Digest for Monday, August 04, 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 425 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- These days...
- Humor - Redneck Games
- math proplem
- Mafioso (poss. offensive to Italians)
- 11:00 News
- Misc quotes
- Film Reviews (off. to movie lovers)
- The Best Of ...
- The Rules To Bedroom Golf
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 03:56:34 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: These days...
* I can remember when kids used to run away from home...
These days, they defect, and you've gotta worry if they're gonna sue.
- - - - -
* I tried to pay for our dinner the other nite with cash...
I had to show two credit cards and my driver's license as ID.
- - - - -
* People are complaining about Clinton's foreign policy...
Nothing wrong with it that faith, hope and clarity wouldn't cure.
- - - - -
* All the health insurance companies are so thoughtful these days...
I was in the hospital and Blue Cross sent a get well SOON card.
- - - - -
* They introduced "staggered lunches" to the Maryland State Highway...
But it was nothing new to us. Hell, we'd all been drinking for years
- - - - -
* President Hoover once promised the people two cars for every garage...
We've exceeded that -- we've now got two cars for every parking space.
- - - - -
* In fact, in New York, you no longer get a parking ticket...
If you can find a space anywhere, the Police issue you a medal.
* These days a movie has to be exciting to draw people and make money...
They start with the end of everything, then work up to a climax.
- - - - -
* Pollution is so bad these days, Maryland may have to change its motto...
from: "Where the turf meets the Surf"
to: "Where the debris meets the Sea"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 09:29:35 -0600
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Redneck Games
Redneck Games belly flop in Georgia
DUBLIN, Georgia (CNN)(c) -- You might be a redneck if ... you found yourself
enjoying the festivities in Dublin, Georgia, this weekend with nary a trace of
self-consciousness.
It was the second annual competition known as the Redneck Games,
celebrating and spoofing that stereotypically Southern archetype.
Among the events: the mud pit belly flop, the hubcap hurl, the
seed-spitting contest and the armpit serenade, where the most obnoxious
sound was the winner. There was also a competition for the title of
"biggest hair."
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 15:31:00 +0100
From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: math proplem
Continue the Sequence
1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
1113213211
31131211131221
What is the next line?????
The sequence describes itself
1 the start
11 one one in the line above
21 two ones in the line above
1211 one two and one one in the line above
111221 etc.
312211
13112221
1113213211
31131211131221
13211311123113112211
The story behind this is also funny. It was given as a problem to a group
of 'gifted' math students after a math Summer camp.!.*!.#???
The square root does not grow well.
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 12:00:50 -0400
From: Craig Ehrlich <CDEhrlich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mafioso (poss. offensive to Italians)
Mario the mafioso gave his son Tony a handgun for his 13th birthday. The =
next
week, when Mario asked to see the gun, Tony proudly showed him a new watc=
h
that he had traded the gun for.
Mario was quite upset and said to Tony =97 So, Tony, when you get married=
and
someday come home and catch your wife in bed with another man, whatchu go=
nna
do =97 look at your watch and ask =93How long you gonna be?=94
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 15:32:19 -0400
From: Harter, Doug <Harter@EXCHANGE.PADER.GOV>
Subject: 11:00 News
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news
story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station
cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.
(back to newscast)
He jumps.
Blonde: OK Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00
news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be
stupid enough to jump twice.
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 16:59:44 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: Misc quotes <inoff.>
The following all appeared in THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER:
"If you don't leave me alone, I'll find someone who will."
Unknown person quoted by Don McDonald
"Neurotic means he is not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means that he is
even worse than my brother-in-law."
Dr. Karl Menninger
"Johnson's Second Law: If, in the course of several months, only three
worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening."
Unattributed
"Most members of the mainstream religions don't take their faith too
seriously--or even, I suspect, know what it is."
Katha Pollitt
"If you are lonely while you are alone, you are in bad company."
