Digest for Sunday, August 03, 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 465 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Politics
- more real questions asked by lawyers--this time w/answers
- offensive to Mormons
- Ultimate product warnings
- Optimists and Pessimists
- Shipwrecked
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- Confession Humor
- Body language
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 03:43:28 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Politics
* These days there's a new tradition in Washington. Now, when a
politician retires, they give him a testimonial probe.
- - - - -
* What's the difference between crime and politics ?
In politics, you take the money and run, but for re-election.
- - - - -
* But I'm not being entirely fair. Politicians didn't invent crime...
They've just improved on it.
- - - - -
* Most politicians have three hats. One they wear, one they toss in
the ring, and the third, they talk through.
- - - - -
* A real politician can easily be spotted by his answers...
They're so long and rambling, most people forget the question.
- - - - -
* It's a damn shame who runs for office though. All of the people who
really know how to run the country are driving cabs or cutting hair.
- - - - -
* Ever hear of a politician being called a "statesman" ?
All that means is that they haven't been caught at anything yet.
- - - - -
* I find most candidates more than ready and willing...
Now if they were only "able" too.
- - - - -
* People keep saying "Things just can't go on like this."
They're right. In Washington, they just get worse.
* * * * *
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 07:17:06 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: more real questions asked by lawyers--this time w/answers <poss. off.
to lawyers
Q: So the date of conception [of a baby] was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: Yes
Q: And you took your wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and he had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
Q: And was Mr. Dennington dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 15:05:19 -0400
From: Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: offensive to Mormons
Time Magazine featured an extensive article about the Mormons but they didn't
include this one story.
It seems Brigham Young had 27 wives over the years. There was no house big
enough for all of them and it would have created too much havoc, so he
maintained separate households for each wife with her children. He had a
trusty servant John, whose job it was to run across town to each of the
houses to fetch the woman that Brighan Young picked to spend his evening
with. In rain and shine, sleet and snow, John faithfully carried out his
duties, running to the homes, picking up the wife, taking her back the
following morning and resuming his duties at sundown. One day, a blizzard
came upon Salt Lake City, and John was found dead the next morning, covered
under 3 feet of freshly fallen snow.
So, if the facts be told, it's not too much sex that kills you, but the
running after it does.
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 13:27:17 -0700
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Ultimate product warnings
<Thanks to William Noble <William_B_Noble@msn.com> and Anthony H Provost>
Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and
Edward Subitzky (the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1)
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that
present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This
is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are
therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an
intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of
suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for
sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of required
warnings appears below.
--Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
--Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the
Distance Between Them.
--Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
--Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles per Hour.
--Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
--Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
--Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions
of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product
May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
--This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
--Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although
No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process
Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
--Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by
a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive
Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
--Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
--New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be
Detected.
--Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer
Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist
Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
--Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other manufacturers, and No Claim
to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
--Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
--Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space.
Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This
Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.
Jack Kolb (kolb@ucla.edu)
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 20:08:52 -0400
From: Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Optimists and Pessimists <not offensive>
My friend Jeff and I were discussing how optimistic I am and how pessimistic
he is. We were comparing our perspectives on the age-old question: "Is the
glass half empty or half full?" I said that I'd read a great quote which
sums up the true optimist (I don't remember where) "Not only is the glass
half full, but it sits next to an everlasting spring which will never run
dry." Jeff responded that, "Not only is the glass half empty, but somebody
else will probably come along and drink it before I get to it."
Or as Spider Robinson sums it up in the book *Deathkiller* (which I highly
recommend; his new book *Life House* is even better...)
"It is said that the pessimist sees mostly the overwhelming darkness of the
tunnel, and the optimist sees mostly the tiny point of light that promises
the end of it...whereas the realist understands that the light is probably an
oncoming train."
----Copyright 1987 by Spider Robinson --------
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 21:46:51 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Shipwrecked
There were three men out on a boat. It began to storm and their boat was
wrecked.
After the storm, they were washed up on a beach. They started to walk alo=
ng
the beach and found a bottle. They picked it up and started to rub the sa=
nd
off of it when, all of a sudden, a genie popped out. He said, "I am Hassa=
n.
Since you have released me from the bottle, I will grant each of you one
wish."
The first man said, "I really miss my wife and grandchildren. I wish I we=
re
back home." Poof! He was gone.=20
The second man said, "This is great! I wish I were in Hawaii on the beach=
,
with a drink in my hand." Poof! He was gone, too!
The third man looked around and said, "You know, it's lonely around here,=
I
really miss those guys =97 I wish they were back."
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 22:39:50 -0400
From: Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
1997 is now 2/3 of the way over. Do you know where YOUR HUMOR list owners are?
Hi, everyone. This is Jim, with this week's, er, month's Traffic Report.
I send this message to the contributors of the HUMOR list every week, and
on the first Sunday of the month, I send the numbers to the entire list.
First off, in the past few months I have been a bit lax in my duties, for
which I humbly apologize to the entire list. I will be on vacation for the
next couple of weeks, but as soon as I return, I will be much more vigilant
about updating the HUMOR website and keeping the traffic report up-to-date,
sending the reports out the way I did when I first took over this job. I
learned my lesson this morning, when my hard disk crashed, and I needed to
reboot all of my files from scratch. It is for this reason that there is a
possibility that the numbers listed here for the subscribers and
contributors may not be wholly accurate for the "1 Week Ago" line.
