Digest for Thursday, July 03, 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 666 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Joke-rated :Thanxgiving
- Sex: A Driving Force
- A couple of tidbits .....?? (off. to women)
- Another Beverly Hillbillies theme
- Corporate Mentality at the Symphony
- Humor - Its A Wacky World!
- a story about a couple of drunks
- HUMOR: Gardening
- Astrological Signs needed to change a lightbulb
- The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer
- Know Less, Earn More
- A business opportunnity ( Potentially offensive to amway )
- new lingo (part 2)
- Doctor Jokes - Part 2
- Birth Control (sexual R-Rated)
- Definitions for the family
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 10:12:00 PDT
From: RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-rated :Thanxgiving
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that
she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below
her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving"
under
the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry
Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "if
you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual
tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time
that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
CHEERS......!!!!!!
nikhil rao
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 02:20:02 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Sex: A Driving Force <adult humor>
* I understand the Italian government is considering installing a
clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Reason ?
Well, what good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't
have the time.
- - - - -
* The other evening a really shy friend of mine spotted a real
knock out in a bar a few stools away. He moved over and sat next
to her, but was too embarrassed to speak. So, he ordered his next
drink and one for her, and paid for them both. She nodded her
thanks, but neither spoke.
This went on for three rounds. Finally, emboldened by the liquor,
he said, "Pardon me. But do you ever go to bed with strange men ?"
"I never have before," she said smiling, "but I believe you've
talked me into it, you clever silver-tongued devil, you."
- - - - -
* To the astonishment of all, Martin, a real playboy announced his
intentions to marry. Speculations ran high as to how long he could
and would remain faithful. All doubt was removed by his toast to the
bridesmaids, all centerfold material, at the wedding reception.
"Ladies," he said, "I want to wish all of you the best of luck, and
to extend the hope that each of you will, in the near future, take the
place of the bride."
- - - - -
* One prostitute said to another: "Could you lend me a couple of hundred
until I get back on my back ?"
- - - - -
* It was the first day for the salesgirl at the maternity shop. It had
been a hectic day; the store had been crowded from the moment the doors
opened. Just as she thought she was gonna get a break, a new flood of
customers poured in.
"Ye Gads," she cried, "doesn't anyone do it for fun any more ?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ? Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 08:06:20 -0400
From: Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A couple of tidbits .....?? (off. to women)
************************************************************************
News Flash !! News Flash !!
Q: Did you hear that they have developed a food that will reduce a
women's sexual appetite by 80%!!
A: Its called wedding cake!!
***********************************************************************
Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe ?
A: Fur traders!!!!!
********************************
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 11:12:18 +0000
From: Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Another Beverly Hillbillies theme <sexual>
THE BALLAD OF JOHN AND LORENA BOBBIT
(sing to the theme of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
"Penis, that is,"
"Clean cut, missed his nuts"
Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his
side, And Lorena's in the car takin' "willie" for a
ride. She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the next
bend.
"Curve that is"
"Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs"
She went to the cops an confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie
back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed
"over there," To John Waynes' "Henry" that was waving
in the air.
"Found it that is"
"By a fence, evidence"
Now "Peter" and John coundn't stay apart too long, So a
Dick Doc said, "Hey, I can fix your severed dong!" A
needle and some thread is all you're gonna need, And
the whole world waited 'till they heard that Johnny
peed.
"Whizzed that is,"
"Even seam, straight stream"
Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to
court, With a little cockeyed lawyer since his assets
came up short. They cleared her of assault and
acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only
thing they didn't show on tape.
"Video that is"
"Unexposed, CASE CLOSED"
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 09:43:11 -0400
From: Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Corporate Mentality at the Symphony
CORPORATE MENTALITY AT THE SYMPHONY
A corporation president wsa given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's
Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she passed the ticket on
to her first lieutenant. The next morning the president asked him how he
enjoyed it, and instead of receiving a few pleasant observations of the
performance, she was handed a memorandum which read as follows:
1. For a considerable time, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be
drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this
could be obtained through the use of amplification.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the sixteenth notes. This seems
an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be
rounded up to the nearest eight note. If this were done, it would be
possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages
were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty
minutes.
5. This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his
musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have
stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In
light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the
symphony.
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 11:41:05 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!
BOSTON (AP)(c) - The governor is in a pickle over cookies.
Gov. William F. Weld must decide if he's going to sign or veto a bill that
would make the tollhouse cookie the state's official cookie.
The Legislature has given the OK, but Weld has already pledged allegiance
to another local favorite - the Fig Newton.
``You got to stick with Fig Newtons. Everybody I knew grew up with Fig
Newtons ... they're delicious,'' Weld said in April.
The governor must make up his mind by July 10, the end of his customary
10-day waiting period to review legislation.
