Digest for Tuesday, July 01, 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 784 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Faux pas
- Men at Work
- Humor:offensive to housewives?
- RURAL COMPUTER LANGUAGE,
- Quip from Kinky Friedman
- The hospital bill (another one)
- Darwin Award Candidates
- Twisted takes on Tysons dining habits...
- What to major in while in college (offensive to college professors?)
- Wisdom from the past
- New lingo (part 1)
- Good Skin
- Humor:Personal Ads
- Top5 - 7/2/97 - Surprises in Hong Kong
- Suicide (poss. off to rednecks)
- An opinion from natural preditors-not offensive
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 11:43:50 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Faux pas <clean>
Some are just slips of the tongue
.Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
.Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
.Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
.House passes gas tax onto senate
.Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
.Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
.William Kelly was fed secretary
.Milk drinkers are turning to powder
.Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
.Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
.Farmer bill dies in house
.Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive
.Queen Mary having bottom scraped
.Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
.Prostitutes appeal to Pope
.Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
.NJ judge to rule on nude beach
.Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Grammar often botches other headlines
.Eye drops off shelf
.Squad helps dog bite victim
.Dealers will hear car talk at noon
.Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
.Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
.Miners refuse to work after death
.Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
.Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from
the one intended:
.Never withhold herpes from loved one
.Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
.Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
.Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious
.If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
.War dims hope for peace
.Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
.Cold wave linked to temperatures
.Child's death ruins couple's holiday
.Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
.Man is fatally slain
.Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
.Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
C h a L a P a t h I
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 03:50:10 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Men at Work <adult humor>
* As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called
his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time
we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks
on the door."
- - - - -
* The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride
stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.
"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively.
"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
- - - - -
* A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his
wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first
caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week." the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some
pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next
door pounded on the wall and yelled 'Can't you at least stop all
that racket on the weekends ?'"
- - - - -
* Perhaps you've heard about the Lead Programmer who broke his nose in
amorous circumstances. He was making love to a female coder, doggie
style. She thought she heard a noise and ran under the desk.
- - - - -
* A sweet young thang was having her annual check-up at the dentist's.
He gave her the usual "Now this won't hurt a bit." as he leaned over
her to begin. Seconds later, he drew back in shock and exclaimed,
"Miss ! You have hold of my testicles."
"Yes, I know doctor." she replied. "And we aren't going to hurt each
other at all, are we ?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 08:32:28 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:offensive to housewives?
Subject: A LETTER FROM MARTHA STEWART
Monday, 9:00 a.m.
Hi Loretta,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper
I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it
snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn
wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out
my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to
make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from
DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and
napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard
Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little
secret: I didn't have time to make the table and chairs this
morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I
decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted
the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.
Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique
candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of
pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian
clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes
on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the
sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the
glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast
guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000 cranberries to
string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.
It's a good thing.
Love,
Martha Stewart
P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used
1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture
of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked,
and crushed last week just for fun!
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 13:48:55 GMT
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: RURAL COMPUTER LANGUAGE,
Log On : Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off : Don't add any more wood.
Monitor : Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download : Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes).
Floppy Disk: Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood.
Disk Operating System : The equipment the Doc uses when you have a
floppy disk.
RAM : The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive : Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt : What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows : What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen : What you need for black fly season.
Byte : What black flies do.
Chip : What to munch on.
Micro Chip : What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared : Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem : What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix : John Matrix's wife.
Printer : Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top : Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard : Where you hang your keys.
Software : Them plastic eatin' utensils.
486 : One of them fancy imported cars.
Mouse : What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame : The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port : Fancy wine.
Enter : C'mon in!
Random Access Memory : When you suddenly can't remember how much
that new rifle costs when your wife asks.
Digital : Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
Apple : If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'.
Program : What's on the TV when there's reception.
CD ROM : The place in the back where they sell retirement accounts.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 10:35:57 -0400
From: David Seppala <DSeppala@AOL.COM>
Subject: Quip from Kinky Friedman <Jews >
My girlfriend read this in a book from Kinky Friedman.
A man meets a guy walking down the street and says, "I don't mean to
offend you but you look just like Heinrich Himler."
The man replies, "I am Heinrich Himler. I've been living here for 30
years and I'm going to kill 6 million more Jews and three NFL players!"
"Who are the three NFL players?"
Himler replies, "The Fuhrer was right. Nobody cares about the Jews."
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 11:03:12 -0600
From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: The hospital bill (another one)
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The
operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was
reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going
to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to
God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 11:51:38 -0700
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Darwin Award Candidates
Here's a couple of nominations for the Darwin award...
**********
Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths
of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the
Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the
Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of
Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe
lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal
cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him,
some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore
unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton,
Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When
they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and
drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between
the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden
security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in.