Jean-Paul Sartre
"Inflation is when something you bought for ten bucks years ago costs $20 to
repair."
Unknown
"I'd like to dip the McLaughlin Group and the Capitol Gang in cajun-style
batter and deep fry all so I could sell them as Pundit McNuggets . . . . Low
on nutrition, but they taste great cuz there's such a high-fat content.
Patrick Lopez
"Love makes time pass. Time makes love pass."
French sundial motto
(more tomw)
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Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 19:08:46 -0400
From: Robert Bollig <DEVILFISH@AOL.COM>
Subject: <HUMOR> Film Reviews (off. to movie lovers)
Well it's that time of year again folks. Time for the summer run of movies,
and man do we have a bunch of degenerates this time around. I suppose I
shouldn't be all that surprised, it's a scientifically proven fact than any
film without the word "road" somewhere in the title will suck donkey balls.
Still, though, I always feel hopeful when I walk into a theater. Maybe this
will be the one, the first good movie I see this year. Of course it never
is. I should be able to tell that right from the start. As soon as I see
that the ticket taker is having trouble with the daunting task of ripping a
piece of paper in two I know I'm in for it. People in front of me tend to
complain when the ticket taker has these types of problems, but come on, it's
probably just his first day on the job. However, if realizing that an adult
human being paid $6 an hour doesn't have the dexterity to tear on the
indentation doesn't chill your soul, further horrors await you at the
concession stand. The prices are horrendous. Shipping a bag of popcorn to
the moon wouldn't even cost this much. If there are ever movie theaters on
the moon, they'll STILL have to lower their prices to make it reasonable. On
a recent trip to the movies I actually saw a sign that read "Real Movie
Theater Popcorn Here!" Now I don't know about you, but I've never walked up
to a concession stand and thought "that popcorn looks fake to me..." I mean,
think about it, if it's popcorn and it's in a movie theater then it must be
real movie theater popcorn, right?
There's no way to get around the prices. You could always buy a smaller size
but when you look at the prices you realize that it's useless. For $2.75 you
get a cup of cola that looks like it's one of those urine specimens. For
$2.80 you get the mega-orgasmic sized cup that contains approximately the
same amount of liquid as Lake Winnipeg. If anyone ever spilled a whole one
of these the result would probably be a tsunami. Of course you could always
try to sneak in your own food and drink, but this doesn't work so well with
popcorn. I once tried to sneak in a bag of popcorn in my shorts, but the
stream of boiling hot yellow butter running down my leg not only gave me
away, it also severely disrupted my flirtations with the lady at the ticket
booth (which is really the only reason I go to the movies anyway.)
Well, without further inturruption, here's Bob's Movie Reviews for the Summer
Films.
_Air Force One_: Now, I don't know about you folks, but I can't imagine Bill
Clinton wrestling fully automatic weapons away from terrorists and beating
them senseless with his bare hands. Hillary could probably pull it off, but
definitely not Bill.
_Face/Off_: Oh! Where to begin? Here we have a classic example of a movie
who's only flaw was not explaining to the audience what the hell was going
on. We did learn alot from this film, though. We learned that even if all
of the agents involved are killed or wounded, and even if the main suspect
gets away, the papers will still hail your FBI raid as a resounding success.
We learned that all speedboats explode on impact. We also learned that if
your writers think of several different possible endings for your movie, you
don't have to pick one. You can just film them all and leave the audience to
pick the one they like best. This movie also finally answered all of our
worries about that burning question: What happened to Micheal Jackson, and
what ever did he do with the Elephant Man's face?
_Contact_: I won't review this one since I'm still trying to get a date with
Jodie Foster.
