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance
agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable
you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had
a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all
banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under
the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt
better in my life.
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. To join a virtual campfire of story-
tellers/listeners from all over the world, the Coolest Campfire on Wires,
e-mail to: majordomo@story.nerdnosh.org Type "subscribe nerdnosh"
personal: capekid@bigfoot.com, capekid@hotmail.com, bmyers@iafrica.com
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 08:55:23 -0400
From: Doug Bunch <dougb@USIT.NET>
Subject: Humor: Construction Definitions
Construction Definitions
AUDITOR - People who go in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.
BID - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
BID OPENING - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
COMPLETION DATE - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
CONTRACTOR - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt
under perfect control.
DELAYED PAYMENT - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE - The cost of construction in heaven.
LAWYER - People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
LOW BIDDER - A manufacturer's rep, who is wondering what he left out.
PROJECT MANAGER - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is
in a different union.
STRIKE - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Doug Bunch
"I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 06:34:09 -0700
From: Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Old Time Slang <Clean>
"Ah, come on, honey, don't be stubborn,
this'll make your shimmy shake." So I just
got tired of the argument, and I said, "I
don't need to drink, to shake my shimmy. I
can strut my stuff on tea."
Katherine Anne Porter
Pale Horse, Pale Rider, 1939
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 10:23:01 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Flatulence Categorized (bodily functions warning)
Subject: Flatulence Categorized (Part I --of II)
From: Hinjiwar
All farts are divided into two groups:
1. Your Farts
2. Somebody Else's Farts
THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some
time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who
later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an
Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is
identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by
traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is
foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then
someone will say, who farted in the back seat?
THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying
this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear
one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh,
particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in
it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard
the rare Barred Owl Fart.
THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is
its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have
snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common
following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can
be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the
Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a
Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the
end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of
farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in
describing this far any further.
THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is
usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their
butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a
fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may
escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some
great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true
Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first
tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts,
known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already
guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of
all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be
identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You
enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a
fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens
to smell like a fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens
is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time.
After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest
and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be
proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins,
and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted,
off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk
will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john.
It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was,
somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he
will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe
watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes
thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed
altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies
this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this
way. It is rare.
THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts
- a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If
you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit,
which would be understandable.
THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only
difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of
funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who
farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when
he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed
how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any
other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he
thinks is best.
THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it
quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch
it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name,
as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to
farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most
diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart
there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he
has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on
for at least fifteen seconds.
THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the
tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will
even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.
THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man.
The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives
the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is
ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a
fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate
Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It
sounds like a fart that hurts.
THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of
the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much.
You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically
becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really
shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping
through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even
bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is
supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No
fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that
would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest
of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart.
It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as
pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that
gets caught crossway, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable
effort.
THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your
ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a
day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a
windy day.
THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good
fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking
to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never
know.
THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look
around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of
there.
THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually
a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 12:39:56 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: And you thought YOU were having a bad day!
The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the
motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,
still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door
and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics
to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some
papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the
toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and
the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into
the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the
toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband
laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was
suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and
began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the
stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and
the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the
stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining
steps and broke his ankle.
(Note: This is at least a third generation re-post, so I don't have
any clue as to the original source. I just hope it hasn't been
posted very recently to HUMOR.)
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 13:39:08 -0400
From: Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: Low premium insurance scheme for elephants (real news)
India News Network Digest Thu, 5 June 97 Volume 2 : Issue DC
#12. Low premium insurance scheme for elephants
A comprehensive low premium insurance scheme for domestic elephants was
introduced in Kerala by the Oriental Insurance Company and the All Kerala
Elephant Owners' Association. The scheme covers death of the animal, loss
to third party's life and property by the animal and injury and death of
the mahout. Besides, there is a provision for payment of an additional sum
of Rs 25,000 towards cremation expenses in the event of death of the
insured elephant. It is claimed that the premium of 2.14 per cent under
the scheme is the lowest. There are at least 1,000 domestic elephants owned
by 314 persons in addition to scores of others owned by boards in Kerala.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 10:44:44 -0700
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: The Diary of a Digital Boatowner
NOTE: prior approval was obtained from the Larry Randall, co-listowner, to
slightly exceed the 100 line limit.
