Digest for Monday, September 01, 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 336 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Dangers of having a winking problem
- Faith by Perspective
- College Humor
- Possibly offenseive to gynecologists
- In The News - Humorous News Quips
- God
- Psychiatrist joke
- Surd Times
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 14:16:06 +0800
From: Dr Michael Robertshaw <MROBERT@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Dangers of having a winking problem
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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks
over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated
from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful,
and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off
potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom,
he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows
the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but
this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees
womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a
pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Mike R
(PS Apologies for my last message which contained my address card as a
vcf attachment. Some of you may have struggled unsuccessfully to open
it. It needs Netscape 4. I'll try to avoid attaching it in future.)
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fn: Mike Robertshaw
n: Robertshaw;Mike
org: The Open University of Hong Kong
adr: 30 Good Shepherd St;;Homantin;Kowloon;;;Hong Kong
email;internet: mrobert@ouhk.edu.hk
title: Dr
tel;work: (852) 2768 6802
tel;fax: (852) 2789 1170
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 12:48:13 +0200
From: Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Faith by Perspective <may be off. to religious>
Scene: A fish bowl
Dramatis Personae: Two goldfishes
Dialogue:
"Is there God?"
"Of course there is. Who else changes the water and drops food from
the sky?"
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 06:50:10 -0400
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: College Humor
* A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate
or the equivalent." Among the inquiries received was one from a
Yale grad, He said, "do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man
part time ?"
- - - - -
* A student at the University of Maryland got into the local grocery
store's "ten items or less" line with a cart full of stuff. The
cashier took one look at him and said, "I don't know if you're an
Engineering student who can't read, or a Computer Science student
who can't count, but you'll have to move to another line."
- - - - -
* After a big campus dance, where all of the dates were arranged by
computer, one student who didn't attend asked another how it went.
"Well..." she replied, "It was indeed a frightening experience to
see what you deserved."
- - - - -
* College girl to suitor: "By a 'secret engagement', am I correct in
assuming that you can't afford to buy a ring."
- - - - -
* Coed to date: "No, there's no one else Sheldon -- or else I'd be out
with him right now."
- - - - -
* Coach to returning football star: "You're outta shape Cooper. What
the hell have you been doing all summer, studying ?"
- - - - -
* I've heard of progressive schools before, but a new one in Columbia
Maryland have two avant-garde players on their football team and
two vanguards on the front line.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy humor ? Visit me @
(joke page) http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html
(postings) http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 08:49:58 -0400
From: Bob Nordvall <bnordval@GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Possibly offenseive to gynecologists
A gynecologist is sick of hassles of medical practice, and decides to
retire. He has enough money that he doesn't have to work, but he wants to
stay busy. He is an avid motorcyclsit so he decides to become a motorcycle
repairman. He enrolls in motorcycle repair course.
At the end of the course he gets a letter from the teacher saying that he is
the first student to ever get a grade of 150% on the final exam. He calls
the teacher for an explanation of why his grade was the best ever.
The teacher says "You disassembled the motor quickly and efficiently--that
was 50%. You reassembled it quickly and it started immediately--that was
another 50%. The final extra 50% was because you were the first student to
do these things while putting your hands through the muffler.
Box 399 Gettysburg College, Gettysburg, PA 17325
717/337-6586 (voice) 717/337-6906 (FAX)
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 13:23:21 -0700
From: elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, The US military,
Russian astronauts, women, homosexuals, Amtrak. Includes reference to
illegal drug use and sex.
Los Angeles City Councilman Mike Hernandez was arrested for possession of
cocaine. He was immediately offered a better job in Washington DC by Mayor
Marion Barry.
The Air Force wants to increase pay and give more time off to avoid a pilot
shortage. Gee, maybe they wouldn't have a shortage if they didn't keep
kicking the best ones out for having sex. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Due to recent problems in beef processing, rumor has it that a certain fast
food chain will be using ground clown.
The Iowa State Penitentiary has decided to charge each inmate $5 a month
for a 7 by 8 foot cell with a bunk, small toilet, table and stool. The good
news for the prisoners is that if they don't pay the rent they get evicted.
Actor Sean Connery escaped injury when a brick thrown from a bridge
shattered his car's windshield in London. Authorities say Connery was
shaken, but not stirred.
Charles Manson was transferred after he was caught selling drugs in prison.