_Batman and Robin_: I have just one question. The hell? Watching this film
was like watching a 90 minute commercial for Energizer Batteries. It also
sports the two most pathetic "how I became a villain" stories in all of movie
history. I mean honestly, when a scientist keeps a large, open vat of liquid
nitrogen sitting just behind his equipment, he's just asking to be turned
into a maniacle villain. In my theater, the surround sound went out half way
through the film and people started complaining. I had to wonder: why? I
would prefer the sound to go out entirely, then the audience could make up
its own dialogue. As a side note, all of the audience members were better
actors than half the cast. Of course we are left with several burning
questions. Like, why is it that Mr. Freeze's suit needs frequent injections
of huge diamonds to work, but my Maytag works fine plugged into a 110 volt
outlet? I'd also like to know why the bat suit had nipples. I mean, unless
Batman is lactating I think that's completely unecessary. The last thing I
want to see when I go to the movies is a rubber impression of George
Clooney's nipples. All in all you're paying $6.50 to see one good Alicia
Sylverstone butt shot, the rest of the movie was a complete waste.
_Spawn_: This is one of those fims that leaves you thinking, "Geez, evil is
really dumb sometimes." We have here a satan who doesn't even know what the
hell is going on in hell, but makes up for that defect by having the unique
ability to talk without moving his lips. The story is that of Al Simmones
who, after being sprayed with guacamole and set on fire by his boss, is
reborn as a demon who strongly resembles Irving R. Levine. He makes up for
his lost looks though, by aquiring all types of interesting powers, such as
his new Swiss Army Hand. This is actually pretty interesting, whenever he
needs a knife or four, there it is. I was expecting to see a spoon or bottle
opener pop out of that wrist a couple of times. But what really worried me
was the way Al refered to his mentor as an 'old man'. I mean, the guy looked
like he was 45. Is this really what CIA killers reborn as demons think that
old is? That was the scariest concept in the whole film. At the end the
narrator infered that there would be a sequel. The tentative title is "Movie
to be Released When Primary Film Location Freezes Over"
_Men In Black_: Now, this film had Tommy Lee Jones in it, so there's no way
I can possibly call it bad. But let's just say that every element of the
film that was not a direct result of Tommy's influence was bad. I'm told
that director Barry Sonnenfeld cried when he found out that the two million
dollar model of the space cockroach wouldn't work right. I can only imagine
that he had a similar reaction when he read the final draft of the script.
We note that one of the aliens in this film demanded sugar after landing. I
can only take this to mean that space travel between Alpha Centauri and Earth
does not include an in-flight meal, this doesn't surprise me.
Copyright 1997 Robert Bollig
Permission is granted to distribute this material, in whole or in part,
provided that this notice remains attached.
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Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 09:30:19 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: The Best Of ...<clean>
Who else but our very own Johnny...
* Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
* Teacher: "Who are the most grateful people in the human race?"
Johnny: "The turkish."
Teacher: "Why is that?"
Johnny: "You celebrate thanksgiving with turkeys right?"
* Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."
Johnny : "Ok Sir, You please squeeze out all the toothpaste and
put back it into the tube again."
* Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested to listen?"
Johnny : "A Teacher."
* Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."
* Teacher: "Who is the fastest human being in the world?"
Johnny: "My mother... She can catch me doing anything."
*Chalapathi*Looking for someone to make his homepage..:)
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Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 01:18:25 -0500
From: Ossama Alami <oalami@MNSINC.COM>
Subject: The Rules To Bedroom Golf <adult content>
The Rules To Bedroom Golf
(from The Laugh Page Humor Archives @
http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage/)
(1) The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.
(2) Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may
begin.
(3) Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club
into the hole while keeping the balls out.
(4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The
course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play
to commence.
(5) Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so
as to avoid damage to the course.
(6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible,
until the course owner is satisfied.
(7) Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by
the course owner.
(8) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the
course, paying special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
(9) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
(10) If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is
advised to find alternate means of play.
(11) It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times
in one match.
(12) Course owner shall be the judge of who is the best player.
(13) It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players,
or even that you have played the course.
_______________________________________________________________
Ossama O. Alami http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/
oalami@mnsinc.com ICQ UIN: 1020287
"I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem."
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