``This one may go to the 10th day,'' Rob Gray, Weld's spokesman, said
Wednesday when pressed about the cookie dilemma. ``There's a lot of
controversy among the senior staff about which way to go on this one.''
The cookie dispute has pitted the town of Whitman against the city of
Newton.
Whitman used to be home to the Toll House Restaurant, where the
chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1930. President John F. Kennedy
used to stop in for batches when he traveled between Boston and Cape
Cod while he was a U.S. senator.
Newton is the city for which Nabisco has named the chewy Fig Newton.
State Rep. Kathleen Teehan, who once worked at the Toll House
Restaurant, pushed to make the toll house cookie the state cookie at the
request of a third-grade class.
Teehan has already tried to tip the scales in her favor. She recently
delivered a batch of tollhouse cookies to the governor's office. There was
only one problem, according to Gray.
``I don't know if he ever saw them. The last I saw them, they were going
pretty fast with the staff.''
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 14:36:33 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> a story about a couple of drunks
From: NAME: Kitty <KTOTMAN@AM@ITHACA>
Subject: FWD:JOKE: DWI?
Two drunks are driving down the highway drinking beer.
All of a sudden they see a police car's lights flashing in
the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the
drunk passenger.
"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your
bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the
talking."
They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your
license and registration?" he asks. The guy gives him
his license. "Have you been drinking?"
"No officer. We haven't."
"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you
haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked.
"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."
"Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"
The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics,
and we're on the patch."
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 17:00:20 -0400
From: Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Gardening <not offensive>
The following is an exchange of email between me and a friend on the topic of
gardening. I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did. Bob is an
experienced gardener. I am well known for my black thumb, but never-the-less,
began my first real garden this spring, with Bob's input. (Just for a note
of reference concerning the first part of his reply, I also lead a girl scout
troop and have a large tree in my yard.)
Me:
It's raining today. I love the rain now. If I could just fashion some big
net over the whole yard and fill it with horse crap then my watering and
fertilizing would be done.
Bob's reply:
Congratulations! You know you truly are a gardener when ingenious methods
of watering and fertilizing come to mind. This could result in your being
mentioned in a Dave Barry column. "An alert reader in Portland, Oregon
sent a fax of a newspaper article about a local Girl Scout leader who was
arrested for having the girls in her troop pack horse doody to the top of a
150 ft tall old-growth maple. Anine Sager of Portland was quoted as saying
'This gardening is a load of horse $%^& anyway.' as she was led from her
holding cell to her arraingment." Just think, you could be famous!
Soon, if it hasn't already happened, the leading man in your sexual
fantasies will begin to change from Sam Elliot to Ed Hume. You will lose
all interest in bathing or other personal hygine. You will get up in the
middle of the night to go outside to personally execute slugs by sqeezing
their little antennaed heads off. You will then impale their little faces
on toothpicks to scare away would-be intruders. This works on others of
God's creatures but has no effect whatsoever on slugs. (You know this, but
it doesn't stop you anyway.) You will have your own parking space at your
favorite mega-hardware store. At first you will swear to "go totally
organic" but after a short time, will have the equivalent of a doctorate
in chemistry. You will also have a degree in meteorology, with your own
satellite and doppler radar.
But wait, there's more...at harvest time, you will spend an average of 70
hours a week picking, packing, and pickling produce. You will no longer
recognize members of your immediate family. You will set your VCR to tape
every garden-related program on every channel, 24 hours a day, which you
will then watch instead of sleeping. You will never go on vacation again.
You will hate your life and everyone in it. You will eat vegetables you
detest simply because you grew them. You will also force anyone unlucky
enough to know you to eat vegetables they detest simply because you grew
them. You will not notice that you have been shunned by all who love you,
or that every house on you street has been abandoned by its former
inhabitants, not bothering to attempt to sell. Your family will gather
signatures to have all home gardening banned in Oregon.
And then, sometime in late September, you will want to kill yourself
because nothing hurts more than watching your beloved garden start the
hibernation process. The dying plants will make you ponder your own
mortality. You will wonder which season of life you are currently
in...summer?...autumn? Large questions will come to mind that have never
entered your consciousness before. You will feel and overwheming sense of
melancholy as you realize that summer is truly over, and that you are
separated from the next season by a billion miles of interstellar space.
And then, sometime in late January, a beautiful, sunny day will remind you
that the earth does in fact turn, that the days are not always going to be
4 and half hours of daylight, and that in a few short months, you will be
breaking the crust of the earth again, wounding it in your need, and that
she will reward you for your strength to do this because that's what
mothers do. Then, you will plan your second garden.
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 15:32:21 -0400
From: Barcillo <barcillo@ECUA.NET.EC>
Subject: Astrological Signs needed to change a lightbulb<off. to all signs>
How do Different Astrological Signs Change Lightbulbs?