Phil Herring's Nightmare. OR
The Diary of a Digital Boatowner:
Day 1: Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hunter 450 at last. Finally, I
live on the smartest Boat in the Marina. Everything's networked. The cable
TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal computer,
which is connected to the shore-power lines, all the appliances and the
security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest
interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Day 2: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked
the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I arrived.
Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Day 3: Had to call the Smartboat people today about bandwidth problems. The
TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist
it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How do they
expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?
Day 4: Got my first Smartboat invoice today and was unpleasantly surprised.
I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine
interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of a lot of
GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on
the invoice.
Day 5: Yesterday, the galley CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Call the cable company (but not from the galley phone). They refer me to the
utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. So the
software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my boat processor.
Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I
just want my galley back. More phone calls; more remote diag's.
Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had
never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy
logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire
galley. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been
a power surge, the galley logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a
standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has
ever happened. Rebooting the galley took over an hour.
Day 6: The marina security people are not happy. The boat keeps calling them
for help. We discover that whenever I play the TV or stereo above 25
decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when
they hit the lexan hatches. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind,
the security sensors are actuated, and the marina security computer
concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the bilge is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal
remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have
to get up off the settee and change the channels by hand. The software and
the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade --
Smartboat 2.1. But it's not ready yet.
Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the GPS is secretly tuning into the
cable system to see Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that
same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is not tuning
in to old I Love Lucy episodes.
Day 7: I just bought the new Microsoft Boatmanager. Took 93 gigabytes of
storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The boat should be much easier to
use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to
Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my boat now--it's really the
bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.
Day 8: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft Boatmanager. I keep
getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to operate the Radar.
Day 9: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the boat. My personal
computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home
and the main salon is a sauna, the V-berth ports are covered with ice, the
refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the bilge, the
mainsail roller-furling is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the
home shopping channel. Through-out the boat, lights flicker like
stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere.
Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME
TO BoatWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble, there's no
virus like the BoatWrecker...).
Day 10: They think they've digitally disinfected the boat, but the place is
a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the
part of the virus that attacks marine-heads. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as
the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the
worst is over. "BoatWrecker is pretty bad" one of them tells me, "but
consider yourself lucky you didn't get Blackbeard. That one is really evil."
Day 11: Apparently, my boat isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and
Hurricanes, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with
the Smartboat people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are
null and void if any appliance or computer in my boat networks in any way,
shape
or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very, sorry,
but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created.
I call my lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!
Day 12: I get a call from a SmartBoat sales rep. As a special offer, I get
the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new Smartboat
2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers Personally.
"Sure," I tell him.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 14:25:16 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Your Tax Dollars at Work -or- How Congress Spends It's Valuable Time
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WASHINGTON (AP) (c) -- It was a rare moment in the nation's capital.
Bipartisan bickering gave way to zesty sauces and gooey cheeses all atop a
golden brown crust.
Lawmakers celebrated pizza.
One hundred years ago, pizza arrived from Naples, Italy. In honor of what
has possibly become America's favorite dinner, lunch, snack and, yes,
breakfast, Congress on Wednesday declared June 4 National Pizza Day.
"All of us realize that regardless of what our ethnic background is, just
about all of us eat pizza, and we've become pizza-lovers," the
proclamation's sponsor, Rep. Floyd Flake, a New York Democrat, said before
a crowd assembled on the Capitol steps. It's "a universal kind of
delicacy."
Credit for pizza is first owed to a Roman statesman and author, Cato, who
wrote in 200 B.C. of flat rounds of baked dough topped with olive oil and
herbs. Centuries later, Neapolitans added crushed tomatoes. Pizza hit the
United States when Italians began immigrating here in the 1890s. From
there, Americans have taken the basic sauce-and-cheese format and topped it
with sausage, pepperoni, green peppers, onions, anchovies, pineapple and
just about anything else they can think of.
In honor of the culinary treat, Flake and New York City restaurateur and
singer Tony Modica led a crowd in singing "Happy Birthday" to a Pizza Hut
pie loaded with toppings and decorated with a "100" birthday candle.