How crazy do you have to be to buy drugs from Charles Manson? "Hey,
Charlie, these drugs aren't dangerous, are they?" "No, I use them all the
time..." (Leno)
Red Sox player Mo Vaughn denied an allegation that he hit someone outside a
Cleveland club. He has a pretty good defense - none of the Red Sox are
hitting this year. (Daily Scoop)
Hasbro will add a female doll to its GI Joe collection. She comes in full
combat gear, including a rifle, a bayonet, two lawyers, a defendant, his
lawyer, three other victims and a movie deal.
There's a new doll on the market called the Billy Doll. It's a gay male
doll, and it's causing quite a commotion. The doll is anatomically correct.
This has to be driving Barbie nuts. Finally a male doll with something down
there, and he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every womans nightmare?
(Leno)
HBO added the recent Tyson-Holyfield fight to its upcoming movie about Don
King. They were, however, forced to add the disclaimer to the credits: "No
actors were actually eaten during the making of this film." (Daily Scoop)
Hollywood is making a sequel to "Air Force One" called "Capitol Hill". It
will be another thriller - terrorists take the entire Congress hostage and
threaten to release the lawmakers one by one until their demands are mat.
Barney the dinosaur will soon star in a movie. I believe it's titled
"Jurassic Dork".
The California Assembly has voted to ban the manufacture of Saturday night
specials. A rider to the bill that would have banned Saturday Night Live
was voted down.
Some psychiatrists are concerned about the increasing number of
prescriptions for antidepressants being written for kids. "It's getting so
bad", one doctor complains, "they've come out with Flinstone shaped
Prozac".
Romance novelist Janet Dalley admitted she plagiarized the works of rival
romance novelist Nora Roberts. "I knew I was in trouble," said Dalley,
"when the smooth creamy paper of the subpoena brushed longingly against my
open palm".
Amtrak has a new policy. The conductor will now make a standard
announcement: "Before you get out of your seat, make sure the train is in
an upright position".
This weekend, Los Angeles' first Grand Prix featured legendary vintage
cars in a 6 mph parade through downtown. The pace car was a Ford Bronco
driven by A.C. Cowlings.
Martha Stewart now has her own Web page, but you can only view it if you're
running Stained Glass Windows 95.
Gold Hill, Oregon, Police Chief Katie Holmboe was fired for selling Mary
Kay cosmetics out of her patrol cruiser. Her superiors became suspicious
when she ticketed a woman for driving under the influence of an inadequate
moisturizer. On a positive note, her arrestees always looked good for their
mug shots.
The Grateful Dead's communal Victorian house in San Francisco is listed for
sale at $990,000. It may sound expensive, but it works out to only ten
bucks an ounce.
The National Institutes of Health says that smoking pot may have some
health benefits. Of course, all possible health benefits are lost if you
don't have low fat munchies. (Daily Scoop)
And finally, a survey in USA Today reveals that 65% of people would tell
someone if they had food stuck in their teeth. Seventy four percent said
the survey people at USA Today have way, way too much time on their
hands...
Ed Lambert (elambert@ix.netcom.com)
Don't bum me down with your jive, man
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 18:29:02 -0400
From: Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: God <inoff>
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made
you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as
well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what
was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
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Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 23:10:45 -0400
From: Gail Katz <GKat86573@AOL.COM>
Subject: Psychiatrist joke
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that
she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in
fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there
in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came
right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the
meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke?
That's a breakfast?"
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Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 09:30:59 -0400
From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Surd Times
A Sardarji boarded a crowded bus with a bag full of purchases. There
was no vacant seat. As the old bus rattled and swayed, he supported
himself precariously, the bag in one hand, the other holding the
bar provided near the ceiling of the bus.
"Ticket .... ticket ..... ticket", the conductor made several rounds
past the Sardarji. His wallet in his hip
pocket and both hands engaged, the Sardarji didn't know what to do.
"Ticket ... Sardarji" the conductor
asked the next time. Sardarji thrust the bag into the conductors hands
and was struggling to take the wallet out, when the conductor protested.
"I can't be carrying passengers baggage like this - I AM THE CONDUCTOR
AFTER ALL !"
"Okay", said the Sardar, "then give me the bag, and here, will you
hold the bar."
____________________________________________
-=}Chalapathi{=-I have to finish what I sta
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