They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that
Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on
the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was
a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite
inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half
the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left
forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch.
Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and
his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his
shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from
himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The
"soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a
massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a
holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself.
The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and
stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter
his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this
and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He
hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over
the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by
his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could
use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state,
Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the
fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and
subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man
with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to
be" said Commissioner Appleton.
**********
Derrick L. Richardson, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Ken E. Richardson.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a
semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver. (For the
gun-unschooled: There is much less mystery to the game if played with a
semiautomatic, in which the one bullet automatically goes to the firing
chamber.)
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 15:49:32 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Twisted takes on Tyson's dining habits...
Here's a selection of newspaper headlines on Sunday and Monday from the
Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight and its aftermath:
"A Bad Bite for Boxing" - The News & Observer of Raleigh. "Twice Bitten" -
Times-Picayune of New Orleans.
"Bite of the Century!" - Arizona Republic.
"Bite Night" - Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader.
"Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night" - The Record of Hackensack, N.J.
"Reality Bites" - Times Union of Albany, N.Y.
"Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell" - Salt Lake
Tribune.
"Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The (Baltimore) Sun.
"Biting Commentary" - The Boston Herald.
"Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield" - Huntsville (Ala.) Times.
"Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson" - The Indianapolis Star.
"Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight" - Sun-Sentinel, Fort
Lauderdale, Fla.
"Earmarks of cowardice" - Houston Chronicle.
"Earmark of an eerie night" - The Atlanta Journal and the Atlanta
Constitution.
"A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins" - Kansas City Star.
"From Champ to Chomp" - The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C.
"The Champ and the Chomp" - The Jersey Journal.
"Holyfield Still Chomp-ion" - San Francisco Examiner.
"Heavyweight Chomp" - Philadelphia Inquirer.
"Undisputed Chomp" - USA Today.
"World Chomp" - The Sun (London).
"Requiem for a Chompion" - Philadelphia Daily News.
"Sucker Munch" - The Sun (London).
"Biting Back: Evander has public's ear" - Daily News, New York.
"Toss Tyson Out on Ear" - Daily News, New York.
"Ear Flap" - Newsday.
"Ears Have It! Evander Wins" - Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser.
"Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" - Providence Journal-Bulletin.
"Dracula" - New York Post.
"Champ Chewing Over Legal Options" - New York Post.
"It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat" - New York Post.
"For Tyson, Tooth Hurts" - New York Post.
"Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible" - New York Post.
"Lobe Blow for Boxing" - The Tennessean.
"Iron Mike Goes Down Biting" - The Sunday Oklahoman.
"Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next" - The Daily Oklahoman.
"Ear of Scorn" - Kansas City Star.
"Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News.
"Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs" - Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.
"Ear-Responsible" - Fort Worth Star-Telegram.
"Tyson Scars Face of Boxing" - The Guardian (London).
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 12:58:23 -0700
From: Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: What to major in while in college (offensive to college professors?)
College
by (syndicated columnist) DAVE BARRY
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you
young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust
me -- these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand
hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These
include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer stains out
of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
- - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to
forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of
brain cells.
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for
example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of
chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example,
suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.
If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms."
If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 16:32:56 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Wisdom from the past <Indian humor>
Thanks to Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan for this humor about wisdom
from the past.:
One lazy Sunday afternoon
Sundar: Sometimes, what our elders say may not always be true, no.
Rakesh: What are you trying to say ?
Sundar: I am trying to say that not everything that our elders say
fits in modern lives. Some principles need to be changed
over time. Don't you think so ?
Rakesh: I haven't found time to analyse any principles.
Sundar: Like my grandfather, always used to say "Complete whatever
you start. Never leave anything half way."
Rakesh: What is wrong with that ?
Sundar: Well he used to say that while feeding me, but said it
applied well to life in general.
Rakesh: Well, that is why I am asking. What is wrong with that ?
Sundar: Well if I follow that principle, I can't get through a revolving
door, can I ?
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 13:48:54 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: New lingo (part 1)
[A slightly expanded version of a list posted earlier]
From: Martin Lubin <72674.226@CompuServe.COM>, Jeff Rothenberg
<jeff@rand.org>, Dave Wile <wile@ISI.EDU> and Claire Jansa <cjansa@ISI.EDU>
You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest
from the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.
"404"
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found" meaning the requested document couldn't be located. "Don't
bother asking him, he's 404."
"batmobiling"
Putting up emotional shields: from the retracting armor that covers
the batmobile, as in "she started talking marriage and he started
batmobiling."
"beepilepsy"
Afflicts those with vibrating pagers. Characterized by sudden spasms,
goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.
"betamaxed"
When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better
marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the
market."
"blamestorming"
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed and who was responsible.
"blowing your buffer"
Losing your train of thought.
"body nazis"
Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone
who doesn't work out obsessively.