Afterwards, Modica, along with an entourage of fellow pizza aficionados,
performed his "Pizza Dance," a Macarena-inspired line dance that simulates
the pizza-maker pounding the dough, tossing it into the air and then
shoving it into the oven.
"I know that the pizza-maker, he has an art in his hand, but most of them
don't realize that," Modica said. "And it's so beautiful, to be making
pizzas, especially if you love to do it ... you have a lot of emotions as
you're making pizzas."
And of course the celebration ended on an appropriate note with plenty of
pizza-eating.
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 18:31:11 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: It's all about choices...
"It's your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude." -
Jesse Jackson
ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING
By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood
and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he
was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him
around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry
was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee
was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on
the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and
asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time.
How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have
two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose
to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something
bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it.
I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I
can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side
of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all
the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be
in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live
life."
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant
industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about
him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed
to do in a restaurant business: He left the back door open one morning and
was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the
safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The
robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly
and rushed to the local trauma center.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released
from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he
was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind
as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was
that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied.
"Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could
choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was
going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I
saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really
scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take
action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry.
"She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors
and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply... I took a deep
breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am
choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his
amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to
live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
You have 2 choices now:
1. Save or delete this mail from your mail box.
2. Forward it to your dear ones and choose to pass this on. I hope you will
choose choice 2. :-)
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 16:40:52 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: followup and online humor
If I can ask the list's brief indulgence for a non-humor explanation: my
recent forwarding of Jokemaster's Hurricane Quiz WAS complete; I should have
said that it was condensed--NOT abbreviated--due to HUMOR list rules. My
apologies, especially to those who wrote me asking for the rest of the
piece. Here's are a couple of additional recent posts from Jokemaster
<JokeMaster@JokeMaster.com>:
TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES
And, yes, they all really exist...
10. dam.mit.edu
9. monarch.butterfly.net
8. gratuitouslylonghostname.apana.org.au
7. drag.net
6. my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu
5. tragically.hip.berkeley.edu
4. dislocated.hip.berkeley.edu
3. ohsaycan.ucc.american.edu
2. huh_huh.fire.com
1. vo.mit.edu
Thanks Tracy Shaw
---
NEWSGROUPS THAT FLOPPED
alt.sex.lesbian.steel_workers
alt.aviation.kamikazi.pilots
alt.sex.gay.policemen
alt.sex.straight_actors_guild
alt.aviation.hang_gliders.quadraplegic
comp.os.win95.happy_users
alt.military.deutchland.ss.former.hit-squad.members
alt.religion.jewish.oversexed.girls
alt.justice.free.charles.manson
alt.medical.proctologist.talk
Thanks JLASSWELL@aol.com (write to subscribe)
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 22:20:03 EDT
From: Arthur A Plante <payrollcdp@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A gold miners problems<adult>
During the California gold rush, there were many stories. This is one
of them
A miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's
carrying a sack of gold..The first thing he does is head to the local
saloon.
As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says
'Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to
take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town.
Take out a few bucks for your troubles'
The bartender hollers out 'Sorry mac there aren't any women in town.
All we got is a Chinaman'
The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, ' Never
mind I don't go for that shit'
The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't return for 6
weeks.
When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the
original one.
Again he heads for the saloon and states 'Hey barkeep give everybody
whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up
to my room & take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best
women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles'
The bartender again bellows out 'Sorry mate we still have no women in
town. The stagecoach that was bring them in had problems. All we got is
that Chinaman'
This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few
seconds & says 'Never mind I don't go for that shit'
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This
time he's gone for another month & when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold
both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon
He enters throws one of the bags on the bar & says 'Hey barkeep drinks
are on me till that bag is gone,keep some for yourself. I'm going
upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and
two of the prettiest women in town'
Again the bartender says ' Sorry mac the women never did get here. The
only thing we got is the Chinaman'
This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs and finally
says 'OK send the Chinaman up'
The bartender replies' That will be $600.00 in advance'
The miner turns around in disbelief and says ' WHAT $600.00 for a
Chinaman?'
The bartender replies' No Sir The $600.00 is for the three guys that are
going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that shit either.
Arthur at the base of Cape Cod
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