Furthermore, if you sent me an email in the past week, and I didn't answer
it, it has been lost, and I therefore request that you send it to me again.
One issue that seems to be coming up every once in a while, is people are
receiving notices from the listserver that they need to renew their
subscription to the list, but then when they try to respond to the renewal
request, they receive a message that says that they are not subscribed to
the HUMOR list.
The instructions say to reply to the message with the command SUB HUMOR.
The problem lies in one of two areas: the first is that there is a
communications gap between your email software and the listserver software
that does not recognize that SUB is a shortened version of the command
SUBSCRIBE. The second possibility is that the listserver cannot match your
name to your email address.
If you get a renewal request, and you follow the directions exactly, but
still receive a rejection notice, we ask that you do exactly what you did
to subscribe to the list in the first place. Send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU
the command (in the body of the email, not the subject) SUBSCRIBE HUMOR
firstname lastname.
Should you continue to have problems with this, feel free to email me or
Jay Harman (jharman@ix.netcom.com) and we'll manually renew your
subscription.
This procedure ONLY applies to receiving the list itself. If you are a
contributor and receive a request to renew your subscription to HUMOR-P
(the contributors' list), you must go through either me or Larry Randall
(randall@mailstorm.dot.gov.) As of right now, all mail to Larry is
bouncing back, because he is going through an email conversion. Larry is
also the person in charge of granting new people the right to become
posters. Be patient with this; everything should be working with Larry
again by the end of this week.
And here's an added nugget of information for those of you who might be
interested in this. The most recent update of my Traffic Report that I had
at my disposal was posted two weeks ago. I was able to piece together the
numbers of posts each day since then (up to and including today) by sending
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command INDEX HUMOR. This will give a list of
all of the available archives of the list's traffic. So I got the current
NOTEBOOK and the most recent complete LOG and manually counted each day's
postings. If you miss something, and want to search HUMOR's archives
(which purge themselves approximately every six months...) use this
command. Each log is at least 3000 lines long. In the time before it
becomes a log, it is in the archives as the notebook.
I'm going to miss the next two week's worth of traffic reports, as I will
be on vacation, but I'll be back, fully rested, and with a much more
consistent tan. I'm actually going to be leaving this coming Thursday, so
if you have any questions between now and then, feel free to email me at
jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/, or visit HUMOR's website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html
I'll see those of you who are contributors in a couple o' weeks, and all of
you next month!
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 27 July - 2 August
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
27 Sunday 6 8 4 7 12
28 Monday 12 16 13 12 16
29 Tuesday 16 12 10 9 12
30 Wednesday 10 9 8 10 15
31 Thursday 16 13 12 15 5
1 Friday 8 12 11 11 9
2 Saturday 6 7 6 6 5
Average 10.6 11.0 9.1 10.0 10.6
Subscriptions 9 877 9 844 9 797 9 742 9 589
Countries 100 100 100 100 100
Contributors 805 807 811 813 816
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus, Belgium,
Belize, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile,
China, Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech
Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic
of Yugoslavia, Fiji,
Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Guam, Guatemala,
Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel,
Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia,
Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta, Mauritius,
Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New Zealand,
Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal,
Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore, Slovakia, South
Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand,
Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates,
Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe
Total countries: 100
Email me if your country is not listed here.
-----
And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: Makes you wonder if anyone else got caught...
Excerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut
and Roland Sweet
After nine police officers on a narcotics raid at an apartment building in
Coventry, England, squeezed into an elevator made for eight, it stalled.
The officers wound up being trapped for 45 minutes until resident Eddie
Laidle heard their cries for help. "I told them I would get the police,"
he said, "and they shouted, 'We are the bloody police -- get the fire
brigade!' "
-----
Jim Goldman, HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn
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Date: Sun, 3 Aug 1997 23:57:57 -0400
From: Michael Murphy <MBMurphy2@AOL.COM>
Subject: Confession Humor <offensive to Catholics>
Tommy Shaughnessy goes into the confessional box and says. "Bless me
Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest says,
"Is
that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father. It is."
"Who was this woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?" "No."
"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?" "No."
"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?" "No."
"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?" No."
"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?" "No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally gives up and says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys
and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What happened?"
"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 09:36:58 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Body language <adult>
A bus stops to let on a passenger. This
attractive lady steps onto the bus and puts her
right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers
without saying a word. The bus driver puts his
right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the
palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of
his fingers. The woman then looks a bit confused
and in silence grabs her boobs! The bus driver in
a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the
woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts
off the bus!!
A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the
bus looks to the driver, and says, "Tom, I've been
riding your bus for quite a few years now and I've
never seen anything as vulgar as this! I'm going
to have to ride a different route!"
Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the
front seat and replies, "You are mistaken, that
woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was
headed for 5th. street, I said, 'no, 10th street.'
She asked if it went to the Dairy Mart, I told her
that it went to the ball park and she said, 'shit,
I'm on the wrong bus' and left.'"
Chalapathi
['Border' est un movie,okay.Question is would you like to hear
more unpronouncable words like mine for knowing the starcast?:)]
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