How many of your sign does it take to change a lightbulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out
one is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help
them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.00000 with an error of +/- 0.00001 (p=0.01).
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that
two. Is that OK with you?
Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Capricorn: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?
Sagitarius: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
PS: I am a Capricorn
barcillo@gu.pro.ec
http://www.geocities.com/NapaValley/1155/index.html
Visit the Booze Zone.- Humor, Music and suggestions on Alcohol
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 21:19:39 GMT
From: Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
Police Officer.
You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer
test, now stick this in your mouth and blow
Did you happen to attend the Barney Fife Police Academy?
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend 's
nightstand.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the
camcorder.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to
you.
So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
Aren't you the guy from the village people?
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead
of me.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with
your gun when you were little?
Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I
love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my
lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, man, you want a hit?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
----------
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 15:37:32 -0700
From: Michael J. Irvin <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Know Less, Earn More
In case you've ever wondered why dumb people seem to get an unfair share of
the promotions, here is a simple explanation that is also a mathematical proof.
Work
Power = -----
Time
If Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, then
Work
Knowledge = -----
Money
Solving for money, we get:
Work
Money = -----
Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of
the Work done. What this means is:
The Less you Know, the More you Make.
======================================================================
Michael J. Irvin e-mail: irvinmj@wsu.edu
Information Technology Phone: 509/335-0437
Washington State University FAX: 509/335-3421
Pullman, WA 99164-1222 Pager: 509/336-2111
======================================================================
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 18:46:35 -0600
From: Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: A business opportunnity ( Potentially offensive to amway )
Thanks to all of you who responded with the ridiculous host names. the list
keeps growing, I'm going to put it in a couple of weks on my website.
*phone rings*
Hello?
"Hi, wanna come to a meeting?"
What is it about?
"It's a business opportunity."
Is it Amway?
"What's Amway?"
Is it Amway?
"I can't tell you."
Is it Amway?
"I can't tell you."
If it's Amway. I'm not interested.
"Well then, we don't need you, you sorry, lowlife,
destined-to-live-in-poverty, ignorant loser. Can mom come to the phone?"
____________________________________________
Antonio Oliveros Fernandez.
oliveros@mail.internet.com.mx
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839
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Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 19:15:53 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: new lingo (part 2)
[A slightly expanded version of a list posted earlier]
From: Martin Lubin <72674.226@CompuServe.COM>, Jeff Rothenberg
<jeff@rand.org>, Dave Wile <wile@ISI.EDU> and Claire Jansa <cjansa@ISI.EDU>
You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest
from the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles.
"percussive maintenance"
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.
"Perot"
To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
"prairie dogging"
In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and
everyone pops up to look.
"ribs 'n' dick"
A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed
to find 20K for memory upgrades."
"salmon day"
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.
"siliwood"
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers.
Also "hollywired"
"SITCOM"
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
"square headed girlfriend" (or boyfriend)
Computer.
"squirt the bird"
To transmit a signal up to a satellite.
"starter marriage"
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no
property and no regrets.
"stress puppy"
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
"swiped out"
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away after extensive use.
"tourists"
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were
tourists."
"treeware"
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
"uninstalled"
Euphemism for being fired.
"world wide wait"
WWW.
"Xerox subsidy"
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.
"yuppie food coupons"
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 09:30:22 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Doctor Jokes - Part 2 <clean>
* The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are
the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little
change..."
* Heard on Leno's monologue:
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
* There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be
differentiated by the following method:
General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too
late.
* A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
* A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while,
and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is
ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited
for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Chalapathi
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Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 00:35:16 -0400
From: PHREdd <phredd@MCS.NET>
Subject: Birth Control (sexual R-Rated)
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes
of condoms. The father replies..."Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for
when you're in High School. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday
night."
The son then asks his father,"What's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well that's for when you're in College. You have 2 for
Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father, "What the 12 pack is for?"
The father replies, "That's for when you're married. You have one for
January, one for February, one for March.....
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Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 01:36:27 -0400
From: George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Re: Definitions for the family
Matt Williamson <a034603t@bc.seflin.org> added some items to my family
members definitions.
>That was hysterical. FWIW, you forgot one definition that i fit, and one
>i've observed:
>
>brother-in-law--someone who will play with the young child(ren) for hours
>(or minutes), only returning the child(ren) when they cry or need their
>diaper(s) changed.
> As the child(ren) grow(s) older, the brother-in-law inadvertantly
>develops an uncanny knack for getting the child(ren) (and himself) in
>trouble with the parent(s).
>
>sister-in-law--someone who will also play with the young child(ren) for
>hours; usually they will change the diaper(s) and attempt to sooth crying
>child(ren).
> Unmarried sister-in-laws tend to suggest (i.e. nag) their boyfriend
>about how "great" it would be to get married and have their own
>child(ren).
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