Digest for Saturday, August 02, 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 192 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Marriage
- HUMOR - Time
- Actual questions posed by lawyers
- Humor: Never . . .
- SPEED III (no off)
- 7 Dwarfs (offensive to dwarfs & Catholics)
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Date: Sat, 2 Aug 1997 03:27:18 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Marriage
* Marriage is the most expensive way I know of for each partner
to discover all of the other's faults.
- - - - -
* It's been said that marriage is like a novel unfolding. Yeah !
Right !!! But... the hero dies in the first chapter.
- - - - -
* Our neighbor Kim's husband told her he wanted more "space"...
So, she locked him out of the house.
- - - - -
* Marriage is the only war I ever heard of
where you sleep with the enemy.
- - - - -
* I got four invitations to eat out this week --
all from my wife.
- - - - -
* Been doing a lot of exterior painting and staining. The other
nite, Mrs JimJr said, "Oh hon you look exhausted. How about a
nice thick steak, onion rings, fries, salad and a nice wine ?"
I told her, "No thanks, I'm too tired to eat out."
- - - - -
* With just the two of us here, it gets kinda quiet sometimes.
The other nite though, it was even quieter than usual. After an
hour or so I said, "Dear, you haven't nagged me all nite, are you
feeling OK ?"
- - - - -
* When my son first start dating he said, "I want to marry a good
woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a
woman who will make me happy."
I told him he'd better make up his mind.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
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Date: Sat, 2 Aug 1997 08:35:43 -0600
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR - Time
"Time's fun when you're having flies," said the frog.
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Date: Sat, 2 Aug 1997 10:38:24 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Actual questions posed by lawyers <may be off. to lawyers>
"Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the 20-year-old--how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collission?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
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Date: Sat, 2 Aug 1997 07:04:00 -0600
From: Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Never . . .
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
heavier. -Anonymous
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your
mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the
"Mayflower Madam"
Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words
"large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area
altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless
applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh cow dropping on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the
local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-Anonymous member of a chain gang
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It
annoys them very much. -G.K. Chesterton
Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's
no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said,
"Look, it's always gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow
Wilson
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder
is in the room. -Winston Churchill
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-Geraldo Rivera
Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the
facts. -Ruth Gordon
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel.
-American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.
-=} Randall {=- randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet
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Date: Sat, 2 Aug 1997 22:08:53 +0200
From: Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: SPEED III (no off)
Two man jump out of a plane. According to instructions they pull the
yellow cord and this should open up their parachutes. It works indeed for
one of them. The other parachute doesn't do what it's made for and the man
tied to it cries: 'My parachute wont't open ! MY PARACHUTE WON'T OPEN !'.
Says the other guy: 'Stop yelling. No one will blame you, it's just an
exercise.'
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Date: Sat, 2 Aug 1997 22:21:07 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: 7 Dwarfs (offensive to dwarfs & Catholics)
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the
church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about
my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three
feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he
listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
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