"cobweb"
A WWW site that never changes.
"cube farm"
An office filled with cubicles.
"ego surfing"
Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for
references to one's own name.
"elvis year"
The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's
elvis year."
"generica"
Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in
generica that I couldn't remember what city it was."
"going postal"
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on
shooting rampages.
"high dome"
Egghead, scientist, PhD.
"idea hamsters"
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
"irritainment"
Annoying but you can't stop watching; e.g. the O.J. trial.
"keyboard plaque"
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
"meatspace"
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community"
"facetime" "F2F" "RL."
"mouse potato"
The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
"ohnosecond"
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a big mistake.
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 16:09:22 -0500
From: PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Good Skin
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then
donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor
was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this,
because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her
friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She
was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he
did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough everytime
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
(PHREdd)
(phredd@mcs.net)
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Date: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 18:44:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:Personal Ads
- "Actual" Personal Ads -
* Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of
inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like
hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.
Baby, you are my Tijuana Taxi.
* Me -- trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to
give me a cigarette; you-choking on my odor, tripping over your purse
trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were
blue. Can I have a dollar?
* Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to
fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make
joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of
someone else.
* Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like
screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana
enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.
* I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain,
watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking
strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro,
and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.
* There is a little place in the jumbled sock drawer of my heart where
you match up all the pairs, throw out the ones with holes in them, and
buy me some of those neat dressy ones with the weird black and red
geometrical designs on them.
* Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights,
fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like
Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
* Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad
you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until
you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the
beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his
piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking
you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night,
wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he
would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.
* Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy
with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks
exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy and stinky,
either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No
freaks.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . The check's in your mouth and I won't come in the mail.
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 23:21:55 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 7/2/97 - Surprises in Hong Kong
================================================================
T H E T O P F I V E L I S T
Nominated for 0 Academy Awards
================================================================
Sponsored by Windows Sources
July 2, 1997
The Top 16 Surprises the Chinese Will Discover About Hong Kong
16> Wacky British pranksters have supplied street urchins with
plenty of cream pies & pudding balloons.
15> Local police won't take bushel of rice as a bribe.
14> If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna
make it with anyone anyhow.
13> 21-gun salutes aren't actually intended to kill 21 demonstrators.
12> Everywhere you look: bronze statues of "Hong Kong Phooey."
11> No matter how many times they're imprisoned as political
dissidents, Hong Kong citizens will never completely stop
reciting old Monty Python sketches.
10> Wealthiest landowner? None other than Jed Clampett.
9> Now that Jackie Chan has refused, the government has to find a
new Ambassador of Ass-Kicking.
8> Wimpy Capitalists unable to take more than 5 or 10 minutes of
brutal interrogation before expiring.
7> Confused Clarence Thomas milling about, looking for "Hong Kong
Silver."
6> Favorite flavor at Ben and Jerry's? "Mao Sucks."
5> No tank HOV lanes.
4> Insisting it wasn't part of the deal, China refuses to accept
Great Britain's attempt to "return" Fergie.
3> An hour later, you want to reclaim another state.
2> That Peter Jennings guy sure can trash a hotel room.
and the Number 1 Surprise the Chinese
Will Discover About Hong Kong...
1> If everybody skootches over, you can fit 100 million people
in here!
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
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Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 00:35:48 -0400
From: Kristina Jansen <KTCJRCA@AOL.COM>
Subject: Suicide (poss. off to rednecks)
This is my first posting so here goes!
--------------------------------------------------
A German an Italian and a redneck are working on a construction crew and at
lunch they go to the top of the building to eat. One day the German opens
his bag and says "Bratwurst again, if I have bratwurst one more time I'll
jump off this building and kill myself!" Then the Italian opens his bag and
says "spagetti again, if I have spagetti one more time I'll jump off this
building and kill myself!" Then the redneck opens his bag "bologna again, if
I have bologna one more time I'll jump off this building and kill myself!"
The next day the three men are up on the building and
they all have the same thing as the day before. They all jump one at a time,
the German first and the redneck last.
At the funeral the German's wife is sobbing "if I'd only known!" The
Italian's wife is crying and saying the same thing.
"Don't look at me" says the redneck's wife "he always packed his own
lunches!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Hope you liked it! Kristina
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Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 22:20:02 -0700
From: Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: An opinion from natural preditors-not offensive
This was first written for the population of bobcats being crowded
by the suburban expansion in the Orange County area of California.
Since then it has been endorsed by the coyote population, and
populations of other natural predators being pushed out of their
natural habitats.
You move your homes into my abode/
You bulldoze a canyon for a toll road/
You have an airport for supersonic jets/
So, I'll come down and eat your pets./
Author unknown; printed in the Orange Section of the L.A. Times,
Sunday, June 29, 1997.
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